<p>We had few rules but one was: no entertainment–and that includes IM’s as well as TV-- until the homework is done. Usually this meant no IM’s. Occasionally there would be announced “I need a break” where IM’s would be on for 10-15 minutes…then back to “Away” again. D was up too late on a routine basis to add anything else to the schedule.</p>
<p>Fendergirl, the perspective of a 22 year old is far different from parents who only want to protect their kids. No-one is trying to pry, and all most parents here on CC want is what is good things for their children. I have heard from enough of people, whose kids have IM’ed or been IM’ed inappropriate stuff. Even between known entities it still makes for a dangerous situation. And just bec. a kid is not giving out their tel.no. or address, does not mean they could not get caught up in a very unhealthy situation.</p>
<p>Momof WildChild, I fully understand where you are coming from. I saved my S from getting involved in a misdemeanor, after walking in on him several times and noticed him quickly minimizing the screen. I demanded to see it, and he let me. He was pretty sheepish afterwards. Some school buddies were planning a minor( in their view) heist.</p>
<p>
I too, am more concerned about limiting usage, timewise, like carolyn, dcmom3 and NJres. It is a huge distraction, and has a major impact on the quality of h.w. you are doing. Maybe they can outlaw it, like talking on a cell phone and driving, lol.</p>
<p>Anyhow, I am looking into this product called “I.M.Control”, available at any Office-supply store. I hear that you install it, and set it up so that it limits somehow, the time spent IMing.</p>
<p>My teens have shown me people’s xanga sites. Mostly cute, funny, and sharing experiences with friends. But then again I have seen some very revealing, personal, inappropriate info. </p>
<p>In December, a girl at our H.S. posted something very rude about another girl, on her xanga, and the other girl beat the c*** out of her at school. They both got suspended for a few days.</p>
<p>Kids are aware that any conversations online can be saved, pasted, passed around, used against them later, and yet many are not cautious about what they express online. These things cannot be taken back.</p>
<p>i do admit that a 22 year olds perspective is different from a parents perspective, and i am sure everyone wants for their kids to be safe. but at the same time i think kids know what theyre doing, and should be trusted to make their own judgements. for example kids could be talking at school about the minor heist and your son could of heard about it there. so logging IMs between his group of friends would be the equivalent of putting a wire on the kid while at school. (in my mind… if that makes any sense)… </p>
<p>I don’t know, maybe it’s just the way I was raised. I was raised to go to school, come home, go to work for three hours, then go on the computer/do whatever homework I had till i was tired. I’ve had my own computer in my bedroom since 9th grade (i bought it myself). All throughout high school I paid for part of the internet (afterall, i was the one using it the most… i stopped when i came to college), and if someone would of been reading my conversations, on my computer, that i had using my internet, i would of been pretty mad. (not that i had any bad conversations saved on my computer… but just the principle behind it). i was told to use my judgement, i went in whatever chat rooms i wanted, could talk to whoever i wanted… if my parents asked me who i was talking to, i’d tell them. if they wanted to know what we were talking about, i’d tell them. i’m a very open person. if someone snuck behind my back and was reading my conversations, I would be furious, because that’s a lack of trust. my sister bought her own computer when she was in 9th grade, and its the same way with her. she goes to school, goes to work, then comes home and does whatever homework/uses the computer. the only difference is, she doesn’t pay for part of the internet. (we got a different plan after I left for college… cable modem)… </p>
<p>so maybe it’s because i’m only 22, but i am a very honest person, and if someone wanted to know what was up, i’d tell. (well, other than if something is told to me in confidenciality, i’m a good secret keeper… which always suprises people, because i talk so much)</p>
<p>Fendergirl, you sound very wise and responsible, but you are also 22 now, not 14 as my D was when this pedophile was harassing her. I am scrupulous about some issues, like I wouldn’t read a diary or like I won’t open any mail addressed to my H or kids, even if I know it’s a bill that I will wind up paying or college propaganda that my D will toss out anyway. But in the case of a computer that I have paid for and is used by the whole family, and a kid who is young, exhibiting signs of confusion and turmoil, I’m not sure that reading a saved conversation is invading privacy. One friend suggested that my D saved this conversation for me to find because she didn’t know how to deal with the situation by herself??? Who knows.</p>
<p>i don’t think its invasion of privacy reading a conversation saved on your computer. if i was using your computer and i saved something, i’d say it’s completely fine for you to open that file, afterall, it’s your computer. but if i had my own computer, and you went on my computer and opened that file, then I would say thats different… as it’s my computer, that i paid for. you know? </p>
<p>I’m sure a lot of parents have caught their kids and saved them from bad situations. one thing that I have always done for my buddy lists (for the most part, till college) was i set it to only allow people that I had put on my list. so even if some strange person in california found my name and was trying to IM me, it wouldn’t go through, cause they weren’t on my buddy list. I know my sister does hers the same way. That way the kid can control WHO they can and can not talk to… kid can go in the chatrooms and chat with people, but the people cant’ actually IM unless you put them on your buddy list… in which case you just hope that the kid uses judgement in who they add 
</p>
<p>it is possible that your daughter saved it for you to see, and i’m sure youre glad she did (if that’s why she did it). teenagers sometimes have issues discussing things with parents, especially things such as harassment, so it’s quite possible that she did it for that reason.</p>
<p>:)</p>
<p>I am definitely a very open-minded parent, even my own kids think so; but I am sorry, none of them gets a T.V., telephone, or computer, in their bedrooms, even if they pay for it themselves. If they need to have a private conversation, all of our phones are cordless.</p>
<p>The difference between S hearing it at school (the heist), and chatting about it online, would be that if he said “cool, see you there” online, and then hopefully used better judgement and did not go, but it still took place, for all practical purposes another kid could use the saved chat to incriminate my S.</p>
<p>And I understand how fendergirl feels about the computer that she paid for :)</p>
<p>i know some families like that… like i said, it’s just the way i was raised </p>
<p>I don’t have a TV in my room at home (it’s in my living room at my apartment… i paid for it)… but i don’t watch tv anyway. i only ever use it for watching movies (i never had cable running to it at home), nor a phone at home (no point in having one, i have a cell phone). I have a phone here at my apartment to call around on campus and whatnot (saves my cell phone minutes). </p>
<p>computers are different though. there are seven people in my house at home, and a lot of work these days is done on the computer. My mom does work on the computer, my dad does work on the computer, my sister does work on the computer, my aunt does work on the computer, my cousin does work on the computer, and so do i. one computer just isn’t feasable. all of us purchased our own computers, and we have a wireless network going throughout our home. The only thing that bugs me is when my mom IMs me and tells me to come out for dinner :)</p>
<p>
Thank you, thank you, thank you, fendergirl. You have given me a brilliant new alternative to the “Dinner’s ready” call, which is often met with “I didn’t hear you.” Of course, since I don’t know how to IM…</p>
<p>haha, send me an e-mail and i’ll show you how, if you really want.</p>
<p>We had a potentially horrendous situation occur when my DD was in high school. We were pretty open about keeping things on the screen when the computer was used - in a pretty public place in our houe - and there didn’t seem to be very many problems - ahem… a few small ones - but those were settled pretty quickly by POS lol.</p>
<p>But…then I received a phone call from a police officer one fine day - I was informed that my DD had been in IM land with someone on a fairly regular basis - this IM’er came off as just another kid at first - but I was able to see what he was Im’ing - this party was being monitored by the police and I was being informed that he was a known sex offender - that they were building a case against this party and that he was within a 50 mile range of our house - I dragged this last info from them - that I needed to talk to my DD immediately!!! to say the least - I was UPSETTTTT!!! I was not allowed to have any other information, except - we did receive another call from the same police about 2 weeks later - letting us know that he was then in custody!!! - and actually thanking us for assisting them - tho we did not have to do anything after that - thank goodness. ( I did confirm that this was a real officer/investigator BTW and that this was a real situation!!!.)</p>
<p>I have to admit that this scared the bajesus out of us - both of us - and she was much more careful after that - and I was still the POS!!! only much more often - and at the time at least had some clue as to who she was IM’ing - could ID the screen names and who they were. Now she is off to college - over 18 - and hopefully still careful - which I really now believe she is.</p>
<p>fendergirl - Thanks for the offer. (Here, poster pauses for donning of party hat and blowing of party horn celebrating elevation to status of Member). Just can’t decide whether I “want to go there.” I assume it involves somehow registering on AIM and getting screen name etc?</p>
<p>Of interest for this thread, however, may be something I’ve always wondered. If I do “get on” AIM, can I lurk there and see what S and buddies are saying without them knowing?</p>
<p>No- IMs are not visible to people besides those in the IM conversation. You CAN tell who is online (unless they block you). Also, away messages which are put up can be very interesting and informative. I actually communicate with a friend of mine through our away messages. IM is great- I talk to my D in college and my S at boarding school all the time with IM.</p>
<p>IM’ing is great. You just have to be careful. If it is someone that I don;t know, i try to find out who they are, and if i cant, then no talkin.</p>
<p>Yikes! Right about now I think I’m pretty happy that I have some of the few kids (my oldest two) who do not IM at all! They’ve had neither the time nor the inclination to do so. My third will IM for maybe 10 minutes every other day with some close friends and one cousin–no strangers at all. I don’t feel the need to monitor it right now, but I would do so if I were uncomfortable at all.</p>
<p>Regarding journals…well, I recently had a VERY unfortunate incident regarding someone’s online journal (the daughter of a now-ex friend). I didn’t know anything about the journal, but my daughter found out about it and had some very serious concerns regarding the blogger’s mental health and semi-violent fantasies. I thought her concerns were VERY valid, given the atmosphere post-Columbine, etc. It’s really too long and too complicated to go into here, but suffice it to say that I would advise that teens be VERY careful about what they say online. Literally ANYONE can be reading it. Another concern I have about these journals is that they can serve to “normalize” some very inappropriate and dysfunctional behavior. For example, the girl who wrote the journal got lots of kudos from online “friends” (people she’d never met) for her suicidal and quasi-violent posts, but every knowledgeable adult I showed the material to thought it merited at least a psych. evaluation if not ongoing therapy. </p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>There’s a problem with monitoring the History file. If you find something and discuss it with your child, they can just wipe out the history file in the future. </p>
<p>Some may feel it is unethical to monitor the history file at all – as if we are going into their secret diaries. I disagree. Once upon a time, parents and extended families monitored the actions of their children, but were able to do so in-person. They hung out on the porch, or down the corner, or at a neighbor’s house (where they were also monitored by others). Yes, they could sneak things then as now. The opportunities for adults to meet their friends, and be a part of their lives, are now unfortunately less common. I think it far too dangerous to not pay attention to your teens – not by watching their every move, of course, but by occasionally checking in.</p>
<p>IM is such a tough one. In the “old days” the telephone would be tied up for hours. I actually prefer IM, in that it does not tie up the phone line (if cable or DSL). </p>
<p>My son insisted IM did not affect his school work. I am convinced that what would have taken an hour to complete, became 3 hours with IM on “in the background”. However, he did very well in school, so we could not argue that point. We DID argue that IM took up his other life…time he could be exercising, socializing, reading, etc. He frankly didn’t care, and it was very difficult to show him the things he was missing! In his eyes, doing those other things would deny him what he DOES enjoy (time with his friends online).</p>
<p>My daughter, on the other hand, does struggle more with some school work, so the IM time is critical. I believe we are about to restrict it’s usage to certain times of the day. She can go on temporarily for a school question, but it must be off while doing homework (not on in the background). OR, we may give her a time allotment. 2 hours total, anytime she wants. We’ll see…and I’ll let you know.</p>
<p>I’m intrigued at their use of IM for communications. My daughter will never phone someone to finalize social plans. Rather she waits until they happen to sign on to IM. Seems terribly inefficient to me! I can see the day when our children are in offices. No more phone calls. Rather, on screen will be a column of IM “hits”. You can answer those you wanted, and leave the rest. Now that sounds more efficient. It will make for interesting communications.</p>
<p>In our house we only have internet access in one room downstairs- main computer is there, and laptops can be plugged in for temporary use. The room isn’t all that intesting or comfortable, so unless they specifically want to use the internet, they work upstairs (our request), and can use Word with laptops for schoolwork - rarely need the internet for school. Both kids did (and do) homework in the kitchen - it’s warm and cozy, close to the food and the rest of family life. This is how we structured it, so as not to isolate the kids from us during the evening, which is our only time together. TV is in the family room, not in their rooms, so once again, they have to be with us if they want to watch. </p>
<p>I don’t buy the homework excuse for internet use. Spanish, Calc, Bio and History and Lit are in their textbooks, not on the internet! </p>
<p>Son usually finishes homework in the evening, then goes downstairs to do “stuff” on the internet, everything from updating the Scout site he built to designing (again) his own website, to IMing friends. Homework is done then, so I don’t feel I have to monitor. He’s never given me a reason not to trust what he does online, so I don’t pry, but then he’s uber-responsible and trustworthy, so I’m not saying it’s never appropriate for a parent to pry. I think it is, if you have reason to believe your kid’s hiding something, and an alert parent usually knows.
Since the main computer is sort of connected to his while online, H or I often go downstairs in the evening to work or waste time on CC or whatever so there really isn’t an opportunity to hide much, even if he were so inclined.</p>
<p>
When we began to see a pattern of reduced socializing, etc., we spoke to S about “balance.” I.E., we would not set arbitrary limits on computer usage, electronics, etc. so long as we saw a balance in his life. He responded well to that and we have liked the results.</p>
<p>I’m used to it now, but it threw me for a loop when kids in our neighborhood would hop off the MS bus, run indoors - each to his own home - and hop on IM. They were JUST outside together and were now just one or two doors away from each other! There must be some kind of comfort level in it, plus they are in touch with a large number of kids at once.</p>
<p>think of it this way, you meet people from all over the world, and IM is a great way to stay in contact with them. Sure e-mails work well, but IM is instantaneous. if two people “happen” to be on the computer at the same time, they can send messages back and forth, just like having a conversation, where as if they used email there is a much longer delay. i work with people from all over the world at my summer job (columbia, poland, croatia, czech, etc) and i am estatic when I see them pop on IM. it’s a great way for us to be in touch witheach other, just as if we were on the phone, but without the phone bill.</p>
<p>at my job during the school year i’m constantly on the phone with people in other states (florida, michigan, ohio, texas, etc)… just chatting, seeing how things are going, stuff like that… </p>
<p>at my school i’m constantly in person communicating with people from various other countries. (korea, spain, india, china, etc… wherever the international students are from)… and it’s nice to be able to talk to them over breaks/after they graduate via IM… same with people from other states. </p>
<p>these are just some of the perks to IMing.</p>