<p>Isn’t the question not “waited until marriage”, but rather “shared bed in parent’s home”?</p>
<p>In case I’m functioning on an assumption that is not shared by other posters:</p>
<p>I’ve been talking about our (the parents’) attitudes during our student’s college years. I think things may be and feel different as we move away from that time.</p>
<p>That being said, I did in fact share a bed with my future husband in my mother’s home; I was 28 and he was 34!</p>
<p>“Shared bed in parents’ home” was the original question. I think the OP wondered how other people handled it. Then it got off to moralizing about pre-marital sex. </p>
<p>Hopefully the OP got the idea that there’s a diversity of how people have handled it. And if I can sum up–most people think that with a “committed” relationship, or a relationship involving an older college student, it’s okay. But if the parents are for some reason squeamish, they should own up to it and request that the gf/bf sleep apart. It may not be a big deal at all to the bf/gf if asked to sleep apart in a polite way.</p>
<p>I understand that “shared beds in the parents’ home” was the original question. My speculation was that many objections seemed to be based on some version of, you may do it elsewhere, but we don’t approve, so you shouldn’t do it here. Presumably, and overtly, what seemed to be being disapproved of was premarital sex–whether or not in a committed relationship. Which, given most information we get about most people in this country, seems to be, though not ubiquitous, certainly by far the norm. That was the context of my non-poll poll question.</p>
<p>
Let’s just say that I don’t have hypocritical tendencies and leave it at that. 
~berurah</p>
<p>See JHS’s post above for the answer.</p>
<p>Berurah, I don’t look at it as hypocritical behavior. I just view it as good manners, as defined in one’s own family. Some people are fine with letting kids share rooms with SO’s. Some are not. (Me!) People should not insist on behaving in a way that makes others uncomfortable.</p>
<p>Alwaysamom, you seem to view it as an issue with one right answer for everyone. I don’t agree. The fact that you are comfortable with your daughters sharing rooms with BFs is fine with me. I would hope you’d understand that some people don’t agree with you. That doesn’t make us “less evolved” or backwards or judgemental. We just have different standards and expectations.</p>
<p>Agree with SJMom. If you know that it makes your parents uncomfortable, would you (as the adult that you want to be treated as) leave the house without letting them know where you’re going and when you’ll be home? If it makes your parents uncomfortable, would you make out on the couch, the same way you would make out in college in front of a movie? The fact that it’s sex doesn’t change much. </p>
<p>(By the way, I still stand by my own philosophy that I do not want people doing things in my house that I myself do not do there. Drugs and sex come to mind.)</p>
<p>So, parents, </p>
<p>if your not-currently-married college friend came to visit your home today with her SO, would you put them in separate rooms as well? Or are we only uncomfortable with acknowledging our children’s sexuality?</p>
<p>sjmom, I"m not sure why you think I view it as an issue with one right answer for everyone! In my first post on the thread, I explained how we had dealt with the issue with our Ds, and how <em>I</em> would have felt hypocritical in knowing and not having an issue with them sleeping with S/Os elsewhere, and then objecting to them doing so in <em>their</em>, not just my home. I don’t see anywhere in that post #15 where I even mentioned how anyone else handles it. </p>
<p>In my second post in the thread, I was replying to Motherdear’s clear implication that any child who even considers the possibility of sleeping with a S/O at the family home is showing disrespect, and that any parent who allows it is somehow immoral. I thought I had made it clear that I did not feel that there was one right answer for everyone when I said:</p>
<p>“If someone chooses to avoid premarital sexual relations, I obviously have no objection to that. These choices are personal and must be made by each individual to suit their own beliefs and needs. What I do object to is the implication that those who do not believe that premarital sex is inherently bad are somehow immoral.”</p>
<p>I never mentioned thinking that anyone was “less evolved, backwards, or judgmental”.</p>
<p>Alwaysamom, I must have misinterpreted the tone of your last post. I’m sorry.</p>
<p>
sjmom~</p>
<p>I am <em>so</em> sorry if you interpreted my remark as anything personal. It was not directed toward you or toward anyone who agrees with you. The “hypocrisy” I was referring to was simply this: I have chosen not to disallow <em>my</em> child to do something that <em>I</em> did and felt o.k. about doing. Nothing more than that. I was not referring to parents’ denying something in their own homes that they KNOW takes place elsewhere. IMHO, that is not necessarily hypocritical but perhaps just reflecting an element of propriety. I have no issue with that whatsoever. In fact, I have NO issue with anyone’s conducting their household in the way that they see fit. Again, I apologize if I have offended. It was unintentional. ~berurah</p>
<p>I know you may fall over, SJmom (it’s marvelous that people are so mulit-dimensional), but I agree with you.</p>
<p>Berurah, I didn’t thing the hypocrisy thing was meant to be personal!!!:)</p>
<p>I was just continuing on with that thought – this is always a difficult area of parenting. Do we turn a blind eye when our kids do things we may have done, and wish they wouldn’t? As I think we can agree, it’s really a family decision. It’s interesting to see how others have handled it though.</p>
<p>Allmusic – it’s nice to find out that people who disagree in some areas, agree in others. We’re all multi-dimensional, and that’s what makes CC such a vibrant place to hang out!</p>
<p>
sj~</p>
<p>I think this is where our thought processes differ on this: If my child does something that I did that I wish <em>I</em> hadn’t done, then I try, sometimes uselessly, to guide them though a decision in a way that will spare them the consequences that I suffered (as in, “Do as I say, not as I did.”)</p>
<p>If, however, I did something that I felt was a good/ok decision or something without negative consequences, I have no problem with their doing the same thing. In other words, I don’t “wish they wouldn’t.”</p>
<p>Even <em>I</em> can see that given other sets of circumstances, I might have a very different view of this same situation. </p>
<p>I have NEVER fumbled over such things as underage drinking, drugs, or permanent body alterations (tattoos, etc.). THOSE are some of my “buzz issues,” and my kids are well aware of that. They would NEVER show me the disrespect of doing those things under my roof. In THAT case, it would be a matter of, “You can do whatever you want in YOUR own home when YOU are supporting yourself.”</p>
<p>Sure, I have buzz issues…the one on this particular thread is just not one of them for me. ~berurah</p>
<p>So, berurah, what would you do if your 18-year-old daughter <em>did</em> come home with a small tattoo? How much of a fight is worth having? </p>
<p>My D knows I think tattoos are appalling. However, at 18, she came home with a tattoo–small, pale blue line drawing–of a paper crane (on the inside of her left wrist). She explained that it was something she’d wanted to do since going to the Hiroshima memorial in 8th grade (an experience that woke her up politically). So what should I have done?</p>
<p>
What could I do at that point? 
I’m not sure I understand this question? If my child defied me, she defied me. There would not be much I could do about it at that point excrept verbally express my disappointment, and yes, I would be disappointed and YES, I WOULD express that.</p>
<p>As I’ve said many times, I do not ban much or make things more desirable by setting them up to be “forbidden fruit.” The way things have basically worked in our family is this: If I have a staunch objection to something (and yes, sorry, but for MY family, tattoos are one of <em>MY</em> little buzz things, though I realize that many, MANY people feel differently about them than I do) I tell my kids that I object to it and I give my reasons for my feelings. Thus far, out of sheer respect for me and for their father, my kids have never defied me on any issue that I feel strongly about. Will they in the future? I honestly don’t know.</p>
<p>I DO know this: Each and every one of my kids has enough respect for me to abide by the very FEW rules I have laid out in stone. Fact is, you get a whole lot more mileage out of garnering respect than you do out of promoting an authoritarion air. When I ask that they do something (or in THIS case, NOT do something), I give good, solid reasons and also set a good example. That’s all that I, as a parent, CAN do. </p>
<p>IMHO, there is NOTHING that you could have “done” after your daughter decided on her own to get a tattoo over your objections. I’d be more concerned by the lack of respect that showed IF, indeed, she outright defied you on this and was still under your roof/financial support. ~berurah</p>
<p>Berurah: well, I’ve never given my kids any absolutes–which I think makes me a “liberal parent”–precisely because it’s so hard when you do. In fact, I wasn’t disappointed; I was proud of my daughter (even though I loathe tattoos as a rule) for coming up with a discrete way to express her horror with nuclear weapons. And if I’d said “no way, never, you’ll lose X privilege or tuition or whatever”–what would have happened next?</p>
<p>Ultimatums, in my experience, ALWAYS come back to bite you in the neck. (My husband’s father said “if you get marrried, I’ll cut off support” (H was in college, but nearly finished)–so my husband dropped out (the marriage didn’t last, I was wife #2). Both sides regret the decisions made as a result of that ultimatum.)</p>
<p>
I have never chosen to shy away from giving absolutes just because it is “hard” when you do. I HAVE, however, shied away from giving TOO many absolutes, particularly if they are “illogical” or gratuitously confining. For example, I have never given ANY of my kids curfews for the simple reason that I <em>ALWAYS</em> know where they are, who they are with, and generally what they are doing. So if, for example, my 15-year-old wants to go “Cosmic Bowling” at our local small town bowling alley (being transported by a responsible adult) between the hours of 11:30 and 1:30 a.m., that is fine with me, even though it would bust a “normal” curfew for most 15-year-olds. </p>
<p>My parenting style has been determined in large part by my oldest son who was a very precocious and analytical child who could draw analogies and make logical arguments by the age of two. Fact is, I couldn’t get away with arbitrary and illogical demands very easily <em>lol</em>, so I stepped back, took a GOOD hard look at my values, my principles, my ethics, and my normal parental concerns, and based my “absolutes” on those. </p>
<p>
As a disowned child of a HIGHLY dysfunctional family, I have never, nor WOULD I ever, issue an ultimatum. I have never found it to be necessary, nor do I think it would ever prove productive or useful. I <em>KNOW</em> that this is difficult to understand for some, but trust me when I say that my kids’ overwhelming respect for us as their parents has precluded their breaking the very few rules we have set in stone. All that I have asked from them in an unwavering way is to conduct themselves in an ethical way, care for others, care for THEMSELVES by not partaking in illegal drugs, excessive alcohol, or altering their bodies in permanent ways (as they are still young and might not be able to see the BIG picture at 18), show respect for everyone, particularly adults/authority figures, and value education highly. The great thing is that they can see the value in ALL of these things and have thanked me profusely over the years for communicating these standards to them.</p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>Berurah, I think we share many values and a similar approach to raising children. Like your older son, both of my kids will DEFINITELY argue against arbitrary rules. If it’s something I feel strongly about, I explain it as carefully as I can a couple of times. If they keep arguing, I eventually arrive at a place where I say, “I’ve explained all the reasons for X rule. Now you are just protesting the decision. If you have any new facts, come back and tell me, otherwise, we’re finished with this.”</p>
<p>It doesn’t always work – they occasionally are really irritated – but I’m O.K. with that if it’s something I feel strongly about.</p>