I didn’t go to mine, back in 1977, and never regretted it. My son had to go to his to sing the national anthem with the madrigals, so he did that in his tux and then left. He doesn’t regret it either.
I’l mention this option to her-- I predict she’ll find the practice session as another indication of her ‘outsider’ status and won’t be on-board.
I didn’t want to go to my high school graduation – and my parents were OK with it. Most of my friends were a year or two older, my best friend in my year had graduated early and was going to skip the ceremony – by May, my heart and mind were so far a way from high school graduation wouldn’t have been that meaningful. We still celebrated as a family – an especially nice dinner out, my mom gave me a piece of my grandmother’s jewelry I loved – none of us feel we missed out on anything.
I encourage you to follow your inclinations and do something else that night. One of my daughters missed her graduation ceremony due to a conflict with an EC event she considered more important, and has no regrets 10 years later. I’d have missed mine with a great big smile on my face if my parents had been okay with it. I did go but I don’t think I’ve thought of it since 1972, and once I submit this post, I doubt I’ll think about it again.
I understand your concern about consequences for your child who is still enrolled at the school, but if your d’s decision doesn’t become a flap, there will be other students who draw the attention of school officials for offenses that do require consequences. When I disagreed with school policies, I found it effective to give as little feedback as possible and just state the facts - D3 can’t make it that night. Sometimes I do wish that I had decided to battle over one hill or another, and few of our school’s policies were as dumb as this one!
It might make sense to let your daughter skip graduation but not explain the reason why until after your younger child has graduated. At that point, if you write a thoughtful letter explaining the uncomfortable situation that led your second-to-youngest child to skip the event, there can be no consequences for anyone in the family. But your insights might still be valuable to the school administration.
Last year we had a late spring snow storm that delayed the state track meet for a few days, which pushed it to Saturday which meant some of the seniors missed their graduation ceremonies. They held a ceremony at the track meet and it was kind of cool because many of the kids from different schools had been friends through the competitions for years. It was a rainbow of gowns too.
The Val at the school my kids went to as freshmen missed the graduation ceremony because he was in the state track meet. He recorded his speech.