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<strong><em>THUMBS WAY UP</em></strong> Yep, I think we’re very similar in our parenting styles/attitudes, and I’ll just take that as compliment 
as I think you are a GREAT mom! ~berurah</p>
<p>Our history:I Lived with husband prior to marraige–resulting in a 25+year and counting marraige. At the time, this arrangement resulted in my parents not speaking to us (we were 25 and 30 at the time, I was in med school) for a year, and we didn’t know whether they would show to the wedding until my sister called a few days before to “alert me.” His folks were actually very supportive, and commented to his then divorced sister that this arrangement probably was a better arrangement than hers had been (they did not live together, did not get to know each other, and once married realized they were never really compatable.) But when we visited his parents house, it was separate rooms, and we respected this. Once, a Christmas at his Grandma’s house-- where beds/sofa’s were short–resulted in my sharing a room and bed with his mom, and he sharing a room with his dad. It was a rather fun holiday, lots of bonding, and we talk about it to this day, </p>
<p>In our home, it will be separate rooms if there are younger siblings in the home, and maybe even if not. There will not be bed checks. We do currently have the luxury of a guest room. Not so sure I would be so inflexible if we did not as to put my husband with a BF ala “Grandma’s House!” It would all depend… :)</p>
<p>SJMom, berurah: Keep up the good work. Arbitrary and irrational rules/ultimatums are unacceptable as they are the easy way out of responsible parenting. Personally, I feel that rules against underage drinking are some of the most arbitrary and irrational, although the way you put it, you have laid down that rule with a good foundation. I’m not in your child’s shoes, so I don’t know. But you both are right: NO good comes of “Don’t (or do) X or (Y)!” Ruling from fear only results in rebellion. In addition, ruling from fear and ruling from respect are mutually exclusive - no child respects a tyrannical parent they are afraid of.</p>
<p>Well, neverborn, I don’t know how anyone can raise a child without saying, “Don’t do X or Y.” I did plenty of that when they were young. It’s just that when they reach a certain age, that’s less effective.</p>
<p>I meant adolescent, really.</p>
<p>Also to consider is if there are younger sibs around. No need for them to be exposed to that. I can’t imagine wanting to share a room with a BF at his parents’ house. I"d feel very uncomfortable about that.</p>
<p>Berurah: what the difference between an absolute and an ultimatum?</p>
<p>I agree with you about curfews–my idea was always that I needed to know where they were.</p>
<p>I’ve been dating my boyfriend for six years now (he’s currently in his second year of law school) and we’ve had various sleep-overs throughout the years. Never at his house or my house as we both live 10 minutes apart from each other, but we have slept over at each others apartments when we were away at school and neither of our parents had a problem with it. </p>
<p>Just out of curiosity, would you parents who don’t allow boyfriends/girlfriends to sleep over be alright with someone who is just a friend sleeping over? I mean, I have a boyfriend yet I sleep over at other guy-friends houses and nobody bats an eye… (I sleep in guest rooms, on couches, or my friends will give up their bed and sleep somewhere else)… which is completely fine by my boyfriend and my parents.</p>
<p>Just curious if you guys allow that sort of thing.</p>
<p>From what we hear, D & boyfriend do sleep over in each other’s rooms during the school yr. He is scheduled to visit CA after Xmas and is welcome to stay with us…but in a separate bedroom from D. 
We have no qualms about visiting friends and staying with them…D has done that many times.</p>
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Oh, there is a BIG difference in my book. An absolute, to me, is a rule that I am unyielding on–one that I adhere to strictly and one on which I will not compromise. It is one of my “I mean business” rules. If one of these rules is broken, there will be consequences. Now, that said, I have to be perfectly honest here and say that I’ve NEVER had one of these rules broken, so I can’t honestly say how this would play out. In our family, the way things have worked is that I have garnered enough respect from my children that they would feel MUCH, MUCH more disappointed in themselves than even <em>I</em> would be in them if they broke one of my “absolute” rules. And no doubt they’d fess up pretty quickly out of sheer self-inflicted guilt. ;)</p>
<p>An ULTIMATUM is, IMHO, a THREAT that a parent makes that involves an exaggerated and unreasonable consequence for an errant action on the part of a child. The consequence is not commensurate with the action, and the parent’s wish to “control” triggers an irresponsible and psyche-damaging reaction that negatively impacts the parent-child relationship. I have never used this, nor would I ever; however, that is NOT to say that I am a permissive parent and do not hold to any absolute rules---- because I DO. I just don’t choose to do irreparable damage to my relationships with my children if I ever end up being defied, as will surely happen sooner or later.</p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>When confronted with this, we would let our son make the decision…together in his room or the guest room for her. We have a very good relationship with our son that we are almost sure that he would consider our view on this matter. No big deal for us in letting him make the decision. Giving him the option in decision making matters within the family always works to our favor.</p>
<p>ellendhan–
I agree. When our daughter brought a bf home, she asked us if it would bother us if he slept in the room. We were pleased she thought about our feelings. And then we could affirm our trust and faith in her by being agreeable.</p>
<p>That’s exactly how it went at our house this summer. And y’know what else? The door stayed open the entire time.</p>
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So, did you get a good show? Just kidding - LOL. :D</p>