Should we attend HS graduation for troubled nephew?

Parent Cafe
1

DH and I have raised our pups to be respectful young people, but one of my four sisters has chosen the free-spirit, kids will be kids, boys will be boys nonsense that has certainly caused strife in our family. It was difficult when DH and I had to explain to our own pups that we didn’t want them picking up bad habits from their cousins, and we disagreed with how their cousins were being raised, but it wasn’t our choice. One particular nephew has always had a wild, rebellious streak and my sister, always in denial, thought he could do no wrong, and often laughed at his antics. Like she thought it was funny when he marched in to the principal’s office on the first day of middle school and told the staff he was transferring out, and was going to go live at his father’s house. What a riot it was when he was 11 and stole grandma’s credit card to order concert tickets he wanted to attend. Lots of kids make mistakes - it is part of growing up. But if they are never disciplined for bad behavior, it can get worse.

At age 13, lighting fires in trash cans at the park is a big joke. Within 3 weeks of getting his license at 17, he had his first speeding ticket, doing 85 in a 45 zone. He then lost his license for DUI two months later - and won’t be able to get it back until he’s 21 and completes 50 hours of community service and 12 hours of classes. He lost his after school job for not showing up. He is on his way to his stated lifetime goal of becoming a stay at home son.

We have now been invited to his high school graduation (he was in D’s year but was left behind two years, once in third grade, then after refusing to do any homework, and serious truancy disguised as chronic migraines, he has taken 5 years to get through high school). Since D and S were both valedictorian, we were able to invite family to sit up front to hear their speeches. We had invited my sisters and parents, if they wanted to come, and they did and said they enjoyed it (nephew claimed to as well)- but they conveniently snuck out after their speeches - pushing grandma in the wheelchair. So there is sorta an obligation.

I want to be proud of him for perhaps finally getting enough of his act together to graduate. But it is difficult.

I am happy to get him a graduation gift, but honestly, I am sadly not very optimistic for him. If we give him cash, I fear he will waste it on 420. Sis thinks he is just a big goofball, but DH and I, and the rest of the family, think he is at best easily misled, the result of bad parenting. He has outright asked DH for cash, for graduation, but DH told him I am in charge and that I never like to do that. I am thinking of getting him a gift card to a big and tall clothing store (he is now close to 300 lbs), a Dunkin or Starbucks card, and one for GameStop (he spends a lot of time gaming).

I have no desire to attend his graduation - his is at a school with over 600 graduating students- and mom’s health now will prevent her from coming. D said if she is around then she will go for him, as she thinks her aunt needs someone with her to make comments about the slutty dresses some of the girls are wearing. But she doesn’t know for sure about her summer internship - she may be back at Stanford.

I don’t want to drag DH with me on this but I can’t stomach the idea of hanging out with sis in a crowd for that long - part of me would not be surprised if sis leaves after his name is read, not hanging out for a picture later.

Thoughts or suggestions please?

2

I personally hate attending graduations. I think they are boring…unless YOUR kid is graduating or a really good person is the speaker.

Having said that…I think I would go if invited. You are not supporting his bad habits…you are celebrating that he (finally) graduated HS.

3

Go for your sister, unless you don’t want a relationship.

4

I agree, go for your sister. My nephew had a similar childhood, his mother tried but his father indulged him. He’s had some hard times, but woke up one day and decided to get responsible, get a job, and adult. It’s amazing and gratifying to see.

5

Definitely no cash gifts. Who knows what that will be used for. The gift cards seemed a good idea (to me).

I agree ^^ . This will be no fun for you, but if the kid ever straightens out and reflects back on his upbringing, he may remember that his aunt was there for him on one of the few life events worthy of positive celebration. If your sis ever needs your help or support down the road, you may also be in a better position for having supported your nephew by your attendance.

My Hubby has supported me in a few family events that I felt obligated to attend. I hated to inflict these on him. but his presence was a big help to keep things in perspective. And, he knows how much his support helped me. Feel him out, he may find the ordeal slightly less onerous than you do (one step removed as an in-law). Possibly he would be pleased to help you out.

6

Go. He’s still a kid and you have to have hope that he will turn himself around one day. Having his family show up may not mean much to him now, but it might be something that will mean a lot to him one day, when he matures and realizes that his family was there and cared about him.

7

Ouch…he sounds like he has a lot of issues. That being said, if he actually will graduate ( and maybe he won’t ) go to show that you appreciate he made it to this milestone. It might be the best he does in terms of accomplishments. I wouldn’t support his habits by gift cards or cash , but maybe something for the future that he can’t touch right now…like a savings bond. Sounds like it will be a difficult event to attend , but maybe he needs some show of support. It is sad to see children who are products of a bad environment slip through the cracks.
Not a good idea to attend for the sake of disparaging " slutty girl " dresses.
I see the kids who didn’t do anything productive post high school graduation , hanging around our town. It makes me sad because , had they had proper guidance, may have had a chance at reaching their potential

8

Please go. Often times the kids you least want to support are those who really need it the most.

9

There is so much judgment in your OP that I think it might be kinder to not go. Agree with no cash.

10

Seriously? Just go. Your sister was there for you and your kids. Just becuase they were vals do you think your sister really wanted to go any more than you do?
Like the clothing store gift card idea.

11

I agree with the others. Go to support your sister and go because it may mean something to your nephew. Your nephew may not remember you attending, or care right now, but a few years from now, who knows? Please go and have kind words for him.

12

Don’t go if you’ll be unhappy all day, if you’ll be annoyed because you aren’t sitting up front, if you are ashamed of him, which it certainly seems like after OP. I think you should go, but only if you’ll change your attitude and be happy for HIM and want to celebrate with him. Don’t do it for your sister because she’ll feel that it is only out of obligation. The gift should be what you want him to have to celebrate his achievement. It sounds like of the things you listed, he’d enjoy the game-stop gift card the most. Does he want, or need, clothes from the ‘big boy’ store? Maybe he’s trying to get money to buy a new computer or gaming system and not just for pot? Maybe he’d like a subscription to some gaming magazines or ‘point cards’ to play?

I’ve not always been my nephew’s biggest cheerleader, and it is not all his fault as his mother (my sister) thinks he walks on water and can do no wrong. He was quite a nightmare when younger (my kids are the same age) and it was hard on my kids to watch him get just about anything he wanted or to scream bloody murder if he didn’t. Now that he’s in college and I can talk to him more as an adult, I do find things about him that I like, that I can admire. He’s still spoiled and pampered, but he has some good points too. He visits his grandmother and who cares that it is just because she makes him grilled cheese sandwiches? He visits. My sister is already talking about and planning his graduation for next year but I won’t be invited because she doesn’t like to mix family with her friends, and several of her friends also have kids graduating. For a gift I’ll probably pay his alumni dues (I also went to that college) or for something he needs for a new apartment. Money doesn’t mean much to him so I’d like to get him something he wouldn’t buy for himself.

13

If you know his size and style, maybe buy him clothing that will look nice and be suitable for a job and/or something for the gamestop store. I would definitely attend if I could to support your sister (his mom). It’s so hard when we have relatives that are having a hard time maturing. We sure hope they all find their path but it can be painful while they are doing so.

To me, it would be very important to celebrate an achievement that helps this young man move forward in his life and is something positive.

14

In these kind of situations I tell myself it’s not about what type of person the other person is but what kind of person I want to be. Which means I would be a caring and polite person who supports family and go.

15

Re: a gift. I would stay away from clothing. Most 20 somethings prefer to choose their own clothes, and where they shop to buy them.

Get him something he will enjoy, not something you think he needs like job interview clothes.

What about an Amazon gift card. You can get just about anything from Amazon.

16

Double like to @KKmama’s post. Many people don’t deserve our love or respect, but it’s gracious to love and respect them anyway. It’s a miracle this kid is graduating. Don’t you want to witness a miracle? :wink:

17

I agree, I’d suck it up and go to graduation with a smile on your face. Hopefully this achievement can help propel him in a better direction.

And agree that no cash for a gift – the closest I’d get to cash is a gift card (Amazon is a good suggestion).

18

Gift cards can easily be sold for slightly less than their face value online pretty easily, so if you are trying to limit him from being able to obtain cash. Perhaps his mom might have some idea of things other than cash that he really wants and she’d love if you could buy?

Clothing can also be returned and the person would get a gift card or credit back to the store that they may not appreciate if they already have the clothing they want or don’t like the styles of the store. That card or credit could also be sold on ebay or similar easily, as could the clothing items themselves.

19

Go, hold your tongue and be as supportive as you can. It’s one day.

20

I would go to show support to my family. Your nephew may not be perfect, but he has feelings just like all other kids, he will wonder why everyone went to your kids’ graduations and not to his.