<p>This is a great topic, like many of you I would love to find a reasonable means of controlling Ds IMing. She has given me the same lame excuses about confirming homework assignments and not really IMing just doing homework on the computer. I think she could finish her homework in 1/4th the time if she wasnt IMing. Her grades have remained strong. I monitor her IM buddies list. I insist on having her password so I can at least periodically check her retained emails (this isnt much help, she can delete stuff she doesnt want me to see). The one thing that really upset me and almost got her IM privilege removed - was the list of pictures she had stored to attach with her IM messages. She had taken pictures using her cell-phone where she was trying to look sexy (poutty lips, sexy pose). I made her delete them of course; explaining that not only would her IM buddies but their parents would be able to view these pictures!</p>
<p>I admit there have been times when I have gone to the basement and unhooked the cable-modem-router - pretending the cable was probably out in our area. </p>
<p>I have spoken with a few IM-buddy-parents and they also would like to get control of this IM Monster, but are at a lost as to HOW. Im open to any and all suggestions.</p>
<p>TutuTaxi,
I have not tried this program myself, but I know people have had success with it. You can set time limits with it, using passwords, and then the IMing stops working, when your time limit runs out. </p>
<p>I.M.Control Program
I found an online review for the IM program, and a free demo:</p>
<p>"Compatible with the most popular instant messaging software, I.M. Control! allows parents to set limits for the time children spend instant messaging. Focused solely on the scheduling of instant messaging use, I.M. Control! is not intended for content filtering or monitoring purposes. For more information, visit <a href=“http://www.imcontrol.net%5B/url%5D”>www.imcontrol.net</a> or call 908-654-0400.</p>
<p>Berurah, it isn’t time-consuming to IM. These tech-savy kids seem to work it into their schedules/lives…just as adults work in the ability to use blackberry instead of waiting to get home or to the office check email. IM is quickly becoming a standard form of communication - and it’s good that kids are learning to “chat” effectively. </p>
<p>We use a “corporate IM” at work (as some of you have also stated) and its very effective for quick communication - not to mention cheaper than phone and email. And, yes, IM lingo translates to the business world. </p>
<p>Oh, and a cool trick we use with IM, just before we call each other at work, we send an IM with the word “ring” - so that person knows you are about to call them and can invite you to call or ask you to hold off for a few. </p>
<p>Anyway, I don’t agree with monitoring it - and am glad that the kids are up to speed with it. Whether you monitor it, or not, it’s a more “trackable” way to communicate that the phone.</p>
<p>I would not presume to state that parents should or shouldn’t monitor IM usage, that is a personal decision that would be on a case-to-case basis, depending on each situation.</p>
<p>For those kids who use it wisely, for homework questions, and don’t get obsessed, IM is a great tool. And for those kids who spend too much time in front of the computer, deluding themselves that they are being productive, and taking twice as long to do a half-baked job, {not to say any of those kids/or their parents are on CC }, it could be helpful to limit the time spent.</p>
<p>My D is one of those students who is able to use IM-ing effectively, and it does not hamper her schoolwork. My S needs more boundaries, and he has quickly adjusted to doing the major part of his H.W. away from the computer, finishing it in half the time, and then relaxing with Spanish, or a lit. book, while he IM’s.</p>
<p>From my experience with counselling families, I have to say here that limiting the time your children spend on the computer is one thing, controlling what they do on the computer is another. I see nothing wrong with having some reasonable limits to chatting on IM, if you see a pattern of it affecting school work, etc. I would caution parents, though, to be very careful about seeking to control and to be aware of everything that their children do re: IM’ing. In my opinion, insisting on passwords and checking their emails is wrong. Unless there is a serious problem which needs attention, e.g., drugs, guns, depression, this kind of invasion of privacy is asking for trouble. It is often this type of parent who seeks too much control over their children who ends up having real problems with their relationships with their kids, and whose kids feel forced to resort to hiding their lives from the parents. It is not conducive to open and honest communication, which is so vital in the teenage years. Think of it this way, with your hands as a metaphor. When the children are young, they need those hands to be holding onto them, protecting them and keeping them safe. Through the years as they grow older, the hands release, gradually, until the teenage years where they are more of a guiding force than a controlling one. Hanging on too tightly to 15-17 year old kids is not doing them any favors, and it does not prepare them well for when they go away to college and are truly on their own.</p>
<p>alwaysamom, I agree. I counsel HS kids and their families as well. It’s my experience that kids need their privacy preserved, <em>unless</em> there are red flags in their behaviour. Too many parents feel that they need to know “everything” about their teenage children, when in all reality their teenagers need the freedom to get out from under the microscope. Many parents feel that it’s perfectly acceptable to monitor IM’s although they would never consider listening in anonymously on a telephone conversation. If your child is not exhibiting dangerous behaviours (self injury, jypping school, drinking, drugs, eating disorders, etc) then there should be no reason to investigate or invade their private conversations.</p>
<p>alwaysamom and luckymom I understand what youre saying and I agree too much control is dangerous, but failing to set limits and allowing too much freedom is also dangerous. We all know of cases where parents were too restrictive and the child rebels. But there are also cases where a child has a serious problem and everyone but the parents are aware. I feel periodic monitoring is appropriate and necessary. Teenagers, especially the 13 - 15 years old, fall to ponder the consequences of their actions.</p>
<p>
These behaviors dont start overnight, they develop overtime. My goal in periodically monitoring Ds online activities is PREVENTION. </p>
<p>I guess this is one of those parenting issues we will have to agree to disagree.</p>
<p>First of all, I am more in favor of limiting the time spent IM-ing, and not monitoring the actual convos.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>That is a very general statement . How are those behaviors directly related to IM conversations. Kids could be involved in any of the above, but spend no time on the computer. On the other hand, kids could be heavily involved in other inappropriate behavior, like casual sex, theft, harassing or bullying others, and a host of others, that would not manifest itself in any obviously different behavior. And unfortunately I know of too many ‘perfect’ children, academics-wise, and social-skills-wise, whose parents have no clue of what these kids are really up to.</p>
<p>okay, how about we put it this way, what would your kids say if they saw on here that you guys are trying to think of ways to monitor, read, track, etc, their conversatios. I mean, limiting is one thing, but monitoring… why dont you just go pick up the phone and listen in on their phone conversations too… or make them wear a wire to school and to the mall… just so you can hear everything they talk about there… it’s definately an invasion of privacy, and I can’t believe how many of the well respected posters on here would consider reading your kids emails, reading every im conversation, etc… Like seriously, that really makes me wonder what you guys think about ethics in general. It’s just not ethical.</p>
<p>Furthermore, if the childs grades haven’t suffered, and they are still performing the same in school, then IM shouldn’t be a problem. Who cares if they do their homework for an hour first then go on IM for two hours, or if they do their homework while on IM and it takes 3 hours. either way they’re IMing for 2 hours and doing their homework for 1. As long as they get the work done, it shouldn’t be a problem. </p>
<p>I really don’t understand the problem here. (Maybe it’s because i’m only 22, but even at my age I know that reading other peoples e-mail isn’t ethical)</p>
<p>I would imagine that there would have to be a real concern for IM monitoring to begin. Otherwise, I don’t see why any parent would feel compelled to snoop into IM history.</p>
<p>Well, this is exactly it. There is no set answer, because you cannot really tell someone it is ethically wrong, without knowing all of the background. I would prefer to believe that none of us super-nice people here is ‘snooping’ because we have time on our hands.</p>
<p>We have a few rules that everyone at our home is more than happy to follow, and we did come up with the rules together. The only time I read an IM, was when my child showed it to me, and thank goodness!!</p>
<p>If there is something brewing, or the parent has reason to worry, or has information from a friend, really use your own judgement, and don’t judge anyone else.</p>
<p>tututaxi-I wasn’t trying to be judgmental, and I don’t think that anyone would argue your point about prevention. I just have dealt with enough teens to know that they become very resentful when they feel that their privacy has been compromised without cause. Trust can be a very fragile thing for them. Of course, if you smell smoke, then it’s negligent not to look for the fire. You also realize that if your teen is aware that he/she is being monitored, and they are discussing things they don’t want you to be aware of, they will adjust their IM convo’s accordingly. I know of one girl who has used her IM to her advantage because she knows it’s being read by her mom.
chocoholic- I never meant to infer that there is a correlation between IM usage and destructive behaviour. As for the other behaviours you mentioned, I believe that those do manifest themselves in obvious ways. Bullying, stealing, etc. In that case, knowing who your kids are associating with is probably the most important thing. Birds of a feather still do flock together. As for the ‘perfect kid’ who has his parents buffaloed, I see that quite often in my line of work. Unfortunately, there are usually red flags waving all around, and many just don’t choose to see them.</p>
<p>Since my child is in the habit of reading many of my posts–and posting herself–I will cautiously sugest that between 7th and 9-10th grade a parent may want to exert a good deal of oversite;since the other side of being too intrusive is much darker than the intrusion itself I would advise intruding, but with dignity attached to it.</p>
<p>fendergirl, I always smile when I read your posts. Thirty years ago I would have written something similar. I understand your position and admire your convictions, I hope in 30 years you may come to understand mine.</p>
<p>All children are different and all parents have different parenting styles. I have made mistakes and will continue to do so. I have tried to learn from my own parents and my friends. I am an older mom (38y/o when D was born). Some may see this as a major disadvantage but I have had the benefit of seeing first hand, destructive behavior in GOOD teenagers. </p>
<p>Many of my friends assumed as long as their child was on the honor roll at school, there was no need to set limits or monitor behavior. Academic decline is usually a late not early indicator in teenagers. My co-workers 11th grade daughter was going for her 2nd abortion before her parents knew she was sexually active. This girl was an honor student and her grades never dropped. My nephew a 4.0 student lost his generous American Legions scholarship because of a DUI, my sister had no idea he was hanging out with a different group of friends and had started drinking. I believe the childs friends are a better indicator than grades. This is why I monitor Ds IM-buddy-list. </p>
<p>I have Ds email passwords and she has mine. She knows I periodically monitor, especially after seeing what I considered an inappropriate picture attached to her IM screen name. One of her friends temporarily lost his IM privileges after his mother saw his screen name (sexually suggestive). He is a good kid who made a bad judgment. He apologized and is back online. </p>
<p>I promise this is my last post on this subject. We will just have to agree to disagree.</p>
<p>i’m glad you enjoy my posts tutu i enjoy them too ;)</p>
<p>I do understand where youre coming from - i just personally couldn’t let myself do it. I do think that parents definately don’t know their kids though. There are a lot of things that kids do that their parents don’t know about… and that’s a scary thought. i grew up going to work right after school, and if i wanted to go anywehre my parents wanted to know who i was going with, or where i was going, and i had to leave a phone number (untill i got a cell phone). they knew all of my friends (and liked them too!). </p>
<p>at the same time, there are a lot of parents that don’t give their kids ENOUGH space… for example, my one friend is 20. this past summer, i went to his house to visit and was spending the night. we couldn’t be in the same room with the door closed. his parents wouldn’t allow it. the one time i accidently almost closed the door ( i was taking off my shoes and i chucked them off to the side and they bumped the door, causing it to close halfway ) and his mom yelled up for us to keep that door open. his parents know how he is (doesn’t believe in doing things before marriage), and because of that they know that we would of never done anything in his room (plus, he has a girlfriend, and i have a boyfriend), yet he wasnt trusted to have a girl in his room with the door shut. i just think that as a junior in college you should have this ability.</p>
<p>I think you just have to know your kids. Some kids can have more space and do fine, and others need to be kept on a leash. (remember those little kid leashes, they were awful!)</p>
<p>I have a graduate degree in computer science; I have taught computer science at a top-25 university; I have held the title “Senior Research Computer Scientist” in a top research agency. And who do I always go to for help on my computer? My kid! When our wireless network is down, when my machine just gives up, when I can’t figure out how to do the simplest thing with PhotoShop, when my email and website go down, and … well, you get the idea. The other day, this same kid of mine showed me a program he had on his laptop that can display on HIS screen the current displays of every other computer on our network (I’d better be careful what I type). And THIS is the person that I’m supposed to install software for that would monitor his IMs??? Hmmmmm.</p>
<p>Back in the Stone Age that I grew up in, I didn’t have internet at my house. I can honestly say that I was more productive for it - you just write a paper without distractions. The computer was only on for paper-writing, nothing else.</p>
<p>About monitering IMs… after some thought, I would have to say that I don’t discourage it. It, in my mind, is very different from listening in on your kid’s phone conversations or wiretapping them at the mall. When you drive the kids to the mall, you know who they are going with. When someone calls, you might pick up the phone first. There is Caller ID. In short - you at least know who your kid is talking to and hanging out with. IM is entirely different, especially with chat rooms. Same for internet fora. The kids (see previous posters) don’t even know who they are talking to. </p>
<p>I do, however, think that you can restrict IM usage without invading your kid’s privacy. Insist on ground rules: no IM until homework is done (honestly, it’s a huge time-waster; after growing up without it, I know the difference - you just don’t work as well or as efficiently with it on); perhaps, if all possible, a non-internet computer can be used for typing up papers; finally, and most importantly, no IM unless the buddy list blocker is on. Go to options and edit preferences; click “privacy,” which is the second one down; then click the radio button for allowing “only users on my buddy list to contact me.” Kids should not have a problem with that - it’s just common sense to make sure that weird people can’t IM you.</p>
<p>A lot of people have no clue who their kids are going to the mall with - especially kids who are old enough to drive themselves to the mall. It’s no problem to go to the mall with someone, and meet 5 other people there. (friends invite their friends, who invite their friends… etc) Sure you can pick up the phone when it rings, but who is that to stop your kid from calling someone on the phone. Calling cards are like $5 - can call anywhere in the world w/o it being long distance. (when i was like 16 I used to call my one online friend in another state all the time… actually, I still do) and also, not everybody has caller ID. I know we don’t have caller ID at my house, but we do on our cell phones. Plus it only comes up on there if someone is calling you, not when you are calling someone else. (i could be wrong, like i said, we dont have caller id) I’m not trying to cause an arguement or anything, i’m just saying that noone can fully control who their kid does or does not talk to… online or offline. online definately does give you more opportunities to do harm for yourself though, and doing the blocking of IMs is a great thing, especially for younger kids. </p>
<p>i do think that some kids spend too much time on the computer as it is - and should be outside running around and having fun. joining some clubs or organizations… the same thing goes for parents as well… I’ve came to realize that parents are spending much more time online than they used to - not that that’s a problem or anything (you guys are great)… but when i got the internet we had 10 hours for an entire month, and we budgeted that out to 2.5 hours each… for an entire month… now, with the unlimited access to the internet, people are spending 2.5 hours each… for each day. it’s like everyone has an addiction to it, not just kids. I always laugh when i’m on vacation with people and they complain that they haven’t been able to check their e-mail in a few days!</p>
}, it could be helpful to limit the time spent.</p>
i enjoy them too ;)</p>