<p>I’ve seen several threads here about significant others of newly adult children and how to handle the holidays, and what is and is not appropriate.</p>
<p>My D is a sophomore and this is new territory for us as well.</p>
<p>Just had lunch today with DD, and her BF and HIS PARENTS. It was wonderful. Very nice time. They’ve been dating for 8 months now. Really feeling blessed that he seems to be such a great guy and his parents seem great too. </p>
<p>Kind of scary and exciting reaching this new playing field in the game of “letting go”.</p>
<p>We had my daughter’s boyfriend here a lot for the holidays. He’s from Australia so it was nice for him to have somewhere to go. I found it changed the dynamics and I found myself missing our family time with my daughter. But, these are good changes. So, I do try to welcome them with flexibility.</p>
<p>D1’s bf arrived yesterday. I think he’ll go home today (expecting terrible weather and he probably needs to go before it hits). D will go to his family home for New Year’s eve and stay until she goes back to her dorm on the 2nd… </p>
<p>After two Christmases, H and I decided we would certainly not be doing both families on any holiday. His gets Thanksgiving. Mine have a “Christmas,” but it’s never on the 24th/25th. Those days are just us. H is clergy, and he’s exhausted by the time all the services are over. </p>
<p>I just assume that once there’s a ring, I’ll be alone for some holidays unless I want to go with dh and do all church all the time. I certainly don’t want the kids having to do the mad holiday dash between families. It might not even be possible if they settle with someone who lives half way across the country.</p>
<p>Spent Thanksgiving with S, his gf and her family. Lovely time. In fairness, they are well out of college, have been together for 2 years and its probaly just a matter of time before a ring appears.</p>
<p>I think it depend on the type of gathering, as well. For example in my family the boyfriends usually come to Christmas eve, which is the large extended-family gathering. We had 40 people this year, I don’t think I even saw all of my relatives, and it is a VERY informal party. For us, having the BFs there doesn’t really change the dynamic but I can see how it would for a different sort of gathering, where you can actually hear each other speak anyway.</p>
<p>BFs are always welcome on christmas day at my house, too, and if we don’t know them it can change the dynamic since it’s ordinarily just the immediate family but it isn’t a problem for us. There is still plenty of family time before they arrive and after they leave, and eventually they become part of the family, too, if they stick around long enough.</p>
<p>When we were first married we lived about 3 hours away from our families. We packed up the car, trudged through snow to make it ‘home’ for Christmas, Thanksgiving, whatever. We invited people to our place, but it was too far for everyone to drive…um, ok. We would spend Christmas Eve with one family, Christmas Day with the other, be expected to visit various aunts, cousins–us doing the driving of course. When the kids game along it was even worse and we finally put our foot down and just stayed home on Christmas. Remembering those expectations we certainly do NOT want to do that to our children. We will probably plan a day before or after the holidays to get together so everyone can do their own thing on Christmas.</p>
<p>As for having SO’s (our oldest DS-out of college and our DD who is a senior in high school dating someone that graduated HS last year and is now in the military), that is part of the above consideration. We always seem to have extra people for holidays–SO’s or even just friends. One year DS brought a friend who had never attended a large family gathering for any holiday–sure, bring her along. One of DD’s best friends has been a guest at our house for many holidays. We consider her part of the family anyway so why not. This year we were blessed to have 2 SO’s for Christmas. Will the kids still be dating these people next year, who knows, but they are this year and wanted to share the holiday with them. I say the more the merrier.</p>
<p>jym,
did you stay at their house or hotel? </p>
<p>I too suspect a ring in future, as they have looked. they want to wait until the worm gets closer to grad school graduation. now they live on opposite sides of country. it may be a few years yet.</p>
<p>still, the worm got gifts from grandad and aunt.</p>
<p>the worm and i decided we like spreading gifts over 8 nights rather than one huge day. i hope the kids invent their own pattern.</p>
<p>I’ve had a bf at my family Christmas for the last seven years. Two different boys. They’ve always been welcome and we’ve always done Christmas later at their house.</p>
<p>I honestly can’t imagine anyone I know saying no to someone coming over for the holidays. In my circle of friends and their parents, always more the merrier. Family doesn’t have to be blood or marriage.</p>
<p>I think that often, the question is “will this young couple spend the holiday with his family or her family?” Sometimes, there should be a third option – splitting up, with each spending time with his/her own family. </p>
<p>The things your grown child talks about with you are different depending on whether or not the significant other is present. People need both types of conversations.</p>
<p>I got engaged while still in college, and I got married immediately after graduation. By the time I was 20, my then-fiance and I were spending time with our families as a couple, rather than separately. I felt as though I had lost my family because we drifted into a pattern of not talking about topics that my fiance wouldn’t understand. It would have been better if we did some of our visiting with our families individually, rather than always acting like conjoined twins.</p>
<p>HD’s BF has been coming to our Tg dinner the last couple years (they’ve been together for, I think, 7.) he does TG on Friday with his father’s family.</p>
<p>Christmas was busy for them. Sunday was my fam’s larger gathering at my mom’s in PA. Christmas eve they spent at our house for dinner and gift exchange, left after midnight. they got up early Christmas morn, drove 40 minutes to his sister’s who was hosting his fam’s traditional Christmas breakfast. then they drove to SI to visit his mom and her ailing, very elderly parents, including grandmother in nearby rehab home. then they came back here to have a small C dinner with us (bringing his much younger bro from place to place with him.) Then my “kids”, BF, and BF bro shot zombies all evening.</p>
<p>D and BF are getting married this summer, and have lived together several years and own a home, so he is already family to us. Plus, his own family dynamics are complicated, as is probably obvious from above.</p>
<p>We had both boyfriends visit this Christmas for the first time. D1 has been dating her guy for four years and I wouldn’t be surprised if they got married at some point, although both are focused on careers right now. He came for dinner on Christmas Day and my D went to his huge family gathering on Christmas Eve. D2’s guy came to church with us on Christmas Eve and she then went to church with his family (later service). Very nice all around.</p>
<p>The thing no one has mentioned on either thread is that even as new significant others and babies are added, time has a way of making the gatherings smaller. In the last few years my brother and his wife have retired down south, so we don’t see them or their kids/grandkids for holidays anymore. My sister’s kids have married and had kids of their own, adding in-law obligations to their lives, so we don’t see them on holidays anymore. And sadly, five members of the extended family have joined the church triumphant in the last couple of years, including two much too soon. We were only seven on Christmas Eve, and six on Christmas Day, and my mother is failing quickly. </p>
<p>So my personal thought is that more is better than less and even if it may seem too soon with a new bf or gf, who cares if it turns to marriage? The pleasant companionship of a new friend or even someone passing through, can add a lot to a day.</p>
<p>So enjoy who you can when you can because there is no promise of next year.</p>
<p>To add, when I was a kid, there were six adults at our family get togethers–my grandparents, my parents, and my aunt and uncle. In the span of about 9 years, starting when I was 9, both my grandparents, my father, and my uncle died–all way too young. So we were always glad to take on new SO’s, other parts of family, in-law families, friends, etc. Much better to have a few new faces when you’re missing the old.</p>
<p>My thought is that I want my kids to be happy, and if having their significant other with them makes them happy, then I want to share in that. I’d prefer that over their being polite but wanting to get back with their SO. They may or may not feel that way, but why take the chance? </p>
<p>Wh had our younger s and his GF join us at the beach with some friends this summer. He actually opened up and talked about things with his gf there that I woudl not have expected to hear him discuss. It was quite refreshing!</p>
<p>Interesting … although I think there is more than one way to get to these conversations. When I was in college I went to visit my college gf’s family the day after christmas (after a couple months of dating) … and everytime I tried to help in the kitchen cooking or setting things up I got kicked out … as it turned the Mom and 2 sisters were creating space for them to have a more intimate chat among the many in the house.</p>
<p>Personally I like the idea of individual visits … I just did them on non-holiday weekends. Dad’s watching the Masters this weekend then I’ll go up and watch with him … Mom is pretty for the church festival I’ll go up and help cooks etc. I very much want to be with Mom3ToGo on the holidays though wherever we are. Overtime the families have help us work through this … for example … on Thanksgiving we go to Mom3ToGos sisters … and on Friday my family has their thanksgiving meal. Personally I think this is great … instead of seeing each family every other year on Thanksgiving we see both families every year … and my sister and I can other people on Thanksgiving … for me a big win-win.</p>
<p>I agree, it’s all good. As much as I miss some time with my daughter without her boyfriend I do want him to be included. She is very happy with him and that makes us happy. Our gatherings have become smaller. We used to celebrate (awkwardly) with my brother and his family. We made a natural break from that this year. So having my daughter’s boyfriend here definitely helped to round out the party. </p>
<p>I might add that I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer almost six years ago so every Christmas is a good one. I do try hard not to sweat the small stuff and enjoy the holidays. It’s one reason why I wanted to make that break from my brother’s family this year. You just never know what next year will bring (for anyone). I want to be happy on the holidays and we all know sometimes that takes some work. The holidays will evolve as my three grown children add people to the mix. I have to make sure that I don’t spend too much time missing what it once was and try to embrace the new celebrations.</p>
<p>I fully invision DH and I traveling at Christmas to spend time with the kids vs them coming to visit us, especially when they have kids of their own. Our kids LOVED being able to take part in the various activities at our church along with our own traditions at home and mostly being able to wake up in their own home on Christmas morning to the pile of gifts from Santa :D. I am sure DD, at least, will want to continue that tradition. We will see where everyone ends up after college, marriage, jobs, etc. Ideally someone will end up in Washington DC, San Diego and somewhere else so I can visit them often in my favorite cities :D—if they live away from us that is.</p>
<p>Wow, lots of cool posts. This was DD and her SO’s first Christmas. They’re still very young and BOTH of them have helicopter parents, I’m afraid. But I sense we will work it out in the years to come if they stay together. He is certainly welcome at our place any time and for any event. I believe his parents feel the same about DD. They only live 1.5 hours away from each other. DD doesn’t have a car she can drive to him, though, and she’s never driven in a big city before.</p>
<p>All of my siblings live close by and my parents have a house large enough to accommodate all of us, so we all go there on Christmas eve. It seems to be what works for everyone. My sister and her H leave from Mom’s to go 30 min. to his family, and my brother and his family come FROM his wife’s family’s house to Mom’s. We all arrive at different times, but we all see each other. In future years my sister will be clergy, so traditions will have to be adjusted.</p>
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