<p>No matter what the outcome it is smart that your D and her fiance are talking about these important things early. I can’t even count the number of friends who have mixed marriages and haven’t discussed what religion the children will be raised till they are already born and some intense battles are begun.
I made the choice to convert while pregnant with my oldest. I didn’t tell anyone but my husband. we went to classes together at a jewish uni and I made the decision on my own. My husband was not pushing but did feel he couldn’t raise his kids christian. I have heard this happen in several cases of families where they didn;t think religion was an issue and when children were involved the whole prospective changed.
Christmas is an important thing to discuss. I know many christian spouses are surprised that raising the kids jewsih means no christmas tree or lights on the house and no easter basket and egg hunt. Especially since for so many americans they are seen in a secular light not a religious one. We never did any Christmas decorations or presents. But for my Mom Christmas was her holiday. We always went to her house for the holiday and celebrated with them. The kids got christmas gifts from my side of the family. But the kids were always clear it was not their holiday. And never have asked for a tree at our house.
I am of the feeling regardless of what religion you pick in a mixed marriage you pick one and stick with it. I am not a believer in doing both. Though I know many families who do. Having been raised a Catholic I firmly believe there are strong differences that can’t be combined. Mainly the issue of Jesus. Which is present in one and not the other and you don’t do justice to either when you try to do it all.
Kinshasa- I hope it all works for your family and your husbands stubborness has brought forth issues that are important and need to be worked out. Much better prewedding then yrs later on the therapists couch.</p>
<p>I didn’t mean to offend you. I now understand how deeply rooted your religious convictions are and can better understand how difficult and sad this is for you. </p>
<p>I’m assuming that your daughter doesn’t share your degree of religious committment and, if so, she probably never will whether she marries a Jew or not. It occurred to me that your husband’s fear may be that by marrying outside the Jewish faith, this may take D even further away from Judiasm. Hopefully, this is his fear and D can reassure him that her beliefs are not going to change but may even be strengthed or renewed by fiance’s interest in conversion.</p>
<p>On a side note, good friends of ours are being married this coming weekend. She is Irish Catholic and he an Orthodox Jew. They have built a second kitchen in their house! He doesn’t plan to be any less Jewish because he is marrying a shiksa.</p>
<p>I just hope you let your daughter have her wedding her way and support her in every way you can. It’s no disrespect to the religion to want to incorporate some Jewish traditions. I’ll bet you had the luxury of having your wedding the way you wanted it – let your daughter do the same.</p>
<p>kinshasha - I haven’t had a chance to read the whole thread, but I am the product of a “mixed marriage” - mother Jewish, father Roman-Catholic. I had the good fortune of parents who honored and respected each other’s religions, cultures and heritages. So, obviously, there is great tolerance in our extended family re “mixed marriages” in the younger generations.</p>
<p>As such, I have been to the weddings of all 3 of my cousin’s kids, my own cousin and my best friend’s daughter to “goyim.” We’re talking reform and conservative here; don’t know whether your family is conservative or orthodox (guessing not reform?) At each of these ceremonies, admittedly none by a rabbi, there have been ceremonies which honor both heritages. The breaking of the glass was definitely one of the elements incorporated into each and what “felt” like a chuppah was also in each, as jym626 says. The conservative grandparents and cantor great-uncle played roles in each So, I hope you will allow yourself that, if you and the kids would like.</p>
<p>I’m in the camp that thinks maybe, and hopes, that your H will come around. Leave him an opening so he doesn’t have to lose any more face than necessary if he is able to do so.</p>
<p>Sounds like you’ll have two weddings–a lovely civil ceremony, and hopefully a Jewish one later. A young couple, new to our synagogue, had a Jewish wedding a year after their civil one, when the conversion was complete. The bride’s family would not have known what to do so the congregation was most helpful in arranging a special day for the couple, with a festive “nosh” afterwards. I helped by providing music for the ceremony.</p>
<p>Maybe you should explain to dear H about the groom’s interest in Judaism? Reassure him that all is not lost and maybe he’ll feel free to enjoy the “first” wedding. Good luck!</p>