Should we take son's girlfriend with us to his graduation?

Parents Forum
81

<p>*son asked if she can ride with us…girlfriend WAS planning on going out herself. They met at school but she lives about a half an hour from our home. She moved back into her parents house to save money while she started a good job back here. I assume that they’re serious…
*</p>

<p>Then there really isn’t a question. She’s going to be there WITH your son whether you drive her there or not. </p>

<p>I like the post about from 9am - 9pm, then all who travel to the event need to be included/invited to various events/meals. During the other 12 hours, it’s likely the parents that will be excluded in most/all activities. ;)</p>

<p>*
I was really looking forward to celebrating the weekend as a family and how much we have helped him accomplish. The girlfriend is nice enough, I just feel like they’re too serious for how young they are and I almost feel like she is stealing him from us…I know that sounds selfish, but it’s hard to put out of my mind.*</p>

<p>*he’s [Son has] been on several trips with her family both for vacation and family events, *</p>

<p>Gee, you mean that HER family doesn’t worry that his being at their events is “stealing her” or an intrusion on “family celebrations”??? </p>

<p>They sound like well-grounded family…maybe could even be role-models. </p>

<p>*
I’m not naive, I know that 23 year olds have serious relationships; DH and I were married at their ages. Although its mostly been wonderful, there have definitely been some rough patches, and I would hate to see him suffer the same way for becoming too serious too young.*</p>

<p>If they were undergrads, you might have a point that they’re “too young”, but they’re out of college and your son is out of grad school. </p>

<p>Even couples who marry older have issues and “rough patches”…there are no “problem-free” marriages. The fact that they both can be gainfully employed is one big hurdle (money issues) that trouble many/most marriages.</p>

82

<p>OP, congratulations to you for raising a son who has earned his advanced degree, and who obviously has the brains to choose a GF with a good job, who saves money and who cares enough about him to travel to the ceremony. You scored --it sounds like they both have their heads on straight.</p>

83

<p>OK, I take back my advice to the GF to flee. I might still suggest “beware,” though–but that’s probably always good advice with respect to potential future in=laws.</p>

84

<p>The “first ride” with my soon-to-be DIL was from Chicago to Boston, with a detour to Niagara Falls, with all of S1’s and GF’s belongings – leaving Chicago Sat. at 6 pm after graduation ceremonies and move-out were completed, and with a hard deadline of being in Boston by Sunday night (S1 and GF had jobs starting Monday, and DH had a flight overseas at 9 am Monday). We had a blast. S1 had not yet proposed, but had told us earlier in the weekend he planned to do so.</p>

<p>They pumped our brains for advice on finances, health insurance, shared family histories (the good, the bad and the ugly) and we really bonded. If that ride didn’t scare her away, I figured she was good for the long haul. :)</p>

<p>He went overseas for her graduation, and while the school didn’t allow more than two tickets, her parents included him in everything else.</p>

85

<p>It is always ugly when our family do road trips, so I really wouldn’t subject anyone to it. I would pay for the GF’s flight before I would have her drive that many hours with us. We actualy drove from NY to Detroit once without speaking to each other for fear of killing someone. We only did it because our flight was cancelled.</p>

86

<p>I couldn’t travel with both DH and my best friend (she was a friend of his before we started dating.) It would be 98 Bottles of Beer until I screamed. (That would be at about #97.)</p>

<p>Sounds like all this will work out however it’s meant to. Have fun. Hope you love her.</p>

87

<p>I totally understand what you’re going through, I would be conflicted too. The main thing is, I don’t know many people I would want to spend NINE HOURS in the car with. Perhaps only those people who I have raised or married, nobody else. It would be torture for me to do that with my in-laws, and my husband to do that with my parents. Painful, painful. And we all love each other. You were planning a nice family vacation, and now you have to include someone that you aren’t sure that you wanted to. That is a big favor for your son to ask, if he is not going to be in the car. I personally would find a way out of it, decide you will fly. Decide you are going that direction a week early, make it unworkable. Don’t be rude, just find another way.</p>

<p>And definitely be nice and considerate as possible to her at the graduation. You are going to have to share your son with her, but two days of driving in a car…no way.</p>

88

<p>Nine hrs does sound like a little much, is there some reason you can’t fly?</p>

<p>We used to take annual trips that was seven or so hrs in the car, but no regular airport nearby.</p>

89

<p>The OP stated that the gf moved home to save money. It’s a good bet that her son asked for the gf to make the trip with them because the cost of flying would be prohibitive for the gf. If the OP and her DH suddenly decide to fly, making a ride unavailable to the gf, they can be sure this will cause frosty relations with their son.</p>

90

<p>While she did move home to save money, she also has a good job. Spending money on a flight to spend time with a sig other doesn’t sound frivolous, and with gas being super expensive, how much are you really saving by driving?</p>

91

<p>I’m just saying from the son’s POV his parents were driving, thus there was a free ride if they agreed to allow gf to ride along. By changing travel plans to flying once he makes the request for the gf to ride along, the ride is no longer available adding a cost to gf’s trip that wouldn’t have been there. It comes off as passive aggressive.</p>

92

<p>Again, we don’t know.
I wouldn’t say passive agressive if they parents had a legit reason.
And, it could be one of those $89 flights.</p>

93

<p>If they suddenly make plans to fly after being asked to drive the gf…that’s suspect and won’t be appreciated. If they find an $89 flight it would be gracious to offer to pay for the gf’s flight as their son has been treated to vacations by her family in the past. </p>

<p>But as you said, we don’t know. The OP will have to figure this out.</p>

94

<p>Seems to me that just following the “Golden Rule” is the best answer to these types of questions.</p>

95

<p>Seems like the OP is getting a lot of flak just for expressing her honest opinion to us. I’m sure she will be more subtle with her son and gf.</p>

<p>I just resent the thought that we have to do everything our children ask of us, even after they are adults, even if it highly annoys and inconveniences us, forever and ever, or we are uncaring, selfish parents. Some times you just don’t need to allow people to run all over you, even if they are your children. Does it never stop?</p>

<p>Odds are, this may very well not end up to be your daughter in law. There may be another gf, and another, and another. You have no idea what the future brings. So yes, be kind. But don’t be trampled upon. For some people this would be no big deal, but for others, this could be completely uncomfortable. What if she’s a chatterbox? What if she doesn’t talk at all, leaving you to steer the conversation for 9 hours per day? What if she wants to sit in the front seat, leaving one of you to get sick to your stomach sitting in the back?</p>

<p>It doesn’t have to be obvious. If you haven’t answered your son yet, say you’re not sure. Because you haven’t decided whether you’re driving or flying yet, you’re going to check into airfares. Or that you were planning on spending a couple of days getting there. Just because a free ride would be convenient for the gf, doesn’t mean you must do it. I cannot IMAGINE asking my husband to spend that kind of time with my parents, what a horror.</p>

<p>Now if they were both in the car, it would be easier. But I would feel like I’d have to entertain somebody the entire time, and it would be miserable for me. Just thinking about how I would feel, but you may be more comfortable with it. Jeez, I’ve given my son’s gf a 30 min ride in the car (with him there) and I couldn’t wait to get outta there. Serious willies. If you feel this way, you can find a way to get out of it gracefully, pay for dinner when you are all together, and be very nice to her. You are not obligated to continue to sacrifice endlessly for the kiddo. Save it up for the grandkids.</p>

96

<p>Why so many negative, even mean spirited, responses to this post? The OP just posted their feelings and concerns, which seem like perfectly reasonable feelings to me. If I had been planning a big event, like graduation, for my kid and then there was suddenly this type of change, adding a person, who I may not even know well, to the mix…I would have to work through my feelings about it. It sounded like people were assuming that this GF was someone who the family had known for 2 yrs, as though she’d been hanging around their house and they’d all gotten to know each other well, but that might not be the case. Then, as stated in a later post, the son had met the GF at college and she just happens to live not too far from the parents house. That doesn’t mean that she’s been around and involved with the family and that they’ve gotten to know her.<br>
I do agree with most of the advice, to go with what their son wants on this one, but was surprised by the negative and accusatory tone that many of the posts had. Everyone’s family is different and people have different levels of comfort with some of these adjustments, and just as some are saying the op needs to be more accepting of the GF and how she might feel if she is left out, perhaps we can be just as accepting of the OP and their feelings.</p>

97

<p>I think people are reacting more to:

It is very understandable why OP would feel like that, but it is something most of us try to keep it in check. It is good OP is here to vent instead of letting that feelings be known to her son. OP seem like a very nice person (potential MIL someday), I am sure she will work through this.</p>

98

<p>Sho, YOU may not know her well but the son obviously does and it’s his day, not mom’s.</p>

99

<p>Nine hours is a lot - I’d be flying myself for that many hours! That said, when I drive with my kids they stick their earbuds in or read a book unless I ask them to keep me awake with conversation.</p>

100

<p>Nine hours in a car would be a circle of hell for anyone riding with us. I would comfortably do a trip like that only with my husband and one of my kids at a time. The thought of being in a car with multiple people would make me insane. I might feel differently about bringing a girlfriend or boyfriend on vacation if we were flying or taking separate cars. But I know that I have an extreme need for space and solitude and so does my family.</p>