Should we attend HS graduation for troubled nephew?

Parent Cafe
21

I think you sound pretty judgmental about this kid. You acknowledge that he didn’t receive much guidance or structure growing up, so have some compassion. Go to his graduation and be happy for him. Reinforce that graduating is a good thing.

While you’re there, try to refrain from dropping extraneous words like “Val” and “Stanford” into conversations unless specifically asked. It sounds like your kids are doing great, and that’s wonderful. But that doesn’t mean your nephew is a useless, hopeless piece of dog doodoo. IMHO you sound bit snotty about him, his classmates, his school, etc.

The world has many, many cases of highly successful people who took very rocky and unorthodox roads to success, but still got there. Sometimes, they become huge successes. Biographies of such people are fascinating.

This kid might surprise you. He sounds like quite a character – “stay at home son” indeed!

22

a gift card to anywhere (Amazon, Dunkin, clothing stores) can be easily sold for cash via Cardpool, Raise, etc., so if he really wants to use gc for weed, he’ll get it.

Give what you feel like giving…and let it go. Who knows–maybe he’ll restore a little of your faith in him :slight_smile:

23

Go. Bite your tongue.

24

Do you think your sister really wants you to go, or is just asking you out of obligation?

If I knew that my sister had such contempt and disgust for my child and myself, I don’t think I’d really want her there. I think that would be the first question I would try to get answered. If she doesn’t actually want you there, because she knows how little you think of them, then I would provide her with a really good excuse of why you must do something else that day. If you determine that she truly does want you there, go. Avoid talking about how amazing your kids are, it’s about your nephew, for just one day.

And you never know. Children can surprise you. You really have no idea what’s going on inside of people’s brains. He may end up happy and successful. If someone actually believes in you, it can make a world of difference.

25

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts - I have clearly had conflicting emotions about this whole situation, and many of you have picked up some of what has been running through my head.

There are obviously a number of other sister-issues at play here - her behavior while our mom was in the nursing home / rehab for 3 months was horrendous, and completely self-centered. The nursing home was 5 minutes from her house, and 25 minutes from mine, yet I managed to stop by at least 5 times a week, actively engaging mom, while she made it maybe 1.5 times a week. I will give credit to nephew as he did stop by a couple times a week on his own - but he was using his grandma’s car then, she “wanted to make sure it was still running.” But at least he was very careful with her car.

I understand that very few people like to go to graduations, they are boring, and I have been spoiled because S and D did so well.

A big part of me thinks nephew invited us because he wants a graduation gift (which we would send anyway). I really don’t get the impression he is proud of his accomplishment, instead it is more of a sense of relief to everyone involved. He has always been an underachiever in school, doing the bare minimum or less than that. S has told us that he is sloppy and careless in his work, if he does it at all. But he did attend class much more this past year - it was his sophomore year that he repeated due to his absenteeism. While sister brought him to see a doctor about his alleged headaches, she never spent any time with him on his summer make-up work - which he made no attempt to do himself.

I am proud that he did manage to show up enough that he will be able to graduate - I know from my volunteer work that once truancy bites in high school, it is very difficult to overcome.

I am sorry that some of what I wrote initially makes some of you think I have a huge amount of contempt and disgust for them both. I love my nephew and my sister, well she will always be my sister. I won’t ever forget the kindness she has shown my pups when my medical issues flared up. But I think she has taken advantage of our mom, and our late father - whining about her finances even though she earns 50% more than DH does. She complains that college for her older daughter is so expensive because she didn’t get the great aid that my pups have earned. Mom falls for it and gives her money all the time. Mom complains to the rest of us that she has to pay her daughter to get her to come visit her. Of course, mom can do what she wants with her money, but the rest of my siblings agree that sister is taking advantage of her.

I honestly don’t think my sister wants to go to his graduation anyway. Her attitude when he was young was perfectly summed up with a statement she made to us when he was around 3 or so - “I don’t need to read to him - that’s what school is for, they will teach him to read - why should I do someone else’s job?”

Nephew has caused many of his own troubles by the choices he has made, but ever since he was little, I was always bothered about how little attention she gave him. I don’t think I have disgust nor contempt for him, but as his grandmother says, its more of disappointment in how she raised him.

I am of course proud of my pups, but I don’t think I have ever rubbed it in to them. I am more likely to downplay their accomplishments when asked, and I will often change the subject to ask what’s going on with them.

DH has been wonderfully supportive. He told me we should go to the graduation, as he is afraid S won’t even take a picture of Nephew in his cap and gown. He has a point - she did not take a picture of niece at her graduation, the only picture she has is the one we took. Nephew did not attend his sister’s graduation, and his sister is studying in Spain and won’t be back for his graduation.

The reason I wanted to get him a clothing gift card is because he doesn’t appear to have any shirts that fit him that aren’t weed-tee shirts, and I don’t think he’s worn a pair of long pants in four years, since his grandfather’s funeral. DH and I thought about getting him a year’s membership to a local fitness center, but that seems too awkward at best, if not outright insulting at worst.

The other issue is that his grandmother has set a precedent of giving $500 cash for high school graduation - for all the other grandchildren. She would be mortified if she knew he was smoking pot - she thought he lost his license and car because of the accident - she does not know it was DUI, and on the one hand I think it is kinder to let her believe what she wants. But my other sisters and I want to find a way to suggest to her that giving him cash is not in his best interests.

26

All that stuff about Vals and sitting up front really turns me off, frankly. As if everyone else at a graduation is chopped liver?

Yes, it does sound as if he has had insufficient guidance and tends towards impulsive, poor decisions. Some of the things he has done–such as declaring his intention to transfer–aren’t actually bad. Others, such as the DUI and stealing a credit card, definitely are. Sounds like he’s lucky not to have ended up as a stay-in-juvie son.

I’d go and show support. I’d refrain from making remarks about the superior performance of your own children. Actually, I would refrain from saying anything about them at all unless asked. This is about him. Somehow he managed to graduate and not drop out.

I agree with not giving him money. I think something that recognizes that you know something about his interests, even if they aren’t career-oriented, would be nice, such as the gift card to GameStop.

27

When you give a gift, you have to just give a gift. What happens after…well…that is the recipients thing.

So…give a gift you would like to give, that this graduate would appreciate. Like I said…you can buy almost anything at Amazon.

Celebrate this success.

28

Those who are accusing you of being too judgemental are, well, judging you. Hmmm.

I’m not judging you. i understand your situation. I’ve been there. My H’s siblings are notoriously permissive and a couple of them have managed to raise kids whose antics would raise anyone’s eyebrows. They do school well, but the multiple high speed traffic tickets, shoplifting, the disrespectful language and behaviors, destruction of property, etc, are just the result of poor parenting…and that’s where my judgement lands…on those kids’ parents. The parents think it’s all “so funny” and I’m sure the kids are encouraged when they hear their parents laughingly tell everyone the latest antics. When one nephew was about 4, he had heard his parents use the F-word enough that he began using it. He was told not to say it (preschool wouldn’t allow), so instead he would tell anyone he met, “I’m not allowed to say %^&* anymore,” just so that he could still actually say the word. And his parents thought that was just hilarious. This one is now 26 years old and is a “stay at home son.” There is nothing wrong with him. He’s not mentally ill or anything. He’s just spoiled, lazy and poorly raised.

Either go to the graduation if you can stomach it, or have a good excuse and just send the gift. If you send the gift ahead of time likely you’ll be less-pressured by the family to attend. As for a graduation gift, a gift card to GameStop won’t likely get exchanged for cash for ill-use.

That said, your sister knows you parented two valedictorians. She knows that. If you don’t go, the wrong message will be given. Instead of: “my sister didn’t come because my kid is a brat,” the message she’ll get will be: “my sister didn’t come because she thinks my kid’s accomplishment is pathetic next to hers.”

Many here may not have relatives that are ridiculous parents so it can be hard to imagine how it can all be hard to just “smile and nod”.

29

I agree with giving him a gift card that recognizes his interests (non marijuana related), if he’s a gamer, he would appreciate something to GameStop or another store that he frequents. Definitely not a gift card to Dunkin Donuts, for an overweight kid, that seems kind of insulting (even though he may use it). I would imagine your sister has some suggestions for gift cards that he would like.

Does he have an interest in programming, at all? Many gamers do. Would he use a gift certificate to a beginning programming class? I wonder if he is planning on going to college.

30

High school graduations deserve some celebration regardless of whether one is val or takes a more circuitous route to get there. Actually, a kid like your nephew needs the support of extended family more than any val does. Family should support one another. Be the adult and go. I’d also suggest stepping up and trying to be there for him at other times as well.

I’ll stop here because anything else I am thinking about this post isn’t very nice.

31

OP asked a question, and people answered. I also understand her situation, but, sorry, she comes across as quite judgmental. I’ll own it if you think my pointing that out makes me judgmental as well.

32

“stay at home son” is now my new favorite phrase

33

OP, you didn’t mention anything about having to travel a long distance in order to attend the graduation. If it’s close to home, and you were invited, I think you need to suck it up and go.

As far as a gift? You could put some money in an IRA for him.

34

You won’t regret going. But I definitely wouldn’t give cash. What is he doing after high school?

35

I would go and celebrate his forward progress. I wouldn’t give him a gift certificate for clothes because that seems to imply that he should go out and get a job. Personally, I couldn’t give a gift certificate for GameStop because it seems to encourage more time on the couch.

@thumper1 said you can’t think about what happens to the gift after you give it and usually I can and do follow that advice.

I have a fifty yo nephew who lives in his parent’s basement. He is a college graduate and has lived on his own but DUIs and the like have caused him to bounce back home. I used to give him a little $$ at the holidays to be kind. One year I felt like I was just feeding his bad habits and bought him a gas card instead. He told me he was going to buy cigarettes with it.

So I say buy the Amazon card and don’t think about it again.

36

Post #32–can’t put money into an IRA unless the person has that amount in earned income that year. In any case, easy to close an IRA and take $$$. Agree it would be nice to talk to sis and find out non-pot interests of nephew.

37

What about a savings bond?

38

I have the opposite thread going - and believe it or not I say - you were invited, you go. It’s a positive thing, it’s only a few hours. Even if he doesn’t acknowledge it, what you are saying by going is that his accomplishment is something to be proud of and he is important enough to make the time to celebrate. Maybe he won’t care today, but maybe someday he’ll know you were someone who cared enough to try.

39

Think about it this way… How well do you think your kids would have turned out if they had your sister as their parent instead of you and your husband? I doubt they would be where they are now. Go to the graduation. Ask him if he needs help with anything. Talk to him about what he wants to do once he graduates.

40

I try to act in a way to bring out the best in people. I do believe there is a best in most people. So yes go to the graduation, you are celebrating a milestone. Don’t say anything snarky. I wouldn’t get him clothes, as it will likely make him feel resentful.