<p>Agreed. In addition, if word gets out that this is your attitude and your son becomes/is known for acquiescing to your wishes, he’s going to have problems with healthy adult relationships and being taken seriously as a mature independent adult. </p>
<p>Most women I know tend to avoid “Mama’s boys” like the plague due to their perceived immaturity, inability to prioritize relationships, lack of spine, and the desire to avoid being placed in an unenviable position of playing second fiddle to the mother of their SO. </p>
<p>They’d also tend to lose much respect from male friends/acquaintances because of the first and last reasons.</p>
<p>Sorry, but in my mind there’s a difference between this being the son’s decision- with gf joining the celebration and maybe one day becoming DIL- versus asking the parents to drive 9 hours with her in the car and presumably spend every moment together. </p>
<p>That part is not exclusively the son’s call. Perhaps son can arrange for gf to fly up, you meet her at the airport or whatever. Or, if you are flying, she comes the next day. At 22, she should be able to occupy herself for a few hours, maybe have lunch on her own while you take him out. </p>
<p>Some may think that’s harsh and disrespectful, but disrespect works both ways. I was the gf (not fiancee) in a similar situation. Before the relationship was cemented, I never would have asked the family to endure me for 9 hours in car jail and at each and every event in a special weekend. Married to him 30+ years and had a super rel with MIL. He and his mom were close- which led to one of his great assets- he’s a very nice guy.</p>
<p>Perhaps gf and even son might be thinking: We were really hoping to make this an “us” occasion, celebrating how much son has accomplished with gf’s loving support. It would only be right to include his parents, though, of course. </p>
<p>Fast forward 5 years. Gf, now DIL, is thinking “This first birthday party for OUR son is really a family milestone, not about my inlaws. Who wants them in 90% of the photos?” Then she remembers how you guys (her inlaws) have always graciously included her and made her feel welcome.
You are then included in your grandson’s first birthday celebration and hopefully his graduation one day!</p>
<p>Your child has been an adult for five years.
Whether you are the kind of person who views welcoming your adult children’s friends and family as enlargening the circle of love and friendship, or if you have so little in your life that seems like a threat is up to you. But I would think about your actions and effects they have down the road.
Short term gain now, to lose later is the path you seem to be on.</p>
<p>OP - I understand how you feel, but I agree with the majority on the thread that she should be included and it would be gracious of you to offer to take her with you. My kids are younger than your S, but looking ahead, I hope for them to have loving and supportive significant others to share a special event. I would embrace the GF. Your S is an adult and has chosen to spend this part of (and possibly the rest of) his life with her. My MIL is still possessive of her “perfect” S (he’s 50+ and imperfect like the rest of us!) and her attitude has only hurt her. I am courteous and inclusive, but it is not a warm loving MIL/DIL situation as I would have preferred. Congrats to your S on his graduation and I hope you all have a lovely time!</p>
<p>My son had been dating the same girl for 2 years when the time came for MY dad’s 90th birthday party … a big fancy event across the country. Not only did I invite my son’s GF to attend this event, I paid for her plane ticket, her party clothes, and all of her expenses for a 2 week trip to California…and I did so gladly. </p>
<p>They dated another 2 years after that and recently broke up. Yes, she’s in a LOT of family photos (and the B-day party photos), but so what? If the possibility of breaking up is what should keep people out of events/photos, then many married people’s spouses should be excluded as welll since so many marriages break up. Who doesn’t have some family photos with someone’s ex-spouse in the pics???</p>
<p>You should never want to slight someone who might become a future DIL…that’s playing with fire. As many would tell you, it’s the “mom” who often decides/controls how often her in-laws get to see and spend time with the grandkids (and their son!). Annoy your DIL too much, and you’ll pay with less grandkid-time. That’s not a consequence that I wouldn’t ever want to face. </p>
<p>My kids tease me that I’m their GFs’ biggest fan. That’s fine. I’d rather that these girls know that they are special to me and I’m grateful for how nice they are to my kids and my family. Even after a break-up, I don’t consider them out of our lives…afterall, couples do sometimes get back together later (after growing up a bit more), marry, and have long lives together.</p>
<p>“Have the feelings if you want…but keep them to yourself”</p>
<p>Keep them to yourself around S and GF, yes. But it might be easier to do that if you have a therapist or an old friend you can talk to about these feelings. All of us have selfish, jealous, or otherwise unsavory feelings sometimes. It’s just human nature.</p>
<p>SteveMa, this is exactly what immediately came to mind for me. It’s pretty surprising after a two year relationship that a mom would feel this way. </p>
<p>To the OP:</p>
<p>This should be up to the grad and his g/f as to whether or not she attends. Whether you want to acknowledge it or not, a two year girlfriend is a more important part of your son’s life than you are. That’s the natural progression of things with young adults. If you don’t acknowledge that, and embrace the girlfriend, you are likely to affect your future relationship with both her and with your son. I’m sure you don’t want to do that.</p>
<p>My kids tease me that I’m their GFs’ biggest fan. That’s fine. I’d rather that these girls know that they are special to me and I’m grateful for how nice they are to my kids and my family. Even after a break-up, I don’t consider them out of our lives…afterall, couples do sometimes get back together later (after growing up a bit more), marry, and have long lives together.</p>
<p>Very mature attitude to take.
My inlaws have never made me feel part of their family. I met H when he was 21 & I was 18, & he had just broken up with a long time girlfriend. I was not invited to either of his sisters weddings, ( which occurred shortly before we married ourselves 31 yrs ago). They have now both been divorced for some time, despite his families support, and our marriage is good despite the lack of it. I don’t know if their feelings towards me have softened, we don’t see them enough to tell.</p>
<p>A contrast between how my oldests BF family treats her. They live more than 2000 miles away, but have been paying for the two to visit them several times a year for several years, ( until recently they were both in grad school). Which I think is great, especially since I think it is unlikely that they will relocate to that part of the country. ;)</p>
<p>My D has been dating her boyfriend for almost four years. Nice enough guy but I absolutely don’t consider him part of the family. Why would I when he’s not and may never be?</p>
<p>OP, I understand exactly where you are coming from. I just know that there is an evil girl plotting to steal my precious baby someday. I would not want to share a car with her or have her present at my special day with my boy. I would carry on and complain to my husband loudly and often. And then I would invite her along, hoping she wouldn’t come, and then make the best of it if she did.</p>
<p>OP - I have to agree with everyone else. Invite the girlfriend to come, and use the opportunity to get to know the girlfriend better. (You did say she was “nice enough,” a statement that has a disturbing undercurrent to it.) She is obviously important to your son, and as such, there is no downside to becoming friendlier with her.</p>
<p>My D has had several serious relationships, and I always enjoyed getting to know those young men. Yes, there were some times when part of me wished I could have her all to myself, but there are greater benefits to meeting and becoming better acquainted with that “significant other.”</p>
What? That I had wished that we would be celebrating as a family, but it was his graduation and if it was important to HIM that his gf be there I understood? Adults talk to each other, at least in my family they do. Openly, honestly, and then we move on. I’m not saying that’s how I’D feel, but it IS how the OP feels. The OP has stated what SHE wants, what the GF wants, but no mention of what the SON wants. Mom is allowed to politely talk to her son, without talking about stealing attention or being too young (neither are helpful or true), and see what HE wants. That’s all I suggested. </p>
<p>I tend to be like M2CK and ‘bond’ with my boys gf’s (way earlier then they would like). Having all boys, I enjoy having girls around the house. When they’ve had gf’s at college we always ask them to dinner when we visit. I can’t see my boys having a 2yr gf that I didn’t know well enough to even question bringing. I can’t however place that on how someone else feels. People are different.</p>
<p>I predict that in a few years, WHOEVER marries the poor young man will be writing to Dear Abby, or Prudence or Amy begging for help with her impossible mother-in-law who seems to resent her for no good reason. Of COURSE you should offer to take the girl! </p>
<p>As others have said, 23 isn’t that young, they are adults entitled to live their lives, and it’s actually not all about you. Kids grow up. They leave home. They make decisions we may not agree with. They may marry and they certainly have lives of their own. What we can do as parents is smile and be gracious and support them no matter what. We don’t whine that others are “stealing” them.</p>
<p>Hmmm reading this thread, I guess I’m very lucky. Neither of my potential MILs have particularly approved of me at first (I have a tendency to date people with very conservative and religious parents and I am neither) but both treated me like family from the getgo. </p>
<p>Also, like others have said, she likely is more family to him that you are now.</p>
<p>Yes, adults should talk honestly, but I think sometimes being an adult is also understanding that some of your feelings are selfish and hurtful and perhaps should not be expressed. Hypothetically, if my mom were to get divorced and later meet and fall in love with a man who I couldn’t warm up to because he wasn’t my dad, I wouldn’t talk to her about wanting to exclude him from family events, just because that’s how I may feel. If it’s unreasonable and selfish, why would you want to put that burden on someone else by making them worry about your feelings? </p>
<p>Yes, if my parents felt that part of celebrating as a ‘family’ meant not inviting a long-time significant other and did not recognize that this person IS part of my family (who also probably contributed as much if not more emotional support, thereby helping me achieve my goals and graduate), I would think long and hard about inviting them again.</p>
<p>“Also, like others have said, she likely is more family to him that you are now.” ← THIS</p>
<p>I have to disagree with both of these statements. I think this is where a lot of mom’s get into troubled thinking. It is NOT a contest! The love a son has for his mother and the love he has for his mate are two totally different things. Love is an infinite thing you don’t run out of. When a man falls deeply in love with his mate that in no way lessen’s the importance and love he has for his mother. It only becomes a problem when someone (the mate or mother) starts with the imaginary measuring stick. The one who pulls it out is sure to loose.</p>
<p>When a man grows up, he becomes independent of his mother. That does not mean he loves her any less or she is any less ‘family’ to him. As this often coincides with a mate entering the picture I think people confuse it with “the mate is more important now”. No, a mate holds a different place in his life that a mother was never intended to fill. If the relationships are healthy, they are both important, independent, and don’t compete.</p>