<p>My eleven yr. old daughter came home from school today and said that her new friend (from her new school) told her today that when she gets bad grades her mother slaps and kicks her. Its hard to know how often (and how hard) this happens, especially from an eleven yr. old. Apparently the father is aware of it and tries to stop it. I don’t want to get involved in this. The kicking concerns me more than the slapping. The girl told my daughter that its not a big deal, and that she doesn’t want her mother knowing that she told because then the girl will get in more trouble. Also, the girl’s concerned that if parents know, we won’t let our daughter go over there. I’ve met the parents once and been to their house. They were the type of people I’d like to spend more time with! (or so I thought!). I told my daughter to let me know if she hears that its happenned again.</p>
<p>I’d tell the teacher or the school counsellor or the dean of instruction at the school.</p>
<p>This is child abuse, and it’s happening regularly, Dke.</p>
<p>If you don’t want to get involved, tell someone at your daughter’s new school everything you’ve heard, and let them handle it. </p>
<p>Tell your daughter she was right to tell you, and talk to her about what she’s thinking.</p>
<p>It’s a story from a little girl. It might not be happening. It might not be as bad as the girl says. It might be worse than the girl says. It might have happened once. </p>
<p>One thing I think is safe to say, is that if child abuse is happening, it’s none of the school’s business. They would report it to the county or state social services folks, anyway.</p>
<p>In Washington, I would think long and hard about what to do here. DSI is notoriously either overworked or incompetent here, and I would be reluctant to toss this little girl into that system without knowing more about what is really happening.</p>
<p>I definitely wouldn’t take official action on the second-hand recitation of one little girl to another. Is there another way to collect more information without bringing in social services?</p>
<p>You should probably tell someone at the school, but given the age of the child, I would also be concerned about whether this girl is telling your daughter the truth in the first place. Kids can be quite the storytellers. Better safe than sorry, though.</p>
<p>I would report it to the school counselor. Even if she is not being truthful it may be some other cry for help. In my experience by 11 years old it is not really “normal” per se to lie about things like this. By that age there is some understanding of what the consequences for saying something like that would be. If it’s a lie then IMO she still may need some sort of help.</p>
<p>If I really felt I trusted the parents (although to be honest, people don’t meet you and say “hi! I abuse my child!”) then I might try to speak to the child myself. Perhaps your daughter could encourage her friend to go speak with the counselor or teacher?</p>
<p>Yes, the girl may be lying, or exaggerating, or whatever. But that should never be your first thought when you hear a report from a kid who says she’s being slapped and kicked for bad grades, particularly when you get these kinds of details:
If Dke wanted to get personally involved, he could find out more information himself, talk to other parents, talk to the little girl, etc. But he doesn’t want to be involved, so his choices are to: 1) do nothing, or 2) tell someone else and let them handle it. When kids are involved, and abuse is suspected, doing nothing is a very bad option.</p>
<p>As Princedog brought up, if she’s making it up, she still needs help. Eleven year olds don’t lie about abuse when there’s not something else going on too.</p>
<p>I’d slip a note on that one to a school official. For sure.</p>
<p>Some states have mandated reporters- people who are viewed as trusted by the public, such as clergy and medical personnel as well as educators are usually required by law to report suspected abuse-
<a href=“http://www.childabuse.com/childabuse_statelaws.html[/url]”>http://www.childabuse.com/childabuse_statelaws.html</a>
I would agree with Washdad that dshs is fairly overworked to the point where kids are placed in homes that were more abusive than their original homes, but I do think an adult needs to be involved to at least give this girl a place she can turn & to help your daughter see that we are not impotent and that we can at least do a little to help</p>
<p>Girls that age do exagerate, however, not usually about hitting- its the I have no friends, everyone hates me, the teacher never calls on me, so and so always takes my lunch</p>
<p>But it is better to error on the side of follwoing through and checking than not</p>
<p>One time I got a call from my youngest about her taking a girls lunch- well, my D says she never did- the truth was somewhere in the middle- </p>
<p>But something is going on</p>
<p>See, I don’t think dke needs to get any further involved from an “investigative” standpoint. I think alerting a school official will do the job. They will be on the look out for further trouble.</p>
<p>
If I even suspected that my D’s friend had parents who behaved like this I wouldn’t allow my D to go to their house.</p>
<p>I would do WAY more investigation before taking any action! Once you get that “child abuse” accusation rolling with school or social services, you could very well ruin some peoples’ lives over what could turn out to be nothing!</p>
<p>If you are concerned, I’d suggest inviting the girl to your house and making gentle inquiries by bringing up grades, or discipline in general, or what kids should do when they need help, etc.</p>
<p>Wow. Me, I’d call CPS or DSHS or whatever it’s called in your state immediately. Why would a kid lie about that? </p>
<p>I am a mandated reporter. On the one occasion when a kid told me her parent had hit her (she had a cut on her cheek that she said her mother had inflicted with a broomstick), CPS showed up at the school the next day to interview the girl. She told CPS that she’d lied to me… but I still think I did the right thing. At least one person took her seriously. (Incidentally, the principal told me she’d SEEN the mom hit the girl, and had chosen not to do anything, because “her mom is really a nice person, she just gets angry sometimes.”)</p>
<p>It’s your responsibility to let the school know. It’s the school’s responsibility to take follow-up action.</p>
<p>Either the girl is troubled and lying or she’s in trouble due to parental abuse. Either way, it would be appropriate to inform the school.</p>
<p>“Also, the girl’s concerned that if parents know, we won’t let our daughter go over there.”</p>
<p>Reasonable assumption. I wouldn’t let my kid go over there until I had some solid proof that no abuse was going on. I don’t care how nice the parents appear to be. There are plenty of nice appearing parents who are child abusers.</p>
<p>The ex-husband of a friend was a much loved middle school teacher. He ended up gettnig arrested after he yelled threats and screamed profanity at their teen daughter, who was so distraught that she tried to jump out of a window on their home’s second story. The mom had me read a transcript of her hysterical call to 911. </p>
<p>I knew the husband, and had no idea from his behavior that he was capable of such behavior. I even had stayed overnight in their home.</p>
<p>thanks so much. The fact that the girl said her father tries to stop it tells me that there is something going on there. I’ve got to think about this some more. I’ll also talk to my husband about it. In fact, I’ll print out this thread with your suggestions on it for him. thanks so much.</p>
<p>You definitely shouldn’t be jumping to conclusions because of what an 11 year old said. That includes telling anyone. You could cause just as much harm if you are wrong. Maybe more. I know, some of you are speaking solely out of emotion about this poor little girl who is “Supposedly” being abused. But if you are wrong, it’s almost unrepairable.</p>
<p>You said that these are the type of people that you would like to get to know better. (Or so you thought). Why not try and get to know them better. 1st of all, grades come out usually only 4 times a year, so there is a certain amount of time you have to work with here. Get to know this family. Invite them over to dinner, bar-b-que, family outing, etc… You will know when the family is together their REAL relationship.</p>
<p>When I was young, if i failed a class, I got one hell of a beating. No, it wasn’t child abuse; even though some of you would think that any physical contact to a child is abuse. Now, I guess we need to define the word “Beating”. What I call a beating, some would call a “Spanking”. I purposely used that word because our language leaves a lot for interpretation. </p>
<p>You have no facts at all. You have 3rd party hearsay from your 11 year old from another 11 year old. If you want to know this family, then that’s what you need to do. Once they are all together, you will know immediately what the child and mother relationship is. No parent is going to be that abusive ONLY when grade time comes. They will be abusive when the child is speaking, when the child is playing around, etc… Yes, there is going to be a little “Good behavior” when around guests, but it can’t be hidden. You will see how the child reacts to mom’s words and actions. It can’t be hidden. If after this, you really believe that there is a problem, then by all means tell someone. You can be anonymous to family services, anonymous to the school, etc… But if you are wrong and base it off of an 11 year olds 3rd hand hearsay, you could cause a lot of problems for the child and her family.</p>
<p>Of course you are going to hear a lot of different opinions here. Believe what you want and do what you think is right. There’s only 3 possible scenarios here. 1st; the child is making it all up for attention with her friend or parents or just because they make up stories. 2nd; it really is happening. 3rd; There is discipline happening because of a bad grade, but it’s nowhere near what’s being described. I would try and figure out something first. At the very least, you could get your daughter to invite this child over a lot more often for dinner, sleep over, etc… Trust me, I have seen child abuse. If it’s happening, it’s not going to be just once in a blue moon because of a bad grade. It will happen more often than that.</p>
<p>I would tell the teacher, absolutely…</p>
<p>and if you think its okay to smack a child, that is really sad</p>
<p>most parents don’t HIT for bad grades, and to do so is pathetic</p>
<p>so, christcorp, will you smack your kids around if they get a poor grade?</p>
<p>And what is the difference between what your parents did to you and child abuse?</p>
<p>How long does a person wait- until there are visible bruises? Until there is a broken bone? Or until the kid starts acting out even worse?</p>
<p>A school counselor can gently ask the child questions, in a very safe, non leading way, the teacher can be more watchful if someone has brought the allegations to her attention</p>
<p>But if you say nothing to people that are trained to deal with it, then you are not helping that child</p>
<p>Most abuse cases accusations are real- very few are false- and while kids exagerate, this little childs story is pretty detailed</p>
<p>What, if a little girl said grandpa touches her funny, do we just go, eh, lets hang around grandpa and see if we get a “feeling” of his behavior</p>
<p>I say, mention it to the school counselor, who is trained to work with kids</p>
<p>If the girl is making this up, the school will well be aware of her story telling</p>
<p>Maybe she felt safe telling the new girl, because no one else cares</p>
<p>or Maybe she wanted to “show off” for the new girl, to get attention</p>
<p>at this point, the school; staff knows their children, and will be able to judge how to handle this, you as a parent need to pass along the information</p>
<p>Christcorp, you seem to be assuming that the social workers who investigate child abuse reports have no brains. WHile the cases where that is true occasionally make the press, the vast majority of the time, they actually know what they are doing.</p>
<p>You may think a “beating” is acceptable; others don’t. There are actually legal definitions for what kind of discipline is acceptable, but I’m curious as to why you think it’s ever appropriate for an adult to hit a child? What lesson could it possibly teach? “I’m bigger than you, so I can hit you if I want”?</p>
<p>Absolutely tell the school GC.</p>
<p>Is there a chance this could be an immigrant family?</p>