<p>^LMAO. True.</p>
<p>07Dad; I believe that there’s a big difference between being a “Legal” adult and being a mature and responsible individual. I find that one attribute of being a college student is both beneficial and a negative. They move into the dorms and are supposedly “ADULTS” now. But in reality, they usually have none of the responsibilities or concerns that real adults have. Most of these college students aren’t paying for college, rent, utilities, food, etc… There is a big difference with the 18 year old who graduates high school, moves out, gets a job, and is responsible for their own actions; and the college student who basically is only responsible to get passing grades. Even though they receive a lot more freedom. It’s a great transition, but that’s all it is. A transition.</p>
<p>The college student needs to respect their parent’s rules. Just because they are 18 and in college means nothing. I am an adult with 2 college students but I still respect my parents rules and such; in their home. Yes, there are consequences. But the consequence ISN’T whether the student wants to come home during xmas, spring break and summer. The consequence is whether the student wants to move out permenently; get a job; pay for her own college, rent, food, car, etc… This is all part of growing up. Respecting authority; you boss, parent, the law, etc… Respecting other’s rules. And in return, GAINING respect. But I’m sorry; the “Child”, whether they are a college student, high school student, elementary school student, or pre-school student; does NOT make the rules. Just as I have set many rules in their lives growing up; they don’t have to like them or agree with them. But, if they want my support; emotionally, socially, financially, etc… then they live by the rules.</p>
<p>I may not be the best parent, but I think I’ve done OK. Both kids are in the top of their classes; they aren’t doing drugs; they aren’t pregnant; they aren’t disrespectful; they still give their “daddy and mommy” hugs and affection. I can live with that.</p>
<p>Christcorp I think we are in substantial agreement about most of what you posted.</p>
<p>I look at it as a continuum. At one end is the HS graduate who leaves home. Period. Gone, and on their own. Obviously, not a lot of the CC posters have those kids. To me, the parents and these children are “equal.” One isn’t entitled to call the shots for the other. Both have their “home” and set the rules at that place. (I know of adult children who bar cigarette smoking and alcohol in their homes INCLUDING by mom and dad)</p>
<p>Then you have degrees or levels of dependency on the student’s part and control on the part of the parents where the child doesn’t truly cut the cord. </p>
<p>I’ve demanded a large degree of self-sufficiency on the adult issues from my S, in HS and more now that S has graduated to college. I don’t see a distinction between S paying for college with $$ he earned working a job and with the merit $$ he earned and continues to earn by his efforts. </p>
<p>I acknowledge that my S is actually paying for what I want, a higher education for my S. </p>
<p>On the control issue, I told him he was welcome to come visit during the school year under our rules, but he was not going to catch any grief if he declined. He declined to meet us at a cabin we rented for Thanksgiving to see some other relatives. But, he was on his own to find him a place to stay, which he did and apparently had a good time. I didn’t press for details.</p>
<p>None of my money goes to fund his choices. As an example, he’s gone skiing to Jackson Hole for a week before college starts back up. He’s staying with a buddy from HS who took a gap year and is a lift operator at the Resort. With discount/air miles tickets and his own $$ for while he’s there, I don’t see that I have any right to set the rules of this trip, nor do I want to. </p>
<p>Summer? Same thing. A short visit (less than 10 days) is offerred, but moving back in to base out of our house for the summer? NOT! He’s already lining up stuff. I don’t see that I have any right to set the rules of his summer.</p>
<p>So, I choose to push mine out of the nest in the above manner. He is really thriving. He and I went to lunch the other day. He asked me if I’d take some money he’d saved and invest it for him. I silently smiled because he’s getting it figured out about deferred gratification, saving and the value of money.</p>
<p>Others push their kids out of the nest by more indirectly helping the child make that decision. Is it wrong to do it my way or your way? Not in my book. But I know that I am not participating in prolonging his adolescence. He has to make his decisions and live with them. I’ve found this a win, win situation.</p>
<p>I’ve decided some things that effect him where he asks to discuss it, but my decisions are just that and he has to deal with them. But I don’t condition my actions (present or future) on how he deals with them. Some time he asks for advice and some times he doesn’t. It’s up to him.</p>
<p>Agree with you 100%. No problem. BTW; I live here in Wyoming. Jackson Hole is some really beautiful country. (I wouldn’t live there because of all the liberal transplants, but it’s great to visit).</p>
<p>Well, the BF moved away…why is OP so mad at mom for the distance, and not the BF…</p>
<p>I am not quite getting the parents, but I am also not getting the OP either-I wonder what the parents really think of the BF…that hasn’t been addressed…does he treat them with respect? Does he treat their daughter well enough? Who knows how parents percieve the BF…</p>
<p>My D has a new BF- and I know IF my D were to spend the night at BFs house, there is no way she would share his bed in his parents, or our home</p>
<p>I think it would just be the ick factor, and she knows it would make her father really uncomfortable, and his feelings are really important to her, and not sharing a bed (which I don’t really think she is already anyway) well she would NOT be put out at all to sleep on the sofa or put bf on sofa</p>
<p>When I went back to my Hs mother’s house, the only beds availlable were his child hood single beds. And to be honest, sex was the last thing I wanted in my Hs mother’s home…</p>
<p>i am also a college freshman, but my boyfriend and i attend the same college. when he visited me over winter break, my parents had us sleep in separate beds in the same room – at their suggestion, not ours! – but i’ve no idea whether that was out of naivet</p>
<p>-Weskid has it right – the main issue is that we want to spend more time together and its more difficult if we can’t sleep over. Since my original post my aprents have said my BF can sleep over here in another room and said yes, but they still dont want me to sleep over at his house and I dont get why…this seems similar to when I sleep over his dorm room, to me.
-It’s really not about hormones or sex… we can have sex if we dont sleep over…the point is that we see each other for less time because of all the drving and I thought I would be able to see him more over break.
-I do respect their rules and do not want to rebel against them but I dont entirely understand them (and obviously… I wish they were different)
-Somemom - it is my bf’s parents house, not his own.</p>
<p>Aube, I’m glad you returned. Surely, there has been a lot of discussion and so people like to hear back from the OP with follow up. I think you have accomplished a reasonable solution with your parents because your BF can stay at your house for the night and thus allow more time to visit due to the distance. I’m sure you can respect the separate bedrooms per their wishes. </p>
<p>No, I don’t get why you can’t stay at his parents’ house but have you asked your parents their reason in a reasonable way to attempt to understand their hesitancy? Are they concerned how it may look to the other parents? Or…That the other parents may not have a “who sleeps where” rule? Or…That they don’t want you going away overnight since you aren’t home much? What do they say when you ask what the difference is between visiting him at his college vs. at his parents’ house (actually there is more “supervision” at a parents’ home than a dorm where they do “allow” you to visit, but whatever). I think you could attempt a mature conversation to try to understand their point of view even if you don’t agree. </p>
<p>But that aside, it doesn’t really matter because vacation is not that long and a solution has been arrived at. This is what I (and others) had suggested you work out. Now, you can visit for longer with the drive distance, and he can stay at your house. At this point, even if their rule about staying at his parents’ house doesn’t sound sensical (though we haven’t truly heard their reason and it very well may be a good one…they may have reservations we don’t know about), what does it really matter as you have solved a way to see one another and not drive roundtrip in one day (I agree it is not about the sex as you can have sex even if you don’t sleep over). To me, the problem is solved. Is your boyfriend still pressing you about staying at his house? I mean a workable solution that works for your parents has been settled and accomplishes the same thing. Why do you care which house the visit is at?</p>
<p>OP, thanks for reposting. Your situation created a lot of interest.</p>
<p>Here’s my hunch about your parents. Their comfort zone = you and BF separated by four walls and a door. To them, that feels respectable. They want you to look respectable (in their minds) to the parents of the BF.</p>
<p>When you stay over at the BF’s house, either your parents don’t know the arrangement of bodies or they DO know, but either way – it’s different from their idea of “respectable.”</p>
<p>Maybe they think they’re helping you out by making you “look respectable” to another set of parents? </p>
<p>What might not compute is that the BF’s family might not have any opinion of you whatsoever, based upon where you sleep in their house, but I think this is what your parents imagine.</p>
<p>EDIT: And this might explain why they care about it when it concerns the BF’s parents’ house, but make no comment when it involves his or your dorm rooms.</p>
<p>Thans for reposting. I’m glad you were able to reach a compromise, even if it doesn’t feel fully satisfying to you. Personally, I’d drop it for now about the bf’s house and bring up the issue again when the topic feels less “hot” for your parents.</p>
<p>Just curious: How long have you dated this guy? Do your parents know him/his parents at all?</p>
<p>-sooz - I have asked them for their reason and basically, they have just said “that’s the rule…” and refused to answer. Indeed, they acted upset that I even suggested I should be able to sleep over there.
-Paying3tuitions - I think you might be right… that their issue is that it just “looks wrong” if I stay over there, as if they are not responsible parents. But yes, the BFs parents are more liberal and dont care if I sleep with him, indeed assume I will. I guess it just seems silly that my parents care about it “looking” bad when they know we sleep together when we go gto visit eachother… oh welll.
-Ive dated him for a little over two years. My parents know and like the guy… they dont know his parents too well, and while they havent hit it off with them they dont really have any reasons to dislike them</p>
<p>Aube, then this is the way it is. I think your parents see a difference between your visits with boyfriend at his college and ones at parent homes and while you are living at home. The ones at college are kinda on your own time and they have less control over that situation and may even be fine with it. But while you are living at home, they have more say and seem to now be OK if BF stays over your house (where they can have a rule of separate bedrooms) than if you stay at his house where they may be concerned at how that looks OR may be concerned about his parents’ rules which they do not share, or any other reasons. So, in my opinion, it is not really far fetched or so bad because a fair solution has been reached. Your dilemma was finding a way to visit given the long distance for just a day trip and so now there is a way to extend the visit overnight if he stays at your parents. And you can still visit at his house if it is not overnight. AND this is just during the winter break and after that, you’ll be back at school where you can do more of what you want. This is not really so bad after all.</p>