<p>H and I had a potluck wedding at a piece of land owned by my H’s father and friends. We rented tents and bought a few kegs of beer (which didn’t end up getting drunk after all!), barbequed chicken and wedding cakes. Guests brought other dishes to contribute. It was lots of fun and very inexpensive. Sorry about your husband; children have the right to make their own choices as adults, and as parents it is our job to love them through their decisions. I hope your H reconsiders his position. :)</p>
<p>Oh gosh, how hard. My sister’s husband is Jewish, she did not convert but has no attachment to the religion of Christianity, they are bringing their daughter up Jewish. The wedding was a Jewish wedding (here in CA we’re pretty loose about things) and it was wonderful. Made us all cry, WASPs from CA and Jews from the Midwest alike. And BILs faith adds to our experience, we try to always support their celebration of Hanukah and Passover and the high holy days etc, while BIL is happy to come to us for Christmas. I think maybe it’s easier for him because we are really just atheist/agnostics who like Christmas trees and decorating Easter eggs but don’t have any particular connection to the faith.</p>
<p>We joke a lot, he jokes a lot. It’s been great for my family of origin. I know that kind of mixing and porous boundaries doesn’t work for everyone, so I hope you have whatever kind of happy ending is best for you and yours.</p>
<p>Theres the cultural difference in a nutshell. A Jewish father would be sitting shiva.</p>
<p>Absolutely not true – This little Jewish girl was married over 30 years ago (a time when inter-marriages were more frowned upon than they are today) to her wonderful Irish boy. Both my family and his couldn’t have been happier that we found each other. I think they must have been way ahead of their time. We have raised our 2 wonderful children in what we jokingly refer to as the church of the golden rule. We still consider ourselves spiritual even without organized religion. Marrying within one’s faith doesn’t guarantee marital bliss nor does marrying outside of one’s faith mean rough roads ahead. People make a marriage work with what’s in their hearts. I don’t feel an ounce of sympathy for this gal’s dad. Who is he to say who his daughter should or should not love? He’s simply a selfish man who I hope straightens up before his daughter and son-in-law (along with the grandkids) decide to ditch him. What will he have then – oh yes, his anger.</p>
<p>I also had a mixed marriage. My husband’s family the jews welcomed me with open arms. (none of them religious). My Mom who was a strong Catholic who became a baptist in her later years was not thrilled. She wondered for yrs how she had raised such a bunch of heathens (none of her children were regular churchgoers despite yrs of weekly mass and CCD). But she came around once she got to know my husband and we had kids. She supported my raising them jewish. I never told her I converted. She did try at my nieces baptism to convince us to just do my D who was the same age. She came to their Bar Mitzvahs. She came to realize that her children had for the most part picked kind gentle caring mates. She ended up with 2 jewish son in laws and an muslim daughter in law. the 2 kids who married in the faith are divorced.
We were married by a judge who was jewish whose wife was a cantor. He had a nice way of putting a few jewish things in the wedding. My husband broke the glass. And with respect to the jewish guests the wedding was not on saturday.
One think your husband can reassure is that regardless of his level of jewishness his grandchildren will always be considered jewish. I hope for everyone’s sake he comes around. Can your rabbi talk with him. It seems like such a common occurance.</p>
<p>This weekend H got a letter and little gift from D’s F. (The gift was a camel figurine-- years ago, H used to joke how many camels he could get as dowry for D) He read the letter and said to me, he could be the nicest guy in the world, but he’s not Jewish. I have a meeting scheduled with the rabbi tomorrow afternoon. I don’t want to anticipate, but I do believe he will say that family harmony and relationships are more important than F’s religion.</p>
<p>I second and triple the suggestion to have a small, casual wedding.
We are Jewish but my sister’s wedding to her second husband, non Jewish, was held at a friend’s house in the burbs – this 20 years ago. There was a ton of people including many young children so a babysitter or two were hired to play with the kids. My sister coordinated the menu and friends all made the food. It was warm and friendly. I think a Reform Rabbi married them. Good luck.</p>
<p>My brother and his wife were married in a Californian park–under some redwood trees with only the immediate family (still a medium sized group!). That was lovely. We went to a restaurant afterwards and had a lvoely meal. </p>
<p>As for the religion differences, I may have this in my future too–though one of my other brothers married in a synagogue with two priest in attendance and one of my best friends is a Portugese Catholic married to a Jewish doctor.</p>
<p>I hate to see k’s D give up a partially-Jewish wedding if that is who SHE is. Women often take the lead in the family’s religion–and maybe this is the start of her doing just that. In any event, as the mum, I wouldn’t want to put anything between my child and her faith. Faith is a tenuous business in 2005. Children need their parent’s support --even if it isn’t exactly according to recipe? Maybe the rabbi can offer more guidance…</p>
<p>Sounds like fun!</p>
<p>k- this wedding is not about what you or your husband want – it’s about what the kids want. Let your D have her memories HER way. Do you want her to look back on her wedding day and possibly have regrets that she ‘couldn’t’ incorporate jewish tradition in her ceremony because YOU weren’t ‘feeling’ it. How sad and ridiculous. You and your H are placing so much importance on such superficial things. It’s not your wedding or your marriage. Be supportive of any or all things that the kids want to do regarding THEIR wedding as long as it’s not illegal. </p>
<p>Your H is very fortunate that future son-in-law has a sense of humor at this point, but it won’t last when he sees how all of this dissention is going to be very hurtful to your D as plans become finalized and wedding day approaches. Both of you need to start thinking future GRANDCHILDREN and if you are going to want to be involved in their lives, you best have a good relationship with their parents.</p>
<p>I’m still confused, however, about what the problem is with your daughter’s fiance. He has agreed to let the children be raised Jewish. I assume that your daughter will continue to practice Judiasm as there was no mention of her converting. Why do either of you care what faith the fiance is? How does his faith affect your H? I’m having a hard timeunderstanding your H’s objections. </p>
<p>I wish your daughter the best with what sounds to be a wonderful guy. I hope she has the wedding of her dreams – whatever that may be – including incorporating any of the religious traditions into her wedding/ceremony she wants.</p>
<p>Kinshasa- I sent you a PM</p>
<p>This might be a bit out of your budget, but can be done inexpensively… how about chartering a boat? A captain can marry a couple when they are in international waters (or a certain distance from land, forget which). I went to a wedding on a boat, with buffet dinner afterward at a yacht club, that was absolutely lovely.</p>
<p>D says I’m the planner, she’s too busy with school and work. Once I have an idea of how big the guest list is, I’ll have something to work with. I’m not worried about the budget.</p>
<p>If you are the planner you have an opportunity to give your daughter the wedding she is looking for, in some ways, despite the family obstacles. I personally hope you get to have some fun…</p>
<p>New development: F sent H a long thoughtful e-mail detailing his spiritual development, his interest in Judaism, his desire to convert, and asked for guidance on some literature to start him. H forwarded me the e-mail. The tone of the e-mail was that of a soul searcher, someone sincerely interested in finding G-d. It was obvious that F had considered this for a while. Not one of those conversions strictly for purpose of marriage. H was impressed by his honesty and in retrospect, telling H about the conversion possibility was the right thing to do. Now H is in the “helping” mode. He will encourage him in the process and suggest books, classes, etc.</p>
<p>Kinshasa, congratulations on your D’s coming wedding. I feel for you very much with the situation which your H is putting both you and your D in. I’ve been through the opposite situation. My best friend growing up married a wonderful Jewish man and her father objected and never forgave her when she didn’t end the relationship. He was stubborn and made the decision to shut her out of his life. He missed a lot, a wonderful son-in-law who made his D so very happy, four wonderful grandchildren, whom he refused to see. He died without ever having seen or hugged any of his grandchildren. Why people make decisions like this I’ll never understand. I hope your H doesn’t put your family through a similar situation. My best wishes.</p>
<p>K
It does sound like your H is coming around. And I can’t argue with his skepticism; many times women offer to convert, but do not follow thru. Xmas trees go up, gifts arrive in Xmas wrappings, and Babtisms are mentioned occasionally. In your case, your D can set the tone in the house. Adding some Jewish flavor/traditions into the wedding ceremony can portend to the rest of their married life. I don’t know how religious your H is, but the extent of his observance would definitely make an impact.</p>
<p>“Church of the Golden Rule”-- beautiful!</p>
<p>My small mixed-marriage wedding was PERFECT-- held in a really beautiful garden/courtyard style gourmet restaurant. Think of the efficiency… no schlepping to another location; no second set of decorations, etc. </p>
<p>The reason we did this was not religious, it was that we wanted phenomenal food for the wedding (having been to one as guests a few months earlier that had grim, scant hors d’oeuvres and increasingly drunk & starving guests who were seriously tempted to order a pizza!)</p>
<p>I stood in the lobby & greeted people; we served champagne to arriving guests. (Thought it was a friendlier than everyone waiting around stuffily for my dramatic arrival.) </p>
<p>Another innovation: I delegated. “Mom: do invitations. Pick whatever is tasteful. Cousin florist-- do romantic flowers that smell good.” I was so not stressed about the wedding. A friend of mine who caters weddings told me that there are people who want to get married and people who want to be brides. She worries about the ones who want to be brides! </p>
<p>We had a jewish judge who threw in some yiddish. H & I wrote our own ceremony. It was beautiful and perfect and ours. </p>
<p>Then we all feasted on this incredible Chez Panisse type meal. YUM.</p>
<p>I never converted. Like Alu’s sister, I have raised my kids Jewish respecting H and his tradition and lacking any alternative religion. H’s Mom & Dad are divorced. When H’s Mom, a very serious Jew, remarried— she picked a methodist. 
My parents the athiest and panthiest were mostly worried that my kids would not be skeptical/questioning enough. </p>
<p>As it turns out I think my kids have a great balance of skeptical and traditional/reverent. </p>
<p>Bat Mitzvah of D was at our home with Reform Rabbi. Bar Mitzvah of S was at my friend’s office building (spectacular view building.) Both tiny, personal ceremonies, written by us, very much our family style. My Dad managed a yarmulke and wiped his eyes too. Kids nailed that Hebrew and what an accomplishment for them. </p>
<p>As my H said, a Bar Mitzvah is mostly a chance to tell your kids how much you love them. That’s what weddings are: two people telling how much they love one another, and everyone who loves them witnessing it.</p>
<p>If everyone lightens up these things can work. We do our own thing and it seems to suit our family. Luckily nobody on either side gets bent out of shape by our innovations. Hopefully when our kids depart on their own paths and bring in new traditions, we will remain cool too.</p>
<p>women offer to convert, but do not follow thru. Xmas trees go up, gifts arrive in Xmas wrappings, and Babtisms are mentioned occasionally</p>
<p>When people marry outside of their religion even if THEY have converted, their extended family and friends haven’t converted. Is the convert supposed to renounce his/her family and friends? Should he not receive or give Christmas presents or go to Baptisms. Is the married couple supposed to keep the convert’s former religion a secret from the children and have them think that other set of grandparents are Jewish, too? What if out of respect to parents the convert wants to host a dinner at Christmas time if family happens to be visiting then. A Christmas tree is not a religious symbol – so what if it goes up? </p>
<p>Even though F is willing to convert, don’t forget that he is going to come into this Jewish family with lots of goyisha baggage – family and all. H needs to realize and accept this and I hope he does.</p>
<p>CM
Sorry I offended. I was referring to a wife putting up Xmas tree, taking children to church, etc. I think it would be great to spend Xmas with the relatives. Sharing holidays with friends of different faiths is always fun.</p>
<p>Sorry to jump down your throat Bookworm. I guess I’m just overly sensitive to this topic. </p>
<p>I do wonder, however, how religious kinshasa’s family actually is, or did Judiasm suddenly rear its head because of the wedding/marriage.</p>
<p>“I do wonder, however, how religious kinshasa’s family actually is, or did Judiasm suddenly rear its head because of the wedding/marriage.” (sorry I’m not savvy on CC quoting)</p>
<p>Well, let me tell you then.</p>
<p>My family davens at Chabad. We left the Conservative synagogue after many years because we were looking for more spirituality than politics, money, and society.</p>
<p>I attended an Orthodox day school for several years. I was raised in a kosher home as was my H. Obviously, we keep a kosher kitchen. We attend Shabbas and Yontif services. H goes to maariv minyan almost every night. He just took off 4 week days from work so he could attend the four full holy days of Succos.</p>
<p>We are not strictly shomer Shabbas, but we do not accept social invitations from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. </p>
<p>Perhaps BECAUSE of our commitment, this situation has been more difficult than for bagels and lox Jews. Judaism did not “rear its head” because of this engagement.</p>