Sleepovers with BF?

Parent Cafe
121

<p>I’ve been dating my significant other some 8 years now, and while her family gladly lets me stay over, I get to stay in a guest room. Fine by me. Her folks never complain when she comes down to SD with me and stays at my place. Same thing was true when she was at her own place in LA. </p>

<p>When we move in June, we do what we wish.</p>

<p>I fully understand what her parents want. However, I do think that it’s unfair of some of the parents here to moralize the situation and stab at the OP. She’s only trying to navigate a situation that might benefit from parental insight. Instead, she got a lot of flak. A bit uncool, if you ask me.</p>

122

<p>I don’t know why she couldn’t go to her BF house in the morning, spend all day and then drive back in the early evening. Would be safe and more that enough time for talk, sex, cuddling, and togetherness.</p>

123

<p>Hondu,
Exactly. She could spend several hours at his house each day and then return home.</p>

<p>That’s why I wonder if what her parents are reacting to is her not spending much time with her family, who probably had been looking forward to enjoying her presence during the holidays.</p>

124

<p>From the OP:</p>

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<p>Sounds like she has a job. Who knows what time she gets done from work or what time she has to get there in the morning. If it were me, I’d forego the conjugal visits entirely, but that’s the hormonal difference between a teenager and a 40 something.</p>

125

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<p>That maybe a productive area for OP to explore. Parents do have a problem sometimes understanding that these college students aren’t just older HS kids, but functioning physiologically mature people, yes sex drive and all, who have now been out on their own to a large degree. </p>

<p>I believe that the first step is to determine if the OP’s parents just want her to want to be with them. If that is the case, I think OP could point out that if the two parents were living apart (say a 4-6 week out of town work assignment), they would want to try to be together if feasible, so why is it unreasonalbe for OP to feel that way about her BF?</p>

<p>Since the issue is not OP having “sex” for the OP’s parents, then I cannot see what they could say to support their decision other than “OP, we are your parents. We miss you now that you are away at school. We are hurt when you choose to spend part of the break with BF, when we see you so infrequently.”</p>

<p>OP could take on the issue by telling the parents the blunt truth. “I have a life that includes more than just parents. I don’t revert to your little girl just because I’m home. I love you, but I feel hurt that you want to arrange it to force me to be here more than I care to be. You are putting a strain on me and my relationship with my BF. You wouldn’t put up with it if someone was trying to control you and keep you two apart.”</p>

<p>**My freshman S came home for Thanksgiving and X-mas. He has continued to grow and mature. I like what I see. He has friends, interests, relationships and desires that do not include me. THAT is as it should be. I worked hard to raise him to be able to leave and make his way on his own. </p>

<p>Just because it also causes me to sometime yearn for when he wanted to climb in my lap or tag along with me, I know its his time to pull away and I smile (sadly). But, hey, I have a great life, wife, job, friends and interests. </p>

<p>And, that’s what my S has now. Its just that now I’m only one among many people he wants in his life. </p>

<p>I ask myself, am I surprised he’d rather be with these friends than mostly with me? NO. Am I surprised that if given a chance he will choose to be with a female friend with whom he is intimate rather than be with me? H*ll, NO!</p>

<p>I sired him. I didn’t get ownership papers. And, guess what? I’d sugget OP didn’t come with owner’s papers either.</p>

126

<p>In the above scenario with your son does he come and tell you he wants to use your house for sex with his girlfriend?</p>

<p>There has been too much thought put into the OP’s thread. She wants an argument from us, to use on her parents, that will allow her to have sex either in her parents house or his. </p>

<p>No more, no less.</p>

127

<p>S’s GF now lives 1700 miles away. Phone sex? </p>

<p>FYI- I’ve already said that I’m indecent and class-less. I’d let GF stay in our house, if she came to visit, and would go to bed resting assured that any noises I heard in the hall were just my imagination.</p>

<p>Oh, while GF was here in town as a HS boarding student, she spent the night on two occasions. Wonderful girl.</p>

128

<p>In his bed?</p>

129

<p>No idea. The issue didn’t come up. Why would it?</p>

130

<p>Although I didn’t read the mid-part of the thread, if it hasn’t been mentioned yet: younger siblings are often an issue for parents. Add onto that the parents’ reasonable expectation that the b.f. from early college won’t be the last one, they’re not happy to see the younger sib process an image of older sib shifting partners over a period of several years, while their own sexual priorities are coming into form.
While the l9 year old certainly knows how committed she is. the younger sib of age 13 or 14 only perceives a changing cast of visitors and draws his/her own conclusions. The younger ones tend to flatten the age differences, too, assuming they should do as their older sibs, except several years sooner and with less time in-between. That’s been my perception raising 3, anyway.
AND, I couldn’t tell the older 2 how much I was factoring in the youngest, because they’d only hate him for that limitation. So I kept "youngest’ out of the conversation, atlhough he was very much on my mind. So it would be hard to read my motivations to impose some restrictions, since I didn’t care to share all of that.</p>

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<p>Paying3, I was thinking the same thing. Often there are younger sibs in the equation. When H and I were engaged and we’d spend holidays at my brother’s we always stayed at a B and B because he had a tween at his house. We were in our mid 30’s!</p>

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<p>Somehow I’m guessing that 07 Dad would not be concerned about the younger sibs. After all, they’re probably having sex too, right? Just leave a colorful bowl filled with condoms on the coffee table and if you want your nipple pierced while you’re there, you can count on him to give you a ride.</p>

133

<p>Heck, I give rides to people all the time and don’t limit it to those who only live their life by my rules. I’d give you a ride to get your nipple pierced without putting my two cents in.</p>

<p>Allowing your student who is past the age of consent to invite friends past the age of consent to the family home, providing seperate rooms and minding your own business is a philosophy that goes well, even in Boston. And, if you think kids past the age of 10 aren’t already aware of sex you’re wrong.</p>

<p>So, people give their underage children alcohol and say they need to have practice to know their limits before going to college. And, they let them drink at home on breaks. And, they encourage the kids to have parties at their homes on breaks rather than getting in trouble going underage to bars. </p>

<p>I don’t happen to offer that, but Sarahsmom42, say you thought that was a reasonable way to go, do you think you should be criticized for your personal decisions or should others mind their own business? Just asking.</p>

<p>FYI–I believe that if ones child is sexually active it might not be a bad idea to let them know where there are condoms in the house. What’s your suggestion? Hope they get pregnant to “show them?”</p>

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<p>Not really a whole lot you can discuss. Its is either YES or NO. Live with it until you are truely no longer a minor (21) and truely independent. </p>

<p>I think that all of the hundred of replies, mostly No, has scared the young lady.</p>

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<p>07Dad; While I agree with a lot of what you say, your statement brings up a bit of hypocrisy. Not on your part, but on the argument. You basically argue that there’s nothing wrong with a parent possibly acknowledging their child’s sexual activities and basically condoning it. Same with alcohol or whatever. The premise is; just because I or someone else doesn’t agree with it doesn’t mean that the person who does should be criticized. I AGREE WITH YOU 100%.</p>

<p>So, my argument then is; Based on the original poster’s question and/or innuendos; WHY ARE PEOPLE CRITICIZING HER MOTHER??? Shouldn’t her mother be allowed to have HER set of standards, morals, values, etc…? Shouldn’t the daughter respect those rules? Shouldn’t the daughter NOT BE TRYING TO CHANGE HER MOM’S OPINIONS? Sorry, but the argument from many about why the daughter SHOULD BE ALLOWED all these considerations is the same argument I pose to why the MOTHER should be given consideration. And in my opinion, the mother’s considerations SHOULD trump the daughter’s because the mother is the one who OWNS the house; PAYS FOR THE DAUGHTER; is legally responsible for her while she is still in school in many aspects; etc…</p>

<p>So, no argument here. I agree with a lot of the discussion. I just believe that the arguments being made FOR the daughter are the same ones that apply to the mother. And the mother trumps the daughter in this scenario.</p>

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<p>I think as parents in this day and age we have a tendency to forget that there are some situations where the best answer is “Because I said so.” </p>

<p>If a parent is fine with sleepovers then fine, but if not then I think that Because I said so is a perfectly valid reason. My wife and I used to tell our kids “no” sometimes when we had no other reason than they had to learn that the answer can’t always be yes.</p>

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<p>It is mom and dad’s house and they set the rules, right? </p>

<p>Prior to college, the children are usually legal minors (except some in their senior year) EXCEPT they are usually past the legal age for consent to sexual conduct. In essence and practically, mom and dad’s decision on any matter is “the law.” </p>

<p>Then comes college. By x-mas (usually), the student still is of age of consent and is only not of age to buy/consume alcohol. Their dorm has given them a home of their own, but usually shuts down, so the student is forced out. The tension comes because the student is essentially forced to go home (freshman year). Now, mom and dad’s “rules” change the student’s budding control over their own decisions. Clashes are likely.</p>

<p>Why do parents get surprised that their “kid” does not seem to really like/enjoy being home and spending time with them on break? To me, it seems pretty simple (although painful). The “kid,” as such, is gone forever.</p>

<p>Of course the owner of a home gets to establish the conduct acceptable for those who stay there. But, as with most decisions, they come at a cost. The cost to the parent is that the decisions can result in the student exploring options to not come home (soph year lots find other places to go). The cost to the student is the realization that to “have it their way” (which is part of being truly an adult) means they must cease to even think of their parents’ house as “home.” </p>

<p>This is what the ultimate seperation that achieves “adulthood” for the child requires. It is just painful for all involved.</p>

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<p>Sarahsmom, I agree with you that the mother in this situation shouldn’t be criticized. That’s why I wrote my responses as if the mother’s rules were my rules, even though in real life I doubt that I would establish the same rules. I’m not sure I agree with them in this case, but that’s not the issue.</p>

<p>If the daughter can’t think of her own arguments that can change her mother’s mind, then she’s not trying hard enough, she doesn’t have a good enough reason other than “Because I want to”, or the mother’s mind is not changeable.</p>

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<p>07Dad, part of the problem is the inconsistencies in the law. In NYS:</p>

<p>a) You can legally have sex with anyone that you want to at aged 17. </p>

<p>b) However, until age 18, the PINS law allows a parent to demand that a cop pick that kid up and bring he/she home and anyone preventing that would be committing custodial interference. </p>

<p>c) Despite the above laws, doctors and Planned Parenthood can give your 12 year old daughter an invasive gynecological exam without your consent or knowledge, can dispense chemical birth control to her that may be dangerous without lab tests or your knowledge, and can perform an abortion upon her and you may never know why your daughter came home and passed out when you call the ambulance.</p>

<p>d) If you are screwing at 17, you still cannot marry without consent at 18, and technically, pursuant to the PINS law, your parent can stop you from spending time with whomever they want.</p>

<p>e) You CANNOT purchase or drink alcohol until 21 (directed at your comment about alcohol and college-aged kids. My kid won’t be legal until her senior year of college). Anyone giving her booze at college can be charged with providing alcohol to a minor. And since my kid will still be 17 when she goes to college, if her roommate drinks in that room or brings in people who do, and they get out of hand, they could be charged with Endangering the Welfare of a Minor.</p>

<p>f) If your kid commits a crime over the age of 18 (and really even age 16 now, perhaps even younger), your kid can be tried as an adult. However, until the age of 21, you are legally financially responsible to pay for your kid’s assigned attorney if he/she does not have the funds. </p>

<p>g) If your kid becomes a public charge, meaning that your kid needs public assistance or medicaid for whatever reason before the age of 21, you can be taken to court by public assistance and be made to pay child support to the department of social services, who will then take all of it and send your kid $50 of it (may have changed the amount).</p>

<p>h) And as we all know, colleges think that your financial responsibility for your kid even extends past the age of 21, as in the case of medical school, where I believe parental income is still counted as late as age 24 (maybe later, not too sure).</p>

<p>i) Yet, the government contradicts itself by booting kids out of foster care at age 18 and also cuts children off from Social Security and Veteran’s payments at aged 18. So the government cares about making you pay past 18, even though they have no care about doing it.</p>

<p>So who is a “kid”?</p>

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<p>In the Parents cafe the op is a freshman. Over in college life <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/446914-parents-wont-allow-sleepover-bf.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/446914-parents-wont-allow-sleepover-bf.html&lt;/a&gt; she’s a sophomore. In both threads she’s a no show after page one. I don’t think she really cares what anyone thinks. BTW, I think the majority of posters in both threads agree with the parents!</p>