Should I speak up, or respect DD's request to stay quiet?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I know I am coming across as kind of harsh…however…I am responding to what I am reading, and I think maybe when you are in the middle of a mess like this, a person may not see what is happening clearly…the emotions toward the Ex is too close…and one just can’t imagine him doing any harm, but you know, many don’t imagine it…and to me its better to error on the side of protecting my D and getting the young man help than to wait and see…it seems to be esxcalating, not getting better…</p>

<p>Good luck…its so hard being a parent when kids are hurting, and when a kid has been doing well and suddenly things fall apart…I would bet you that there were underlying issues already there, and this just brought them to the surface</p>

<p>Many teens with depression and anxiety and other issues get pretty good at hiding them…this behavior…well, would scare the heck out of me</p>

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<p>Thanks, Friends…</p>

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<p>A teenage perspective here. My girlfriend is currently reliving some very serious trauma right now, and I have become the one confidant she turns to. The thought of telling my parents seems… silly to me. Not because they wouldn’t be supportive of me, and her, but because I’d fear that they would do exactly what the OP suggested (the initial incident that caused this serious trauma is still unknown to her parents).</p>

<p>The fact that your daughter comes to you to tell you this stuff could be a testament to the strong relationship the two of you have to the point where she feels like she can confide in you. If this is the case, she’ll probably feel very betrayed if you were to take any action.</p>

<p>On the other hand, it could mean that she wants you to do something and just has absolutely no idea how to say it.</p>

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<p>CGM is spot-on! Where you two of you (Lafalum, and Nikrud) are concerned, your Ds HAVE to be your first priority. The serious depression of a loved-one/friend can be extremely difficult for even mature adults to cope with. No way are high school girls equipped to handle it. I have to say that the situations described in case of both girls’ b-friends caused alarm bells to go off in my mind. At times, teen-aged boys have been known to cope with life’s difficulties in some very scary and dangerous ways. If there’s ANY chance that your Ds might at some point be in physical danger—on top of the emotional damage they’re already experiencing, you must do whatever it takes to protect them.</p>

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<p>Just_Browsing, as a parent it makes me sad beyond words to know that your GF couldn’t tell her parents about an incident that caused her serious trauma.</p>

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<p>Wow, thanks so much for all the wonderful insight and understanding. I knew I could count on CC parents to help me sort this out!</p>

<p>To clarify a few issues:</p>

<p>Our HS is quite large 1500+ students. So 6 kids out with emotional troubles is a lot, but not an overwhelming number.</p>

<p>I only know BF’s parents casually, through the kids. We chat when we drop the kids off and pick them up, but I didn’t know them before the relationship started. </p>

<p>I do trust our hs guidance dept, we have wonderful counselors and 2 school psychologists. They have a good reputation. Administration talks constantly about how much pressure these kids are under and how competitive this school is, they are aware of kids’ emotional issues.</p>

<p>That said, any school with 1500 kids, kids fall thru the cracks. DD went through a rough time last fall; she had a falling out with her friends and was the victim of a rumor. Unfortunately she didn’t come to me voluntarily; another mom who heard the rumor told me about it. That opened the door for hubby and me to talk to DD - also I began doing some “snooping.” As a result, we confronted DD gently and she admitted some problems and unhappiness she had been hiding for fear of disappointing us. At that point I got her an appointment with a therapist. She went weekly at first, now only bi-weekly. She’s doing much better, I think we caught it before things got too bad. Part of the problem, though, is BF stuck by her through all her issues and she felt he was one of only 2 “true” friends she had at the time. Now she feels like she needs to return the favor. When I mentioned kids “falling thru the cracks,” DD was crying in school, and came to my office twice to hide out when she just couldn’t face another class. No one from the hs ever said anything to me, and I’m sure her GC had no idea there was any problem! She said one female teacher offered to let her retreat to the teacher’s lounge if she felt the need, that was the only time any faculty acknowledged that she might have issues (perhaps because D is a “good” kid who isn’t prone to acting out).</p>

<p>Had we not gone through D’s issues last fall, and had I not started “snooping,” I don’t know if D would have confided BF’s problems to me.</p>

<p>At this point I am leaning toward confidentially speaking to guidance. They will be pulling all the kids shortly for appointments to schedule next year’s classes anyway, so if BF got called down to Guidance I don’t think anyone would suspect anything. At the same time, DD was adament when she was upset that we NOT deal with the school, she did NOT want her friends to know what was going on.</p>

<p>Nikrut, thanks for sharing your story. I am becoming more concerned for D’s benefit (I was mostly worried about BF), and I think I’m going to have to do something to protect her.</p>

<p>I’m still open to more input!</p>

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<p>

When I made the above suggestion to go to the parents, I was envisioning this type of response by them, given the relationship that your D and their S have shared over six months. I was also talking from my own experience. I have only had one situation (with the above mentioned friend) where talking directly to the parent proved detrimental, and I saw that one coming and had put that off for as long as I safely could. I have approached parents with good success every other time (though I’ll be the first to admit that the number of times I’ve felt compelled to do this for the safety of another kid has been small.) </p>

<p>If your guidance counselors at school are competent and professional, going to them is a good option. Our school’s guidance counselors are NOT competent <em>or</em> professional, and I have less than no faith in them or in their ability to deal with any student on an individual basis. They may troubleshoot, but they are not qualified or prepared (or frankly WILLING) to deal with students on a more intimate basis than that. </p>

<p>I cannot stress enough that the main concern here should be YOUR daughter. As much as she or you want to help this young man, his needs should be secondary to your own child’s. After turning this over to someone else, I would concentrate solely on your own child. I personally would not want my daughter involved in this sort of situation at her age. She’s just too young to be caught up in these sorts of issues.</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>It makes me angry. Very angry.</p>

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<p>Thank you for updating us, Lufalum! I know we are all concerned, especially about your daughter. Knowing she has just been through a different difficult ordeal, it’s even more important. 15 can be a really tough age between kids/parents, as they seem to have many adult issues, but are still such babies emotionally. Age 15 was the one year I didn’t really “trust” my D to come to me with issues. I understand where you’re coming from with the trust issues. By 16 and older, they seem to gain a better perspective and are able to see things in a more adult way. At least that was true in our case.</p>

<p>It sounds like you have a good plan. It doesn’t rule out your going to the parents at some future time if you feel it would help. I could trust my school psychologist to keep things confidential as well -they are trained to deal with these things and do it well. Since that’s the case for you too, it seems like a good step. </p>

<p>Unlike many other posters (all, I think!) I would not tell my daughter about my confidential conversation with the psychologist. It wouldn’t help, and it may hurt. You want the boy to get the help he needs, and for your daughter to be able to heal. You want her to keep coming to you, and to me, it would be worth leaving her out of the equation entirely. She’s much to young to see the wisdom of your actions at 15, and it really shouldn’t be up to her to decide your action. And this is a confidential meeting - you don’t want her to let it slip out that you talked, either. My kid wouldn’t be able to keep it to herself at that age.</p>

<p>Good luck to you! This is hard!</p>

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<p>Just_Browsing- Does your gf have an advisor or other adult that she trusts that she could talk to? A woman, maybe? This must be very hard for you. If I were your parent, I’d be worried about the affect this is having on YOU!</p>

<p>Not knowing details, it’s hard to give opinions, but it seems to me that you guys need to find another person she can talk to. Not that you can’t be there, but if the situation is making you this upset, this isn’t healthy for either of you.</p>

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<p>

I can see the prudence of this in certain situations, and this may be one of those. At the same time, I’ve used similar-type situations to lobby for the de-stigmatization of seeking psychological help. I have been <em>most</em> fortunate in that my kids and all of their bfs/gfs/good friends have been remarkably emotionally stable, and I’ve been able to handle any minor things that have arisen. BUT… even at that, I have kept an ongoing discourse about the benefits of seeking professional help when you find yourself in a situation that for whatever reason is beyond your ability to handle alone. In fact, I have a life coach (who I originally sought the services of to mitigate the emotional damage I suffered at the hands of my extremely dysfunctional birth family), and I’ve shared this with my kids. I never want them to feel that seeking professional help is a sign of weakness…in fact, I have stressed to them that it is a sign of STRENGTH and functionality.</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>I’ve been talking to a therapist; she refuses.</p>

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<p>At some schools, there is a mechanism whereby anyone in the school community can fill out a form indicating “concern” about a student and drop it in a box in the office. Like this: <a href=“http://www.montgomeryschoolsmd.org/departments/safe/concern.htm[/url]”>http://www.montgomeryschoolsmd.org/departments/safe/concern.htm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Since you are a school employee, you have the right to do this, just as a student does.</p>

<p>It might be a way to alert the “system” to the possibility that this student has a problem without violating anyone’s privacy.</p>

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<p>Good for you. Keep going, and keep nudging her in this direction.<br>
Why won’t she tell one of her parents? Does this seem wise to you?</p>

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<p>Responding to the original post and I would like to give a bit of different advice… run away from this situation now! Let the Bf live out his drama on his own. </p>

<p>Why does a 15 year old girl need to be tested via fights and arguements? The BF is manipulating the situation to his advantage because… and pardon me for saying this girls are dumb… they love puppies and want to “fix” bf’s baggage issues.</p>

<p>They help which is wonderful but when the other side “knows” this they can control the girl by abusing her concern. It always amazed me that certain girls gravitate towards losers because “they” can help them. I know I will take heat for saying this, but it doesn’t make it any less true. </p>

<p>It’s the classic version of being played. Both males and females through these years and on have a certain few who take great joy in physcological games. If I get you to do this when I sigh or frown, what can I get you to do later? There’s different types of abusive people. Not everyone hits. Some f with your mind. </p>

<p>Tell her to give the boy some space, limit things for a while. See what happens. Think of the movie “Saved” not too long ago. The lead sleeps with her bf, because she thinks that will cure his homosexuality. Well switch homosexuality with depression. And no, homosexuality is not a mental state or illness, don’t get hung up on that or you’ll miss the point. The point is a young girl will do anything to help her BF. Tell her to give him room to work it out on his own.</p>

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<p>My goodness, what a nightmare. </p>

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<p>I so agree with that. Some school counselors (many?) are not capable of handling a situation like this. Be careful about getting the school involved.</p>

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<p>Opie~</p>

<p>That advice is not AT ALL out of line. In fact, it’s quite good, IMHO, and I’d be doing something along those lines. ~berurah</p>

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<p>Although Opie and Berurah have a good point, the OP’s daughter might react badly if the OP suggested or required that she back off from the relationship because of her BF’s problem.</p>

<p>Kids are taught that depression is an illness. </p>

<p>If the BF had just been diagnosed with diabetes, would the OP tell her daughter to back off from the relationship? I don’t think so. So if the OP gives her daughter this advice with regard to depression – another illness – the daughter may see the inconsistency.</p>

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<p>If you have a great guidance department, then it seem to me you have your answer.</p>

<p>What is the worst that could happen if you do not alert the guidance department? Exactly. Too much is at risk.</p>

<p>Waht is the best outcome? Worth a gamble. I’d advise your D that you were going to tell the GD though.</p>

<p>I understand your D’s concerns but she is 14. A child. Missing some important cognitive functions–as are you Just Browsing. Don’t abdicate on this one, L.</p>

<p>My sons’ gf had an serious emergency last fall. She controlled the information sent to her parents–and their response. Basically she dumped all the responsiblity on my 17 year old son. When I expressed surprise at the parent’s docile response–my son said he might do the same to us in a similar situation ( as a way of defending her goofy family).</p>

<p>Baloney. I make my own decisions about my children. If they are in serious trouble, God help the person or child who tries to bar me from the door.</p>

<p>We thought our son was in serious trouble trying to assume parental responsiblity for his gf’s emergency. DH and I stepped in physically and emotionally. We stood shoulder to shoulder with him for the duration of the emergency–until her goofy parents finally showed up. If that situation had tanked–and it had 90% potential to go seriously wrong–then I wanted the responsiblity on MY shoulders–not his. Let some grieving parent come after me. Let him continue on his path.</p>

<p>Kids are full of bluster, half of it is Oprah-speak they don’t really understand. Parents must decipher their own truth to do the Right thing. that’s our job.</p>

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Marian~</p>

<p>If you look at the first thing I quoted above, you will see that the young man has not (or at least not YET) been diagnosed with depression. Therefore, no one knows whether or not he is afflicted with this.<br>
What we DO know from the OP’s own account is that this young man is

The OP’s daughter is FIFTEEN years old, not 25. Either way, my girls have been taught…no, BRAINWASHED…to NEVER, EVER, EVER under any circumstances tolerate this treatment. Alcoholism is a disease too (at least according to some), but that doesn’t make dealing with a raging alcoholic prudent. There are some situations that are simply too risky to put a young girl into, and to me, this would qualify as one of those. There is WORLD of difference between someone’s suffering from diabetes and someone’s <em>possibly</em> suffering from a form of depression which is causing that person to “lash out” at an innocent young girl. Night and day, really.</p>

<p>I am a firm believer in the parents’ role of helping their children (and yes, sexist-ly enough, especially their daughters) to understand that shabby, disrespectful, angry, and violent behavior is NEVER acceptable. That is how I’m raising my daughters, and I cannot TELL you how amazing my 18-year-old’s bf is. In fact, he helped clean my entire house on Friday in preparation for my college son’s arrival for spring break!!! :smiley: And he treats her like the most precious being in existence (and she, in turn, does the same for him). </p>

<p>Teens, though not children, are not full-fledged adults either. They need this guidance, IMHO. And I have no mixed feelings about giving them my 2 cents, and if need be, more than that.</p>

<p>~berurah</p>