<p>I have not been in this situation (oldest is senior college daughter, next is freshman son) but would not allow either to sleep with the opposite sex in our house. I realize I’m old fashioned but I would feel very uncomfortable with that. I have raised my kids to believe that I think pre-marital sex is wrong, so why in the world would I say, “Hey, but as long as you’re happy, you can do it here too?” Not that I would disown them for it, but I certainly wouldn’t encourage it. And it would be much easier facing them at the breakfast table and asking, “And how did you sleep?”</p>
<p>I’m inclined to let my S sleep with a girl he brought home on a school break, However…</p>
<p>His old bedroom is just off the family room (separated by a short hall) and is just next to his younger brother’s bedroom. I’d think everyone would know what was going on, and that might make everyone uncomfortable.</p>
<p>My house, my rules.</p>
<p>I’m not in favor of pre-marital sex, but I am also a realist. When they’re out of the house, the kids can do as they like (and act appropriately, I hope), but under my roof, I don’t care to hear squeaky bed frames, thanks.</p>
<p>I find it somewhat odd that the automatic assumption is that two people sharing the same bed will automatically be having sex in it…?</p>
<p>My parents and my fiance’s parents handle the situation differently. At my home, we are expected to sleep apart, although on FI’s last visit, he was allowed to sleep on an airbed on my floor.</p>
<p>At his parents’, we sleep in the same bed. We have never, for the record, done anything on that bed that I wouldn’t mind doing with the door open! Of course, we spend more time with his parents than with mine, and when we’re spending the weekend at their ski condo with them, it’s either sleep together or sleep on the kitchen table. :)</p>
<p>It’s not hypocritical for your child to have respect for your feelings on the subject, regardless of what they may be doing elsewhere. Seems to me this is the essence of good communication and consideration for others, not the reverse.</p>
<p>“I find it somewhat odd that the automatic assumption is that two people sharing the same bed will automatically be having sex in it…?”</p>
<p>For most parents who categorically oppose the idea of BF/GF sharing the bedroom, it does not matter what you actually do there. It’s the idea that they are giving you this “approval” by letting you sleep together. I am sure that “squeaky bed frames” would not be an issue in vast majority of the cases - the kids would be just as mortified by the possibility of being heard as the parents are.</p>
<p>I think allowing kids to decide on their sleeping arrangements shows that you respect their maturity and their choices. That respect goes both ways. They will appreciate it and probably act more responsibly/appropriately than if they feel like they have to sneak around.</p>
<p>From molliebatmit:
“Of course, we spend more time with his parents than with mine” - surprise, surprise!</p>
<p>My daughter and I had the sleeping arrangement discussion just recently and I think that she was surprised at my having no problem with the sharing of a room if the relationship is the real deal - one of whatever her definition is of emotional commitment and one of some duration. </p>
<p>I did thoroughly gross her out by asking if she was comfortable with her father’s and my sexuality and after hearing the big “Ewwww!” pointed out that we feel somewhat uncomfortable with her’s as well. I felt rather pleased that she wanted to discuss it. It was a very grown up moment between the two of us. </p>
<p>If she is anything like her Mom and Dad nothing much will be going on with the parentals sleeping nearby anyway. In 30 years of marriage there has been very little action when visiting either set of in-laws. Too weird.</p>
<p>I would have been much more uncomfortable if I were discussing this issue with a 17 year old who had just started college. At 21 I felt that I was dealing with an adult.</p>
<p>Well, mollie, you’re not really the kind of person this thread is referring to…you’re more mature and a little older, and it’s your fiancee, not some random college boyfriend!</p>
<p>Neither of my kids, 22 and 26, have brought home “hook-ups”; instead they’ve brought home serious bfs/gfs, so it was fine with us for them to share a bedroom. </p>
<p>I can understand that if parents are not comfortable with the arrangement, requesting separate bedrooms. But remember these are young adults, so I would suggest, if you want to keep the open communication with and respect from your kids, that you make it a request. “My way or the highway”?–my parents tried that with my H and me when we were bf/gf 36 years ago. Just made the forbidden sex hotter!</p>
<p>Well, I guess I’ll dip a toe in these roiling waters. My college senior daughter has been with the same guy since October of her freshman year. I could not sit down and design a better potential son-in-law, and I’ll be surprised if we don’t hear some kind of marriage announcement in the next year or so. </p>
<p>For the first year and a half or so, it was always the guest room for him. At some point after that, when our house was truly overloaded with family guests at Thanksgiving or Christmas, I just told them to take over the third floor–which has two small bedrooms and a bath–when they visit.</p>
<p>Since then, whether they are at our house or with us on vacation, they share a room. It wouldn’t have felt right during the first year or so; but three years into this relationship, it wouldn’t feel right to force them into seperate sleeping quarters, either. It would feel artificial, unnatural. He feels like a part of the family, and they feel very much like a committed couple. I’m not so naive as to think that there may not have been some boinking going on, but at this point, their relationship is clearly about a lot more than that.</p>
<p>I would not allow a “hook-up” in my house, but adult children sleeping with committed long-term partners doesn’t fall under that definition, IMO.</p>
<p>
I agree with Allmusic.</p>
<p>I would feel the same way as driver under those circumstances.</p>
<p>I do think the duration of the relationship and the age of the kids is important…my Niece is 30 and living for several years with BF, and they act like an old married couple, but my Nephew, who is going to be a freshman in college, if he brought his GF to our house, well, she would be with my Ds, in their rooms, he would be on the sofa…the GF is a year older than my Ds., so I would set the boundaries…my nephew would most likely put his stuff on the sofa anyway…</p>
<p>ps- My neice would not presume the co-ed room, she would ask, and offer the forever-fiance the sofa…</p>
<p>So it doens’t have to be an all or nothing…but I do think if a person has certain standards in their home, they should be respected, or the guests can get a hotel room…</p>
<p>My girls would not NOTHING to freak daddy out…</p>
<p>I’d put that in a different category as well, driver. I’m not THAT much of a prude!</p>
<p>My parents used to kick my younger brother out of his room and make him sleep on the couch when my boyfriend came to visit. After a few years, they surprised me by letting my boyfriend sleep in my room – on a mattress on the floor, but in my room nonetheless.</p>
<p>We openly communicate about what I’m up to, so it’s not as if there was any doubt how committed the relationship was. They’ve never been against pre-marital sex, but that’s not even the point of it – they are acknowledging the committment my boyfriend and I have. I guess it’s a little different in that everyone in my family is touchy-feely, too; everyone knows how comfortable it is to share space with another human being, so that’s what sharing the room is about.</p>
<p>I do have to reiterate what a few other parents have already said – I think that for a lot of kids, the idea of doing anything with the parents nearby (I share a bedroom wall with them in my house) is squicky.</p>
<p>College student here: My college bf and I live together (been together for 2 years, living for 1) and when we go to his house we are made to sleep in separate rooms. My parents could care less, and make up the guest room for us as it has the larger bed. I think it is a matter of age, length of relationship, siblingings, and most important how comfortable the parents are. I don’t argue with his parents because it is “their house, their rules.” Staying with them for a couple weeks in a separate room from him can be odd, because we do act like the “married couple” as all our friends put it!</p>
<p>Well, how about that, driver, something that we can agree on! :)</p>
<p>When my kids were little, we sometimes spent weekends at my MIL’s BF’s shore cottage in VA. So, they learned early on that grandma shared a bed with a guy she wasn’t married to. When they got a little older, we started doing a vacation with all H’s family at the shore every year. When their young, hip aunts were involved in serious relationships, rooms were shared.</p>
<p>So, now that they’re adults, I’d treat them the same as Grandma, the aunts, and anyone else in a serious relationship. This summer, at the annual family vacation, when D’s bf came for a night, he stayed with her. (we’re talking young people in their mid-twenties here.) No big deal was made, and with the size of the house, no one who wasn’t paying close attention would’ve noticed. it was a non-issue.</p>
<p>If they’re in a relationship, they are welcome to sleep together in my house. It is somewhat weird to be visiting your GF/Bfs parents, so I imagine the GF/BF will be somewhat uncomfortable -and I want my guests to be comfortable! Allowing GF/BF to sleep in the same room with my college-age kids will give them some together space, and time to decompress in private - which will make the visit so much more enjoyable and comfortable for all. Sex in my house? meh. If they do, fine, but I bet not much will go on…</p>
<p>
Oh dear, I didn’t think about how that would sound before I posted it. I meant more that his parents are around us more, and are therefore more comfortable with the idea that we’re in a long-term relationship – my parents have met him comparatively fewer times and are less used to the idea of us being together.</p>
<p>Haha, my parents live 800 miles away and his parents live 30 miles away – we don’t visit his parents more because they let us sleep in the same room. :)</p>
<p>
Well, he hasn’t been my fiance forever! We haven’t been back to my parents’ house since we’ve been engaged, so I don’t know what the arrangements will be now.</p>
<p>I guess my major beef with the way my parents have handled the situation is that I’m used to sleeping with him now – it’s harder for me to get to sleep when I’m by myself. I don’t want to do anything hot and heavy, I just want somebody there to snuggle. :)</p>
<p>My kids and I are pretty open with regard to sexual activity. In short, I know who’s been up to what <em>lol</em>, not only for my OWN kids, but also for some of my son’s friends who choose to confide in me or ask me for advice. 
Not sure why, but people tend to confide in me??</p>
<p>I told my son looooooooooooooooooong ago that if he did HIS part to finish school and grad school/med school/law school or whatever he chose to do, it would be GROSSLY unfair (and unrealistic) of me to expect him to not be sexually active until marriage. He has been with the same LOVELY girl for two years. She is bright, sensible, realistic, and VERY supportive of my son and his aspirations. I do not have an issue with their sleeping together either at our house or at hers. </p>
<p>We have had open discussion, and I have expressed my concern for the safety and future of both my son and his gf. He understands this fully, and they both behave very responsibly.</p>
<p>Whereas I thought I might be concerned because we have five younger children, I find that I am not. First of all, we have three boys and three girls, and for many, many years, some of my boys have shared rooms with their some of their sisters. My kids think ABSOLUTELY nothing of boys and girls sleeping in the same room. As a matter of fact, last night, my 11-year-old daughter, who shares a room with her 15-year-old sister, asked her 8-year-old brother to sleep in her room when her sister was out spending the night. They just like the company!</p>
<p>In addition, we have had times when whole groups have “camped” together…all of my kids, various bf’s/gf’s and friends. My kids don’t consider it taboo for people of the opposite sex to sleep in the same room, nor do they automatically interpret the arrangement as something sexual.</p>
<p>I am VERY fortunate in that my oldest child has set a fine example in EVERY way. The other siblings have a GREAT deal of respect for him and try to emulate his upstanding behavior, and for that, I am very thankful. He’s made our job as parents MUCH easier. Because of that, I allow him privileges commensurate with his responsibilities and have NO qualms in doing so.</p>
<p>My children show a HUGE amount of respect for me, primarily because I do not make arbitrary or capricious rules or hold unrealistic expectations. If I <em>DO</em> absolutely put my foot down at something, they have never defied me. And in return, I attempt to treat them with the consideration and respect that they have earned. </p>
<p>This is just not a buzz issue for me, though I certainly DO have some other ones. I will say, though, that I totally respect others with different viewpoints on this and would never accuse them of doing anything “wrong” by not allowing this. To each his own.</p>
<p>~berurah</p>