<p>I think that all threads such as this work best when people simply answer the basic question: “what do you do?” without passing judgement on other people’s answers. Such threads can be interesting and instructive.</p>
<p>I think it is an easy way out to say we are doing the best we can.
I admit obviously that not everyone is capable of living apart from their parents, even if they are 24 years old and have a college degree.
But in this case, I do think that the parenting style combined with the personality of the child contributed over time ( I have known this young woman since her birth) to making her more passive rather than independent.</p>
<p>Haven’t had to face this directly yet. What my parents (with a big old house) used to do was to assign everyone to different rooms on the third floor, put their suitcases in the proper rooms, and then not do bedchecks. They discussed that policy with me when I was in high school – I understood it was their way of emphasizing the importance to them of marriage, but that they were not going to police how guests spent their time. However, sometime during my college years a particularly crowded Thanksgiving, where the room arrangements would only “work” if one long-term, graduate-school couple were housed together, effectively ended that policy as a fixed rule.</p>
<p>I never brought girlfriends home during college. (High school was another matter, but the bedroom was off-limits if parents were home. Not the basement, though.) The only “girlfriend” who ever stayed in our house was my now-wife. The first time she came, we were assigned separate (adjacent, isolated) bedrooms. The next time, several years later, we were 25 and engaged. We had lived together for two years, although at that point we were in separate cities and seeing each other only on occasional weekends. I think I told my parents that I would be a lot less interested in visiting if we couldn’t share a room (kids have some leverage, too, it turns out).</p>
<p>With my 20-year-old daughter, there haven’t been any boyfriends. A couple of times a boy crashed at our house as part of a larger group, but I think the boy gladly opted for her brother’s spare bed. If there WERE a boyfriend, my attitude would probably depend on age/length of relationship/stability, etc., with a presumption that he would be sleeping with her brother for at least the first visit, but I’ll cross that bridge when it comes to me.</p>
<p>A close, but platonic female friend of my 17-year-old son’s has stayed with us for a few days while her family was away on several occasions over the years. She has always been assigned to my daughter’s room (which is now mostly unoccupied). At her house, my son would definitely sleep in her younger brother’s room. Several years ago, we WOULD check on them when she stayed over, at the girl’s mother’s request, but the last few times no request has been made and no checking was done. I suspect that she has spent some nights in the spare bed in my son’s room, if they fell asleep talking. I would feel a little differently about this if I thought it was a romantic relationship, though (differently in both directions – happy for them, but not willing to sanction same-bed sleepovers at their age).</p>
<p>I think the parents should make the sleeping arrangements in the home.
If you do not feel comfortable with the kids sleeping together, you should be open and express your opinion. I slept with my boyfriends in college, but
repected my mother’s wishes at home. My husband and I are fairly liberal
with limits that are known to both of our kids (ages 17 and 11). Our daughter,
who graduates in May 2007, is actually more conservative than we are.</p>
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<p>Yes, I agree!!</p>
<p>^^^Agree also Tutu. My children and I have had fairly open communication regarding sex. They discussed when they became sexually active, we discussed precautions and respect of the partner. We have talked about how sex tremendously complicates young relationships. Even though I know what they may be engaging in away from home, I do not condone it under my roof. I don’t think that is hippo-critical as also through our discussions they are aware that my opinion/feeling is that sexually intimate relationships are much better left for couple who are in a committed long-term relationship.</p>
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This is part of my problem. How committed can they be after a year of college? </p>
<p>When H and I were engaged, we went camping with my family. There wasn’t enough room in the trailer for me, so I slept in a tent with H. (Also, a 2 year old nephew – you can bet that nothing happened!!!) My parents were right out of the dark ages about unmarried couples sleeping together, but I guess they were O.K. under the circumstances.</p>
<p>EK: Open up your mind to try to include the fact that “conservative parent” does not automatically equate with “homophobic.” :)</p>
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<p>My opinion also. Which is why even though my kids still talk to me and I try to advise (particularly in relation to impact on emotional and physical health), we also have agreed to disagree—but they wouldn’t flaunt it in my face either.</p>
<p>When my oldest was engaged–they slept apart when visiting. Honestly, at that point I wouldn’t have had a problem with it. But as H. pointed out did we want to “open that door” with younger sibs in the house who might have later said “but I love so and so just as much, a ring doesn’t make a difference”?</p>
<p>I love the people who come out of the woodwork and say that “control freak” used to be called “parenting” - a thinly veiled assault on my mother, saying she in fact, does not “parent” well. ********. She’s just a realist, that’s all. My mom and I are very close, having been the only people each other had during a rough divorce and during some very turbulent times with my grandparents. As a result, I have a better connection with my mom than (I’d wager) a lot of children. She may not conform to your values and authoritarian thinking about how to raise children, but she’s not posting in the “How do I get my son to call?” thread. ;)</p>
<p>Earth to neverborn – it’s not always about you. 
The thread is debating a particular topic - people are offering their own perspectives on this issue. Unless I missed it, no one has made derogatory comments about your mother.</p>
<p>Page 4 to sjmom: After I said my mother was not of the control freak persuasion, someone commented that “What you call control freak, we call parenting” or something of that stripe.</p>
<p>Our (stated) position:</p>
<p>This is our house, and we have every right to feel comfortable in our own home. We are not comfortable with you sharing a room with BF/GF here, so you will be sleeping in separate rooms.</p>
<p>No control issues here, except for the assertion of our right to “control” our own home environment.</p>
<p>Now, I can easily foresee situations in the future where we may not feel so strongly, but that’s our position for the college years.</p>
<p>Be grateful they’re only coming home with one.</p>
<p>(Whether married people should be sleeping together should be open to question. ;))</p>
<p>*EK: Open up your mind to try to include the fact that “conservative parent” does not automatically equate with “homophobic.” *</p>
<p>where is this coming from?</p>
<p>Mafool: Do you have a problem with said offspring coming home less often as a result, or with said offspring sharing a hotel room instead?</p>
<p><to get=“” back=“” to=“” guests=“” overnight=“” issues,=“” i=“” was=“” wondering=“” what=“” more=“” conservative=“” parents=“” would=“” do=“” in=“” my=“” situation.=“” which=“” learn=“” when=“” child=“” school=“” that=“” she=“” gay.=“” you=“” then=“” forbid=“” any=“” trips=“” with=“” friends=“” at=“” all?=“”></to></p>
<p>Sorry if I misinterpreted you. You seemed to single out the “more conservative parents” for comment about your daughter’s situation as if you were expecting a different answer from the answer they gave about their straight child.</p>
<p>I just meant more “conservative” parents than me. ( not conservative as equated with spare the rod spoil the child, tobacco chewing, barefoot and pregnant doing the dishes sort of conservative)</p>
<p>I had already said that I basically didn’t change anything, but I also kind of felt like I was blindsided, and didn’t have a way to deal with it.
I am coming from an area where kids have overnights, while many wouldn’t necessarily have co-ed overnights, it isn’t unusual to have one or more kids sleep over starting in elementary school ,all the way through high school.
My youngest daughter for example stays overnight at a friends house at least several times a month.</p>
<p>I understand that parents often are not comfortable with having “friends” over if they are of the opposite sex, & I respect that, that is their decision, even if the “kids” are adults.</p>
<p>But, did they allow any overnights at all? Did they have sleepovers before the kids were in college & would that change if they discovered that their kids was homosexual/ or if one of their friends was?</p>
<p>While I didn’t jump up and down in excitement when I found out my daughter was gay, I hope I didn’t freak out about it too much either.
But frankly, I also was surprised, and it really hadn’t occurred to me.
I just thought that she wasn’t boycrazy like her mom was in high school, and I was really, really grateful :)</p>
<p>She was always really busy with schoolwork and friends and ponies, I just figured ponies were taking the place of boys for a while, like they do for many girls. I didn’t change of the rules re: overnights, but if she had been younger, I might have had alot more angst about it.</p>
<p>I also know though that some of younger Ds friends come from cultures where they don’t have kids overnight, and they never can come here, and she never goes there, overnight anyway.</p>
<p>So I guess I also was wondering, I thought it was more common , are having sleepovers a regional thing?</p>
<p>This thread just reminded me of probably the best-ever scene from any prime-time TV program (Cybil Shepard and Bruce Willis in “Moonlighting”). No, I am not drawing comparisons to any posters, in all seriousness. Stream of consciousness and a sense of humor do this to me.
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<p>EK: I consider myself conservative in relation to some parents here. I would not feel comfortable having my son have his girlfriend sleep in his bed in my house while he is in college. However, I do know that he’s had many overnight visits with his girlfriend freshman and sophomore year (when his gf was at a different school). His present girlfriend is at the same school. Who knows what goes on? Who wants to know? I figure, you try to instill your own values in your kids, but when they’re 18 they’re adults and, frankly, I’m happy my kid has had two “serious” girlfriends, and not a series of random “hook-ups.” If that were the case, I would worry.</p>
<p>Nevertheless, not in my house–simply because it would make me too uncomfortable. I know it’s hard for some people to compute, but there it is!</p>
<p>My son lived in a coed dorm for the first two years of college (coed floors, as a matter of fact). He also slept overnight with a number of kids on prom nights in high school (this being high school, there was parental supervision). Regarding each of these, I didn’t worry (much :)). Again, you’ve either guided your kid’s values by that age, or you haven’t. </p>
<p>If my kid were gay, therefore, I wouldn’t worry about single-sex overnights either. I also wouldn’t want her/him sleeping with his/her lover in his/her room at home either.</p>
<p>So gay or straight, it’s the same answer!</p>