Some ppl are just oblivious. This is not the same, but just to make the point, a woman who works for me is very sensitive like this. Me? Not at all. I have this Knomo backpack she just loved and always commented on. One day she said “I dont want to sound stalkerish, but would you mind if I got pne of those?”. It never occurred to me she should ask. It never occured to her that she shouldn’t.
A ring is much more personal. I guess it depends on how rare it is. If it is a tiffany band anyone can get, it is annoying and invasive. If it had to be made or special ordered, then that is a bit more single white female-ish…
I’d just shake my head and be glad that my life is going so well that this is my big problem. How lucky you are that you can afford to have something this inconsequential really get to you!
I am curious about the ring. Did you buy something that was already made and was just sitting in the jewelry case at a store?
Or did you work with a jeweler, tell him/her what you wanted, and then have a custom ring made?
I would be more upset if my ring was truly a custom design. I would be upset with both my friend and my jeweler, if the same jeweler made another one for my friend.
Totally! And I think a good way to respond to them, or to avoid their really driving us nuts and/or interfering with our relationships and comfort level, is to recognize how overwhelmingly trifling they are and how lucky we are not to have bigger fish to fry.
That said, I’m pretty annoyed right now that I don’t have any fried fish for lunch
I am pretty mellow about stuff, but I had an interesting incident, no big deal, nothing like a wedding ring, but I gave a party and a friend wanted to bring dessert, even after I suggested other items I needed more. She brought dessert, a recipe I gave her but with some ingredients changed. It was so weird, and yet, I know her well and she just is more like a spectrum person than a socialite so it was a compliment from her, but it has still struck me, repeatedly all weekend that it is so odd.
That’s nothing like the wedding ring in terms of importance, but I can sympathize with the combo of the OP being offended and being just weirded out, wondering about how this friend thinks.
My honest first internal response was that this is a really small thing to get so upset about. It sounds like your friend was more clueless than anything, not that she intentionally set out to hurt you or thought it would hurt you and did it anyway (even though she did indeed go out of her way to get this ring).
Upon further reflection, it occurs to me that we all have feelings about things that other people might think are extreme. You are entitled to feel hurt if that’s how you feel. What is more important is what comes next. You are hurt and then____________. What? You say you are going to let it go…is that REALLY what you are going to do? Or is there a chance this festers inside of you? I guess you need to decide just how important the friendship is. Does it deteriorate over something like this? Is she really clueless or is there a level of meanness there that you’ve never noticed before? Do you actually already harbor some negative feelings about her and you are using this as the real excuse to be resentful? These are all rhetorical and are not questions I’m hoping you will answer here.
You are not a thing…things, no matter how sentimental or unique, do not define you. No one can “steal” any part of you, ever.
Not directly related to your quandary OP – but I recall this story that might bring some levity (I read it on a wedding advice blog or something).
A young woman was about to be married. Her parents were divorced and the MOB was very helpful to the bride. The MOB spent some time considering and choosing an appropriate dress for herself for the wedding. The bride’s stepmom was very competitive and shockingly, ordered the exact same dress to be worn on the wedding day!
Word got back to MOB about the mean-spririted action by the stepmother. Rather than be upset, the MOB ordered another dress. The bride was shocked to see how well her mom was reacting to the situation and asked: “Mom, what are you going to do with that first dress?”
The MOB said: “Don’t worry about me, honey. I have the perfect occasion to wear the dress – the rehearsal dinner!”
I posted because I was interested to hear what others thought – and because I was surprised at how hurt I felt. I do think wedding rings have much more importance than the material value, so this was not a dress or other piece of jewelry.
I do not plan to make a fuss about it - it certainly is not worth ruining our friendship over, and I don’t think she did it out of meanness or spite. I think she genuinely admired the ring and wanted the same thing for herself. At the worse, it was classless and selfish, but not intentionally cruel by any means.
You are most likely correct that heartache this decision caused was not intentional. I do understand why you are unhappy about her purchase. In order to move on and not harbor hard feelings, I think you need to hear her reasoning behind the purchase and then share your feelings accordingly or make up a plausible story for your own peace of mind and let it go.
Here is a possible scenario: Friend was shopping and saw your ring at a jewelry store. She enthusiastically commented that she has always loved that ring and the clerk suggested she try it on. She loved it, the clerk pushed for the sale. She told the clerk about you and wondered if it would be okay. The clerk played on her emotions and convinced her that as a good friend, you would take this as the ultimate compliment. She bought the ring, hubby is not pleased with the duplicate ring concept or the price but now they own it so he either agrees to it or it sits in a drawer. - This might make it easier for when she wears the ring in your presence.
Yes, that was my thinking as well. Glad it’s not. I understand your being hurt and somewhat baffled. People sometimes do strange things – especially when they admire us.
KaJIN, just curious. I can’t imagine a wife buying herself an expensive wedding ring without checking with hubby first. When women want to upgrade their rings, the husbands I know go with them. It’s meaningful to both.
Nearly all my jewelry has been gifts from H. I’ve never “upgraded” my engagement or wedding ring, but don’t think I’d do it as a surprise to H–who knows what others do though? I never make purchases that would significantly affect our finances without H and I discussing and he’s the same.
