I’m a junior in my undergrad at a smaller university (about 2,200 total undergrads) and this last semester the feeling of missing out hit me. A large Big Ten university is only a few miles away and there are many other smaller universities within a few miles. When I was a freshmen in high school both of my parents lost their jobs so I took it upon myself to work 40hrs a week in fast food and retail throughout high school as well as joining many school groups and becoming president of the student council. I did this in preparation for me to hopefully be successful so I would be able to help my parents and shield myself from a financial downturn like the one I grew up in. I’ve also had a chronic cancer condition since I was ten that regularly keeps me in the hospital for tests or operations. I place some blame on my not getting into the larger more prestigious university on my condition and upbringing struggles but I also believe that’s not fair because I really should have focused more on my grades. As I was deciding on colleges I knew I wanted to go out of state because I’m an independent person and was up for the challenge. A series of medical complications made that option more and more unattainable as I would have to switch my whole team of 8 different specialists and my parents weren’t comfortable with me being away and having operations. I ended up at this small university and thought I would make the best of it. Freshman year was good! I liked my classes and for the most part did well! My profs are great and they love having one on one talks with me about my aspirations because they’re intrigued by my story and experience. Many of them have said I’m a strong student and I’m kicking all the other student’s butts. I feel like my life has made me to mature faster than many of my peers and that is where some of my struggles are. I’ve never been into partying and getting blackout drunk 4 days a week but I’m envious of it because it looks fun and I want to be a kid since I feel I missed out on that to an extent. Sophomore year I started renting a house with my newfound college friends and I loved it. We get along great and I have the sense of independence. I’m referred to as the dad of the household because of my mature nature and because I handle dealing with bills and the land lord etc. We throw occasional parties and I have fun but don’t get drunk. I make sure everyone stays safe/healthy and deal with cops if they come. After the fall semester of sophomore year I came out as Gay and started seeing a guy for the first time. I had had a couple short hookup type relationships before but this was going to be my first time actually dating. My now ex and I dated that spring and I caught feelings for him. One of my friends caught him on a hookup app as he was on spring break and I wasn’t going to say anything until he got back. When he got back he ended it with me and I was heartbroken. He then would drunk text me every weekend saying he missed me and wanted to be back in my bed. I ignored these for a month then when he asked for a second chance I told him we could get dinner when school was back in session the next fall. As we started talking the next fall I had just been diagnosed with a new group of cancerous tumors and was anxious. He said he’d be there for me. The first night we slept together again his phone kept going off around 3am. 5 different guys had messaged him between 2:30 and 4. I brought it up and he said they were just friends. He did some challenge at his frat and stood me up for dinner because he was drunk with his bros. When I confronted him he started crying saying I was so perfect and he can’t imagine his life without me. I told him I just wanted to see some more effort and for him to earn some trust back hopefully. The next weekend I showed up at his frat and caught him talking to another guy, who was on his phone that night and who had brought him alcohol. He then claimed to not know who I was before literally running away from me back to his apartment. When we finally talked again the next week he blamed me saying I was crazy for showing up at his frat and him and the guy were just friends. Then he ended it again.
I feel envious of his school life with his frat and overall care free attitude because his Dad is a millionaire. I’m stuck paying for my expensive tuition and not having as much fun. I’ve blocked him now and we haven’t spoken in months though his friends still keep tabs on me. It’s dumb but I feel like I deserve some happiness for the struggles I have. I wish I was in a frat at a big university and liked partying because it looks so fun but it’s too late to transfer. Now I feel like a 40 year old stuck in the body of a college kid and just want to enjoy my last year and a half instead of comparing myself to him.
I’ve started counseling at my school and talk extensively with my friends. It has gotten better but I still feel like I’m playing this College game wrong… like maybe i should be getting blackout drunk like everyone else.
I know this got long and I don’t really know what I need but thank you for reading and I’d love to hear some advice 
Thank you
