Sleepovers with BF?

Parent Cafe
101

<p>I read it as soozievt did- parents were said to be OK with their daughter being sexually active with the boyfriend. In these posts we have to take the OP for their word, can’t very well call up the parents and interrogate them about exactly how they feel. </p>

<p>Parents are only said to object to her “sleeping over” (as in getting some zzz’s) in her boyfriend’s bed. </p>

<p>Paradoxically, I do understand that there is a big difference- having sex and then leaving is <em>very</em> different from spending the night in bed, cuddled up with someone. The couple wants to have that, the parents don’t want their daughter to have that. Perhaps it has more to do with parents not wanting their daughter to get too entangled in that relationship?</p>

<p>As to why OP has disappeared- perhaps the motel doesn’t have internet access?</p>

102

<p>Just throwing this out. </p>

<p>Why would the parents object to spending the night for safety and cuddling, but not object to her having sex?</p>

103

<p>“As to why OP has disappeared- perhaps the motel doesn’t have internet access?”</p>

<p>LMAO</p>

<p>I knew there was a reason she had posted and ran – or posted and, well, somethinged.</p>

104

<p>jcoop91: Cuddling, sleeping, and subsequently waking up in the arms of a loved one is <em>far</em> more serious than having hurried sex and then getting back in the car. Maybe the parents subconsciously want to prevent that.</p>

105

<p>In OP’s almost identical post on the College Life thread on Jan. 8 she informed that she is a soph. in college (on this post isn’t she a freshman?) and is on the pill and her parents know this and are OK with it.</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/446914-parents-wont-allow-sleepover-bf.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/446914-parents-wont-allow-sleepover-bf.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>So, if OP is for real, she’s asking about the “house rules” and all the poster’s “helpfull” birth control advice is a little late.</p>

<p>I too think that “no sex” for 40 year old married “children” at the parents’ house is taking respect for Mommy and Daddy a little far.</p>

<p>And, those who want to turn the table on the student and ask what they would feel like if the parents asked to use their dorm room to have sex, I suggest that you consider that the answer may well be that the student would be happy the parents are still in love since not all college students have parents that love each other and still have sex with each other.</p>

<p>Since we all get old (or die), the idea of old-folks sex starts to grow on you. I think that once the children marry, the no “sex at the folks house” rule ceases to have any rational basis.</p>

106

<p>Even in that thread the “sex theme” is introduced in the second sentence. Distance and safety much later.</p>

<p>It is obvious that the objective is for her to find an argument from us, to use with her parents, so she can find a way to continue to have sex during break.</p>

107

<p>So, it appears that if posters are going to assist the OP in the manner she has requested, they need to suggest something they think will persuade the parents to change their position.</p>

<p>Not many posters have done so. If the posters are going to actually respond to her question, they need to drop the morality play (or take it elsewhere).</p>

<p>OP’s on the pill and sexually active AND her parents know it and have no problem. THAT is the set of given facts. </p>

<p>So, what argument can we give the girl other that argue that she should forget trying because she is “wrong” to (1) use birth control , (2) have sex without being married, (3) want sex during the winter break, (4) want sex more than on the weekends and/or (5) want sex at home rather than in a motel or car.</p>

108

<p>I think the basic premise that we have been responding is that there isn’t “something they think will persuade the parents to change their position.” I don’t happen to agree with her parents’ position, at least not on the facts presented, but I don’t think there’s anything she can do about it.</p>

109

<p>07DAD…I agree that there are all these tangents. </p>

<p>Back to her “dilemma”…I had suggested that she talk to her parents in a reasonable manner and ask the reason for their objection to stay at his house and for her to explain that it is simply too late at night to drive two hours back again. But if they are not OK with that arrangement, she can ask how to problem solve to see her BF over the break given the long distance. She can suggest that maybe he can come to their house and would it be OK if he slept in the guest room and that her bedroom and the guest bedroom be off limits? I think at her age, she should be able to work out some compromise to the issue that she’d like to solve of how to visit over the break. She may learn more about what their objections are (staying away from home during the break? sex? appropriateness in parent homes?, etc.). Rather than argue their “rule”…she should aim at her objectives and talk about problem solving and ask their suggestions of how she may be able to visit with BF over the winter break. And go from there.</p>

110

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<p>When my D’s b.f. came to visit our household around late sophomore year, and we showed him an empty guest room for him, separate from her room, he said,
"That’s pretty much what I expected. My mom said there’s always a ‘sense of the house.’ </p>

<p>I loved this phrase and at that moment knew she had found a terrific b.f. He was terrific because he had been raised to understand another person’s circumstances, even if different from his own.</p>

<p>I’d tell your b.f. that if he cares about your parents’ longterm opinion about him, he should simply give up at this moment on this subject. Short term vs. longterm goals, in other words. EVEN if he thinks your parents are wrong, irrational, short-sighted, etc. He should be trying to impress them a little bit, don’t you think?</p>

<p>For me, the different wrinkle in your story is that your parents’ thoughts here are causing you to be on the highway longer and later than is ideal. If it were me, I’d be all over the map with them problem-solving, as Soozie suggests in the previous post,
proposing sleeping bags in the living room apart, or any way to get you and him off the highways late at night, especially if you live in a NOrthern climate. I’d go for giving up on sex for 6 weeks, but aim for being able to visit as much as possible and sleep chaste at night to avoid highway driving.</p>

111

<p>I also agree about what to say to the boyfriend. He is getting on GF’s case that her parents have certain rules or may be unreasonable in their eyes and she can’t help it. Instead, he ought to suggest alternatives to ways they can visit and ask her to see if those can be worked out with her parents. Maybe he can drive to visit her for the day. And maybe it can’t be worked out (though it is worth the try). He should accept that she has to abide by them when she is at home. He can commisserate or help her to problem solve and approach her parents but not pressure her or make HER feel bad.</p>

112

<p>LOL, if in a southern climate, he should pitch a tent in their back yard and sleep there alone all night…</p>

113

<p>He also could visit her and if the drive back is too far late at night, find an alternate place to stay, if her parents won’t allow him in a guest room. There ARE solutions. A good discussion that is not simply complaining about the rules, but one that solves the issue at hand with a young adult and her parents really ought to be tried.</p>

<p>The D also should ask her parents the reason for their objection since they allow her to visit boyfriend at his college. She needs to find out what the issue is. For instance, they may say that while that is OK to them at school, they fear she may not look “good” in the BF’s parents’ eyes to spend the night at their house. Solution? Call and ask the other parents how they feel about D staying over in a guest room at their house. Maybe the girl’s parents’ reason is that she is home such a short while on break that they don’t want her to spend nights away from home. Solution, BF visits at HER house. And so on.</p>

114

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<p>LOL, my brother-in-law actually did this years ago when we went on vacation to Mexico and he couldn’t stand to be away from my sis (his GF). My mom felt so sorry for him that she ended up inviting him in to sleep on the floor of the hotel room!</p>

115

<p>“The other problem is that my boyfriend gets upset because of my parents stance- he thinks it is ridiculous given my parents know we have sex together, sleep together etc, anyways. If I cant get my parents to change their minds, how do I explain their stance to my boyfriend?”</p>

<p>It’s the boyfriend who seems most unreasonable to me. In fact, he comes across as being demanding, controlling, and having little respect for his girlfriend or her parents.</p>

<p>Whether or not one agrees with their rules, her parents have the right to parent however they choose. For the boyfriend to pressure his girlfriend in an attempt to force her parents to change their policy seems controlling and reflecting an undue sense of entitlement.</p>

<p>Parents have always had rules about their kids sexuality and living habits, and young (and old) lovers have found ways around those guidelines without demanding that the parents change their viewpoints. </p>

<p>I do wonder what kind of guy this is who seems to think that he can only sleep with his girlfriend under the circumstances if its under his parents’ or her parents’ roof. In fact, I think that there are some teens and other unmarried adults – including guys – who wouldn’t feel comfortable themselves sharing a room at their parents’ home with their sexual partner whom they weren’t married to or engaged to. To me, there’s an ick factor there.</p>

<p>Seems the young couple would want some real privacy, not whatever is available at their parents’ home while the parents are in the same house.</p>

<p>Cheap hotel rooms, secluded locations, friends who will lend one their apartments – all are ways that many couples managed to have sex and to sleep together without their parents supplying them with a bedroom.</p>

<p>I also think that the person who suggested that the OP’s parents may be reacting more to the time that they wouldn’t get to see their daughter, not the fact that she’d be sleeping over at her boyfriend’s house. Truth is that holidays are rare periods in which parents of college students get to see their beloved kids. If the OP is sleeping over at her boyfriend’s home, when would her family get to see her? Did she plan to just drop her laundry at her parents’ home, and spend the rest of the time with her boyfriend?</p>

<p>To me, it doesn’t seem like a big deal for her to be able to see her boyfriend only a couple of times during the holiday. Presumably she’ll have plenty of time to see him and sleep with/have sex with him afterward.</p>

<p>As for the question that the OP came here with, I don’t think there’s any way that she can get them to change their position. I think that she can decide to have a pleasant holiday with her family, however.</p>

116

<p>“those who want to turn the table on the student and ask what they would feel like if the parents asked to use their dorm room to have sex”</p>

<p>I guess if my parents’ house consisted of a 12x12 cinderblock space with a shared bath down the hall, like my sophomore dorm room, then turning the tables would be a sensible way to look at the situation, but that’s not the case. I can tell you that if my dorm room were a 4-bedroom, three-bath house with a family room and yard, I would happily hand over a double bedroom to my visiting parents, and I wouldn’t wonder or inquire about what they were doing in there.</p>

117

<p>Well said, Hanna. Great point. </p>

<p>This is just a typical three-way power struggle between parents, daughter and boyfriend. Nothing more, nothing less. </p>

<p>The girl has to take charge of her own destiny and speak up for herself, do what <em>SHE</em> knows is right for herself, and then simply inform the other parties. That is part of becoming an adult. Much more than just being able to pay the bills.</p>

118

<p>Vicarious, are you kidding? She’s going to TELL her parents in THEIR house what she’s going to do? I don’t think so. Simply informing the other "parties’? In their house? WHAT?</p>

119

<p>No, she can just tell them she is going to sleep over at her boyfriend’s IF that is HER decision AND she is ready to face the consequences. If not, she has to suck it up. I have consistently said that there is no question of her breaking house rules.</p>

120

<p>Wow. DH and I never even considered sleeping in the same room at my parents’ house or his parents’, before or after we were engaged. He and I never discussed it; neither set of parents ever brought it up. It just did not feel appropriate to us (and we were a long distance couple, so it’s not like we were shacking up at college every night!).</p>

<p>I am having my own dilemma with coed sleepover parties. Time for me to start another thread.</p>