Should we take son's girlfriend with us to his graduation?

Parents Forum
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<p>You seriously think one can spend 9 hours in a car and not interact? That would be incredibly rude. No, one does not have to make conversation the entire time, but sticking the earbuds in and ignoring everyone else for the entire trip is not acceptable either. I personally doubt that the GF looks forward to the idea of being stuck with her BF’s parents in a car for that length of time, especially if she doesn’t know them well, which would appear to be the case. This sounds like it was the son’s bright idea, and he’s unwittingly put both his GF and his parents in a difficult position.</p>

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Right. The tone of responses would probably have been different if the initial question was: “My son wants us to bring his GF along with us on a nine-hour car ride to his graduation–he won’t be with us. We don’t know her all that well. Is this a good idea?”</p>

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<p>There is an abundance of self-righteousness on CC.</p>

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<p>“If I had been planning a big event, like graduation, for my kid and then there was suddenly this type of change, adding a person, who I may not even know well, to the mix…I would have to work through my feelings about it.”</p>

<p>As Romani points out correctly, it’s HIS day, not yours. That’s the problem with the OP’s post. HE is the one graduating, and HE wants the girlfriend there. He may not want alone or ‘family’ time just with his parents. Since I am not a parent, I actually senthis to my parents, just to get their reaction. It would be wrong to force your child to do family time, while what they actually want is to have their significant other there. Maybe the issue is that past a certain age, you shouldn’t be planning things for your adult child without either getting their input or at least inviting the significant people in THEIR life.</p>

<p>It doesn’t matter if they are engaged or not. He may consider her family or the most important person in his life, and it doesn’t matter what happens a year from now. It’s his feelings now that have to be respected.</p>

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<p>I’ve done 20 hour drives before with my family - we always drove in cars or minivans with lots of space though. Lot of electronic toys can help too.</p>

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<p>Cons, you can call it rude. It depends. I’m used to long car rides and most of them are not spent interacting. Ymmv. I don’t find it rude. I find it obnoxious to talk a lot when I’m driving especially since I usually can’t hear the people behind me well enough to carry on a conversation. All depends on how you view car rides</p>

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<p>Romani, I’m sorry, there are certain things that you say that are a bit ‘off’ socially and this is one of them. What do you mean, you’re not “forced to interact”? Are you seriously suggesting the girlfriend could climb into the car, say a few pleasantries and just say nothing else for the car ride?</p>

<p>For situations in which both the parents and the gf are outgoing, it might turn out to be fun and pleasant for all. For situations in which either the parents or the gf are introverted, it could be difficult.</p>

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<p>This is the son’s masters degree and I do think his wishes regarding who attends should be the number one consideration. Having said that, I wouldn’t drive to this myself, never mind taking passengers for nine hours. Is there a reason why the family isn’t flying this distance?</p>

<p>Also, is the son making the nine hour drive HOME with the family? Is
The girlfriend traveling round trip sans boyfriend?</p>

<p>I think the idea of hoping for a family ONLY event sounds like it is a parent wish and not the wish of the son.</p>

<p>Two separate issues…transportation for the girlfriend, and the inclusion of her in the graduation weekend events.</p>

<p>Perhaps these should be resolved separately. I vote for the girlfriend being included in the graduation events…all of them. </p>

<p>Re: transportation…how will the girlfriend get there if she does NOT ride for nine hours in the car.</p>

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<p>q* Are you seriously suggesting the girlfriend could climb into the car, say a few pleasantries and just say nothing else for the car ride?*</p>

<p>Does she have a smart phone and headphones?
;)</p>

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<p>Pizza, please see what I said above and please don’t call me “off” because I have different experiences than you. Ime, my family and other people I’ve traveled with don’t really interact in cars more than asking whether or not you’re hungry, have to pee, etc. other than that, we listen to music, read, sleep, etc. Maybe it’s because I’m partially deaf but I can’t hear those in the front seat if I’m in the back and vice versa.</p>

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<p>We will be driving because there is no easy way to fly there…after getting to the airport, flights, layovers, etc…it takes 9 hours to fly too!</p>

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<p>I think 9 hours in a car with the son’s GF is a bit much to expect from the parents. If the GF really wants to come, she could find her own transportation. It would be a different case if she were a fiancee. I invited my D’s boyfriend and parents over last Thanksgiving, without my D, who was studying abroad in Spain. A few months later, after she got back, they broke up, even though I had already had them over for a major holiday! How inconsiderate! Anyway, they are back together now, so maybe we’ll have them again this Thanksgiving, WITH my D. But it was a little weird spending all that time with ‘in-laws’ who were not really in-laws.</p>

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<p>Irrelevant if the son wants her to be there. It is HIS graduation and from a Masters program no less…which means he’s well past the age when parents have exclusive hold over him…unless he’s so immature he allows his parents to run his life as if he was in junior high school or earlier. </p>

<p>My family allowed my cousins’ SOs to be at major family gatherings like weddings without giving any grief about it. More importantly, some of those cousins were younger than the OP’s son at the time it happened. Recalled a few were just/barely out of high school and none of those SOs then continued into the present. That part didn’t matter. </p>

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<p>Actually, this could be considered by some to be a good thing as it gives you a good preview of what you and your family will have to deal with if this relationship continues into marriage. Consequently, family would be better prepared to learning how to deal/cope with the future in-law…and likewise with the in-law. </p>

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<p>Not necessarily if the extroverts and introverts are mature and communicate well enough to respect each others’ need for communication and personal space. IME, it’s only a problem if either side…especially the extroverts ignore or insist on imposing their own needs at the expense of others. </p>

<p>I and several family members tend to be on the extroverted side of the spectrum and could talk for hours on subjects which interest us if allowed. </p>

<p>However, one thing our parents/older relatives also taught is to have enough consideration for others and to realize not everyone shares our inclinations…or desires to be constantly subjected to them. </p>

<p>In short, unless the other party…including introverts are actually interested in chatting with us/listening to the chit-chat…it’s better to show consideration and check in to see if they are also cool with it.</p>

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<p>I am an introvert. I love my alone time and I love to go into my head, and I’m the kind of person who uses my smart phone / headphones to watch shows or listen to music and zone out when I get my hair cut or nails done. But these are people I’m paying to provide me a service. But I’m sorry, that is just rude to be in a situation where people are DOING YOU A FAVOR and isolate yourself with headphones.</p>

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<p>I’m an introvert, as I said. I fall asleep in cars extremely easily. Ideally, if I were being driven 9 hours someplace, I’d be lying down in the back seat sleeping the whole way through, or making my own personal phone calls or listening to my own personal music. But that would not be something appropriate to do if I were with (relative) strangers who were doing me a favor. I’d have to put on my big-girl pants, stay upright, and make conversation. </p>

<p>On a slightly different topic, my H and I just did a car ride that was 10 hours each way for a vacation. It was the first time we’d really had alone-time together in too long; we played music that was special / meaningful to us and had some REALLY good conversations. It would have been an imposition to have had someone else in the car with us, no matter how nice and charming of a person she might be or how much we liked her. I agree with Consolation that this was an idea that was nice in theory (help one another out, help a gf without a lot of money) but maybe doesn’t play out well in real life. A 9 hour car trip really is very different from a “hey, it’s an hour away, let’s all drive together” kind of thing.</p>

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<p>For everyone who says it’s his day and his call: then, at 23, he makes the arrangements. Then he doesn’t ask the parents to drive her, but goes ahead and devises a plan that works for the two of them, without asking the parents to facilitate this. Then the parents are respecting his choices and actions, since he is 23 and cares about this young woman. And he is respecting the fact that she’s his gf and the parents don’t seem to know her well enough yet. It’s too simple to say kindness requires nine hours in a small space.</p>

<p>No, romani, it doesn’t depend on how “you” view car rides, it is a matter of independent good manners- first 9 hour trip I made with MIL, I had to respect her need to chat, most of the ride. And, yes, I was in the backseat.</p>

<p>Presumably this son and his gf do get together more than meet up at major holidays when he’s home from school. I’d gess they find a way beyond hitching a ride.</p>

<p>When we refer to engaged or married, I believe most of us insert “living together,” as well. It’s not about some grand official, public stage being reached, some formality to it. It’s about what the level of commitment is.</p>

<p>I do agree total acceptance is nice- frankly, I got that from day one with DH’s family, incl extended relatives. But, now, some of the focus here is the car ride. And, what makes sense for both sides.</p>

<p>I got the impression from post 1 that they have supported him through grad school and are a quite natural component of this event- not second place to a two year gf. (Not saying they trump her, either.)</p>

<p>She does sound like, maybe, a nice gal. But, a question: if she’s 30 minutes fromthe parents’ home now, how well do you know her? Is there already some easy-going relationship, you ejoy time with her? Or this is a blank canvas?</p>

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<p>LG-obviously it’s up to who is driving. I didn’t say to ignore people. I said you don’t HAVE to talk as in it’s not a given that everyone wants to talk during car rides. </p>

<p>I don’t know how else to explain it so I give up.</p>

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<p>Hmmm, the OP says “the girlfriend wants to come.” What has the OP’s son said? Did HE ask to have the OP bring the girlfriend or is the girlfriend asking to “come along.” Huge difference. Secondly, the OP says this is 9 hours away, presumably there is some hotel situation involved.</p>

<p>I think the OP needs to talk to her son and find out what he wishes. If the son is gungho to have the GF there and there is a hotel room involved perhaps the OP needs to say to the girlfriend, “We’d be happy to bring you with us, but you’ll need to pay for your own room.” I don’t see any problem with being gracious but at the same time direct. These are young adults who are asking a “favor.”</p>

<p>I agree that 23 is too young to get married so the OP is entitled to his/her opinion on that one. I’d be saying the exact same thing to my 23 year old son I suspected he were getting to serious about a girl. The divorce rates is the highest in this country for young people married between 20 - 24.</p>

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<p>My strong guess is that the gf will be staying with the son wherever he is currently living, so paying for her own hotel room would not be an issue. Earlier in the thread the OP mentions that the gf had moved home to save money and probably to wait to see where her son ended up living after school (ie she assumes the gf will follow & they will be living together soon).</p>

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<p>So it’s annoying if she wants to talk but rude if she is using headphones to listen to music? :confused:</p>