m2ck and I agree on this … He wouldn’t be invited to my home.
He sounds like my patient’s grandson; pulling out plants, tripping her, jumping on furniture. Even the school tried to urge the parents to get him counseling. We use to talk about would he end up in juvenile detention.
Since your nephew hasn’t been jailed, and is graduating, I would support him
I’d go to show support for your nephew’s achievement. If there’s a party afterward–go and spend the least amount of time possible. It’s the right thing to do, even though it sounds like the nephew has some serious issues that make it difficult to be around him. I would keep urging your sister to get her son professional help. It doesn’t sound like he is on track to be a well-adjust young adult.
He sounds like my nephew and sister in law. He does bad things for the attention, and she’s in la la land while the other family gushes about how much she loves him and he’s so special and smart. At least your out somewhere where you’re not sitting with him or dealing directly with him or his behavior. Things like that tend to be easier for me. I’d much prefer to go watch my nephew play in a soccer game, then have him over for the afternoon.
Go, give him $100, and never use the word “pups” again.
Yes - you should go and celebrate his day. It is probably more of an accomplishment for a kid like him to graduate than it was for your kids. Troubled or not, your sister loves him and is proud, so go also to support her. It’s not a day to hash out prior issues, it’s a day to find the positive. And here’s hoping that after he graduates he can find his way a bit better.
I agree that it sounds like the only way he can get attention is by doing something bad. This graduation can be different. He will be getting attention because he did something right.
Also as far as the gift. What did your sister give your “pups” when they graduated from high school? If it was money then you should give him money too. If it was something else like clothing then give that. Don’t treat him differently.
The graduation is not in your house so you don’t have to worry about the Christmas ornaments or your mother’s table. Go.
Christmas ornaments as a gift? Ok…sorry…that was tacky.
Try to celebrate the graduation.
I say don’t go. You’ll be miserable, he doesn’t care, it doesn’t sound like your sister will care. How will going change this? At least if you don’t go you’ll have saved 3 hours of your life. Send him a gift and be done with it.
(I haven’t read any other comments yet.)
Admitting right up front that this post super triggers me. This could’ve been written by a family member of mine about me and my kids. Thankfully, though, my kids are doing great, and never had all the trouble that your nephew has, but we have allowed them to be free-spirits, and to think for themselves, and we have been judged for it. My comment is probably more directed to my family members than to you, so only take it to heart if it fits. Do them a favor, get over all of it. OMGoodness, just let people be who they want to be, who they are, and stop judging. Love them. They’re family. Especially love your nephew. He’s a kid. Learn to love these people more unconditionally if they’re not doing anything to you. If you can’t do all of this, then what is even the point of having a so-called relationship. It kills me to think of my family members not liking me and my family. Please, just go away, then, you’re not doing us any favors sitting in judgement.
Please know I mean no disrespect. As I said, it’s very personal for me. Oh, and a giftcard to Amazon, or something like that might be great.
Sometimes we need to do things we may not want to do just because it is the right thing to do. Go for support of your family. You don’t want to regret later not attending. An Amazon gift card sounds nice as he can purchase whatever he needs with it. Perhaps you could include a note with words of encouragement and blessings for the future. We all have experienced some challenges in our life some more than others. It is always nice to be reminded that we are valued and loved by others during those challenging times. We don’t know what will happen in the future. Things can turn around for the better for him. Don’t give up hope.
@sorghum, made me LOL. Best comment maybe ever on CC.
Yes, think sorghum nailed it. Too funny.
“I love my nephew and my sister, well she will always be my sister.”
There you go. Your lame nephew is graduating. Go - give him a gift card to the big and tall store and take a great picture of him with his cap and gown - and then frame it and mail it to him. Tell him he should be proud of his accomplishment and that you are family and love him (encouragement goes a long way).
If the ceremony is boring - sit in the back and read CC all morning.
Regardless of whether you attend, I would put as much distance as possible between my family and this disturbed and destructive man. Sharing a common ancestor doesn’t mean one is entitled to be abusive and obnoxious without consequences. If he gets his act together someday and asks for your help, you would be kind to offer it. Until then, for your own safety and that of your children, I would stay far away.
Water under the bridge especially since you aren’t the responsible party for raising him but little kids with no boundaries grow into big kids with no boundaries.
No consequences for bad behavior means it continues (and giving him ornaments to break instead of throwing him out is the same as no consequence–nobody would do that in my house, I don’t care who it is.). Negative attention is better than no attention at all so that’s what he goes after. People probably avoid him totally when things are quiet under the “let sleeping dogs lie” theory when in fact that’s the time to give positive attention.
Now he’s done something positive and it’s time to give positive attention.
Go and celebrate with him. Hopefully all will go well.
However, you are not held hostage to the situation nor your relatives or their behavior.
Don’t want to leave the ceremony early because you think it’s rude? Stay.
Don’t want to have dinner? Beg off. Want to eat and just leave? Leave.
He’s rude to you? Tell him to straighten up, demand some respect and then leave.
@jesse’sgirl, do your “free spirits” steal their grandmother’s credit card? Do they have DUIs? Do they deliberately destroy other people’s possessions? Do you laugh it off when they do stuff like this?
Somehow I doubt it. There’s a difference between encouraging independence and enabling destructiveness and criminal behavior.
I hope that you have at least taught them some basic table manners. I’m the only one who does that for my “free spirit” nephews.
@Consolation, no my kids don’t do those things. I thought I was clear that the situation was not exactly analogous, but did bring up feelings related to how OP seemed to be viewing her family members. Funny, the idea that other family members feel like they need to teach my kids things that I didn’t teach them, brings up those same feelings.
Maybe your differences of opinion with your family were on discretionary things, whereas the OPs seem to be on bedrock fundamentals essential to a civil society, like don’t destroy others’ Property or endanger their lives.