Should you stack dirty dishes for your waiters/bussers?

Another pet peeve: interrupting a conversation to ask if guests want refills of water. Water glasses should be automatically refilled unless someone says “no thank you” and it should be unobtrusive.

Most aggravating to me:

We live in an area where many belong to a church that prohibits alcohol. Several times I’ve been to restaurants with bars, advertising drink specials, where the servers refuse to tell me “what is on draft” or “what is the daily cocktail special.” Instead they just respond, “I don’t know. I don’t drink” and then just stand silently.

I don’t care if waiters like it or not. I’m not paying to go out so I can be staring at a table full of dirty dishes. I also think it’s odd that people prefer to stare at their dirty dishes while slower eaters munch away. That’s just gross.
I also don’t go to fancy restaurants where the waiters don’t stack the dishes themselves.

How’s is it gross? You just ate off it a few minutes ago. It’s not like it’s someone else’s plate or it’s been sitting there for hours.

Restaurants are lucky if my husband doesn’t go in and wash his dish after he’s eaten. He’s a stacker, he wants his plate gone as soon as he’s eating - and as far as I can see, no waiter knows the 4:20, because it’s never worked. It’s been 27 years now and I tell him when he eats fast, pushes his plate to the side and asks for the check - it makes me feel rushed. Even if he is in no rush and is happy to sit there and talk, he doesn’t want to sit in front of a dirty plate and likes the check taken care of quickly. Which is fine for lunch at a quicker place, but not okay at dinner. Thankfully on Valentine’s he held it together and allowed them to handle it all.

Yesterday at lunch with our son, we both wanted dessert, but the waitress dropped the check off while we were still eating lunch.

I give him slack, when he was growing up he didn’t eat in a restaurant until he was in college. Even now his parents don’t really eat at places where they bring the check to your table.

In olden days (my youth) the idea was that people sat down together and began and finished the meal together. There was a belief this was most comfortable for everyone. I was taught not to lift my utensil before my hostess and, if I were hosting, to pace myself not to finish my meal before my slowest guest. In those days restaurants followed that practice as well. These old fashioned rules were designed to make meals enjoyable for all and it was common practice.

I understand manners and etiquette rules evolve for changing times, and have no idea what is common practice these days.

It isn’t clear to me the rules I was taught make sense today.

I like your style, @alh.

“I understand manners and etiquette rules evolve for changing times”

Going by evidence seen first hand these days, the norm seems to be staring at/fidgeting with your smartphone rather than viewing a shared meal - the food and the conversation - as one’s entertainment. We’re always amazed how many families/groups are focused on their phones instead of each other. They wouldn’t notice the little courtesies you mention.

I will always remember the time a waitress (or waitron as my kids tell me is now the PC name - sounds like a robot to me) dropped off a check and we were going to have an after dinner drink or coffee…we were so shocked we just left the cash and went somewhere else for the nightcap. I eat slower than my H and he likes if they remove his plate. He’ll just sip water or whatever adult beverage he has and wait. I like it when they say “may I take your plate” rather than just stick their hands in front of you and grab as they simultaneously turn and haul off to the bus tub…but again we have all those fast eating chain places these days…so you just go with the flow most of the time. My kids all worked in restaurants for years as did I so sometimes we have great conversations about working as wait staff on those rare instances when we’re all out eating together.

@doschicos I personally find it gross to look at the remains as they congeal and do whatever crumbs and sauces do as they sit around. I suppose if I licked the plate clean, it wouldn’t seem so gross to me. But somehow I doubt everyone else would think that’s proper etiquette either :wink:
I find it more relaxing to chat with whom ever I’m with once the dirty plate has been removed.

I read somewhere that one should never touch one’s plate while being served anywhere. I have been known at times to move mine to the edge, or to the empty space if there is one if we are all done and drinking wine or whatnot. What drives me crazy is when a waiter asks me to please hand my plate over to him, if I’m the one seated at a booth further away.

When I have people over for dinner, I won’t clear the table until everyone is finished. It would bother me if my guests start to stack the plates.

I’d just tell them, “Then go find out.” It’s their job to know. I don’t eat fish, but if I were a waitress, I’d sure know about what’s available in the restaurant. If they have religious objections to liquor in general, then they shouldn’t be working in a restaurant that serves it.

I was a waitress for many years, and I am very responsive to what the server wants. When they come over, I immediately stop talking (my husband doesn’t), I don’t stack my plates, but I put the silverware on top of it along with the napkin and straighten up the salt/pepper at my table do they can pick dishes up easily and do minimum housekeeping. I don’t go to fancy places, so at the casual places I go to…I’m pretty sure that’s what they appreciate. Make it easy and quick for them. I suspect at casual restaurants, servers aren’t picky about having a certain way to pick up plates, just the easier the better. I am happy to hand over plates, they can pick up empty plates whenever they want. I don’t care, whatever they like.

I am, however, annoyed by servers who never return, and wait forever to give you the check, and those who are constantly coming over and interrupting every few minutes.

I agree. Think I’d make a point to ask that every time, even if I didn’t want anything, just based upon principle.

I’d also give them a smaller tip for not doing their job. And perhaps make an aside to the manager. Alcohol sales are usually a profit center for restaurants. If I was a restaurant manager, I’d want to know if my servers were doing such a thing as it would potentially cut into profits.

Let the server/bus person grab the plates according to their method. Don’t stack.

It’s become the norm (IMO) to begin clearing even though others at the table are still eating. If you want the staff to wait until everyone is done eating, tell them clearly, beforehand.

For those who prefer the staff to pour the beer, pour the wine…believe me when I tell you there are just as many people who want to pour their own beer & wine.

As much as staff is trained to “read the table”, it is often difficult to please everyone every single time re: “the right way to do things”.

I don’t stack and woe to the server who attempts to remove plates before we’re completely done eating. Do you want a fork jabbed in your hand? Also, after I’ve ordered and the food has arrived, I don’t want to hear or see waitstaff again until it’s time for the bill. Do not ask me “How’s it tasting?,” “Everything OK over here?” “Do you need a fill up?” “Anything I can getcha?” or any other intrusive nonsense. And it drives me insane if a manager strolls through repeating the same inane questions. Do not inject yourself into my dining experience! After the food arrives, I usually say, “Thank you. We won’t be needing any further attention until it’s time for the bill” but, of course, the staff has been trained otherwise and most can’t seem to remember to leave us alone. We don’t each out often because it’s difficult to find “low-intrusion” restaurants.

I have often thought that the best solution would be a silent button on each table that you could press if you needed anything after the food was served or to indicate you are ready for the bill. Imagine my happiness when DH and I chose a small locally-sourced farm restaurant here in Dublin one night that featured a small white button on the table. The waiter took our order (did not feel compelled to tell us his name—YAY!) and then told us to press the button if we required anything prior to the bill. I took pictures of the button, wrote a glowing Yelp review, and we’ve been back several times during our stay here.

I appreciate when the waiter checks back in, as sometimes you can have an issue with the food. Maybe an item is missing, or something’s not cooked properly, etc. Best to get that taken care of quickly vs sitting around not eating while trying to flag down a waiter who’s disappeared.

I want the waitperson to come back…because I always have dessert!

In a perfect world, the diner looks up and is able to immediately catch the eye of the server, because the server is watching the table and then hurries to the table to ask what is needed.

Well, someone better come by to refill my water!