<p>I asked this in another thread, but I think it is something that I don’t have a handle on yet, so wondering what other parents do:</p>
<p>If son or daughter brings home boyfriend or girlfriend, how are the sleeping arrangements made? do they share a room, does one sleep on the sofa, does having younger silbings matter, does it matter how long they have been “dating”, have parents been uncomforatble with the sharing of a room, does age matter, do the kids say, sure, sofa is fine, have there been disagreements that caused a rift? </p>
<p>As this hasn’t yet come up for me, I am just curious how others handle this…seeing some posters talking about sudden heavy romances as freshman, and long distance ones, and as this is our home, just wondering what most parents experiences have been</p>
<p>We don’t have a guest room- D has had friends sleep on the floor in her room, or they both sleep( not * together* ) in the living room.
I don’t mind if they sleep in the same room- none of the older daughters friends who have stayed over have been “more than friends”, as far as I know anyway. But I haven’t seen any indication that my perception isn’t accurate.</p>
<p>I think “not under my roof” rules create unnecessary and potentially damaging communication barrier. </p>
<p>If they are sleeping together at college, there is no point in enforcing “Purity Rules” at home. If you have a problem with them sharing the room because you don’t want to discuss this issue with the younger siblings, you can say so - your college student will appreciate your honesty, and will probably be far more cooperative.</p>
<p>I disagree with the last two posters. It is certainly acceptable to enforce separate sleeping areas for two unmarried people of any age. It’s the parents’ house. We make the rules.</p>
<p>I have always set up the guestroom and then ignored any nighttime wanderings. (But since my kids are only 14 months apart in age, the younger sibling issue didn’t apply.)</p>
<p>what if they are friends with benefits, not really a serious couple…</p>
<p>so for some, your child would not share a bed with anyone, and for others, anyone is fair game?</p>
<p>I mean if you say they can have sex in your home, does it depend on the status of the relationship? Would you allow casual hook-ups? How do you determine that line, if you allow it to be crossed in certain circumstances?</p>
<p>Most people I know can go a few days without sex, so why not in someone else’s home? Do you always have to let your kdis do what ever they want?</p>
<p>And I must say, most young mature adults would understand the discomfort of others and would ASSUME they are on the sofa or guest room of the parents home, or whatever in another family’s home…their bit of pleasure should not over ride the feelings of others, that is my take on it…</p>
<p>Oh I agree…parents make the rules in the house! Parents have every right to deny access to the house, to prohibit the kids from sleeping in the same room, etc etc. But in that situation, who’s in control? Not the parent…the parent is afraid to face the fact that he/she has failed to instill his/her values about sex in the child–because the child wants to have sex (isn’t that what this is all about?) and the parent is afraid that it’s happening.</p>
<p>Its not denying it is happening, not at all…its like drinking, kids drink get smashed at college, does a parent have to say, sure go ahead, throw up on my rug? Just because in college a kid can be noisy at 2am, does that mean they shouldn’t respect their home and their parents…</p>
<p>There is a time and a place, and courtesy and manners, and one of the biggest rules of manners is not not make others uncomfortable…and as I said, most normal people can and do refrain from sex for a few days, even a week!!!</p>
<p>so, for some, if a college kid met some one at a bar, and brought them home for the night to parents home, that is okay?</p>
<p>The conclusion isn’t that the parent should allow the stuff to happen. That would be utter capitulation and just plain stupid.
All I’m saying is, the parent should be pretty disappointed if it comes to this.</p>
<p>If the guest is the current BF/GF (I am not sure what “serious couple” means - they all seem to be “serious” till the moment they break up…), I’d allow them to decide whether or not they want to share the room (and/or the bed). </p>
<p>If it is just a “friend”, I’d set up the guest room.</p>
<p>this is my view- say I had a guest room, but if my child asked if their sig other could stay with them in their bedroom- I would probably say yes-
because I so far anyway, trust my childs judgement, and approve of her friends. If she asked to have her lover stay with her in her room, she wouldn’t do so lightly, and I respect that.
She wouldn’t be bringing "one night stands " home. To her parents house? Please.
Don’t kids have money for hotels or cars with big enough backseats anymore?</p>
<p>We’ve had to face this issue with two of our four Ds. They were both in longterm relationships and I knew that they were sleeping together while away at school. I have always had open lines of communication with my Ds and so was aware of the issue. Both spoke to me prior to the first time they brought the b/f home and I told them that I was not uncomfortable with having them share a room. I felt that it would be hypocritical of me to think it was fine if they did it elsewhere but not in their own home. It hasn’t caused a problem, for them, for my H and me, or for younger siblings. </p>
<p>When I was in college, my b/f (now H) and I were living together, although I had an apartment with some girlfriends where my mail was sent. When my parents made their weekly call to me, it was at my b/f’s apartment. We weren’t fooling anyone but we didn’t discuss it openly either. When he visited me in the summers or at holidays, he slept on the couch because that’s the way it was most comfortable for my parents. When I became a mom, I made the decision to do many things differently than my parents had done. This is just one of them.</p>
<p>I guess my feeling is that “no sex under my roof” approach is hypocritical. Everyone involved knows that things are not as they seem, and everyone is pretending that they are.</p>
<p>Not allowing drinking/drugs/random hookups in your house is NOT hypocritical. It is completely reasonable for parents to expect their kids not to be engaged in these activities in or out of their house.</p>
<p>It’s only hypocritical if you’re against the idea of your kid having sex, yet you know your kid is having sex while away at college. If you aren’t fine with your child having sex anywhere, then banning it in the house is stupid…probably not hypocritical but still stupid because your child is already having sex. It would be much more productive to just talk to them about it because a grown kid isn’t going to stop having sex when mommy makes a house rule. It’s not going to fix anything. Stopping sex in the home is fine if your justification is not “sex is bad.” The justification ought to be something more practical.</p>
<p>If you’re fine with the concept of your child having sex, and you’re just banning sex in the home because it makes you uncomfortable (siblings around, you or they might walk in on it, etc.) then there’s certainly nothing wrong with that.</p>
<p>At that point, you are not sanctioning anything. You are just accepting their choices and their lives as they are.</p>
<p>If you think that this behavior is sinful and inappropriate, I guess you’ve failed as a parent to instill in your children the values that are so important to you.</p>
<p>If you think that this behavior is normal and expected, but you’d rather pretend it’s not happening - well, it’s your “right” to enforce whatever rules you wish in your house, but it will distance your child from you, and create a communication barrier.</p>
<p>Hmm, I’m probably taking a bit of a weird stance on this given that I’m a college student who has been in that situation - but I think that if it’s your house, you get to make the rules. </p>
<p>My parents are completely aware that my boyfriend and I sleep together at college. But when he stays over at my house, it’s an unwritten rule that we sleep in seperate bedrooms. It’s a privilege to have your parents allow your bf/gf to sleep over, not a right. That being so, they get to call the shots. </p>
<p>It hasn’t caused any kind of ‘communication barrier’ between us and my parents. It was stated, right from the first time I brought him home, that we would sleep seperately. I think a barrier can only occur if parents suddenly change their stance for no apparent reason. But if it’s clear what the rules are right from the start, then it’s up to the kid to either adhere to them or sleep elsewhere.</p>