Sleepovers with BF?

Parent Cafe
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<p>aube88: I know I will be flamed for this on this parent’s forum, but I have to say this: I think the parents are within their rights to force their rules upon you but they are being immature and inconsiderate and irrational and narrow-minded. </p>

<p>I don’t know how appealing it is to you and BF, but unfortunately my suggestion would be similar to niddumas: Just find a clean comfortable motel half-way between the houses and spend the night there.</p>

<p>The couch is another viable option but I prefer the motel because it will give the parents a much-needed wake-up call. Accept their children as adults or lose them.</p>

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<p>I don’t think kids staying at a motel means the parents are “losing them”, but it would make the kids responsible for their own “extracurriculars” rather than doing whatever they want in someone elses home.</p>

<p>I am actually very surprised the college freshmen couldn’t come up with the solution on their own, * in my day* as long as one of a couple was 18, even if in high school, kids often stayed in hotels, no one would have dreamed trying to get away with it in their childhood bedroom :p.</p>

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<p>Yeah, but sleeping on the couch lets the parents off the hook. </p>

<p>LOL about the “in my day” point. I think 21 is the new 18.</p>

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<p>I think 21 is the new 18.</p>

<p>You mean about renting hotel rooms?</p>

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<p>Maybe that too, but I meant parental and kids’ attitudes.</p>

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<p>You don’t have to have sex every single day you’re together. Indeed, you’ll need to deny him sex to determine if he’s marriage material.</p>

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<p>Great line, Hunt.</p>

<p>I will probably get flamed here, but I really REALLY don’t think college freshmen should be sleeping with anyone, ever, unless they are married. But, I’m really old-fashioned about that. </p>

<p>We don’t let my son’s OLD girlfriend, who is my daughter’s friend, stay over. But that’s us, and we take pleasure in making our children’s lives horrible. haha</p>

<p>Still, unless the OP is completely independent, she’ll just have to get over it and obey their silly, ninny, antiquated rules. If she doesn’t like it, well, that’s what adulthood is all about. Make your own decisions and pay for them yourself.</p>

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<p>I was gonna say that I don’t think a college freshman should be thinking about marriage & indeed she didn’t say that she was interested.
I imagine they do think about sex quite a bit though ;)</p>

<p>I expect they will be broken up by junior year anyway.</p>

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<p>I agree with calmom and originaloog and do not quite understand the parents making rules about what goes on at the boyfriend’s parents’ house. It seems that those parents would make the rules there. But if the girl’s parents are not comfortable with the fact that the other parents may allow the kids to sleep together under their roof, it seems that the boyfriend should come visit at the girlfriend’s house and due to the distance, spend the night but in a guest room (since the girl’s parents make the rules when under their own roof and may be uncomfortable with the kids sleeping together in their home even though they know they can do so while AT college). That seems like a reasonable solution because given the distance, spending the night seems rather necessary and can be accomodated by using guest rooms. If they don’t want that going on at the boy’s parents’ house, they can alleviate that by having the boy come to their home and following their rules of separate sleeping arrangements while in their home.</p>

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<p>Unlike Britney and Jaime Spears parents, most parents want to instill a sense of respect and self respect in their kids. It’s not that parents are against their college aged kids having sex (we are human you know). Just get a room and don’t tell us about it. LOL</p>

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<p>My husband and I “dated” for 8-1/2 YEARS before we married, and it was not until we were actually engaged that my future mil invited me to dinner (to say nothing of stay over night). </p>

<p>I think sex for kids so young, while exciting and exhilarating and all that, just leads to heartache so many times. Maybe the OP’s parents just don’t want to feed into what they think is an imminent bust up. </p>

<p>Junior year - well, maybe, especially since BF is already pressuring her. Nice.</p>

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<p>OP’s parents probably aren’t quite as giddy about them sleeping together as OP would like to think. I’m sure they know about it and know they can’t do anything about it, but may not be so fine about it. Freshman year is tough on parents. Within a few months, kids go from still depending on parents for pretty much everything to wanting total independence. Of course, it takes some time to accept those things. I’m not going to be happy if my D comes home for the weekend, drops off her laundry, has a nice dinner and says “see you later - I’m off to sleep at my BF’s house.” I know my parents were very disappointed when I chose to spend part of my holiday with my BF and his parents when I was a sophomore. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now.A lot of parents really look forward to their kids coming home for the first long break freshman year and they’re disappointed when the kid chooses the BF over them. Maybe OP’s parents aren’t even deliriously happy that she has a hometown boyfriend at college. That wouldn’t be my preference either. There’s lots of feelings and emotions that should be respected in some way. I’ll bet OP’s mom just really misses her.</p>

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<p>What a scenario. </p>

<p>Visit neighbor. Neighbor is from Japan. Neighbor requests that you take your shoes off before entering their house. You do. Why? Out of respect for their culture, beliefs, values, etc…</p>

<p>Visit friend. Friend happens to be LDS, Fundemental Christian, etc… You know they don’t like foul language. You refrain from using some of the more colorful language that you normally use. Why? Because you respect their religious beliefs, morals, values, etc…</p>

<p>So; you respect strangers, friends, and neighbor’s beliefs, culture, values, morals, etc… but you DON’T respect your PARENT’s beliefs, morals, values, etc… Even in THEIR OWN home. Hmmmm? Instead, you want to try and CHANGE your parent’s beliefs and position on the topic. Why don’t you try and change your neighbor or friend’s beliefs?</p>

<p>Sorry if some don’t agree with this position. I believe that this is the root of the issue. If the OP is trying to find a way to change or Compromise her parent’s beliefs, values, morals, etc… then she DOESN’T RESPECT them. She isn’t being respectful. Being she is still a pseudo member of that household, she may be entitled to ask WHY, but whether she agrees or not with her parents in irrelevent. If she respected her parents, she wouldn’t do it and she wouldn’t try and change it. When she has her own house/apartment she can make any rules she likes. </p>

<p>I’ve always had a rule in my house that if I or my wife weren’t home, that my kids couldn’t have their friends over. (My reasons are not important, but to satisfy some curiosity part of it is moral and part of it is safety). Years later; my son is now 17 and my daughter is 20. If they don’t get in touch with us AHEAD of time, they still don’t invite friends in if we aren’t home. They respect our rules. There have been times where my daughter called us saying she was back for Thanksgiving from college. She brought a friend with her. She wanted to know if it was OK for both of them to go inside the house being we weren’t home from work yet. Of course we said yes; but THAT IS RESPECT! </p>

<p>Sorry if I don’t see this the same way as the majority. It doesn’t matter to me if it’s about sleeping in the same room or same house. It doesn’t matter if it’s about not bringing friends in the house if we aren’t home. It doesn’t matter what the rule is. Out of respect, you follow their way of doing it. In return, she will earn respect from her parents.</p>

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<p>“don’t ask don’t tell” is inherently hypocritical and not the same as being respectful.</p>

<p>Someone used a great analogy that started with the story about middle-school sex ed class. Middle school kids are immature and can’t get over the “ick” factor at the thought of their parents having sex. Parents are being equally immature when they get grossed out at the thought of their adult kids having sex.</p>

<p>BTW I agree with Christcorp that the kid should not break house rules. That is respectful and mature and it looks like OP has no intention of breaking house rules. I am more concerned about the immaturity of the parents here.</p>

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<p>They KNOW? Are you sure? Or do you think since you say you are visiting one another and don’t mention other possible sleeping arrangements they will assume you are staying in the other’s bed.</p>

<p>Parents are extremely adaptable. If it is not said specifically, and sometimes even if it is, they can come up with all sorts of alternate realities in their head that will explain how you are visiting and remaining chaste. I remember long after I left college I was living with a roommate. Her boyfriend/later husband was spending the night and accidently answered the phone in the morning. They came up with some weird story about going out for a breakfast picnic. Really. Her mother believed them. Mostly because she really wanted to.</p>

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<p>I don’t know the kids in question so I can’t say if sleeping on the couch would mean actually sleeping on the couch.
I don’t think suggesting taking responsibilty for your own sexual activities is immature- but I also didn’t say that I would advise don’t ask dont tell.</p>

<p>My older daughter had friends staying overnight in our house & they slept in her room on the floor-( all through school from K-thru college graduation) I didn’t have a problem with that.
But if I was a parent who was uncomfortable with it, then that would be my perogative.</p>

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<p>I know that my kid has easy access to alcohol and probably drinks at college. Does that mean that, in order not to be “inherently hypocritical”, I should open my home bar to her, offer her wine with dinner or take her to a bar and buy her a beer? I don’t think so.</p>

<p>Sex is no different. I may not condone it, I may not be able to do anything about it when I’m not there, but I understand the “not on my watch” philosophy. </p>

<p>One sign of maturity is allowing for delayed gratification. That means that even if you have to go six whole weeks without sex, you do it. If you can’t do it, you’re not mature, and not an “adult”. Perhaps your parents want to see how you handle the delayed gratification issue. Perhaps they want to see (and have you see) whether there’s anything to the relationship other than sex.</p>

<p>You may think that adults never have to go six whole weeks without sex when they’re in a committed relationship. Well, what if your spouse (using spouse in the broadest sense, whether or not you’ve legally married) is ill? Traveling on business? Joins the military? In a longer-distance relationship due to job transfer/graduate school/family issues? If your relationship cannot survive without spending the night together, it’s not much of a relationship.</p>

<p>Cool your jets. You’ll be back at school soon enough.</p>

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<p>I agree the parents have the right to say no sleeping together under their roof even if they know the kids can do what they want while at college. I don’t quite get not being able to spend the night at the other kid’s house as much. But if they feel strongly about that, then invite the boy to stay at their house where the rule of separate bedrooms can be implemented. </p>

<p>As far as this young couple refraining from sex during the school break, I agree they should be able to do that. But the way I read the OP wasn’t about having sex as much as the distance to boyfriend’s parents’s house was so far that spending the night made sense. I mean they can have sex at another location or during the day, whatever. I thought it was more logistics about the two hour drive home at night. But if the girl’s parents are not comfortable with that arrangement, it seems easily solved by having the boy visit at THEIR house where he can spend the night due to distance but in a separate room. That also solves the (possible) issue that they may rather their D not go to sleepaways while home so briefly on break (not agreeing or disagreeing but taking that possibility into account that someone else mentioned).</p>

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Judgment, judgment.</p>

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<p>I would have more of a problem with my D driving 4 hours in a single day then the sleeping arrangement. I have been driving for years and on occasion I do drive to a location two hours from home and then back in the same day but it is not something I like or would want my child doing.
I know my two oldest have both had sexual relationships. While I am not especially happy about it I accept it. I don’t allow it in my house. My son has a local girlfriend. I make sure she goes home before I go to bed. My son has on occasion slept at her house. He doesn’t have a car right now and I have on a couple of occasions let him stay since I did not feel like going to pick him up. Her Mom does not have a problem with him sleeping there. The arrangement of their house allows her to separate them to her satisfaction. It is her house and her rules just as I have mine.
I doubt a motel would help with the OP’s parents. It appears the issue is the two sleeping in the same location regardless of where.</p>