I put high school graduations in the same category as family weddings, funerals, Thanksgiving, Christmas, family reunions, or a bar/bat mitzvah(if you’re Jewish). They’re events you go to even if you don’t like everyone there or think they’ve been raised improperly or made bad life decisions. So I would say go. Your sister came to your kids’ high school graduation, so you can show her the same respect she showed you, by coming to her kids’ graduation.
I have a unique perspective in a way. My sister also has very different rules for her boys. They smoke (420), have sex openly with their girlfriends and drink, all while in high school. They both even had boob cakes when they turned 18- at a party that my mom & dad were at, as well as my daughter and I.
I was with the boys often when they were elementary age and younger. I was the stay at home mom that did all the pick up’s and school activities. As they grew older the differences in parenting caused me to step back.
I did attend my older nephew’s graduation and the party after for about an hour. Both boys knew rules at my house were different. My sister, her husband and the boys all have motorcycles, ATV’s and big trucks. My daughter (17) still won’t drive.
I voiced my opinion and it caused a wedge between my sister & I. My older nephew would occasionally come by to visit. Plan to get in to community college and usually complain about his mom or brother.
On July 26th this past Summer, on that motorcycle I hated & bitched about, he died. Hopefully instantly, definitely before he got to the hospital.
I am glad I went to his graduation, I am glad for every moment I spend, the good the bad and the ugly. I am glad I told my sister before the accident I hated that bike. I thought he was too young and he thought he was invincible. I would never tell her now.
I say go. Please go. Don’t give up who you are, but make sure he knows even though you have differences that you love him no matter what. That is one of the only things I hold on to. He knew I loved him and I would show up for anythng.
@roycroftmom, yes, I would think so, but of course what people view as discretionary varies, and therein lies the problem. I’d hope everyone agrees that stealing and destruction of anothers property is a fundamental, but others might add table manners to the list.
You are right that some might add table manners to the fundamental list of priorities, just as you appear to have prioritized a common DNA sequence as an overriding value. Others may disagree of course. If you choose to spend time with those of different values and priorities, some friction is inevitable.
@roycroftmom, you said, “…just as you appear to have prioritized a common DNA sequence as an overriding value.” I haven’t. I was only saying - and again for my situation - that it’s best to have a more unconditional acceptance of our family members if we’re going to be in relationship with them.
All I can say is that if you have not taught your children basic table manners and basic manners and perhaps most importantly the rationale behind them, then you have done them a great disservice.
The goal is to enable your children to move comfortably and seamlessly amongst all kinds of society, without drawing untoward attention to themselves or making themselves or anyone else uncomfortable.
This conversation has devolved, with faulty assumptions being made, and it has become too laborious, probably for all of us, to dig out from them. I never said I didn’t teach my kids table manners. Anyway…
There’s “free spirit” and there’s “out of control spirit”. Big difference.
One of my kids is more of a “free spirit” than the other. Indepedent thinking, maverick, but well-mannered. It’s a lot of work raising a child this this because if not guided they would grow up to be out of control. This child was an absolute horror between the ages of 2-5…horror. I loved him, but there were days that I really didn’t like him. He was exhausting…he was the child that, several times, I had to quickly carry out of Target, screaming that he wanted some toy. Lol…he was, all by himself, a full time job. When he was about 4 years old, he thought matches were fascinating and wanted to light some (omg). Telling him they were “hot” and dangerous didn’t convince him. I took him outside, sat him on our steps, lit a match, blew it out, and set it down. I knew what he would do…and he did…he picked it up by the hot end. Ouch!!! There went his fascination with matches. But he’s also the kid who, at age 4, behind my back, near-perfectly changed my newborn niece’s very dirty diaper, because he wanted to “help mommy and clean Taylor.” He may have used 100 baby wipes, but she was clean and the diaper was well-on (albeit backwards). He’s also the kid who was fascinated by 409 and wanted to clean everything, including washing a $100 bill my husband left on the kitchen counter. “Sweetie, Where is that special dollar?” “Oh, it’s in the bathroom; I washed it!” At age 3, he also asked Santa for a DustBuster and when he opened that gift, you would have thought he had received the toy of the year.
Kids like this need to be kept busy. Tinker toys, erector sets, legos…if their minds are of that nature. Paints, colored paper, washable markers if they’re right brained. Sports, karate, music, etc. Keep them busy with things that are safe but allow their minds to explore and create…while still being supervised, even if from a distance.
JMO, because of what I’ve observed with H’s siblings who’ve raised a few out of control spirited children is that the parents wanted the easy way out. They pride themselves that they didn’t teach their kids table manners or really any manners. They preferred to sit and chat with adults or do hobbies rather than give their kids the attention and guidance they needed. They wanted the easy way out. It’s just plain easier to NOT teach them manners, to NOT teach them how to speak and behave with others, and to not supervise them. It’s easier not having to think about “how do I rein this kid in without stifling him,” and it’s just easier to laugh at their antics (no guilt that way).
Yes, as a parent who raised two “thinking outside the box” kids, I agree with you @mom2collegekids. It is challenging but can be very rewarding to raise such kids. If they aren’t given adequate supervision, limits and boundaries as well as good outlets, mischief and worse ensues.
No one can really know all the reasons one kid turns out one way while another turns out another. I hope OP’s nephew will find his way, for his sake and future happiness. I hope OP and he and her sister will have a relationship that works for them.
If you read the description of the nephew’s behavior, it sounds like he has very real mental health issues. It is challenging to parent such a child and it sounds like SIL pretty much checked out on the challenge and could have done a much better job (and benefited from some professional support as well.) All I am saying is that this kid sounds like he needed more than just good parenting, and he didn’t get either. And we’re talking about what to do for one afternoon…
Go. If any doubt read @SFLmom post 81 over and over until you get it. Go.
Yes.
Seems like the OP has left the building. She did say that she and her husband were going to attend.
No, I haven’t left the building. I appreciate all of the kind thoughts here. @SFLmom , I am so sorry for what you’ve gone through post #81. I think to some extent, this is part of what I fear - and I think my sister’s head-in-the-sand approach - both over the years and up to the present, has been terribly frustrating to witness.
At this point, for my nephew, whether there is a nature vs. nurture cause to his issues doesn’t really matter. What will matter is how we show our support for him.
I am very much still interested in suggestions for a graduation present - and in particular if anyone has any thoughts as to how to approach his grandmother with an alternate suggestion other than cash. I’d really hate to see it go up in smoke.
@3puppies, was your nephew close to his grandfather? Maybe grandma can gift him some sentimental thing that was grandpa’s…keyring, watch, war medal framed, framed photo with grandparents …along with a savings bond.
I suggest a gas card if he drives. It is what I used for my nephews. Also another fun gift could be stock - if he likes gaming -a gaming stock. We often did Disney, McDonald’s, Coca Cola, something that they enjoy.
We thought of a gas card but he won’t be eligible to get his license reinstated until he turns 21 next January, so it might not be an appropriate gift for HS graduation in June.
Unless she tells you differently, give him the same or comparable gift that she gave your “pups” on graduation. If you are uncertain, ask HER for suggestions. If she doesn’t want him to have cash, fine. If she is okay with cash, fine. Although you are very well-meaning, I’m sure, you are trying to exert an impossible level of control. You are stressing yourself out for no very good reason. In my opinion.
If one of my sisters left after her child’s name, I would just sit tight till the end. (Unless leaving is some quirky geographical norm) As others have pointed out, all any of us can control is our own actions.
I would definitely not engage with her in a discussion of so-called slutty dresses and would do my very best to shut it down so as not to take a chance on offending others in the audience. jmho.
Count your blessings … let this go
“I am very much still interested in suggestions for a graduation present - and in particular if anyone has any thoughts as to how to approach his grandmother with an alternate suggestion other than cash. I’d really hate to see it go up in smoke.”
I would suggest the Amazon gift card. You can explain that he can buy anything with it and put it on his account right away so that there is no danger that it gets lost or stolen. It will just be there for him to buy things with and they’ll be shipped free right to his door.
I agree that it would be good for you to give same/similar gifts your kids received.
A gaming stock that has done well over the past few years is Blizzard, tho no knowledge of how it will do going forward.