Sleepovers with BF?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Im currently a freshman in college and I have been dating my boyfriend for about two years, starting in high school . My parents know I am sexually active, and are fine with this. My boyfriend and I go to different colleges and they know when we visit each other we stay in the other’s bed. HOWEVER, my parents will not allow me to sleep over his house or vice versa. At first this didn’t bother me because he lived nearby so when we were home, I could stay at his house late and drive home, and I respected their rules. But now, he moved two hours away, and it is really a pain because say I go to his house after work… I have very little time to see him if I am to drive him by a reasonable hour. Also, I feel that since I am no longer a minor and I am largely independent, my parents should not impose rules like this anymore - but I still do not want to cross them and wish they would come to their senses.</p>

<p>But my parents wont even consider letting me sleep over there and it just seems ridiculous to me since they know we have sex anyways, and sleep with each other when we visit during the school year. How can I convince them it’s not a big deal? </p>

<p>The other problem is that my boyfriend gets upset because of my parents stance- he thinks it is ridiculous given my parents know we have sex together, sleep together etc, anyways. If I cant get my parents to change their minds, how do I explain their stance to my boyfriend?</p>

2

<p>Well, letting him sleep in your bed is just too horrifying. It’s one thing to know what in theory is going on, it’s another to have it happening in your own house. No way to pretend then, is there? Staying over there is similar, probably, you may want to make a safety argument, it’s safer for you to sleep there overnight then drive back late. That would be my line of attack.</p>

3

<p>Ive tried that…my mom said that either I should come home earlier, or if that’s impossible and it’s unsafe he should escort me home…which is really just ridiculous. Ahhh.</p>

4

<p>As a parent, my approach is that if you’re not a minor and you’re independent, you can pay for your own apartment and do what you want there. Otherwise, the two words in play here are “plausible deniability”. I’m Southern and old school, and I believe that it’s inappropriate to expect your parents to accommodate or facilitate your sex life. They may not be able to stop you doing what you want, but you shouldn’t expect them to <em>help</em> you or make it easy for you. </p>

<p>How do you explain it to your boyfriend? “My parents prefer I don’t have company at home, and don’t like me sleeping over. Can we do it during the day?” If you can’t say that and be respected, you have larger relationship issues than where to sleep.</p>

5

<p>First, tell your boyfriend to get over himself. This has to do with you and the wishes of your parents. He needs to learn how to respect that and not turn up the heat. You don’t owe him an explanation. Your long term chances will be greatly increased. There is no such thing as being “largely independent.” You either are or you aren’t. Until you are, they have some say and you should cut them some slack and respect their feelings. Chances are he won’t be your last boyfriend and you have the rest of your life to be with boyfriends/fiances/husbands. You can’t say the same thing about your parents.</p>

6

<p>It’s not that ridiculous. I wouldn’t want my 18 year old sleeping over and having sex with her boyfriend in my house at night, either. It’s just a little too much information for most parents to deal with. Yes, you’re in college, but you’re still a college freshman, likely somewhat dependent upon your parents financially, and apparently living at home when you’re not at college. This isn’t all that insane a rule, so while you’re under their roof I suggest you suck it up and follow it for a couple more years. They’ll get over it. </p>

<p>You can your boyfriend can meet half way, can’t you? That cuts your driving time from 4 hours to 2 hours, leaving 2 more hours for you guys to spend together.</p>

<p>I don’t think you really need to explain your parents’ rule to your boyfriend. Can’t you just explain that it’s a rule and leave it at that? He doesn’t need to agree with it.</p>

<p>x-posted… I agree with TrinSF completely.</p>

7

<p>Skip all the rationalization. It’s called RESPECT!!! You don’t sleep over at his place and he doesn’t sleep over at your house out of respect for your parents. It doesn’t matter in the least if you agree with the reasons or not. When you own your own house; have your own job; are raising your own kids; paying your own bills; etc… then you get to make the rules that apply in your house. You don’t do it out of RESPECT for your parents. It’s that simple.</p>

<p>By the way; welcome to the real world. You are going to have plenty of professors in college; coworkers and bosses at work; friends in your life; etc… that will have different rules, values, morals, etc… than you do. You will need to learn to compromise sometimes with these people. When you are at a friend’s or neighbor’s house and they don’t allow smoking, drinking, foul language, or whatever; then you refrain from it out of respect. The respect is that you will expect the same consideration in return when it’s your rules or decisions that need to be followed. It doesn’t matter if you agree with them or not. If people would just learn respect for others and not worry so much about themselves, we wouldn’t need so many laws and rules and our communities would be a much friendlier place. </p>

<p>Of course some will say; “What about me? Shouldn’t they respect me and my requests and desires too”? The answer is yes. When you have earned it and are equal to the other person, then they should. I still have to respect my boss’ decisions whether I like them or not. He is my boss. He doesn’t HAVE to respect my opinion. When I am in my parent’s house, I RESPECT their rules, wishes, etc… They are my parents. It doesn’t matter if I agree or not. I wouldn’t have ANYTHING I have today if it wasn’t for them. I could NEVER repay them. They have earned all the respect I can ever come up with. YET; when they come to visit in my house the live by our rules. That is THEIR respect for me.</p>

8

<p>As far as I can tell, the OP is a respectful and dutiful daughter who is acting in a completely reasonable manner and asking a legitimate question in hopes of some helpful advice.</p>

9

<p>Have you talked to them about the comprimise of you sleeping in a guest room at his house (or visa versa)? That way, you guys still won’t be sleeping TOGETHER in their or his house, but you would get to hang out for longer before going to sleep, because nobody would have to drive home. Is there a reason/have they indicated that they wouldn’t allow something like that?</p>

10

<p>When you say “his house” do you mean his parents home or his bachelor apartment?</p>

11

<p>I still remember a story from middle school. We had just learned about sex in health class and I was walking to lunch with my friend. She turned to me when we got to our lockers and said, “Does that mean… our parents had sex?!? Ew, do you think they still do?!” Of course, she knew that her parents and mine had to have had sex at some point to produce us, but the idea of our parents having sex was enough to creep both of us out for a little while. Even worse was thinking that they still, at the old age of 40, were having sex. GROSS! =P. </p>

<p>We have both grown up now and we are seniors in high school. Although we’ve never had the conversation, I think we both are fine with the fact that our parents are sexually active, just as your parents are fine with the fact that you are sexually active. </p>

<p>But, even at the age of 17, I am pretty sure I would be grossed out if I knew details about when my parents were having sex. Imagine if you heard your parents having sex, or if they announced it before they went into the bedroom. I’m pretty sure almost every teenager would be creeped out. Hell, for all I know, every adult would too.</p>

<p>So, imagine what your parents hear when you say that you are going to sleep over your boyfriend’s house. That’s the same as, “Me and ____ are going to have sex tonight in his bedroom.” Your parents may be fine with the fact that you are having sex, but they don’t want to know anything else about it.</p>

<p>I guess it is similar when you tell them that you are going over to your boyfriend’s dorm, but they can’t do much about that. They aren’t at your dorm to make sure you show up by 2 am. It’s not that they don’t trust you to be careful or that they are trying to be evil. They just want a don’t ask, don’t tell policy. And unfortunately, while you still are dependent on them, that isn’t completely possible.</p>

<p>So, I guess this story can serve as a good explanation to your boyfriend. I’m sure he wouldn’t want to think about his parents having sex and may be able to understand that your parents don’t want that either.</p>

12

<p>I was just talking to my son about it, and I said, “Yeah, you can do that if I can have sex in your dorm room. And not like, sometime vague in the future, but you have to actually know that’s what we’re doing, and be nearby and have us have breakfast with you afterwards and be giggling and stuff like that.” </p>

<p>He turned a funny color and say no, that was okay, not needed. <em>grin</em></p>

13

<p>Also, I feel that since I am no longer a minor and I am largely independent,</p>

<p>Unless you are supporting yourself- you aren’t independent.</p>

<p>Young people today just aren’t creative anymore- :wink:
you don’t have to * sleep together* to sleep together.</p>

<p>Aren’t there drive in movie theatres where you are? Or cheap hotels?</p>

14

<p>Respect their rules, just motel-6 it.</p>

15

<p>FWIW, as a parent, I don’t really “get” the rationale, either. Not taking sides here… just saying that while I can understand why your parents might be uncomfortable about your bf staying over at their house (either the “ick” factor, or the not-under-our-roof argument)… I don’t quite see the logic of them objecting to your staying over at his house (assuming that it doesn’t involve your taking their car?). </p>

<p>I’m not going to debate the point. Just agreeing that I also don’t see the logical consistency.</p>

16

<p>There is a whole category of parent-child disputes like this that are inherently unprincipled, because they are inherently transitory. In a few years, you won’t be having this fight. You will win. The fix is in. But some time will have to pass first.</p>

<p>“A few years” sounds like an unreasonably long time to a college freshman, but it is not much time at all to her parents.</p>

<p>I sympathize completely with the parents, of course, while recognizing that they are being fundamentally irrational. So are you, by the way. You didn’t have a problem with your parents’ rules when it was more convenient to get around them, and I suspect your parents rules would erode faster if it were LESS convenient to get around them now (i.e., your boyfriend lived four hours or more away, not two). This is a microclimate kind of problem – it exists only in really specific, ephemeral circumstances.</p>

17

<p>“if that’s impossible and it’s unsafe he should escort me home”</p>

<p>Wouldn’t that mean that he’d need to escort you two hours to your home, and then drive two hours back to his own home? Does she understand what that would entail?</p>

<p>Perhaps make an agreement that when you sleep over his house you will sleep on the couch? Yeah, it seems unfair and illogical, but it would save you some hassle.</p>

18

<p>Given the entire history of you and bf, I agree with calmom. Your parents have every right to insist what goes on under their roof. But when you are at your bf’s house his parents make the rules. Now if your parents want to communicate with his to express their wishes that would be okay imho. If he has his own apt I am confused why your parents would consider this different from the college visits.</p>

19

<p>runforfun, Great post. I liked your analogy.</p>

20

<p>

I think this approach is on the right tack … keep talking to your parents, asking question, understanding their concerns, and pin them on their logical inconsistency.</p>

<p>I’d start with visits to your house first … I assume their concern is with the two of you having sex and not with actual sleep. I certainly think any parent has the right to say in my house my unmarried children will not share a bed wth their bf/gf. Ok, Mom and Dad I’m OK with that. How about if my bf sleeps on the coach?, on the floor in my brother’s room?, on the floor in your room?, etc … something that makes your parents feel comfortable that he will be visiting during the day and not the night. If this does not make progress keep asking questions like … my bf and I were thinking of visiting each family for 2-3 days during spring break … how can this work if my bf can’t sleep in the house? So you never want us to visit for multiple days? Hopefully this will help your parents think of a reasonable solution (for my parents my gf slept in my room and I slept downstairs on the couch).</p>

<p>At some point you may need to consider when you may want to respectfully disagree with your parents. In this situation I played by my parents rules until I was mid-20s and they would not let me share a bedroom with my live-in girlfriend (now Mom3togo) … I did not fight with my parents but explained from now on Lover3togo and I would only make singel day trips because we were a couple and would only stay overnight if we could be a couple … no arguing or putting down of my parents values … just explaining my position.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>