<p>I dated this guy during high school (I know this is the parent cafe, but hey I’m almost out of my teens) for about 3 months and we were friends for a year before that. It wasn’t exactly a bad break up but it wasn’t all that friendly either…mostly because I was *<strong><em>ed at the reason he gave me: my friends really disapprove of you. The reason is that I didn’t get along with his friends, mostly because we simply were from different social circles. Let’s just say my favorite book is Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged while his is the manga Nightmare Inspector.
We connected because we’ve both been through some tough *</em></strong>, him especially. I guess I had become his lifeline/anchor long before I became his girl.
He’s always been a little aggressive, which didn’t bother me because I’m into martial arts–actually some of the most fun we had was working out together and wrestling each other. But he also has a history of depression and two previous suicide attempts.
After breaking up, we still talk through text/facebook every once in a while–mostly when he’s going through a tough patch. And every time he begs me to go back, except I won’t. I don’t do second chances in relationships after you’ve struck out three times.
I can’t ask my parents for advice because they don’t approve of my friendship with guys in general. So I wanted some advice from CCers about this situation.
Should I stop caring for him? Should I let him fall and not clean up his mess?</p>
<p>In my opinion, no and yes.</p>
<p>No, you should not stop caring about him. He means something to you, even though the relationship has changed. Those feelings are real.</p>
<p>But yes, you should let him fall and not clean up his messes. He needs to learn to run his own life – as all young people do.</p>
<p>Just my opinion.</p>
<p>^ I agree. It’s called tough love!</p>
<p>Any guy who breaks up with a girl because “his friends don’t approve” will not fight for you and is more interested in his peer-approval than anything else.</p>
<p>It would be one thing if his friends brought something seriously negative about you to his attention that he had to agree with, because then he would have broken up for you for his OWN reasons. But, he broke up with you because his friends didn’t like your politics/beliefs/whatever.</p>
<p>he is not “man enough” for you…move on to some real men. :)</p>
<p>Many young people have stars in their eyes like Romeo and Juliette. 2 Famous lovers from hundreds of years ago, yet we remember their names.
R & J were famous for “being in some tough sh**” The fictional romantic tale of 2 lovers who persevered despite everything against them. Have we forgotten how well that worked out for them? </p>
<p>Young people with relatively little love experience think it is so wonderful to be in so much sh** and yet work through it. They don’t realize there shouldn’t even be so much sh*<em>.
And, *it’s ok that he’s aggressive, becuse you have more training than he does?</em> seriously? He calls when he’s in a rough patch? This is an item you need advice on what to do? Uh, why is it you want a guy like that? Ask yourself if that is the way you deserve to be treated, or do you deserve to be treated better? Be the person that deserves better, and then go find better. “Better men” generally match up with “better women”. Don’t expect this fellow to be a man or act like a man if he is close to your age. He isn’t there yet, few are at that age.</p>
<p>The reason he gave may be true, or ot may be just an excuse to cover up something else. The advice is the same. Move On.</p>
<p>You care about him because you share a history and you have a heart. Fine.</p>
<p>Care from a friendly distance. This is a guy who dumps you because of his friends, who only goes back to you when the s*it hits the fan one way or another.</p>
<p>You deserve better.</p>
<p>Well, in my experience you can’t actually stop caring about someone until you stop caring about them…that part’s oddly not in our control.</p>
<p>However, you CAN choose what to do with that. There is no reason to involve yourself in his day-to-day life, or entangle yourself with him in any kind of active way. Eventually, you will move on.</p>
<p>Here is the real advice you are asking about: What you DO need to do is to start caring about yourself, above all. Take care of you and the right guy will eventually show up. In the meantime, do some of your favorite things with somebody else…asap.</p>
<p>When I was a junior in high school, my boyfriend had already graduated and was in college. When it came time for my Winter Formal, his friends convinced him that he was “too mature” to go to some “high school dance,” so he refused. He assumed that I wouldn’t go. I broke up with him and went with someone else. Oh, he begged and begged, but it was too late. </p>
<p>A man makes his own decisions; he doesn’t get let silly friends make his decisions or decide his associations. And, when a man makes a decision, he owns it. He doesn’t say, “My friends/family/etc think…”</p>
<p>“The reason is that I didn’t get along with his friends, mostly because we simply were from different social circles. Let’s just say my favorite book is Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged while his is the manga Nightmare Inspector.”</p>
<p>EXBF said: “the reason he gave me: my friends really disapprove of you.”</p>
<p>–Well, I will suggest Run…run as fast as you can from that relationship. </p>
<p>“Should I let him fall and not clean up his mess?”-- You are not responsible for this individual he and his parents are until certain point.
–Please don’t go back for pity! Shoot for the stars…</p>
<p>-“I’ve always believed the greater danger is not aiming too high, but too low, settling for a bogey rather than shooting for an eagle.” Peter Scott</p>
<p>Read the story of Sandra Bullock [the Eagle] and Jessee James .</p>
<p>Walk away, don’t look back. Make a clean break.</p>
<p>Walk away. Sometimes we do care for people that it is hard to move on, but he is using you for his emotional crutch when he is having difficulties. Why isn’t he sharing his good time with you as well? Do not be emotionally available to him. Why would you even consider cleaning up his mess?</p>
<p>Love yourself, take care of yourself and the rest will follow.</p>
<p>Of course you care about him. You have a history together. You sound like a very nice person, and you wouldn’t want him to feel hurt. BUT, there are two comments that concern me:</p>
<p>
- Hummm. It’s okay to take a martial arts class, but it’s not okay to “practice” those skills on someone, especially when you’re angry.
- Sorry, that doesn’t fly with me. So what you are from different social circles?! If he likes you and you like him, that’s worth the relationship, no matter what others feel/say. Besides, did his friends give you a chance?</p>
<p>From my view, it doesn’t look good. Continue to be there for him, especially if he needs to talk to someone when he’s depressed, but for your sake, I think you should move on.</p>
<p>@younghoss: We’re not R&J (which is my least favorite Shakespeare play btw). I didn’t imply we were star-crossed lovers from two feuding families even if our respective friends were very different. I hope you don’t belittle every young person by assuming we do not have any real life experience but can only exaggerate in teenage dramatics. When I say we have both been through some <strong><em>, some who have learned the truth consider "</em></strong>" as an understatement. Plus, I said we forged a connection because we’ve both had bad experiences…not that we were like R&J. Also, I said he was aggressive, not abusive–he’d be in jail if he tried to intentionally hurt me. Please notice, I wanted advice regarding whether I should stop helping him out–not whether I should go back to him; that is an impossibility. </p>
<p>@mom2collegekids: Moving past him isn’t the problem, I’ve already done that. I guess I should have made it clearer that by “caring” I meant helping him out rather than entertaining notions of romance. I knew he stopped fighting for me. I do want to say though that he did. He fought for a year to keep my friendship though his other friends disapproved. His friends, like mine, could not understand how we can have a friendship with not much in common and widely different goals/aspirations in life. His friends did not know everything about him, they knew nothing about me. It was a similar situation with my friends.</p>
<p>@everyone else: First, thanks for the input!
I guess I should explain that what I’m really stuck on is whether I can stop helping him and not suffer afterwards. I admit that I’m afraid he’ll do something stupid. And though rationally I know that anything he does will not be my fault–I can’t get rid of the knowledge that I could’ve tried to help; and most likely would’ve been able to stop him too. He only reaches out to me when he’s on the brink, as a last resort–because he knows that I understand how terrifying it is to have to fight by yourself…to always doubt whether you can make it through this time, whether you can triumph against the darkness in your mind. That’s why I’ve always picked up the phone when he calls. I don’t know how to make a clean break, or if I should even make a clean break. I guess that’s my real question: should I make a clean break?</p>
<p>He fought for a year to keep my friendship though his other friends disapproved.</p>
<p>Nobody should have to “fight for a year” to justify a friendship to others (as long as there isn’t something justifiable - like you’re a criminal or something). </p>
<p>As soon as he “justified” his friendship the first time, that should have been the last time. His friends should have been “put on notice” than any future criticisms would end THEIR friendship.</p>
<p>My advice…You can advise him from a distance…not involving too much time. A phone call or two a month. And in the meantime, busy yourself with others. :)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>It sounds like you are functioning as a therapist-of-last-resort.</p>
<p>Is that a fair assessment?</p>
<p>If it is, my suggestion would be to transfer those responsibilities to people who are trained in that line of work and scheduled to be available when he needs help. That would be arranged through his therapist–if he doesn’t have one, perhaps you could help him find one–and through resources such as 1-800-273-TALK.</p>
<p>I think that ADad is right…a teenager who needs his friend’s approval to continue a relationship and has a history of depression and suicide attempts really needs professional counseling and access to medication such as anti-depressants on an ongoing basis. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, dfa, and am concerned that you’ll feel responsible for his actions even if you continue to be his “safety net”. Please try to pick a good time for him and encourage him to find a supportive therapist, minister, or other person to help him deal with the issues in his life. It would really be better for both of you.</p>
<p>I think it’s hard to make a clean break when you two share such a history. The short, easy answer is yes, make a clean break. The harder choice is to be there for him without being sucked into his orbit of misery. This is really about YOUR behavior and YOUR boundaries. If you are clear on what you are willing to do, then it’s really not that hard. But first, you need to examine your own motives in all this so that you can be clear.</p>
<p>I think you should make a clean break. I know it is hard, but look at it this way…Even with your help does not guarantee that he wouldn’t do something rash and if he did you would never forgive yourself despite it not being your fault. Sometimes the best thing we can do for someone is to walk away. I would suggest that he find a trained therapist to help him. You sound like a caring individual and he is aware of that. One should focus on surounding oneself with good vibes and energy and get rid of the people that drain and sabbotage your energy.</p>
<p>Almost everyone agrees in this thread: That means something!</p>
<p>Walk away, run, move on & make a clear break!</p>
<p>You sounds like a wonderful person…good luck in your future.</p>
<p>@Greenery: I noticed how everyone’s agreeing, it’s quite interesting to see =)</p>
<p>I confess that this thread has made me feel much better about my decision to do a clean break. Thanks everyone!</p>