<p>Honestly, my mother is just driving me crazy. She resents every minute I am doing anything with our kids, wants everything to be on HER time-frame, at HER convenience. It all feels like a test- who do I love more? Her? My husband? Kids? Inlaws? ("what? you went to (d’s) tennis match, but didn’t have time to (drive 90 minutes to) take me out to lunch?)
Its all coming to a head over the 2 graduations (college and HS) we have coming up in the next month- on top of mother’s day, father’s day, and memorial day-- I just know that she is going to make a huge scene, have some kind of health emergency, or brew a huge fight over something or other. Anyone have any suggestions about celebrating this wonderful family milestone, but keeping her happy, in spite of the fact that the focus cannot be on her?</p>
<p>Gosh. What a tough situation! Your mother wants to be one of your kids!</p>
<p>I can’t help with suggestions. My mother is too darling for words and she is a complete grown-up, unlike the sounds of your mum. </p>
<p>::cyber hug!::</p>
<p>It sounds like that no matter what you do, it will never ever be enough. You need to see that. Once you do, you will stop trying. She can only drive you crazy if you let her. Think about it. </p>
<p>I bet she was the same when you were younger. </p>
<p>She is bullying you. If she makes a scene, walk away. If she whines, walk away. Say, Mom I love you but you are pushing me away. When you can be reasonable, we can talk. </p>
<p>And, remember, a person can not fight alone. If you don’t allow yourself to be pulled into her drama, she will have no one to fight with.</p>
<p>“Mom, I am doing my best, I wish you loved me for that” Say it over and over.</p>
<p>So, today, be brave. Make up a schedule. Sit down and preface conversation with, its a very busy time coming up, and this is what I need to do and how MY family wants to do it. You are included here and here and here. This event needs to be just Mom Dad and Kids. I did this because its so confusing with everyone needing so much all at once, I thought this way everyone can see everything going on. I know you will appreciate this because it will make everyones life easier."
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<p>Don’t blame her in this conversation. Just be strong. YOU ARE AN ADULT and keep telling yourself that. I know its hard. Been there.</p>
<p>So when mom complains, say, mom, remember the schedule, I really need to stick to it. Maybe this Saturday we can meet for coffee. Take some control. Set boundries and don’t back down. If mom is mad, so what. She is not respecting you or your family. She may pout, may be stubborn, may in fact ignore you for a short time. But is that so different from what she is doing now? You will be approaching her in a mature fashion, with respect for HER time. Let her have a fit. Ignore it. If she has a “health” emergency, do the minimum to make sure she is safe. But don’t fall into her trap.</p>
<p>I sound harsh, but you have other people you need to worry about. She has gotten away with this behavior for a long time, I am sure.</p>
<p>See, there is a reason some of us live far away from parents and inlaws ;)</p>
<p>I agree with cheers…your mother is acting like a spoiled child.
Sorry you are dealing with this.</p>
<p>Wow - love citygirls’sMom’s advice! Right on.</p>
<p>I once heard that, when people keep asking you something and you change your response (“No” becomes “See, here is the problem, so I can’t”), they think they are getting somewhere. Be firm, be consistent, and keep saying the same things over again. It’s not that she isn’t hearing you, or doesn’t know that your kids are a priority - she just doesn’t like it.</p>
<p>Annelise:</p>
<p>I think citygirlsmom is right, your mom wants control and it will never be good enough. </p>
<p>Sounds like my H’s parents. They are very manipulative and try to pull hispuppet strings. he has recognised this and is pretty good at avoiding the tugs, but sometimes it is still easy to be suckered. If they are too outrageous, you can see it, if they are more subtle, sometimes you can get caught up in it all and try to please them!</p>
<p>Yay citygirlsmom.</p>
<p>that’s incredibly insightful. and succinct. I love you. I’m printing this out and keeping it right with me. Are you a psychologist? or just a commiserator? You “speak” with such clarity. Thanks again</p>
<p>Good advice. </p>
<p>I would only add: if this behavior has escalated over time a medical/psych evaluation might not hurt. She may need a pill! Otherwise, if no escalation, she just IS a pill.</p>
<p>Enjoy your milestones!!</p>
<p>All through the day, I-me-mine, I-me-mine, I-me-mine.</p>
<p><em>Smoky the bear voice</em>
Only YOU can prevent senility.</p>
<p>No, I don’t want to vent about my parents. They both died within the past 6 years, and I’d be glad to put up with some hassles to have them back.</p>
<p>Ah, I have one of those moms too. citygirlsmom’s advice is the best I’ve ever seen/heard (aside from a psychotherpist saying to just move away and not call or write)! I’m sure you love her dearly…but it’s really, really tough to maintain a relationship with moms like this. </p>
<p>Annelise, is your dad around?</p>
<p>Can’t you give her some magnificently difficult dish to cook for the meals…which will keep her busy, make her feel useful, and give her something to talk about during the meal (so she can focus on herself and everyone can give her the hundreds compliments she needs to survive another day)? </p>
<p>hang in there…and read citygirlsmom’s post ten times! You’re not alone.</p>
<p>P.S. I have a mom who initially refused (angrily and in tears, doors slamming) to come to my wedding because she didn’t know what she would wear…seriously (no there were not other issues). The months leading up were all about her and shopping for her dress. I went with her to buy it. She didn’t come with me to buy mine - said she didn’t understand what help she could be. And, when my aunt/godmother gave me a check for the majority of the wedding expenses, my mom stopped speaking to her until she died 2 years later(my aunt)…and got mad at my dad when HE spoke to her (though, it was his sister who was dying of cancer) Don’t get me started…</p>
<p>No, no dad, mom is on her own. Thanks for all the support. Keep it coming.
Good news just came in email, tho-- for the college graduation that I have really been stressing over,(thought was going to be melee, castof thousands,no seats, no parking, and probably bad weather to boot-- I know because I graduated from the same college a bunch of years ago), turns out there is going to be some reserved seating for alumni. So at least I will have a place to park her. Another reason to hate legacy applicants, maybe? But be happy for me!</p>
<p>One word: Euthanasia</p>
<p>I don’t mind venting. I lost my dad 10 years ago in a car accident, and it just recently occurred to me that I spent most of my relationship with him trying to impress him. I don’t think he really paid much attention to me or my sisters, and all of us spent every opportunity we had in his company trying to get him to even SEE us. How sad is that? When I got married, we were in the church waiting for the music to start so he could walk me down the aisle, and I swear to God, he was only concerned that his bow tie was uncomfortable and he didn’t like the color of the tie and cumberbund. He didn’t say word one about me, my wedding dress, or my future with my new husband. I hate that I wasted so much energy on him.</p>
<p>annelise - I understand where coureur is coming from, since I lost my parents many years ago - Gone Too Soon. Still, neither of my parents (and I’m betting neither of coureur’s) were anything like what annelise and others are talking about. </p>
<p>I have seen these It’s All About Me parents - hogging the attention at college graduation fighting with ex about who sits at head of table, etc. etc. Totally ignoring graduate would be one thing, but creating stress/arguments instead of allowing a little joy. What’s up with that?</p>
<p>Since CC is my life, I suggest that annelise whip out her wireless laptop when Mom starts in. Start typing, venting and remind yourself of cgm’s wise advice: “Stop trying, you can never do enough, so don’t try.”</p>
<p>Both mothers are very selfish and have been getting worse each year. It does make it difficult to deal with them. As different as each mother is, they are nearly identical in their view that they are the matriarchs of the family and are due all respect, attention, honor,etc, even though they have done little to earn accolades in the last 20 years. I am so envious of those who have grandparents interested in their lives. H and I do what is the right thing for both grandparents, but they are not making it an enjoyable experieince as it is never enough.</p>
<p>MIL - OMG it would take me a minimum of five thousand pages to just get started! Most of my friends & I have elderly parents that we need to care of (not to mention yard work, etc.) plus have teenagers plus the menopause issue. By the time I reach 50 I will probably be dead from the stress and everyone else will still be alive and kicking:)</p>
<p>Good luck, and just remember no matter what you do it will be wrong so just do what you can.</p>
<p>LOL at the thought of whipping out my laptop… are you kidding? if I don’t answer my cell for an hour while I am at YOGA, she complains that she “never knows where I am”, yet if I try to put her on call waiting while she is on the phone she hangs up!
I love the wedding stories-cuz, yup-- been there done that!
But I do believe that all of us have tried hard to parent in a different, much kinder way. But…(ominous music) can we avoid (more music) becoming them one of these days?</p>
<p>I would exceed any limit that CC would put on the size of a post if I wrote about my father, so I won’t start. However, my mother is perfect in every way :)</p>
<p>Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!!! :)</p>