<p>I would feel uncomfortable with my college aged offspring sharing a bed in my home with a romantic partner. That would put me in the position of knowing too much about their personal lives. Consequently, they’d have separate beds. What they’d do when I wasn’t around, though, would be their business, and I’d go out of my way not to show up in a way that could surprise them.</p>
<p>Guess I’ll just have to wait for the situation to arise to see how we handle it. As I was reading the posts though I was struck with the thought that I have a religous reason for believing pre-marital sex is wrong and maybe these others don’t, okay. Like I said, I would love and forgive and understand if my kids had it but according to my beliefs, it’s wrong. But then I thought, isn’t it wrong in other religons? I realize it’s not in the ten commandments but isn’t there something about the sanctitiy of marriage in all religons? And if that’s true why is it that everyone is so understanding and kind of non-chalant about it, as if not only is pre-marital sex okay, but it’s expected. </p>
<p>I really am not trying to say that anyone that feels differently then me is doomed to hell or even that I really care what happens in your home, but is this now okay in mainstream religons? Not sleeping in the same room as someone of the opposite sex, but pre-marital sex itself. Or is this something that it’s just so normal that the religous angle isn’t even thought of or doesn’t matter? Again, I am not trying to ruffle feathers but is this okay with pastors, ministers, fathers, etc. now? I feel fairly ignorant about it.</p>
<p>Kathiep, premarital sex isn’t really a religious issue, and if you read through these posts you’ll see that all sorts of parents (who knows if they’re religious or not) are for and against premarital sex. Who knows if these people follow mainstream religions? Even if they do…who said premarital sex had to become a religious issue? Even just considering it a religious issue is an opinion in itself. That’s all I’m saying.
I belong to a mainstream religion (well, it’s not unheard of, but it’s not one of the big three either) and while there is nothing specifically said about premarital sex…you just don’t do casual hookups. That’s for certain. Beyond that, it’s open to interpretation, I think,
Anyway, views on sex have changed a lot from the days of the ten commandments. Even if there were specific statements about it in the Bible…maybe they need updating (kind of like that rule about not going near women on their period)? Who knows. It’s personal choice.</p>
<p>kathiep, you’re not alone out there. I feel the same way, although I recognize that there’s not much I can do about how my kids behave when they are at school. My concern is on many levels – emotional maturity, jumping into a sexual relationship before they really know one another, risks of pregnancy or STDs. And it’s against our faith. So, I’m not about to act like it’s just fine, and we’re all adults here. For the same reason, I don’t allow my son to drink at home, although he may have tried something at school. He’s underage, and we respect the law.</p>
<p>B4 – I just wanted to add that sex outside of marriage IS against the basic doctrine of a variety of faiths.</p>
<p>I have similar experiences and opinion with berurah, especially the just because someone is sleeping in your room or even in your bed does not mean you are having sex with them. </p>
<p>Say you don’t allow you child to sleep with their sig other while they are in college, but what about after college?
Say they come to your home in 5 years to visit for the holidays?</p>
<p>Will you only expect a say when you are helping financially as with college, or will you expect them to get a hotel or sleep seperately even after they are no longer receiving financial contributions</p>
<p>Perhaps I have a more tolerant viewpoint because my daughter has been staying over at friends houses, and they here for years, both male and female. Never anything inappropriate. I also don’t think that sharing a room means that there is a sexual relationship.
I have had enough male friends, that I have slept with- camped etc., even sometimes shared a bed, and we didn’t have sex- or a sexual relationship.
Sometimes sleeping is just * sleeping*</p>
<p>I’m another parent who is ok with it, at least in the context of a committed relationship. I honestly don’t see it as an issue.</p>
<p>
Me too…totally.</p>
<p>"I realize it’s not in the ten commandments but isn’t there something about the sanctitiy of marriage in all religons? "</p>
<p>The sanctity may not be what you think it should be. For instance, in some cultures and religions, it’s considered appropriate for males to have multiple wives. </p>
<p>There also are religions that don’t consider marriage to be necessary for a person to be able to have sex. Even some Christians believe this, and can be following their faiths while having a monogamous sexual relationship even though they are not married.</p>
<p>This is a really interesting thread. My parents and I have never talked about their rules or preferences about my sex life. All I know is that I wasn’t allowed to date until I turned 15 (or 16 if I broke this rule), but I’m 17 now and haven’t exercised my right. (I’m a winner!:D:p) </p>
<p>I have gone to an extended (3-day) co-ed sleepover, but the host family was in very good standing with my family (my mother and the father of the family are coworkers, both high school teachers) and very upright when it comes to morals. We girls were expected to abide by the dress code set by the hosts’ religion at their house (for example, no spaghetti-straps), and the girls slept on the opposite side of the house than the boys. We went and dropped in on the boys on the first morning and were reprimanded for it (or rather, were told that we wouldn’t be doing that sort of thing again), but there was absolutely no danger of anything happening with a capital H–we brought the two-year-old brother of the family along with us for the wake-up call, for Pete’s sake! 
</p>
<p>As far as my family goes… well, I’ve sort of discussed my post-high school graduation plans with my mom in terms of guys. She recommends not getting involved with a boyfriend in high school, though she did when she was a senior (I know nothing about her premarital sex life, except that she did indeed have boyfriends before my dad), but I plan to spend a year abroad before college and I half-joked that while I’m living in Norway I’ll pick up a “ruggedly handsome Norwegian boyfriend” and backpack around Europe with him, and she told me to make sure he likes to travel and speaks the languages that I don’t speak so that we can visit more countries without a language barrier. So I don’t tend to think she’s too upset by the idea of me spending lots of unsupervised quality time with a future boyfriend! :p</p>
<p>A I said before: my house, my rules. To me, the only truly committed relationship I wanted my kids to see in terms of bed-sharing were married couples.</p>
<p>This did mean that my 30 year old brother and his equally adult fiancee did stay in a separate rooms at not just my house with a then-impressionable teenager, but at my parents’ as well.</p>
<p>I agree with “my house-my rules” policy. That said, two people ( of age) in a serious relationship sleeping together-not a problem in my eyes.</p>
<p>my viewpoint of kids sharing rooms evolved over time
Just as before I had kids, it never even occured to me to have a baby sleep with its parents, I also never thought about their having friends over that were of opposite sex.</p>
<p>The oldest had friends over night and she has stayed at their homes since she was young- one of her best friends lived next door ( he was a boy ayear older) and they would take turns spending the night.</p>
<p>They had regular overnights in elementary school, and parent chaperones ( both male and female) shared cabins with the kids- When she was in middle school, she went on a school backpacking trip ( in november) and it rained so hard her tent collapsed and they had to squeeze in with the boys tent. In high school, they would again have coed overnights ( cast parties at hosted homes) although on school camping trips, the tents were split by sex.
Of course when she was at the end of junior year, she came out to her dad and I ( she was already out to her class at school). That pretty much put all her past overnights into perspective.
So I was really confused!
Was it ok for her now to stay over nights at her friends houses that were boys but not girls?</p>
<p>
nngmm, if they are doing drugs at college, would you have the same attitude of that activity under your roof, especially with younger children in the home?</p>
<p>I think not…I hope not !!!</p>
<p>Drugs are illegal, sleeping in the same room(last I heard) is not.</p>
<p>And in the real world, where some parents are not control freaks, my mother has no problem with my girlfriend staying over in the same room (or in the same bed.) If it’s happening at college, why would she ban it here? My mom likes my girlfriend and wants her to be closer to the family (I have been dating the girl for over a year and a half now.) All that enforcing purity rules would accomplish would be the g/f coming to visit my family less and/or me coming to visit my family less due to g/f complications.</p>
<p>Wisely, as my mom has never been a control freak, my mom allows 2 consenting committed adults to make their own decisions as to if they are going to sleep in the same bed or not.</p>
<p>30 years ago my parents and their friends probably (maybe) were discussing this about us, right? So my parents rule was: no going away with boyfriend to his family summer house even if his parents and sibs were there; no boyfriend sleeping in our house; no boyfriend sleeping in my room in grad school after he and my father had moved us in…</p>
<p>So what did I do, I snuck away and joined boyfriend and parents at their beach house…boyfriend told my dad that he wasn’t going to stay in the frat house after all! </p>
<p>We have a younger child at home and she is of an age of burgeoning awareness such that privacy is a big issue at our place. The problem with guests-- in general, not just guests who are SO’s— is that it challenges the privacy norms in a home. Given her age, I would elect to designate separate rooms, but would assume that they will do what we did, and just find a way if they are so inclined, to have the privacy they want. If I did not have a younger sib or tween at home, I would let them just share a room if that is what they wanted to do. </p>
<p>The irony of Northstarmom’s comment “That would put me in the position of knowing too much about their personal lives”-- is that they, of course, don’t really want to know too much about our personal lives either!!!</p>
<p>Interesting. they used to call it parenting, now it’s called being a control freak</p>
<p>“Wisely, as my mom has never been a control freak, my mom allows 2 consenting committed adults to make their own decisions as to if they are going to sleep in the same bed or not.”</p>
<p>What you call being a “control freak” is adults making rules for their own house that match their values. Believe it or not, many adults do not support unmarried people having sex, and, consequently, such adults don’t allow in their homes unmarried people to sleep together. Unmarried people who wish to sleep together are welcome to make alternative arrangments for shelter.</p>
<p>Personally, I think it’s fine for unmarried adults to have sex, but I respect the right of people who think otherwise to set corresponding rules for their own homes. I don’t see them as being control freaks: Just supporting their own values.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, in my own home, I would not feel comfortable with having my offspring share a bed with someone whom they are not engaged to. That’s my right, too.</p>
<p>Obviously parents have different parenting styles.
I have tried to develop an internal structure within my kids, so that even if the external structure isn’t there, they have a guiding force.</p>
<p>From my vantage point , for our family, and the personalities of my kids, it is working pretty well.</p>
<p>My oldest is graduated from college, has a job and roommates that she likes and seems to be very happy.</p>
<p>Another girl the same age, but with a more passive temprament, and parents who have more of an authoritarian parenting style, did manage to graduate from a very good college with very good grades, but didn’t get into graduate school as she had hoped, and has been living with her parents since graduation over a year ago. She did manage to find a job, to help pay for her loans, but aside from going to work, she rarely ventures from her room.
The combination of a more low key temprament, which possibly was exacerbated by the authoritarian ( or if you like “control freak”) parenting, seems to have contributed to a young woman who has difficulty seperating any goals from that of her parents</p>
<p>To get it back to guests overnight issues, I was wondering what more conservative parents would do in my situation.
Which was to learn when my child was in high school that she was gay.
Would you then forbid any overnight trips with friends at all?</p>
<p>emeraldkity4 you are making a lot of assumptions about someone else’s parenting there…let’s just say that every Adult parent or not can make their own decisions about their own home and leave it at that. At the end of the day, we are all doing the best that we can.</p>