IMO this is about preserving your relationship with your sister. I say: bite the bullet, go.
We cannot control what people do with our gifts. I like the idea of an Amazon gift card, but maybe, just maybe, he would actually use cash for something legitimate. And it’s true that he could easily sell the gift card to get cash. So I would just give him cash and be done with it.
I own the fact that I come across as judgmental, but I hope the genuine sadness comes across too. There is a lot of anger towards my sister that I really try to separate from him.
In my volunteer work, I regularly see dozens of kids who come from far less privileged environments, yet most of them seem motivated to do their best, at least when they come to see me.
As far as we know, nephew has no plans to attend college nor do anything with his life besides stay at home. He has told DH that he probably won’t be doing anything until he can apply to get his driver’s license reinstated at age 21 - another 10 months away.
Sister doesn’t seem to have any problem at all with this choice - although she has commented to mom that “Its his life, there’s nothing I can do about it!”
Over the years, he has talked much more to DH than to me . This has been the case since he got awfully mouthy as a child when we had him and his sister for a week while sis and ex-BIL attempted marriage counseling. I called him out on his “unacceptable” behavior - my house, my rules, and I took his Gameboy away for a whole day- and he has generally been very quiet in my presence ever since. Of course, I am the one who pays mom’s credit card, so I noticed the charge. I researched it and confronted sis, and was talking to her when he came in and saw first hand how angry I can get. His denial and “I don’t care” attitude doesn’t fly with me. Sis would not make him apologize for lying to me or to his grandmother for stealing from her - she thought it was funny and she paid the credit card - then next month proceeded to beg mom for money crying poverty. I have had a hard time forgiving people for their transgressions, especially when there is no act of contrition.
I know there are a lot worse problems that people face with their families. .
They live about 30 minutes from us, and the school is on the other end of their town, perhaps 40-45 minutes from us. It is not too far, really. But Mom is getting worried and keeps asking about me taking her to the bank to get cash for his graduation (still a few months away). Mom was never very good with money, and my late father did everything for her. But thankfully she trusts me and older sister to keep her “outta the red”.
Having my own family situation, I understand how tough this can be, how all the things involved make it tough. I am the first person to tell people that the whole blood is thicker than water thing is nonsense, that if being with the family is toxic why go there…
In this case, though, I think it comes down to why you should or shouldn’t go to the graduation. If the nephew other than being a screwup hasn’t done anything to hurt you and your family directly (after all what he is doing has screwed himself up from what I can tell, it doesn’t seem like he has hurt anyone outside himself at this point), then it comes down to how you feel about your sister and family as a whole. The graduation after all is supposed to be about him hitting a milestone in life, as insignificant as some may view HS graduation these days.
I can understand the resentment you have at your sister, the issue with the parents and the money they give her, etc, but what I would ask is if you otherwise have contact with your sister and her family, why duck graduation? The nephew isn’t responsible for the way the mom raised him, he isn’t responsbible for the crap your sister has pulled, so why should you duck his graduation because you resent the sister? (and I ask that honestly, I am not trying to judge you).
Obviously, if going would cause you a lot of personal pain then it may not be worth it, but since you otherwise seem to interact with your sister and her kids, why make the distinction with graduation? Do what a lot of people do, go to the graduation, say congratulations, then go home if you don’t want to further interact with the family. As far as the gift goes, others are right, how the person uses the gift is up to them. Yep, you can sell gift cards, but then again if you got him let’s say a game console, he could sell that, too. To make it more difficult, get him a gift card, and know you tried to be nice. Not going to graduation isn’t going to make the kid change his ways, it isn’t going to stop your sister from taking from your parents, and if you have some need to keep connections with them as family, it will only make it worse.
You need to go…your presence means a whole lot more than your absence ever would…
Your simple presence shows that graduation has meaning to someone in the family. It is a goal to be celebrated–and hopefully will lead to other goals that can be celebrated in the future.
Be the role model you wish he had.
It’s not about your sister. And no matter how angry with the nephew it shows him a different value structure.
Gift-wise I would look for something that is more personally meaningful than a gift card or money. A special key chain or pin or charm. A “good luck” piece. Doesn’t have to be fancy–just something he relates to or better yet you both relate to in some way. He may toss it but he probably won’t forget it.
It sounds like this kid got to graduation with very little support and maybe some learning issues, bullying, etc. (Repeating years, illness, etc.) Rough path. Be there to support him and celebrate. High school graduation is a given for most kids; perhaps not this one.
And regardless of how little support your sister gave him, I imagine that at some level, watching your successful kids must have been excruciating for her. A regular reminder of what her kid wasn’t. While her parenting was bad, it sounds like she loves him. She showed up to celebrate your kids’ accomplishments and it may have been boring and jealousy provoking. Return the favor.
Go. Support him. Celebrate with the family. Give him any gift and don’t worry about how he’ll use it. It’s his day.
By the way, HS degree still DOES matter and offer more job opportunities than folks without. I’d go and bring a smile and make the day about nephew, not my kids. It sounds like he hasn’t had much to celebrate and this IS an accomplishment that has value. If your H is available, I’d say have him attend too, especially since the nephew has a relationship with him. Good luck to your nephew–sounds like he will need it!
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I also understand her situation, but, sorry, she comes across as quite judgmental.
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So what?
Not being judgemental just leads to enabling and giving a false impression of acceptance of bad behavior.
Or … It leads to holding grudges and making yourself miserable up there on your righteous pedestal.
Honest to God, my sister and her family have done some of the EXACT things OP has written. EXACT. But I sent cards and gifts for graduations and try not to let her antics provoke me. If OP can’t go to this graduation for a couple of hours and be happy for this kid who sounds lucky to have reached this milestone, then stay home. Send a gift but beg out of a get-together.
I think this is the most enlightening comment I’ve ever read! I wrote it on a sticky for my husband - his mothers mantra is always that we can’t judge.
If he died in a car accident tomorrow, God forbid, would you go to the funeral?
How much nicer to celebrate the happy occasions as they come by, so much moreso when they are rare in a person’s life. Not going sends a terrible disapproving, you didn’t do it my way, message. You don’t want that, do you? Just go. It’s just a graduation, not an audience with the Holy See.
In the OP’s example, the bad behavior was as far as I can tell not towards the poster or their own family, it was the kids behavior growing up and the sister’s behavior with the parents. If someone hurts someone directly, then yes, not calling on them would enable them to do more bad behavior towards themself, I get that. If the nephew in this case had treated the OP or her family badly, routinely did bad things to them, it would be enabling to not call him on it, I would agree. But judging the kid for his actions towards others, or the way the sister raised him, or the way the sister treated the mom and using that as an excuse not to go to the graduation is lame, it is getting retribution for something the person or their mother did to others and it won’t do anything. As others have pointed out, by going to the graduation maybe the kid will get a little ray of light about achieving something, finishing something, for once celebrating something with him. I doubt it will change him overnight, sounds like the kid has multiple issues, but not going would to me be simply throwing shade at the kid, dumping on him, because the sister didn’t ‘raise him right’ or because he hasn’t exactly a model student or whatnot, and what would that accomplish?
If the OP doesn’t go to the graduation because being with her sister and her kids and son is too hard for her, that is fine, but doing it out of a sense of judgement for what they did to others not only won’t accomplish anything, it likely would do more harm then good.
Here’s a story to think about. It’s long but stick with me. It’s actually relevant once you get to the end. I was taking my kids when they were little to the dentist. I ran into my friend Janes husband ( Jack) who was hearding his 3 kids in, including his 3 year old who he was carrying/comforting because she was scared. He’s a super successful salesman nice, great dad but usually at work during day…but said Jane was sick so he brought them. We go in and the dentist who is also a mom friend of mine, but doest know Jane personally comes out to call my daughter in and she’s like “Jack Miller???” And Jack says yeah hi. Dentist is like wow I haven’t seen you since high school.
So she says to me, real casual, can you come back with us? My daughter was 5 and usually went in alone but I went back. Dentist gives kid to hygienist grabs me by the shoulders and hauls me into office. " What is the deal with Jack" I tell her what I told you above “good guy, good dad, very successful. What’s wrong?” And she’s like “you don’t understand. He was the druggie at our school. I thought he might have dropped out. He was like scary and lazy and Going nowhere good.” " I don’t even understand what you’re telling me it’s like impossible "
So after I got home I called Jane and told her that it It turns out Jack and Dentist went to high school together and Jane laughed and said “oh then she must’ve known him during his bad boy phase. You know he was like a pothead in high school. He only got his act together after a year or two and working for minimum wage. Went to community college for two years. Transferred to state. And ended up getting his MBA at Northwestern. Really turned his life around I guess. I’d like to take credit but that was all before he met me .”
Point is go to the darn graduation. You can’t predict anyone’s future. And get him an Amazon gift certificate.
@musicprnt You’re right. I was somewhat confusing this thread with the other similar one.
Ask sis if she is attending through the entire ceremony. I would say I want to go and attend for the entire ceremony - great to go and show the kids respect by attending through to conclusion.
I do think one should applaud his achievement and give him kuddos for making the efforts to graduate. Also would be a sign for him working ‘baby steps’ in the right direction for a better adulthood than his misguided youth.
One never knows when something changes their mind/turns them-self around.
I wouldn’t but would send a greeting card with a gift card for a bookstore.
@musicprnt - I have not posted all of the things Nephew has done to hurt me personally - let’s say they run the gamut from minor microaggressions like never flushing to open acts of hostility. There is no doubt he has issues and several of us have tried to talk to Sis about him times, pleading with her to get him some professional help, to no avail.
Each Christmas, when the family gets together at my house, for most of the past several years he has made a beeline for our tree, intentionally taken a glass ornament off and dropping it on the floor - then he says “My Bad”. Some of these truly upset me as they were hand painted by DH’s sister with our pup’s initial and a picture, a couple were from my own grandmother. He likes to get a reaction. Two years ago DH has stopped him before he got to our tree, and gave him a plain one to destroy, saying we know this is hard for you to control yourself, so please get this out of your system ahead of time. Then last year, we got him a whole box of glass ornaments, when they were 75% off clearance. Because if you can’t beat 'em, join 'em.
Two years ago, at Easter he took his key and scratched his grandmother’s dining room table - just because he felt like it.
This stuff has been going on his whole life - and it didn’t end when he turned 10 or so. I can’t tell you how many glasses or plates he has broken - at my, or other sister’s house. When we think he’s turned a corner, he ups the show. We used to say they invented stainmaster carpet and fabric for terrorists like him. Who would expect think the behavior of a 5 year old would continue into his late teens - oh that’s right, we did, since sis never reprimanded him back then.
Yeah, he has destructive issues. I hold grudges, for good reason. Lots and lots of other incidents.
I understand he needs support, probably more than my sister is capable of. The problems with my sister are much easier to deal with in other settings because there are other family members around at the holidays. Nobody else will be there for this event. I can certainly hold my tongue with her for an hour or so, but since she, too likes to push buttons, the thought of sitting with her in a big crowd of people I don’t know for three hours is not appealing.
And since their last name begins with “D”, nephew will be called fairly early to graduate (they read names in alpha order). I suspect that even if Sis says she will stay for the whole event, she will find some way to bail out anyway. I think it’s rude to the rest of the kids and families, to leave before all the names are called, but thinking of other people is not something Sis does.
Thanks again to everyone who posted. This has helped me think about a lot of these issues. Despite everything, DH and I will attend.
Not sure about the gift yet.
Wow, those are really strange, destructive behaviors, @3puppies . He clearly needs professional help. To me this sounds like a problem far beyond lack of discipline as a child.
I think you ought to go, nevertheless, but I’d be prepared for him to cause some kind of a scene at the graduation. I pity the organizers and the other graduates. Likely they know they have a time bomb in their midst. Or does he reserve all of this stuff for his family?
I would go, because I want to support kids making good choices, even if it takes them a long time to get to those good choices.
He didn’t get a lot of consequences for bad behavior when he was a kid, now life is slapping him with those consequences, and it looks like he’s trying to make baby steps in the right direction. Hell yeah I’d support that! I’d also give him a small trust fund that is in retirement savings that he can’t touch until he retires as a graduation gift.
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Each Christmas, when the family gets together at my house, for most of the past several years he has made a beeline for our tree, intentionally taken a glass ornament off and dropping it on the floor - then he says “My Bad”.
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Oh my!
I take back my #52 post.
After that happened ONE TIME he would not be allowed back into my home.
What were the parents reaction to this?
I feel like there are two issues here-one, the kid wouldn’t be allowed in our house either because I am furiously tough when it comes to protecting my kids. But the second issue is supporting the kid when he does the right thing.
The whole breaking the ornaments behavior-that is a kid who will take negative attention over no attention. Somehow in his formative years he learned that he had to do bad things in order for people to pay attention to him, and now that’s how he operates. The OP’s husband was pretty ingenious to acknowledge it and say to the kid, hey, I know you need to do this, have this box of breakable ones and get your demons out on it. It shows he cared about the kid but was still protecting his own stuff.
I think it’s possible for kids like this to come out ok eventually, but they have to do a lot of suffering and achieve some introspection into the roots of their behaviors, first. The hard part is staying connected and supportive when they make good decisions while protecting yourself and your family from the bad ones.