<p>It is definitely an adjustment and a new level of letting go. Son spent Christmas with his fiance’s family on the east coast, although they’ll be here for this weekend before they head up to their home in Northern California. Next year, they’ll be with us. They plan to alternate every year, but I expect once little ones are in the picture, we’ll be going to them.
And like viewer, I also make an effort not to sweat the small stuff. It was strange not having my son with us on Christmas morning, but honestly, with recent events in our country, I am grateful for our blessings and just cherish what time we do have with our kids.</p>
<p>We don’t celebrate Christmas. D2 (age 24) is in a relationship with a young man (age 26) whose family does celebrate this holiday. They have been going out now for over three years and were friends for three years prior to that. The kids live in NYC (but not together). We live in VT. His parents live in Ohio. Last year and this year, his family invited our D to spend the holidays with his family and the other siblings are all married, but not this son. I thought it was really lovely and welcoming to include her. She spent six days there each time. She is leaving to go back to NYC today and suggested this in advance so that her BF could have a couple days just with his family and he’ll return to NYC in a couple of days.</p>
<p>While I grew up celebrating Christmas on the exact days, in my adult life things are more flexible. This year our son was home with us for the holiday and his GF was with her family. DH is Jewish anyway so doesn’t care about Christmas, but tolerates a tree and any other way I want to celebrate. Assuming that my son and his dear GF stay together, I can tell that they would more often spend Christmas with her family and it wouldn’t bother us one bit as long as they visit us sometime. Her extended family gathers for Christmas and mine does in the summer. Travel is easier in the summer. As moonchild and others have said, why not just enjoy any time at all that we have with our kids and their friends?</p>
<p>The past 2 years, the BF has come to my family for one or both of the Christmas get togethers (he’s Jewish). It also was more convenient as we would usually be leaving for his family’s New Years cruise the day after Christmas. Fast forward to this year, where I live in DC, my family lives around Chicago, and he flies from Indy to Phoenix (where his family lives). The logistics just didn’t work, and my family was rather sad about that. We like having new faces around sometimes!</p>
<p>SO’s to your child can mean anyone significant in their life. OK–my S’s mother and I divorced when he was an infant. A couple of years later I remarried (to a woman one year OLDER than my Ex). My parents had already both died befor my S turned 2. My new FIL was a widower. He lived in the same town as me, my son, my wife (his daughter) and my Ex. ('the Dallas group") My Ex’s parents lived 700 miles away and although they had been divorced over 20 years, refused to be in the same room together.</p>
<p>As the Dallas group all grew up in this, my FIL became the Dallas grandfather to my S. He loved to go to S’s school plays, music events, all that. So, Ex and FIL met at these things. They just loved each other. We started inviting Ex to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas Day with us (including FIL). Sometimes she said yes and other times she would buck up and make the trip to the battleground town where her parents lived. Over time she did the dutiful daughter less often.</p>
<p>Fast forward to HS graduation. There were a limited number of tickets per child. FIL was now dead. Ex’s mother was dead. Just Ex’s father and his second wife. But, Ex’s father and his wife had refused to be around me all those 16+ years. My wife and I offered my Ex 2 tickets to let his grandfather and wife sit in the graduation seats. Surprise, but they agreed. I never told my S that is what we did. Several days after graduation, my Son said “thanks Dad” for letting grandad and [] sit in “the good seats.” Apparently his mother had told him.</p>
<p>My Son has three parents–me, my wife and his mom. Anyone he cares about is a “SO” in my book. This Christmas S lives in Brooklyn. We weren’t going to be able to connect in person. My wife’s sister and husband and their 2 kids were going to be in NYC for a trip they won at a charity auction. My S spent Chrsimas eve with this part of our “family.”</p>
<p>I grew up in a family that, thanks to my mom, had extraordinarily rigid rules as to how and when Christmas was celebrated. A bizarre set of rituals where timing and protocol is everything. Who may be invited, the day that the tree must go up and come down, what foods are served and exactly when and how they are consumed. And most important…no outsiders. Family Christmas’s now alternate between my sisters house and mine. This was her year and she, unlike me, carries the protocol mom set up and has added her own bizarre twists. My brother and I were delighted that her daughter invited the new boyfriend. We knew he would somehow throw things into a tizzy. Poor guy…when the pie and a knife was set before him, he cut the pie at the wrong time. A full two minutes BEFORE the set time. And my sister screamed NOT YET, NOT YET, like her head was on fire. Poor guy. What fun.
When Christmas is at my house, neighbors drop in and out, new and old boyfriends come by, and pies are cut at all times of the day with wild abandon. Sister spends time in the corner in a subdued rage. </p>
<p>And this year, D’s wonderful boyfriend is spending a full week with us. (Oh the horror.) ;)</p>
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I think we have the same sister. My sister’s kids went to their inlaws this year, so she sat home alone and made a hamburger. Heaven forbid she should do anything different than what she demands.</p>
<p>I DID mention in the other thread about the gatherings getting smaller due to divorce-and of course death and moving away can do it too. I’ve also mentioned on another thread that in my family growing up, guests were always welcome on the holidays. People my parents worked with sometimes came, sometimes it was people from church, or neighbors of my grandmother. As we five grew up, BF or GF were added, then spouses, then kids. Some years we needed two tables.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine saying that SO’s are not allowed until marriage happens, nor can I imagine that spouses would spend a major holiday apart to be with “their” families. Their marriage CREATES a new family! </p>
<p>The fact is that they all eventually go home unless they live with you, so you DO get face time alone with your own “kid” even when they’re grown and have lives of their own. It’s just different, not bad, not better. </p>
<p>My grandparents and parents passed away years ago. I live 3,000 miles away from my siblings. If I limited “my” holiday to “my” family, there would be only 5 of us, 3 if it was a year my older kids went to their dad’s back east. Instead I get H’s siblings, their SO’s, their kids and THEIR SO’s, an in-lawe of an in-law or two, and maybe a passing friend or two. I love it. I am loved and included in family of family-sort of the “it takes a village” in action. While I miss my “real” family, I wouldn’t trade the village that has taken me in for anything.</p>
<p>I love the embrace of Christmas.And I really don’t like traditions that exclude new friends and potentially new family members. I LOVE having guests for the holidays.</p>
<p>Wow! Musicamusica!! LOL - our Christmas is a free for all! We have set traditions, but it’s so casual and laid back. I cannot imagine this scene. You should write it out and sell it as script. That’s Hollywood stuff, baby! LOL</p>
<p>DH and I both come from divorced families. My parents remarried over 40 years ago and stayed married to their second spouses; DH’s have multiple divorces between the two of them. We have been forced into the multiple Christmas celebrations from the time we were married. I finally rebelled once I had kids and we celebrate at our house rather than making all these different treks to various nearby cities. The down side to that is that I am hosting 4 Christmas dinners. It can be exhausting and at times I feel stressed and wish there was no such thing as Christmas.</p>
<p>But Mom died unexpectedly on 12/12/12; Grandma had passed away just six weeks before that. I will never again take these holidays for granted. I cherished every moment this year. I will, however, have to go on a major diet after eating 4 events’ worth of holiday fare.</p>
<p>musicamusica–we need more details :D. So how exactly does it work–you can’t cut the pie until 5:00 PM? What exactly will happen, the earth explodes or something? This sounds too good NOT to share!!!</p>
<p>Nrd, I’m so sorry. Hugs and comfort to you and yours.</p>
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Please accept my deepest sympathy.</p>
<p>SteveMA—Many many of the arcane pie cutting rules have been passed down through certain secret Scottish Presbyterian sects and I can only divulge the procedure to the initiated. This presumptive boyfriend is a Methodist. He knows NOTHING.</p>
<p>Sympathy to NRDSB4—nothing more difficult than combining Christmas with loss. Hang in there.</p>
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<p>Thanks very much. Between my DH and me, this is the first parent death, and my Grandma was the last grandparent. Life moves fast, doesn’t it?</p>
<p>Nrdsb4-my sympathies too.</p>
<p>Musicamusica, my MIL has the same bizarre rituals. We spent ONE Christmas there after we had kids and said NO MORE. At MILs house, you sit in a big circle and only ONE person opens a gift at a time. Then they pass that gift around. You can imagine how long that takes with 20 or so people. PLUS…in the middle they take a lengthy break for breakfast. Sorry…but my little kids and we just didn’t like that. For 20 years we offered to host Christmas. Some of the siblings came once, but never the in laws. We now have Christmas morning at our home, and our kids would certainly be welcome to bring SO’s if they had SO’s (they were not really welcome at MIL’s house…and it was interesting the year DH took ME before we were married. It created such a scene because while I could be there, I was not allowed in any photos. Seriously!).</p>
<p>Of course not, Thumper! If you were in a photo and then you and DH split up, it would create “bad memories” if anyone had to look at your face!</p>
<p>musicamusica–so your family are all Freemasons huh :D.</p>