<p>We’ve always treated our children’s significant others as if they were members of the family, and that policy has turned out really, really well.</p>
<p>blueiguana-I would hope that when our sons get married that they very much put their wives in front of their mother. That does not mean that they don’t love their mom but their wife should take priority over mom (me). Now, that doesn’t mean that we don’t ever want to see our boys again and that we expect them to still be a part of our extended family and attend holidays, etc. but if push came to shove, their wife should take priority. Our oldest has his first REALLY serious girlfriend and even though they have only been dating a short time, we treat her like she is a member of the family because she just might be some day.</p>
<p>No child should have to chose between a parent (or two) and a significant other. I agree with blueiguana that the two are are different. As our children grow up, it is natural and healthy to separate and for them to become emotionally attached to others. Our role changes and diminishes is some ways, but evolves and improves in others. I love being friends with my mom now and seeing her as a wonderful grandmother. I wish my MIL could have read this thread 20 years ago!
I think this thread is as much about letting go of an increasingly independent adult child as it is about the gf at graduation. Hugs to OP; I totally understand how you feel. Best wishes. The gf may turn out to be a real blessing to you all. Choose to like and appreciate her; it is better for all of you.</p>
<p>Seems like respecting son as an adult is long overdue. If son and girlfriend think she should be there she should be there and it would be to your credit to include her and treat her like family. If you persist in trying to keep him all to yourself your son will have no choice but to stay far, far away from you to establish a happy life for himself.</p>
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I guess it’s all in the way you look at it. If you are looking for a contest, then yes a mate may come before a mother. I think that is an awful way to look at adult relationships and leads to the feeling of loss and potential resentment. I feel the relationships are not in competition, totally separate, and decisions a man makes with his mate does not involve butting his mother out of the way… A grown man already had mom ‘out of the way’ in a mature adult relationship, much different then the one they had growing up, but no less important and with no less love.</p>
<p>I don’t see it as a contest at all, just the way things are…and should be.</p>
<p>Exactly, it’s not about it being a contest - it’s just reality. In life, you have to prioritize, and everyone cannot be prioritized equally. Someone has to be the top priority, and the husband/wife, significant other take that place.</p>
<p>“At 22, she should be able to occupy herself for a few hours, maybe have lunch on her own while you take him out.”</p>
<p>Hey, not meaning to hijack the thread or anything … but maybe this relates. My parents would like to take me out to dinner for an upcoming birthday. But there are two problems. First they don’t want my wife to come, and second they have an incontinent dog that needs to be watched constantly. Do you think it would be appropriate to leave my wife at my parents house to watch the mutt while my parents and I party away?</p>
<p>OP, if your son has been 9 hours away at grad school, how often has he been able to see/spend time with this girlfriend? He is probably just as eager to see her as he is to see you, if not more! And, I wonder just what constitutes “family time”? You will be having time together as a family. The fact that someone from outside the family, but still close to your son is there doesn’t diminish that. Did your son invite you to his graduation, or did you say “we’re coming”? Same with the girlfriend? At least he isn’t skipping the ceremonial stuff and just coming home instead. You are going to attend HIS event; I would think he can have anyone there he would like to have. Be prepared for friends, etc, to also be part of the celebration when you get there.</p>
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<p>That would leave you in the doghouse.</p>
<p>Gbg – Yes, you should take your son’s other favorite person to his graduation.</p>
<p>That behavioral jealousy and exclusive protectiveness of the “Animal Mother” is normal, though. In comparison, at times I get some violent urges towards strangers when I see unfamiliar men striking up a conversation with my wife at the supermarket. You must “contain the animal within”.</p>
<p>Excellent post by the ■■■■■ OP. Just enough details to be believable, controversial enough to generate 4 pages of replies in just a few hours. And all from someone who joined CC today! Bravo!</p>
<p>Mothers and wives don’t have to be in competition, and shouldn’t be, but sometimes they forget that (both of them). In my case, that happened shortly after our first child was born, and – in one of the most difficult conversations I have ever had in my life – I had to tell my mother, in no uncertain terms, that if she chose to disagree with my wife she was going to lose, without regard to who was right or wrong. It was very traumatic for both of us. She probably never forgave me, but I would do it again. My mother and I were very close, and remained so until she died last year.</p>
<p>Dealing with serious girl/boyfriends is such a delicate thing. People get it wrong all the time, and luckily that usually doesn’t matter much. The first few times my parents met my wife they didn’t even dream that it was the beginning of a relationship that would last the rest of their lives, even though they knew I had been nuts about her for years. And the same was true for her parents and me. But it’s just as bad to be overly intimate with someone who could be gone in a month, leaving behind a bunch of family pictures you wish she or he wasn’t in.</p>
<p>For the OP, I vote for being gracious to the girlfriend now. (And anyway, trust me, after spending 18 hours in a car with you, and lots of joint activities with your family in the middle, if she doesn’t break up with your son it will be because the relationship is strong and important to both of them.) If you want to have some sort of special family time scheduled with your son, then do that, but don’t hijack an occasion that’s important to HIM and his girlfriend.</p>
<p>“Excellent post by the ■■■■■ OP. Just enough details to be believable, controversial enough to generate 4 pages of replies in just a few hours. And all from someone who joined CC today! Bravo!”</p>
<p>Credit the Parent’s Forum Moderator. Getting higher-quality trolls has been at the top of his priority list for some time. Nice to see the initiative getting some traction.</p>
<p>I didn’t read it as a ■■■■■ post – more like someone trying to talk him/herself out of doing something that they already knew was not the greatest idea despite self-serving motives. A sort of “I’m I behaving in a totally irrational way by acting in this totally irrational way, or perhaps I can somehow get away with it by means of some unheard of standard of practice that might arise if I present my irrational mindset.”</p>
<p>*“At 22, she should be able to occupy herself for a few hours, maybe have lunch on her own while you take him out.”</p>
<p>================</p>
<p>I’d like to hear the conversation in which this is suggested to the girlfriend.
*</p>
<p>I also can’t imagine how anyone with sensitivity and good manners could ever bring this up. </p>
<p>I think that if I were a 22 year old in a 2 year relationship, and HIS parents essentially told me to “occupy myself for a couple of hours”, while they took their son out to lunch, I would spend the next 2 hours crying over the fact that I had just learned that my BF is an insensitive idiot or weakling for going, and that his parents are cold-hearted for asking. </p>
<p>Typically, when people (friends/relatives/etc) travel to attend a graduation, EVERYONE attends the lunch/dinner/whatever that is planned. If the parents want a “parent/son only” lunch, then do that once everyone is home, and the girlfriend is busy doing something else.</p>
<p>Oh, c’mon. Posters are using hostage mentality- oooh, maybe you won’t see the grandkids or she’ll forget to invite you to things. Or playing up the son’s right to choose. Hey, if he’s an independent 23 y.o., let him make the arrangements for his gf. That’s both respectful and empowering.</p>
<p>As BI notes, no one know what the son wants. We don’t even know if she’s living near him or with him. We don’t know if he ever hinted to Mom and Dad that she’s “the one” or how deeply he cares for her- only that it’s two years. And that it’s 9 hours distant.</p>
<p>As for lunch, why assume the mom should be so insensitive as to tell gf not to come to lunch? Is that the only way, among 4 “adults,” that this could occur? Why does this mom have to be seen as a self-centered bull in a china shop? </p>
<p>I love both of my kids’ significant others (one lives afar, so visits and stays here.) Both may become in-laws and both DH and I are happy with that possibility. I routinely include them in all sorts of family affairs and they reciprocate by helping out, communicating with me, running an errand together, whatever. Ie, we have a relationship that’s building.</p>
<p>BUT, I also have a relationship with my kids- strong enough to say, on occasion, “We’d like a few hours with you, can we run that errand by ourselves?” A great gf/potential DIL, will have that respect, should be able to anticipate others’ potential needs. Is she doesn’t, THAT’s where your run the risk of future problems. This is about balance and mutual respect.</p>
<p>Son is old enough to make his own arrangements for her, in line with his wishes, their relationship- and love/respect for his parents and their support through grad school. He should be the sensitive pivot here.</p>
<p>I think the advice above for the OP is excellent.</p>
<p>What advice would you give to the GF?</p>
<p>Mine: flee!</p>
<p>Advice to GF: think about that long ride in the car trapped with parental unknown.</p>
<p>^ Really? You’d tell your daughter to leave a relationship if the family didn’t include her in everything? Remember, this couple is not engaged or married. </p>
<p>I tell my girls, (esp the one who travels to visit the s.o. and stays at the family home,) to understand their may be moments when one of the parents needs/wants alone-time with his/her child; to be able to stand back and show loving respect for that bond. That, in the long run, that will better further your expanded family relationships than focusing on your own expectations.</p>
<p>There were many times when I let DH focus on his relationship with his mom. I knew he was coming home to me.</p>