Slapping for bad grades?

Parent Cafe
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<p>“That includes telling anyone. You could cause just as much harm if you are wrong. Maybe more. I know, some of you are speaking solely out of emotion about this poor little girl who is “Supposedly” being abused. But if you are wrong, it’s almost unrepairable.”</p>

<p>“Emotion?” Many of us are urging the OP to let the school know because we have a legitimate concern that a child may be being abused. None of us here is qualified to investigate whether what the girl said is true. That’s for the authorities to decide.</p>

<p>The risk of not speaking up is that if the girl is being abused, she may continue being abused along with all of the physical (including life-threatening injuries or even death) and emotional problems that can come with abuse.</p>

<p>If the girl is lying, it also would be good for the school to know about the lies so that they could help the girl get the mental health assistance she needs.</p>

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<p>IF the girl is lying, then she could, down the road, get others in trouble…</p>

<p>And as I said, if this girl is a fibber, the school will know that, and if she is indeed being abused, pieces will start to fall into place very quickly</p>

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<p>Cheers, this family is very upscale…corporate relo types, well educated. I immediately liked them when we were introduced in that they seemed very invested in their kids’ education (to the point of abuse? didn’t know…) and seemed to be bright and had good senses of humor! (actually, only the Dad, come to think of it)</p>

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<p>Ugh. That sounds like a much darker picture then. </p>

<p>Absolutely keep your daughter out of there.</p>

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<p>I would definitely speak to someone at the school if I were you. Explain to them just as you did to us. Provide them with the information, albeit limited, that you have. Teachers and counsellors are trained how to handle reports such as this, and will respond accordingly. It is never acceptable for an adult to hit a child. Never. If this child is being abused, if it’s on an occasional or a regular basis, for whatever reason, someone has to believe what she is saying and respond. In the meantime, do not, for any reason, allow your child to visit that home.</p>

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<p>You know, this thread makes me feel very sad. I think back to to my elementary school health classes. We were told that if we were being hit, or touched inappropriately, or verbally abused, we should tell someone. We were told that the first person we told may not believe us, the second person may not, but we should just keep telling people until someone took us seriously. As a little kid, younger than this girl, it was hard for me to believe that an adult would not take my complaint of abuse (in any form) seriously. It was hard for me to fathom that I would need to tell people over and over again in order to get someone to believe me. Well, when I was 11, I confided something in my best friend–it was a somewhat different issue than in this case (and didn’t involve my parents), but close enough. My friend told one or two of our other friends, and they talked to me about it a couple of times, though I wasn’t willing to share many details. Finally, they told our teacher, who immediately passed the message along to the correct individuals. After this, and seemingly out of the blue for me, I was confronted by my mother about it, who outright accused me of lying and making up stories. Part of the reason she accused me of lying–besides just not wanting to believe it, I guess–is that everything seemed to be normal. I got good grades, had friends, played sports, watched TV, got along with adults, got along with my family, looked happy, was energetic, and everything else you’d expect from an eleven year old. Things are not always as they seem, and you can’t fully judge a situation as an outsider by peeking in. </p>

<p>If a vulnerable eleven year old comes out with something like this for the first time, something that makes her even more vulnerable, the last thing an adult should do is jump to the conclusion that she’s lying or exaggerating. It could be the case, but before coming to that conclusion you should trust her. Child protection organizations do not break up intact families at the first cry of abuse. The girl will have the opportunity to retract what she had originally said if she was exaggerating or lying to get attention. These people are trained professionals, and they know what to do.</p>

<p>By the way, I would never try to become family friends with people after hearing from their daughter about possible abuse. That’s not good for anyone involved. What should the OP’s kid think… I tell my mom that my friend is being kicked and slapped at home, and suddenly we start inviting them over to our house for BBQs? What does that teach me? That’s not to mention the fact that you would be leaving your child in the company of a possible child-abuser. Further, dke isn’t an investigator–she can’t spy on a family to learn what’s going on. The notion is ridiculous. There are systems in place for this that work a little better and more reliably than someone judging whether everything seems to be OK from the outside.</p>

<p>EDIT: I went out for a few minutes and then posted before refreshing my screen, so I missed a bunch of posts after Chris’. Let’s just say I agree with all of them.</p>

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<p>don’t forget- having $$ and an education does not mean a person does not do bad things</p>

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<p>“Cheers, this family is very upscale…corporate relo types, well educated. I immediately liked them when we were introduced in that they seemed very invested in their kids’ education (to the point of abuse? didn’t know…) and seemed to be bright and had good senses of humor! (”</p>

<p>The family that I described where the dad was arrested for cursing at and threatening the daughter were middle class, masters degree holding, former military officers in an upscale neighborhood. I had known them for years, and had stayed overnight at their home. I also have a doctorate in psychology, and had no idea that the dad was prone to that kind of violence.</p>

<p>The mother showed me the police reports when I was staying at their home. She told me that the night before (while I staying there), the dad had tried to get into the bed with the teen-aged daughter, who was recovering from surgery, and sleeping in the parents’ bed because it was on the first floor and due to the surgery, she had problems getting into her own bed, which was on the second floor.</p>

<p>The parents apparently had had a loud argument over this, which had occurred while I was sleeping on the second floor.</p>

<p>Due to my shock about what was going on the home, the mother got into therapy and eventually left the husband.</p>

<p>The dad had had police-mandated anger management classes after the incident in which the mom had called 911.</p>

<p>As a person who grew up in a family with abuse, I know it can be next to impossible for outsiders to know if a family is abusive, so that’s why it’s important to let authorities know if a child says something indicating abuse. If the girl is lying, she needs help. If she’s not lying, she also needs help. The school has people trained to help her and to determine whether authorities should be contacted.</p>

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<p>I think that by simply relaying to the school exactly what your daughter was told does not automatically trigger any sort of reporting mechanism by the school. They are not obligated to report second (third) hand information. BUT it does allow them to follow up, or perhaps even follow through on concerns they may already have that you know nothing about.</p>

<p>I think it IS your responsibility to report exactly what transgressed. I do not think it’s your responsibility to sleuth out anymore info.</p>

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<p>First of all, IT IS DEFINATELY THE SCHOOL’S BUSINESS IS A CHILD IS BEING ABUSED IN HER HOME!!! Schools are often the only source of help a child has!
One option would be to go to the school nurse or counselor and say “What would be your advice if my child told me XY and Z about another child?” Let her advise you from there. Please do it.</p>

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<p>This is not necessarily true. At some schools, computerized grade reporting systems that parents can log into online provide information about every test and assignment on an almost-daily basis.</p>

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<p>Who’s to say they don’t smack the child based on test and HW grades as well? This mother might be hitting her child quite frequently.</p>

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<p>The real truth is that child abuse happens in every community and at every economic level. I worked in a private elementary school where the tuition was over $10,000 and there were child abuse cases. If an eleven year old is saying this, she needs help at some level or another.</p>

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<p>This is a definitely-report-to-the-school, in my opinion. They need to have a heads-up to look into this. It must be terrible for a kid to confide they’re in danger and nothing happens. Granted that foster care options can be worse than the home, doing nothing is even worse. There’s a level of detail here that a kid is less likely to have made up. The slapping, the kicking, the Dad trying to intervene. Protective services (I know it varies by state) don’t always have to remove kids–they can provide services to help a family.</p>

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<p>Why do so many people advocate telling the school? This is a public safety issue, not an educational one. If you think it needs follow-up, call the local social services department. The school has no special expertise in this area, and can’t do anything other than report it, anyway. Some school employees may have had training on how to spot an abused child, and might confirm a layman’s suspicions, but social services could do that even better. If a person is not sure enough about a situation to call the proper authorities, there is no benefit in telling the wrong ones.</p>

<p>Schools cannot remove children from a dangerous situation, cannot fully evaluate the severity of an abuse problem, and cannot take legal action against a parent. The primary goal of schools is to educate children, not promote the public safety. Why would you call a police station if your house is on fire? Call social services in your county if you are serious about doing something.</p>

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<p>WashDad makes a good point.</p>

<p>"If you suspect that a child is being abused or neglected, you should call your local Child Protective Services (CPS) agency or the CPS agency in the State in which the abuse occurred. As you identify the appropriate agency for making a report, remember the following:
Not every State has a toll free hotline, or the hotline may not operate on a 24 hour basis. </p>

<p>If a toll free (800 or 888) number is available, it may be accessible only from within that State. </p>

<p>Federal agencies have no authority to intervene in individual child abuse and neglect cases. Each State has jurisdiction over these matters, and has specific laws and procedures for reporting and investigating. In some States, all citizens are mandated reporters by State law and must report any suspicion of child abuse or neglect."</p>

<p>The site that the above comes from also lists report lines for each state: <a href=“http://pediatrics.about.com/cs/childabuse/a/reporting_abuse.htm[/url]”>http://pediatrics.about.com/cs/childabuse/a/reporting_abuse.htm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>yes, marian, this school has an online grade reporting system that can be accessed at any time and is constantly updated.</p>

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<p>Maybe you’re right, WashDad, but having worked with protective services and schools, I think schools tend to take a more nuanced approach. The main thing is that someone who can do something needs to be told. In VT, schools can do something. Maybe it’s not true in WA.</p>

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<p>In MA DSS is OBLIGATED to investigate or at least interview the family when the school makes a report. I’m not sure that this is the case with individuals. There are plenty of neighborhood feuds in which people call DSS on each other, unfortunately.
In MA, if you work in a public school and in my case at our private school, you were required to take courses on how to deal with a situation like this. The school WILL ALSO FOLLOW UP ON IT. DSS will not tell some random person what is happening with a specific case, but they will talk to the school nurse if she was the official person to report the abuse.</p>

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<p>OP, if you decide to take some sort of action, I’d suggest checking with your insurance agent to see if you have (or can get) coverage for libel and slander.</p>