<p>Fendergirl: I guess we grew up differently. While you can meet other people at the mall, generally, your parents know who you are hanging out with. Some of it is that my parents are big on letting the kids have friends over. They never monitered us, just said hi and then went their own way - but it was familiar faces, people they got to know. </p>
<p>Sure, kids can drive themselves to the mall - but with what car? I honestly think that, so long as parents pay for insurance and for the car itself, they can dictate when the kid uses it. I had my own car in high school, but my parents still wanted to know where I was going. This was pre-cell days - just wanted to know where and with whom. They can tell by your manner - if you say, “I’m going to the mall and meeting Kathy there,” they’ll know if you are really meeting Kathy there or if something else is going on. They’ve probably met Kathy or can ask to have her over if they haven’t met her. </p>
<p>I do think you are picking a fight when you start in on calling cards and the like… I mean, really - your parents (well, maybe some parents are, not mine) are not completely oblivious and kids are not omnipotent thanks to technology. Parents know when the phone is being used. They know when it rings. They sometimes pick it up, esp. at my house because we weren’t allowed to have our own phone lines or phones in our room (we could carry the handset up, but no phone there until 16 or so). Bottom line is, parents have MUCH more of a clue about whom their kids spend time with on the phone and in person than on the internet.</p>
<p>P.S. I never said that parents can “fully control” their kids. Quite the opposite. Learn the difference between laid-back monitering/being involved and controlling.</p>
<p>aries, i like your posts, i really do, you’re great :)</p>
<p>for example, my ex-best friend used to tell her mom she was going to the mall with me, and then she’d just go to her boyfriends house. or she’d tell her mom she was going to the mall with her boyfriend, and meet up with like ten of his friends there, that her mom didn’t know at all. </p>
<p>and as for driving themselves to the mall - i have always had my own car (that i paid for myself), and i have always paid my own insurance. (pretty much everyone around here gets a job when theyre 14 or so and buys their own car and pays their own insurance… I don’t know if i knew anyone that didn’t work during high school to pay their car/insurance)… and honestly i don’t understand why my parents would pay for my insurance… it’s mine. same with my car… </p>
<p>i really wasn’t trying to start a fight about that, i’m just saying that a 16 year old can take the phone to their room (at most households) and call whoever they want, and a parent really wouldn’t know they were on the phone (unless they saw them pick up the phone and take it to their room). yes parents know when the phone rings, and they do sometimes pick it up… i know that… but unless you run around screaming “i’m going to make a phone call right now!” i don’t think they know every time you make a call. (especially if you have a phone in your room) actually, if you have a cell phone, the bill lists all incoming and outgoing calls, so you really can keep track of calls made/recieved by using them… ever notice all of the 14 year old kids with cell phones running around at the mall… it’s an insane amount… but those parents can track all calls made by the kid… my parents knew i was calling an online friend with my calling card. it was long distance, and that was my way of paying for my phone call. (at the time, we didn’t have any cordless phones in the house… just one corded phone in the kitchen. we have since added a cordless phone, which is in my parents bedroom… so they know when it is gone.)</p>
<p>and i agree, parents do have a much bigger clue of who their times spend with in real life rather than on the internet. all i originally stated was that I didn’t agree with reading im’s and e-mail. asking who youre talking to, or whose in your buddy list, or asking to see an e-mail… sure, that’s fine. but going on and randomly checking things, i don’t agree with. that’s all i’m saying. i also stated that i think kids should have their AIM set to only allow buddies that they have on their buddy list - to keep all of the “bad” IM’s out… that way they only are talking to people who they put on their list.</p>
<p>There’s a program you can buy at spectorsoft.com which I’ve used with success. You can set up an alert system that will email you when language, sites, etc. that you’ve deemed inappropriate are used or visited. You can also view all their IMs and emails if desired. My kids know I don’t spy on them but can have access to anything they do on the computer, which I believe can act as a deterrent. This whole underground IM culture can be pretty scary. I was amazed to learn how many girls had webcams and were flashing the guys!</p>
<p>Kids have to be 17 to be able to drive themselves to the mall. By then, most parents have instilled the values, morals, reality checks; had plenty of adult discussions; shared horror stories from the news, school and neighborhood.</p>
<p>You have to admit, most kids think they are invulnerable…isn’t that why those horrible things happen? Most kids are more trusting than they would be if they had been on this planet 30 years rather than 15 or 20.</p>
<p>Most parents are concerned about the 11 to 15 age group of kids, who are still very naive, but don’t think they are. To me, that is the dangerous zone, there is no world experience, no maturity, no exposure to the harsh realities, no work experience, and very often poor judgement.</p>
<p>Parents need to know their kids, and kids in turn need to know that their parents are loving caring people, who take their responsibilities seriously, and want to keep their kids out of harm’s way. Are there clueless parents out there? Sure. Are there parents who are too busy with their own social calendars to even care where their kids are? Sure. Are most parents only concerned about the wellbeing and safety of their children? Yes, and Thank God for that.</p>
<p>When IM was first coming into use, I was asked by a student how to deal with a problem he was having: he’d given his private IM to someone he’d barely met, and now was getting messages that made him nervous. On-line stalking of a sort.</p>
<p>This prompted me to create rules for IM use by my children: don’t ever give your real name, phone number, address, etc. to people you don’t know in “real life.” (Keep in mind that things like Livejournal often include people’s IM handles.) Don’t set your Away message to say where you are in real life. (Lots of kids have it say “at the mall,” for example.) Don’t say anything on IM that you wouldn’t want posted at school the next day. (Ditto for e-mail and Livejournal.)</p>
<p>you can simply block anyone that is bugging you, or (as i’ve said a few times now) set your buddy list up so that only people you okay are on it (i.e. they must be on your list)…</p>
<p>I never put where i am in my away message (it used to drive my mother crazy!). i have these stupid quirky messages that are just part of like song lyrics or randomities. </p>
<p>i have no problem having my screen name on this board.</p>
<p>Oh yeah, friends can certainly say that they are going out with someone and then do something else - I certainly would tell my parents that my best friend and I were getting ice cream, then we would wind up on trips that were no where near any ice cream shop - things like that. </p>
<p>Some of it is that my parents are really friendly - not intrusive or fake friendly, but they really care about people and they are really social. So when my friends call, they’ll start talking to them - “how’s the boyfriend? how did college go? Still working at that place?” and they do the same thing when they come over. My dad picked us up from the airport after spring break and took us out to breakfast - which was cool - so he definitely knew who my college friends were, too (then again, I went to school close to home). They would also sometimes chat with my roommates - “Hey, how are you?” </p>
<p>It’s never anything intrusive, and it didn’t start when I hit 16, so it never bothered me. In fact, my friends have asked my parents for advice! So - I guess what I’m saying is that it’s not too hard to get a sense of what your kids are doing in high school. If you don’t know, then it’s time to ask.</p>