Should we take son's girlfriend with us to his graduation?

Parents Forum
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<p>^ OP corrected that to son asked. It seems the gf was going to head out on her own.</p>

<p>Romani- there’s no problem when all parties agree or have the same travel styles. The issue is if the dynamics are off and there you are, in a car for 9 hours. Tough way to learn if you get along. Personally, I’d say wrong venue to test the budding relationship between your gf and your parents. </p>

<p>EK- it’s annoying and rude to not fit yourself into the dynamics- all three of them will need to do this. Not at an airport, not in a short ride, not at dinner- but locked in a car. </p>

<p>By all means- and I’d bet some will agree- let the two young adults test their own relationship via a 9 hour car ride!</p>

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<p>I seriously doubt the GF will need a hotel room.</p>

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<p>roman-you don’t have to talk unless you’re with my sister!</p>

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<p>Outside information indicates to me that this is not a parent asking a question.
Apparently it’s been a long summer for some people.</p>

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<p>Wow-I can’t imagine it going well to tell the GF EITHER that they’re flying at this late date OR that she simply would be too much of an imposition to them to bring along, so too bad, so sad. Way to make her feel unwanted and unwelcome.</p>

<p>If they’re driving, and they have the space, then I think they should make the offer to take her. I would assume that she’d stay with her BF, since it’s unlikely he’s sleeping in a tent on the campus lawn and has a dorm or apartment. I’d also assume, and would ask if she hasn’t, offered to pay her way. She’s not indigent. </p>

<p>Maybe I’m from a different era but even with 5 kids and a couple of dogs my parents gave long car rides to people who weren’t future spouses-and many of those long rides included college classmates-not even roommates and not even SO’s, just people from the same hometown going to or from college. So did my siblings when their kids entered college. </p>

<p>I wouldn’t be thrilled to drive ANYWHERE for 9 hours, but if I was and I had the space and someone needed a ride and helped pay for gas, I certainly would offer. Life isn’t all about me and I get that.</p>

<p>The OP has said this girl’s family has taken their S on long rides/vacations. She’s trying to save money so renting or driving her own car and driving the same exact route they are driving seems a little silly. They know her and seem to like her other than her stealing their S. My experience on long car rides is that people talk for awhile, then look at thew window, read, listen to music for awhile, stop for gas/food/bathroom breaks, talk awhile, read, etc. No one ever has forced conversation for the entire trip OR silence. It’s not rocket science.</p>

<p>It’s also baffling that whether she’s a future wife to the S or how young they are is even a consideration. A friend of mine just drove 7 hours back from a summer camp with her S and a friend of his-and they’re 12. If you’re going the SAME PLACE, isn’t it just common courtesy to offer a ride? </p>

<p>This poor GF-I wish I had a way to warn her to just make arrangements now to get there on her own. Maybe there’s a bus or train she can take. Sure it might cost more but she would be safe from having to talk or forced not to talk or be an child-stealing interloper or raining on the parade of a tiger mom or having to share a hotel room or any of the other nonsense that has come up so far.</p>

<p>BTW-I’m filing this away for when my youngest goes to school. Most of the students at all of her college list schools are from out of state. Some schools help arrange for them to stay with local families over the breaks WITH PEOPLE THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW. The horrors! These families host strangers IN THEIR HOMES, USING THEIR FACILITIES AND EATING THEIR FOOD. And they’re not even dating one of their kids! Obviously none of them are on this board. ;)</p>

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<p>One of the things we like so much about both kids’ s.o.‘s is that they do interact with us. That’s not just about good manners, it’s a preview (albeit, not guaranteed) of the future relationships we could have. In each case, it’s easy to treat the others with respect for their roles in our kids’ lives- and feel genuine affection for them. I don’t get the sense OP has this sort of relationship yet with gf.</p>

<p>^Why is this back to being rude to the gf? Oh the poor gal, pinched and dismissed? It’s son who asked and son is old enough to handle things like a young adult. No one knows if renting a car or flying or whatever is an imposition. How do you think they get together on an ordinary basis? (We don’t know. I don’t even recall if we know when this graduation is.)</p>

<p>Carpooling younger kids or roommates is different. I don’t expect them to do more than show decent manners. They are still their own parents’ problems and if they aren’t respectuful or cause some other issue, no further rides. Different “control.” Different dynamics. Different context.</p>

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<p>If the person being offered a ride refused any interaction in the 9 hour ride and retreated to his/her electronic devices or slept…I’d agree. </p>

<p>However, I’d argue that it’s equally rude for the one offering the ride to expect the one being offered a ride to actively converse with them for the entire 9 hour ride and/or to be a chatterbox most/the entire time without taking the other party’s interests and inclinations into consideration. </p>

<p>IME…it is the extroverts who tend to overstep their bounds in these types of situations. My extended family is also aware of this which is one reason why even the extrovert parents/older relatives strongly drove this point of etiquette home with us young’uns…especially with extroverts among us. </p>

<p>I also find it interesting that some folks feel they need to entertain those to whom they offer rides. </p>

<p>That’s pretty sad as that’s a form of low expectations. Believing others are so immature they must be entertained for most/all of the 9 hour roadtrip. It’d be a reasonable expectation if we’re talking kids no older than 11-13. </p>

<p>If a high schooler or adult needs this level of attention…I and most friends would feel he/she is “high maintenance” and seriously lacking in maturity.</p>

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<p>Update: just spoke to son - he says he told girlfriend he asked if she could come with us, and it turns out he hadn’t even asked her about it! She wants to just drive herself to make sure she’s back with enough time for a good night’s sleep Sunday night before work Monday, and doesn’t want to make us leave earlier than we want to. I thank you all again for your advice, and I will definitely take the time to get to know her better.</p>

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<p>^ Smiling here. Signs do point to her being likeable, sensible- maybe someday a great DIL. Hope you have lots of fun over the event weekend. Congrats to all.</p>

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<p>I could have started a topic like this only it would have been titled “Should we take D’s boyfriend (of 6 months) to help her move into College Dorm”? Her college is about an hour’s drive from our house and my D has invited her BF and I feel a little like OP. Although in the case of OP’s questions about her son’s graduation and having the GF of two years attend I think it would be odder if the GF didn’t go. </p>

<p>But where I relate is that this is our good-bye to our baby (youngest of four) and a day we have all been dreading/looking forward to for a long time. I really thought it should be just H,D and me. But the thing is my D really wants her bf to come and since it’s her day we just said okay.</p>

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<p>Well, the OP’s S’s GF sounds like a wise young woman-chances are she knew even before S asked her that a 9-hour car ride with someone who thinks she’s “stealing” her S wasn’t the best idea. And don’t think she doesn’t sense the discomfort-young people have radar about stuff like that.</p>

<p>For ahnelk-I think you chose wisely. I insisted my BF of 6 months go to my high school graduation because I was “in luuuuv” like your D probably is. We had to scramble to get a ticket since my family was so large, and my parents certainly could have said “no” since I was the oldest and thus the first to graduate HS and it was a Big Deal. But they didn’t say no, and even let him sit with them. Six months later BF and I had broken up. We didn’t even stay in touch. But when I come across those photos I’m reminded of just how much my parents cared for me to let me selfishly insist my BF come along. It’s not HIM I remember fondly, it’s THEM, all the more dear to me since they are both gone. I promise you that your D will feel the same years from now.</p>

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<p>No reason to be nasty, sseamom. I am certain that the OP would not express that to the gf, and I’m sure you know that. Most mothers understand that emotion when it comes to their beloved sons. Probably the gf was just as horrified by the son asking his parents to drive her as they were. </p>

<p>Then again, I am curious about emerald’s post #124. And emerald, I think you can join me in jealousy about people who have had a long summer…because I keep feeling that ours hasn’t even started yet!</p>

<p>romani, you can drive with me any time. With or without headphones.</p>

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<p>sseamom: LOL! That is exactly what I’m hoping. I’m not too thrilled D is entering college with her first ‘true love’ BF in tow (or more the fact she even has a first ‘true-love’ BF). She has already informed that she plans to come every single weekend. I’m really hopeful that she will fall in love with college instead. :)</p>

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<p>I was also curious what emerald was referring to, so I googled the user name I chose to see if that provided any insight on the “outside information.” it looks like someone on a wedding website has been posting with the same username, so I assume that’s the outside information. If it makes any difference, I was here under a different name 5-6 years ago when DS was applying to colleges, and remembered all of the support I received then and what a great community it was ad decided to come back to ask this question, but couldn’t remember my login. I figured I wouldn’t forget initials and a wedding date so there you go. I doubt I’m the only person in the world with my initials or the only person who sees significance in August, 1985. Any other doubts I can put to rest, emerald?</p>

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<p>^^It can be hard to figure out who is a ■■■■■, who is just having fun messing with us, who is a student posing as a parent, or who is for real. Especially when one has a very low post count. I am always suspicious of that. But then again, I figure other people may be getting something useful out of the conversation, and many of us just enjoy conversing (or bickering). So unless it’s really obvious, I assume people are who they claim. We probably get suckered all the time.</p>

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<p>Busdriver, I’m certain no one would ever say anything like that out loud to a GF, but the discomfort with the closeness at that age and all-that kind of thing comes through, even when you try to hide it. Let’s just say I’ve had some experience in that area.</p>

<p>ahnelk, I did actually go home every weekend-for a month. Then it was every two weeks, then by Easter, it was holidays only. Had BF not broken up with me, I was ready to do the deed at about the same time. Of all of my HS friends, I only know of one who married her HS sweetheart, and given her homelife, it was probably the most sensible thing. Last I heard she was still married to him.</p>

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<p>Busdriver, I completely understand, I just felt the need to defend myself LOL - you really all have been very helpful; I think I just needed to vent somewhere to think through things more, and you definitely allowed me to do that!</p>

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<p>At points on this thread, too much focus, speculation and , somehow, certainty about Mom’s errors and gf’s tremendous sensitivity. We don’t know. </p>

<p>OP hasn’t written any long, revealing essays. Give her a break. She’s clearly got a close enough relationship with son that he asked her about a ride. If things were so bad, I doubt he would have.</p>

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<p>Looking–you’re right of course about all the speculation…but speculations come as of results of our own insecurities and mostly experiences --it’s how we would answer these “dear Abby” type questions especially without information provided by the OP. It’s fun to me to see how the advice evolves as more info is forthcoming. This holds true on most all the forum questions and not just this one.</p>

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<p>“It’s fun to me to see how the advice evolves as more info is forthcoming. It’s fun to me to see how the advice evolves as more info is forthcoming”</p>

<p>The advice certainly changes when more details are provided. Without it, we just wildly speculate. </p>

<p>“Romani, I’m sorry, there are certain things that you say that are a bit ‘off’ socially and this is one of them”</p>

<p>That is completely inaccurate. Purely because she is more accepting, generous and mature than the vast number of people her age does not make the things she says “a bit off.” I don’t understand the need to personally criticize people whom one has a difference of opinion with.</p>