<p>My freshman girl had a C plus on her report card first quarter so was grounded all second quarter (I think the other grades were all B range). Not 100% grounded since we let her go out xmas vacation and she was allowed to participate in all school activities as well as religious activities and part time job; basically she just couldn’t go to friends’ houses , movies, or mall. Grades this quarter in major subjects were all Bs with one B plus but gpa about the same as last (no honors courses but high school sends 99% to college so everyone is in traditional college prep courses). She’s very bright; I think a big problem is that if she doesn’t like a teacher she sits in class and rolls her eyes and makes faces and decides the teacher isn’t worthy of her making any effort. </p>
<p>I really don’t want to be the mom who locks kids up for getting Bs but my older daughter didn’t “get” that grades were important until junior year and it has really hurt her options for college. I guess one alternative to grounding would be to email her teachers every week to find out how she is doing. But teachers hate that, especially when she’s not in danger of failing. And I can’t afford to bribe her with something really amazing if her grades improve (I have other kids so bribing one can get very expensive!!!) If I unground her how else can I motivate her?</p>
<p>You can’t externally motivate most teenagers to get A’s, it has to come from inside them. You can only help her see the consequences of not working harder by laying out for her the range of choices for college and showing her specifically how hers will be limited due to her approach. If she is fine with the limited choice, and just likes to underachieve, there is nothing that you can or should do. It’s a losing battle and not worth fighting, in my opinion. (But you have every right to be disappointed with her choice. Just try not to let your feelings grow into resentment or your relationship will really suffer.)</p>
<p>If you were talking about a kid making D’s and F’s when they are capable of A’s, that’s a different story and I would fight to the mat on that one.</p>
<p>I agree with earlier post. Bribes and restrictions don’t work. I have had some success with the community college threat and am prepared to go that route with my son. My rule is an unweighted GPA under 3.3 and more than three total C’s mean I cannot trust him to make good use of my money at a four year school. He would have to prove himself at the community college in order for me to make an investment as big as college. I had to let go of my ego needs for prestige on this one. momof2inca makes a good point about trying to avoid feeling resentful. It is so painful watching a bright,capable child underachieve. I wish we could insert our wisdom and wisdom from older siblings into kids but, sadly, we can’t. I feel for your situation. My older child bought into the grades and work ethos and was accepted into and attends a very selective LAC. My younger child has always been less focused and has a bit of the attitude that OP describes with daughter. Good luck. This is such a tough situation.</p>
<p>Oh, she learned (and she may be right) that it isn’t hard to get into FIT as a fashion retailing major, and it will only cost us $5,000 a year plus transportation. Which I can live with but I seriously think she may want more options when it comes time.</p>
<p>Grounding is definitely not the answer, IMO, but determining the root of the matter (if indeed there is one) and addressing it may be. Is this a real change from the type of grades that you have seen from your D in the past? Even if it is, I, wouldn’t be so quick to assume that this is a question of just not wanting to pay attention or do the work. It MAY be that, or it may be something more that is getting in the way. When the nature of the work changes, as it does in HS and then again in college, it is a time when many previously high achieving students can hit a brick wall. A subtle learning or attention problem could just now become apparent - the demands for a student to be organized and the sheer quantity of work can overload a student who was compensating well before this. </p>
<p>I would first meet with teachers, and get their input. Our school district and many others have started to post real time grades on the web - I would not hesitate to ask for regular feedback from teachers. Since you clearly feel this is an underperformance for your D, teachers may be even be willng to do some after school work with her, or if she is receptive to sitting down with you after school to help her organize notes, study for tests etc. until you see that she is on track - that is another option. Many students do NOT work well with their own parents , and ideally it may be better to take yourself out of the equation altogether and offer just emotional support. If organizational or other tutoring is not in the budget, you could ask at the guidance office - there may also be resources for students, peer tutors etc, along these lines at your school. </p>
<p>My own bias is that the vast majority of students <em>want</em> to do well in school. Bs in all standard classes may or may not be the best your D can do in the program that she is in now. Even if it seems as if there is a lot of time wasting and lack of motivation, that too can a be a coverup for frustrations in academic performance or other adjustment issues that the student is not always able to articulate.</p>
<p>Man, hornet, that’s harsh. I nearly got Cs in a number of my classes in high school (was always terrible at German and barely got a B- in Geometry…though I did manage to get A-/B+ in every other math up through Calc BC) and my parents were willing to risk sending me off to a private technical university. Only pulled a 3.65 there, but apparently it was good enough to get me into Caltech for a PhD.</p>
<p>Muffy333, instead of having your kid think of their grades as punishment, try to get them to want to learn for the sake of learning. Try to get engaged in what they’re interested in and show them how even though what they’re doing right now doesn’t directly apply to it, it can help develop skills useful in the field of their interest.</p>
<p>Throwing her in her room every night to do homework isn’t going to help any; she’s just going to be bitter. Sit down with her at the dinner table and talk about what she’s learning and what’s interesting. My parents did this for me, and it’s possibly the best part of parenting they’ve done. Now when I take a vacation to visit home they can’t wait for me to shut up about what I’m working on because I’m so used to talking with them about it every night.</p>
<p>I wish my kid would read this thread. I’m lookin’ a lot better all the time!
I can not imagine being that invested in my kid’s grades that I would employ these measures. Guess what, folks! There ARE B students out there and, gasp, hard courses in which even good students might get a C.</p>
<p>Also - it is not unusual at all for a freshmen in HS to take awhile to adjust. It’s a time of transition, both socially and academically. Don’t forget that many schools don’t weight freshman year as heavily for just this reason. Some schools even exclude it altogether.</p>
<p>She is young but if she is as bright as you say she needs to understand the relationship between grades and the college of her choice. Is she doing her work? B/c some kids don’t have to study and only miss getting A’s because of homework grades. </p>
<p>I would keep harping on the fact that she may want choices of where to go and she will be severely limited if her grades don’t reflect how bright she is.</p>
<p>And like someone said, 90% of life is showing up. That means doing the work, even if it is “busywork” in her eyes.</p>
<p>I hope we weren’t too harsh on you, Muffy. You sound like a very concerned and caring mom. I hope that when you share your concerns with her and show her the potential choices and then let her free to make her own mind, well, I hope that she somehow finds it within herself to surprise you with good grades and renewed interest in achieving to her potential.</p>
<p>I agree with mommusic and others. I tell my kids that they should do the best that they possibly can in their classes so that THEY have choices when it comes to applying to college. One seems to “get it” and one does not. It is very hard as a parent to watch the one who “does not” without getting into lots of nagging. I’m trying, and sometimes I succeed. Sometimes. ;)</p>
<p>I was just going to ask…when you originally “grounded” her, did you set parameters or just let her know she was grounded? What will the punishment be if she really does something “wrong”?</p>
<p>Muffy333
What are her EC’s and other interests? Does she have any passions? Are you doing your job as a parent to help her discover what makes her tick? Do you respect and encourage her curiosities? I think perhaps the approach you are using confuses her. Have her take a personality assessment and an interests survey. When she finds what she loves no one will be able to keep her from pursuing it. She may not always earn perfect grades but she will be on the path to being a happy and well adjusted adult. Don’t confuse A grades with success. This is where you are taking a wrong turn.</p>
<p>Remember your job is to give her roots and wings…</p>
<p>We had a kid who didn’t ‘fit’ in his high school. Bright, but didn’t like busy work, and some of the assignments. He barely had a 3.0.
He is now at a LAC where he is happy, working hard and has a 3.8 or better. Huge sigh of relief.</p>
<p>Hey racindriver,
I’m not harsh with my son; I just have limited financial resources. I teach at a community college and I have so many kids in my classes (we call them reverse transfers) who now have $40K+ of debt sitting on them from four year colleges. These young people often went with no idea of what to do other than go because mom and dad wanted them there. Many report that they simply wanted to “have fun” and partied their way into debt. It is so sad to see these young people at the beginning of their adult life horribly in debt.
On a positive note, community colleges do a great job of helping individuals repair the damage and go on. Community colleges are also an inexpensive way to figure out what you really want to do without spending huge amounts of money.</p>
<p>I was grounded probably 75% of high school for grades, ticking off my parents, etc. I was actually a pretty good kid, but a chronic underachiever (I was too smart and really bored). I can tell you, it did not produce anything good. Grounding doesn’t solve the problems. Figure out what your daughter needs to succeed. Is she a procrastinator? Set certain times for homework, and make her do it at the dining room table. Does she not bring materials home? Have her call a friend and arrange to borrow the necessary books - this is a bit embarrassing, and she won’t be likely to forget. Also make sure she is keeping an assignment book. You could even make that a positive thing - get her an inexpensive Palm Pilot to note stuff. She’ll think it’s cool, be likely to use it, and learn to be more organized. Is she just not getting the material? Go over stuff with her, and maybe find her a tutor.</p>
<p>These types of steps will address the root problem and make her far more successful in the future.</p>
You sound like a very concerned and caring mom. I hope that when you share your concerns with her and show her the potential choices and then let her free to make her own mind, well, I hope that she somehow finds it within herself to surprise you with good grades and renewed interest in achieving to her potential.</p>