<p>looking forward: “that is about balance and mutual respect”
But there is a real imbalance in a new relationship especially between someone else’s parents and the newcomer. Parents are the one who need to tip the scales to make acceptance. It really is up to parents to make that move. Even if she’s not “the one” it shows the son what to expect from his parents in the future.
This is not life or death decisions here–it’s having an extra person to celebrate joy in the life of someone you love.</p>
<p>Lookingforward gives excellent advise. Many, many moons ago when on occasion DH and I (then engaged) would travel to out of town family functions there were plenty of times he’d get up early to grab coffee with his Dad at a local shoppe. I take forever to get ready so by the time I was ready to walk out the door he was back with a cup of coffee for me. In the evening, again he dresses much quicker then me, it wasn’t uncommon for him to meet his mom for a glass of wine. That 30-45min he spent privately with her was special to both of them. I was busy and glad he got time with his parents who he’s very close to. I’m not suggesting the gf be excluded from any major plans, but as lookingfoward suggests, there are ways to have a bit of time.</p>
<p>I don’t see the big deal traveling with the parents. It’s just a car ride. You’re not forced to interact. I’ve traveled long distances with my bf’s family and vice versa, yes even alone. </p>
<p>Also who cares if they’re not married or engaged? 2 years is a pretty significant amount of time and my generation doesn’t put as big of an emphasis on marriage as previous generations. This is a generality.</p>
<p>All of what lookingforward says is true and wise . . . but not in the context of a single special-event weekend where everyone is far from home. Then, you include everybody in everything, at least between 9:00 am and 9:00 pm. (And in the other 12 hours, it’s not the girlfriend who gets excluded. Sorry.) No one eats lunch alone.</p>
<p>Roman: but be sure to have a good time! Or it’s a REALLY long car ride back home!</p>
<p>Oh this thread is too funny!</p>
<p>Op How much did you actually support your S?? You make it sound as if this is your accomplishment as well!</p>
<p>I remember when I received my graduate degree. My poor dad had a heart attack, was in a cardiac ICU and, of course, couldn’t make the ceremony. My BF - now H - insisted that I attend, as did my dad. Then BF took me, bought me flowers, and right after the ceremony brought me to the hospital so dad could see my diploma. </p>
<p>I guess YMMV… :)</p>
<p>“Oh this thread is too funny!”</p>
<p>My thought exactly!</p>
<p>Here is what I would do…</p>
<p>Son, gf wants to ride with us to graduation. We are happy to accommodate, but we want to be sure this is fine with you. We don’t want to assume anything about your relationship and say yes before checking with you. So, let us know how you would like us to do.</p>
<p>“Then BF … bought me flowers, and right after the ceremony brought me to the hospital so dad could see my diploma.”</p>
<p>You didn’t make the BF wait in the car down in the parking lot, did you?</p>
<p>Lol gouf. Fair enough.</p>
<p>Woody–true love! Sounds like a keeper for sure (and I’m sure your dad thought so too!)</p>
<p>I’m reading this and reminded of how wonderful my H’s community sees these things: everyone even remotely attached to anyone in the extended family is invited. I’ve been to the wedding of a family friend who’s best friends with my SIL, more holiday dinners than I can count at the homes of the future or current in-laws of the SO’s of extended family members, baptisms of friends of relatives, birthdays of cousins of friends-people I don’t even know! I was at H’s niece’s HS graduation and I hadn’t even met most of the family yet (before we were married). </p>
<p>While I don’t suggest everyone do it this way, it’s sure nice knowing I have a huge community of “family” that extends far beyond blood relation. And my two older kids have never been considered “step”-they are family too, just as any future SO they might have will be. I hope I will be as gracious if they DO settle down with someone someday.</p>
<p>We have brought my daughter’s bf with us over seas for a two week trip (we love this guy!..they have dated 3 yrs)…We have brought my son’s gf of four years with us on a week trip which was only two hours away and she was staying half the time…and we have gone on trips where it was just our immediate family for a week bc we needed that time as a family…do what you feel in your gut…that is the only way it will go well … but remember you must come to terms with the reality that this girl may be the ONE and get over the “losing him” feeling bc after all…it will eventually happen where he will be completely on his own and financially independent…and if you like her…whether you take her with you or not, you won</p>
<p>OP - Just looking ahead a bit, remember it’s YOUR JOB to badger your S into seating his family near the Head Table at the Reception … and to suggest that the bride’s family be seated toward the rear of the Hall. Less chance for interfamilial friction that way.</p>
<p>I only used lunch as an example. It could be any breather moment, as BI notes.</p>
<p>Gouf, I see your point. But nine hours?! I can’t imagine that ride being the place to bond. Maybe they all find they’re totally in sync. Or maybe each pitstop (or delay,) whether windows are open or closed, being forced to endure small talk, yikes. If it were me, I’d hope I could get there a day ahead, then pick up gf at the airport the next day and take it from there.</p>
<p>There’s a reason they call it car jail.</p>
<p>Romani, you know your bf’s parents pretty well by now, yes? Before the first long trip?</p>
<p>Actually only the second time I met them, I spent four hours in the car with them by myself going across the state. Yes I know them well because they’ve treated me like family from the day they met me. </p>
<p>I’m used to really long car rides so I guess I don’t see any car rides as jail.</p>
<p>I was pretty sure this was how the majority of opinions would go, I really just wanted to check to confirm my crazy. Apologies - some clarifications: son asked if she can ride with us…girlfriend WAS planning on going out herself. They met at school but she lives about a half an hour from our home. She moved back into her parents house to save money while she started a good job back here. I assume that they’re serious…he’s been on several trips with her family bothe for vacation and family events, and I suspect another reason she is living at home is to wai and see where he will end up. I’m not naive, I know that 23 year olds have serious relationships; DH and I were married at their ages. Although its mostly been wonderful, there have definitely been some rough patches, and I would hate to see him suffer the same way for becoming too serious too young.</p>
<p>Hey! 8 hours at work plus happy hour afterwards! It may be horrible (who knows) or the greatest thing since sliced bread. All I know is that you and H will have plenty to talk about afterwards! If it’s fabulous then it’s a great experience, if not, you’ll have plenty of stories.
as an edit: She was going alone? What a keeper! She was saving money? What a keeper! Good job? What a keeper! they’re still together? even after family vacations?..why are you posting? LOL</p>
<p>Whoops I accidentally posted and it won’t let me edit - I’m going to talk to DS tonight more about it, it just caught me off gird when he asked because I hadn’t even considered that he would be joining us let alone riding with us.</p>
<p>Thank you for all of your wonderful advice, truly.</p>
<p>Based on the fact that this is what your son wants I think it’s absolutely in your best interest to do so. Hard as it might be. Hopefully the time spent will allow you to get to know her better and create a warmer relationship with her. It’s also very important as her family has obviously included your son in family activities. This is not a ‘casual relationship’. If you are really having trouble with the idea it might be something to discuss with a therapist. I mean no disrespect, but it may be a trigger of a transition of your role in your sons life. Talking with someone about that could give you a safe place to air your feelings while gaining some perspective on a healthy way to move forward and enjoy the graduation. Best of luck.</p>