Sleepovers with BF?

Parent Cafe
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<p>soozievt’s post made me realize what you’re doing wrong, OP. I suspect you might have gotten further with your parents if you had approached them by saying how much you missed seeing your BF, having a chance to talk with him in person, go out to movies, play Scrabble, what have you. And that now that he is a two hour drive away, it really limits your time to be able to see him, because it’s a four hour round-trip drive, and given your schedules, it’s difficult to find enough time to get together when you have to drive back right away, it’s a pity that one of you can’t find a friend or relative to stay with on the other end of the drive, even if it’s just a couch…</p>

<p>See that? That allows your parents to imagine that really, all the two of you are doing late at night is arguing over whether or not “slithey” is an acceptable Scrabble word. And it gives your parents the impression that you and your BF have a shared emotional connection which you can speak openly about, and which your parents can think about, as opposed to the physical one, which your parents don’t want to hear or think about. </p>

<p>For what it’s worth, this approach did me absolutely no good with my parents when I was a college student, but I anticipate that it will be very effective when my children eventually deploy it on me and their father.</p>

42

<p>If you learn to live without each other for a few weeks, imagine how fun your reunion will be!</p>

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<p>Although I agree with delayed gratification, etc., some of these posts make it sound like when the OP goes back to college, she will see her boyfriend all the time. But from the orginal post, they don’t go to the same college…they met in highschool. So this isn’t an issue of wanting to see a college BF over break, really, break is when they probably get to see each other the MOST (or at least did in the past), hence wanting to be able to spend a lot of time together. </p>

<p>OP: As I and others have suggested, def. play up the “we just want to hang out, can’t I/he sleep on the couch/in the extra room?” angle. That really does seem like the best solution, if they are willing to go along with it (which will probably depend on how much they trust you guys to actually sleep in different rooms. Unforunatly, if you’ve been having this argument for a while, they might see this suggetion as an attempt to get around the rules…as others have said, it might work best if they are willing to do it at your house, at least at first, so your parents can see he really is on the couch).</p>

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<p>OP, when I was in college (a long, long time ago), my college BF and I lived about 2 hours apart when we went home over vacations. Although we both had fairly strict parents, they did allow us to sleep at each others’ houses - and we did not share bedrooms at either house. It didn’t even occur to us to ask our parents if that would be ok - we both just assumed we would have to sleep apart, so it wasn’t an issue. Like a few other posters have suggested, make sure that your parents understand that you are willing to sleep apart.</p>

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<p>My daughter asked a friend who she met at a summer program and who lives about 90 minutes away to escort her to a formal dance once. They were only 15 at the time so neither could drive. His parents drove him to our house before the dance and we drove him home in the morning. He spent the night in our guest room. My daughter spent the night at a friend’s house. It’s a little different situation, but I’ll bet the OP’s parents would go for his spending the night while she sleeps at a friend’s.</p>

46

<p>To the above poster your solution seems logical, but the OP would not go for that because she wants to have sex.</p>

<p>Being able to at her or his house would be easier and cheaper for them. </p>

<p>To the OP, are your hormones so out of control that you can’t wait until you are out of your parents house? That way you will show them respect and you won’t be rubbing in their face the fact that you have pre-marital sex.</p>

47

<p>Ididn’t read the Op well enough to realize that the boyfriends house was an alternative.
In that case- I feel the parents of the girl are being unreasonable- particulary if she is 18 and an adult.</p>

<p>She isn’t staying with her boyfriend under their roof- so to try and control the behavior of an adult child outside of their home is not their jurisdiction.
If they “want to make a federal case out of it” then I suppose they could try and break them up or say they aren’t going to pay for school or whatever.
But I wonder, what the issue really is?</p>

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<p>“Adult child” </p>

<p>No such animal. </p>

<p>I completely agree with Christcorp (no shock there!). We have very similar rules at our house. No child of mine would even CONSIDER bringing a member of the opposite sex home for “sleeping.”</p>

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<p>A child that doesn’t respect their parents; to include their rules; isn’t an adult. (Matter of fact, that is one common denominator among all “KIDS”. To rebel and challenge parent’s authority). I don’t care if they are 18 in college or 28 in their own apartment. They may be an adult legally; but if she wants to play that card, she can rent her own apartment, pay for her own college, get married if she like, have her own kids, and make all the rules she wants.</p>

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<p>um ya my kids are always gonna be my children- what else would they be?
My peers?</p>

<p>Obviously some parents dont have an idea of how to renegotiate the time in between breaks for an adult child, who most of the year is away at college and essentially on their own even if not financially supporting themselves.</p>

<p>When my daughter came home on breaks- I couldn’t reasonably expect the same restrictions on her behavior that I did when she was in middle school or high school. At college, she was the one who took care of herself- laundry, meals, transportation, she was accountable to herself.
For me to expect that she would come home & I would get to define what she did, where and when- that would have been unreasonable.
I did impress upon her, that even if she * said* I didn’t have to wait up for her- I * did *.
I asked her to call if she was going to be past midnight- and for her to stay where she was, if she was going to be that late, because I didn’t want her taking the bus that late.
Most of the time she was home before 11, or else she would tell me that she was getting a ride.
That worked for me.</p>

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<p>I am still not sure if this is the BF at his parents home or at a BF’s single guy apartment?</p>

<p>If at the BF’s parents home then working out overnight arrangments would depend on the OP’s parents trust of the BF’s parents- some of my kid’s friend’s parents have the same rules as I do, some would not care and undermine me by making fun of my stricter rules.</p>

<p>If there is a relationship of trust and caring, it would seem that something could be worked out due to the distance- hopefully the OP & her BF would respect that permission and not be sneaking around the house at night, creaking up and down the stairs, etc. and not put any one’s parents in the position of catching them “in the act” :eek:</p>

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<p>WHY did you ask her to call if she was going to stay out late? What if she didn’t call? Why DID she call? What if she stayed out all night and came home at 8am; NEVER called; etc…?</p>

<p>Take it one step further. What if you the parent had the mindset that you posted and had certain rules such as calling in and such. Maybe you have some additional rules in your house such as she CAN’T smoke cigarettes. She CAN’T smoke POT. She can’t drink alcohol. She can’t have parties without your permission. She can’t leave the coffee pot turned on over night. She can’t kick holes in the walls.</p>

<p>What makes YOUR list of rules any BETTER or more acceptable than the parent that says; She can’t have a boyfriend spend the night and sleep in the same bed. Sorry, but you argument doesn’t hold water. You expect your daughter to do certain things that you request out of respect. Yet, you don’t believe that another parent is allowed to receive the same respect. Just because their list doesn’t include the same things your list include.</p>

<p>P.S. My daughter and Son are my “CHILDREN” but they AREN’T behaving as a “CHILD” or “KID”. There are different meanings. A “CHILD” rebels against parents. It’s in their nature. ADULT CHILDREN don’t normally rebel. That’s because they are ADULTS and have matured.</p>

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<p>Funny, we had the same scenario as OP’s arise with our D, and it didn’t seem like a big deal. She was 18, and her BF lived 2 hours away. I just talked to BF’s mom on the phone, who said she would put my D in the guest bedroom. I did the same when BF visited us. Did they have sex sometime during those nights? Who knows and who cares? As long as the last thing we all saw at night and the first thing we all saw in the morning was each of them in a separate bed, the rest is their business not ours.</p>

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<p>OP–how about substituting phone sex? Do you think your parents would object to that since only you would be in their house? If they object, you could use a cell phone and just go for a short drive.</p>

<p>My parents had the “not under our roof” rule. And they had a rule, if asked, NEVER lie to them, but you wouldn’t get in trouble for the answer.</p>

<p>My senior year in HS, (1967) I had taken my date on a Friday night to the *Roma Motel<a href=“it%20had%20been%20built%20in%20the%201940s–little%20wooden%20one%20room%20jobs%20with%20a%20carport%20for%20each%20room”>/I</a> near where a group of us had gone dancing. A buddy called me at my parents’ house on Sunday morning to tell me the local newspaper had a story that the motel night clerk had been robbed that Friday night and kidnapped and that his body had been found in Oklahoma in the trunk of an abandoned car. </p>

<p>This was in the dark ages when the telephone was hooked to a cord in the wall in a room (the breakfast room). The parents and I were in the breakfast room when I answered the phone and my parents heard only my end of the call, which was cryptic to say the least. </p>

<p>Yep, when I hung up Mom asked me “what was that about?” Dad looked over his newspaper (propped up on a metal newspaper stand) with a slightly nervous look. I asked her, “are you sure you want to know?” Dad’s look became a little more wide-eyed. Mom couldn’t let it go, so she said “Yes.”</p>

<p>I told her. No one ever said another word about it. Ah, yes, abide by your parents’ rules. However, I doubt that most parents really want their kids to go the motel route.</p>

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<p>As I mentioned on another thread, my daughter’s best friend is a very religious male of the Pentacostal faith. These kids have been friends for about 4 years now, and neither of them has ever dated or even kissed anyone yet (including each other). </p>

<p>But like Christcorp, my daughter is not allowed to be alone in the house with him if his parents are not there. She told me that one time, they sat out in his sister’s car in the winter, waiting for his parents to get home. I’m not sure if it is because the Dad is a former cop, or if they don’t trust the kids together (I actually think that they can). </p>

<p>I took a lot of garbage on the thread about my daughter wanting to maintain her virginity in college and I was interested in helping her find a way to handle dating in college, where a revolving sexual door seems to be accepted. People were offensive and insulting because I was involved in any level on this, even though my daughter confides in me (jealous much about the relationship?). People thought it wasn’t my business. Legally, it is my business.</p>

<p>I’ll tell you why. 21 is the new 18. I find it laughable that there are parents on the “Having a baby at 18” thread and such who think that their daughter could be “on her own” if she has a baby. What a bunch of hypocrites. It’s none of my business if my daughter is having sex before the age of 21, but if she has a baby while in college, there are people who’d want to see her subordinated to some community college, and would rant that the girl should take responsibility for the baby when she can’t even take responsibility for herself, according to the FAFSA college system which deems her dependent.</p>

<p>In NYS, if your daughter gets pregnant, you had better keep her living in your house if she does not get married. If your daughter moves out, and has to go on welfare or medicaid to support the child or pay for the medical bills, you as the parent of that girl can be taken to court for child support. If your under 21 year old son impregnates a girl, he can be sued for child support, and if he is unable or unwilling to pay, you as his parent will pay.</p>

<p>If my daughter were to begin having sex before age 21, I would assist her in protecting herself from pregnancy as much as possible (and she knows that it is totally unreliable in our family, my mother and I both got pregnant on IUDs). But, no, I would not welcome the activity in my home. My daughter would never even ask. Nobody with any kind of class would ask or allow it. If there is a snowstorm, whatever, and the boyfriend needs shelter, there’s the couch. If you want to sneak off into her room in the still of the night, I’ll try to keep my earplugs in.</p>

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<p>Also, if neither of you can afford a motel room, you can’t afford sex because a baby is more expensive than a motel room.</p>

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<p>OP–if you go the motel route to meet your parents’ rules several chain motels have programs for discounts after a certain number of stays. You might want to look into that if finances are an issue.</p>

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<p>They’re called contraceptives, and they’ve been around for quite a while now. They sell them at drug stores, you know, and they’re certainly cheaper than a baby. And no, they’re not 100% safe, but most are at least 99.999%.</p>

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<p>however- have you heard that some pharmacists will not dispense birthcontrol pills to women who are unmarried/minors?</p>

<p>[Salon.com</a> Life | The battle to ban birth control](<a href=“http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2006/03/20/anti_contraception/index_np.html]Salon.com”>http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2006/03/20/anti_contraception/index_np.html)</p>

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<p>Wow. I really hope you weren’t serious.</p>