<p>Nrdsb2: So sorry–losing a parent is so tough, especially when it’s unexpected.</p>
<p>I enjoy having guests/significant others/etc. at Christmas. I grew up in a very small family; my parents were immigrants and their parents and siblings were not in the US. I always envied friends who had huge family gatherings. </p>
<p>This year, my son-in-law’s parents (who are divorced) came for Christmas. They seem to get along OK–no love lost, but they’re civil and we all had a good time. Youngest D’s significant other was here as well (he’s from our town, but the two of them didn’t start dating until they met up again in Philly after both finished college). He spent time with his family on Christmas Day and then came here for a late dinner. We serve dinner at 6 pm on Christmas Day–one of the traditions that we always maintain.</p>
<p>Thumper, it’s pretty common not to have those outside of the family included in family pictures. But one thing we do when there is a SO guest is to take pictures of the couple, or the buddies together. That way, we capture the memory and acknowledge this person as an important guest - and we still preserve the annual family picture.</p>
<p>We have had many BF/GF that have come and gone. It’s awkward to have them in family pictures when the child moves on and marries someone else.</p>
<p>Nrdsb2, my condelences. We have both mothers living with us now, and each has issues. We know that each Christmas can be the last for either.</p>
<p>Our gathering has gotten bigger these years. We now have both mothers here which means family members come here since the elderly ladies are pushing 90 and are not going to be traveling to them. Plus, our boys are bringing SOs and friends here. </p>
<p>We take pictures in every combo and someone’s excluded from some of them. I like one of just the brothers, just me with them, just DH with them. These days with the digital cameras it’s easier.</p>
<p>Cromette. I don’t think I would have been bothered if my MIL had been the only one not including me in the pictures…but she was also barking out orders to her kids with cameras. Luckily they didn’t listen. I have terrific relations with all of my husbands siblings…and I feel welcome in their homes. My MIL never made me feel welcome…and my other outlaw relatives feel the same way.</p>
<p>Oh my goodness, so many smiles from this thread. Musicamusica, thank you! Aren’t families great? ;)</p>
<p>nrdsb, my sympathies. My mom and stepdad were here for four days over Christmas and every year that I have them, I cherish each moment because I don’t know if there will be another. My Ds think I’m morbid, but I just feel that it is a realistic way to look at life. My Dad passed away 28 years ago at a very young age and both of my H’s parents are also gone. One of the (many) joys of my life is to see my mom with her great-granddaughter. :)</p>
<p>My mother loved one of the pictures from my first wedding–immediate family, me, and ex-husband. After we divorced, she kept the picture up and would apologize saying it was the best she’s ever looked. When I brought my now husband home for the first time, I happened to notice that she had the picture on display. She had cut my ex out of the picture and re-framed it. She didn’t do a great job, so it did look like someone was missing. My H looked at it and started laughing. My mother said she knew right away that she liked H because he laughed at the photo.</p>
<p>I like your mother and REALLY like your husband. Life is too short and wonderful to spend on revising or ignoring what has been part of what you are today.</p>
<p>Amen. For my Mom’s memorial service slide show, my sister asked me if it would be okay to include a few photos of Mom which included my Dad (not her Dad). I told her to ask the one whose opinion counted the most, my stepdad (her father). She said “Oh, I already did, and he said of course it was okay.” He understood that you can’t erase a person’s past, as we are all the product of our life experiences. I thought that was incredibly classy. Not that this would be the right thing to do in each and every situation, but it was a very kind thing for my stepdad to do. Also, he is very secure in the fact that he was the love of my Mom’s life.</p>
<p>For years my niece would insist that her SO stand at the end of a row in group pictures so it would be easy to chop him out if they broke up. They have been living together for years and now she actually lets him stand in the middle. Progress I guess (?)</p>
I can’t imagine asking couples to split up so you can have alone time with your child. There’s plenty of ways to arrange this without uninviting a spouse or SO.</p>
<p>I’m of the more the merrier school and the for heaven’s sake be flexible school. For a few years, we made long drives to the parents alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas, and then like others upthread we put our foot down and began to host at least some of the celebrations. This year we had my sil and her son here, and will see my Mom and brother(s?) at New Years. We saw my Mom and that whole extended side of the family at Thanksgiving as well.</p>
<p>We no longer spend Christmas with the brother my Mom lives with now because we hate their bizarre Christmas rules. (Among them Christmas elves that gave presents before Christmas and only opening one present a day after Christmas till Twelfth Night.) I enjoy their Boxing Day party (sing carols one last time) and love their New Years Eve dance (great live band) so we just come afterwards now. With any luck they might even open our presents while we are there.</p>
[quote]
If you were in a photo and then you and DH split up, it would create “bad memories” if anyone had to look at your face![\quote]</p>
<p>I guess you have every right to make fun of me all you want, but my d was in a relationship for 2 years that I later learned was abusive. I am very grateful that I do not have memories or pictures of that young man spending holidays with us, even though my decision not to include him at that time obviously makes me an object of derision. I have enough bad memories and guilt as it is.</p>
<p>I know all about being a young woman abused by an SO-I WAS that person when I was in college. But you can’t rewrite history. My family included him in many special occasions, not just Christmas, and whether or not he was in the photos or even THERE at those times didn’t make him any less the person he was, or the person I was, at that time. </p>
<p>Rather than pretend it never happened, I used that experience to train as a hotline volunteer for a domestic violence program. I also wrote stories based on interviews with “recovered” victims and donate regularly to such programs. I use my experience to teach my daughters what to watch out for and what to do if it happens to them. I am who I am in part because of my experiences. I haven’t looked at a photo of the guy in 30 years. Doesn’t matter. He affected everything that happened to me from then on, both good and bad.</p>
<p>Had your D married the SO you talk about, I assume he’d have been allowed at your house for those intimate gatherings restricted to family only-and when your D left him, as I did, he’d have stopped being invited, as my SO was. The only difference is that you preemptively restrict people from attending while my family did not. They were still SOs more involved in our daily lives than our parents were/are.</p>
<p>Thumper1 - UGH!!! SO glad we don’t have that problem in our family! Thank heaven it’s just HER, and the rest of the family is nice.</p>
<p>OrdinaryLives - Not sure the intent was to make fun of you, but more to make light of a common and often uncomfortable situation for many, for many different reasons.</p>
<p>I was married for 8 years to a man that most of the family would rather forget. Since he abandoned his kids and signed them over it made it pretty easy for most of us to do that. You won’t see pictures of him around ANYONE in our family’s house. My DH of 15 years WOULD BE offended if there were pictures of him up. Everyone and every situation is different.</p>
<p>^^^^Cromette, totally understandable, but that’s quite different than the scenario offered up by the poster in question. If I understand correctly, he was saying that SOs were usually excluded from photos not because of what they had done but because of what they might someday do. Which seems odd to some.</p>
<p>OL: Don’t think anyone wanted to make fun of you. Your D was in a horrible situation and it’s very good that she’s out of it. As for photos of the ex–you don’t have any, which resolves the problem. I would trust your D to choose wisely in future relationships and wouldn’t leave her SO out of photos simply because of a very unfortunate past relationship.</p>
<p>My second H and I lived together for several years before we married. We bought our first house right before Christmas and hosted Christmas at our house.</p>
<p>My parents stayed at our house. and my future (divorced) in laws came for dinner and spent time with us over the weekend as they were local.</p>
<p>Everyone had a great time, and I’m really glad we did it that way as my dad subsequently was diagnosed with lung cancer and died a few months later. It was the only time we were able to have everyone together. If we had waited until we had married, we never would have had that Christmas to look back on.</p>