<p>My H and I have four complete psychos, each in a different way. I will give your the Reader’s Digest condensed version cause my rant could go to a seven volume set:</p>
<p>My Dad-- insane. Spent most of my childhood ticked off at whoever was standing nearby. Very uptight. Got on psychoactive drugs about 7-8 years ago, became instantly nice. Gets along with everyone now. Thinks we’ve all changed. Still married to my Mom.</p>
<p>My Mom-- insane. Not on any drugs-- and this is a pity. She is really nice but has OCD type syndrome something fierce. Her version of OCD means she is an incredible packrat, & won’t see a doctor. She nearly died when her appendix burst; her answer to appendicitis was to get in bed with a tylenol and she went septic. Is sooooo busy with 10,000 things, she scarcely has a moment for her grandchildren. (Though annelise’s story is making me appreciate the advantages of this!) She means well, but it’s like she’s scarcely ever tuned in to her family. However, she was a very nice mom when I was a kid.</p>
<p>H’s Mom-- insane. Now taking medication (we think) as she has not had a hissy fit over anything for about a year, and this is a major record. Has had 4 facelifts. Has more energy than 9 toddlers on Hawaiian Punch wathcing the Power Rangers. Her very good point is that she actually WORSHIPS the kids and really makes time for them and also takes them to cool places. Divorced from H’s Dad for 30 years; remarried to nice, good 'ol buy who passed away a few years ago.</p>
<p>H’s Dad-- insane. Petulant and babyish. He was out in Calif. for my son’s Bar Mitzvah a few months ago, and because he thought (incorrectly) that he’d be expected to <strong>dine at the same table</strong> with his ex-wife, he stormed off. Day of ceremony dawns, no grandpa there. Unbeknownst to us, he’d grabbed his wife & flown home!! Nice!</p>
<p>My 3 Ss’ grandparents are long gone except for my mom. She moved half way across the country to live near my sister 2years ago. S2 goes to school nearby & has developed a great relationship with her; he even brings his laundry to her apt, uses machines in her bldg, eats dinner with her and visits. S3 has girlfriend who moved to the same city so when he flies in to see GF he visits my mom. It is so nice for my mom to get to know my kids as adults cuz they used to fight non stop as children and
teens.</p>
<p>I’ve noticed what some of you seem to be experiencing: at no point of being a grown-up do some of us feel the obligation to be mature.</p>
<p>Just as our children change over time (which makes sense) and we change over time (which makes sense to us), our parents change as well. Retirement; illness or just the limitations of conditions like arthritis;adjusting to being moved further from the time when they occupied the center of their families’ universe to the margins of it; seeing more familiar faces in the obituary column and grappling with spirituality and mortality in a more urgent way than ever before can make them either crabby or beatific, depending on their self-image and ability to adapt to change.</p>
<p>For anyone with parents old enough to have survived the Depression and WWII, a book recommendation: “Another Country” by Mary Pipher, the psychologist who wrote “Reviving Ophelia”. A good read that provides real insight into that generation.</p>
<p>I am finding the juxtaposition of the two threads about mothers VERY amusing. On the one hand, complaints. On the other hand, paeans to perfect moms.</p>
<p>In my household, it’s possible to earn “perfect mom” points. For example, I recently earned a bunch of perfect mom points by arranging for my son to bring his girlfriend to visit this summer. My son earned a few “perfect kid” points with his last grade report. (He promptly cashed them in by calling and asking for money, though.)</p>
<p>Key to this concept is the idea that one’s status as perfect anything rises and falls.</p>
<p>What does this have to do with my mother? My mother died 3 years ago, still angry with all of us that we had never chosen to do exactly what she said. She spent most of her life furious at one thing or another. (She once managed, in a single evening, to tell my sister that she shouldn’t leave teaching because it was such a noble profession, and tell me I shouldn’t enter teaching because “those who can, do; those who can’t, teach”—thereby offending both of us within half an hour of each other.) When put on tranquilizers to help her lung function (she had emphysema), she quit taking them after a few days because “they make me feel ‘nice’, and I hate that.”</p>
<p>As Mother’s Day approaches, my sadness is not that my mother is dead–I honestly have yet to feel anything but relief at not getting that weekly furious phone call–but sadness that her life was so unhappy that all she could convey to her children was anger. I am fortunate that there were many other mothers who didn’t mind hugging a borrowed child.</p>
<p>As my children were growing up, I was so aware that my mother was unapproachable that I made sure that my children had “second mothers,” mothers of their friends who made them feel welcome in their homes. And I do try to make sure I get at least a few perfect mom points from time to time.</p>
<p>dmd77 - Your incident over the teaching comment brings to mind what my MIL said at Thanksgiving several years ago. To make a long story short my BIL is a dermatologist and my husband is a general manager. At dinner my BIL said that he was getting gray hair. Later in the day I noticed that he really was getting gray & I kiddingly mentioned it (something like wow, you really do have some gray hair) along with the fact that my husband didn’t have any grays. My MIL immediately says, “Well, that’s because he has an important job (sounding like she was saying my husband doesn’t)!” OMG we all almost died I kid you not. I still think the only reason she said it was because no one says anything about HER boys! Not meaning anything about my husband.</p>
Wow, dmd7–this sounds like my mom, whose philosophy was something like, “If you can’t find anything critical to say, you’re obviously an idiot.” </p>
<p>Just one example: Many years ago my previously unathletic husband lost a great deal of weight and ran the NY City Marathon for the first time. My mom wanted to know what his time was, and when she heard it was just under 4 hours, her response was: “Oh. Did he come in last?”</p>
<p>She died 3 years ago too–do you think we’re long-lost sisters? ;)</p>
<p>just one incident with my mom
My mom has a very spotty mental health back ground- she has been on strong meds for the past 24 years- at times on thorazine- risperadal- xanax- oxycontin etc ( I don’t think all at same time)
She also has a history of being fairly irresponsible. When my father had taken an overdose for example- she delayed calling 911 because she wanted to teach him a lesson-she did. He died.</p>
<p>During this period I was a single mom- my husband and I had been seperated for over a year( I asked him to leave to deal with his alcohol issues) and not only money was very tight- but I couldnt’ remember when I had had a full nights sleep ( my younger daughter had lots of problems)
I was on the phone with my mother- and she started pushing all my buttons- telling me I should “make” my husband do this, & I should “make” him do that. That if I wasn’t willing or able to “make” him, then I obviously didn’t need it done. She went on and on about how I was a failure and was wasting my life.
Instead of hanging up, which I would have done had I been more rested- I kept listening- but grew more and more frustrated.
Finally- I said to her “I suppose you think I shoudl kill myself then?”
THEN I hung up.
I immediately tried to call her back realizing that to say something like that to someone like her who will take things how ever she wants was a BAD idea to say the least.
Unfortunately- the line was busy- for several minutes and when I finally got through to her- she had her concerned mother voice on.
She totally disregarded that she had pushed me to make such a comment & instead had over reacted and called the police claiming that I was in danger of hurting myself.
When they responded that, unless I had done something, they couldn’t intervene, she claimed that I had also threatened the children as well.
With this statement- they sprang to attention and assured her that the children would be protected and that I would get help.
When I reacted with horror upon her responses, she replied that " I needed help and she wanted to make sure I got it"
What happened was this
Both my children were immediately removed from school by police officers
I was arrested and handcuffed from my home and taken to jail- I was not allowed any phone calls until the next day- although I had no one to call- my husbands parents did not allow calls from me since we had been seperated ( that was where he was staying)- I could not call my mother as phone calls to her house were blocked from jail- I had to call a friend who then relayed messages. I had no idea what was going on.
I was in jail for three days ( mandatory). While I was placed on the psych ward @@ I did not see a psychiatrist the whole time I was there despite what my mother had thought would happen.
Upon release I had to go to court and I had to get a psychiatric recommendation that I wasn’t dangerous ( $$$$)
Again with the court- I wasn’t allowed to see the kids- I had to live somewhere else- it was an unimaginable mess.
I had social workers who were supposed to come and advise me.
I eventually was allowed to see the kids if someone else was present. It took a long time to clear up.
When finally it was cleared up and I was allowed to live in my house with my kids, the schools apparently werent told. My older daughters school didn’t have a problem( in fact I attended a musical at her school the day I was discharged from jail not knowing that I wasn’t supposed to have contact)- but when I tried to pick up my younger daughter from school( after the court case was cleared up)- I was unceremoniously taken to the vice principals office and informed that I was a danger to the students and to my daughter and that since they had not received anything regarding the closure of the case I couldn’t take her home. I could see their point- but still…
I had to call someone else to pick her up.
This case jsut went on and on & I really couldnt’ see a reason for it.
When little children die at the hands of their drug addict parents when they have files 5 " thick- & CPS excuse is that they are so over worked and understaffed but they harrass me because of a complaint by someone who obviously has her own issues?
IT was really crazy.
My husband and I finally decided the reason why CPS made so much of my case was that here was a case that they could close and feel good about- but they had to make it seem like they had done something to help first
:eek:</p>
<p>well at least she doesn’t expect me to entertain her
She is off on a cruise of the Panama canal as I type ( although she had refinanced her condo that was originally paid for to cover her credit card bills- she says when they get too high she will sell her condo to cover them and move in with my brother who wants her to take care of his daughter)
So I probably wont have the problem that many of my friends do which is taking care of parents who can’t take care of themselves anymore but bitterly resist moving to a residential care facility or even a smaller place. Some of my friends have even had to trick their parents and forcibly make them leave.
so sad.</p>
<p>What stories, what pain. Let’s at least go into the great Mother’s Day charade together with the knowledge that we are not alone in our feelings of disappointment over our less-than-perfect mommies.</p>
<p>I have to mention my friend, who, following the death of her father, took her cranky and relatively infirm mother to see a well located, highly rated assisted-living facility.The mother turned up her nose: didn’t want to be there. It was <<too nice=“”>>.</too></p>
<p>I didn’t always see eye to eye with my parents. I could tell you stories about both of them that would top any that have been written here. </p>
<p>Now, they are both gone. </p>
<p>I can not tell you how many times I wish I could spend one more day arguing with my father or having my mother drive me crazy. Sorry folks, but life is short. Love them, warts and all, and learn to forgive their faults now, while they are still alive.</p>
Thank you for this, Annelise. While I can sympathize with the feelings of those who miss their departed parents, it’s a relief for others of us to speak frankly about our ambivalence.</p>
<p>Yikes, Emeraldkity4! How horrible for you! Are you and Mom on speaking terms today? Did she ever realize the horrible pain she put you through with her actions?</p>
<p>oh yes I still speak to her- I don’t speak to my sister at all really of course that is because she thinks my family is tainted ( we are * liberals* and my oldest is a lesbian )-and she still is angry about our mother giving away dresses she had as a toddler/preschooler that she wanted to give her girls- so I have the attitude of * get over it* with my sister.
My brother I speak to very occasionally- he lives across the country and he is a Mr know it all- lecturing me about my kids- allowing his 6 year old to get on the line when we are talking and interrupt- and complaining about his exwife ( who I am amazed put up with him as long as she did)
Im not saying all Republicians are sanctimonius but these two are- and my mother is my only other relative I have in the area.</p>
<p>She also doesn’t really “get it”. She has always taken the path of least resistance and I really don’t understand why. She went to the university- married my dad when he threatened suicide if she didn’t and tells people whatever they want to hear and then does what she wants.
I feel sorry for her- but I wish that my kids had at least one normal relative to connect with-</p>
<p>I am bracing myself for a visit from Mom. She is something of a malcontent, and often quick to criticize. When my hardworking son’s college acceptances arrived, and we were over the moon, she started harping on the fact that he has never had a paying job. When he made his college choice, and it was not the one she approved of, her response was, “Well, he can always transfer . . .”</p>
<p>from Harvard.</p>
<p>I appreciate everyone sharing their stories. I’m sure I’ll be rereading this thread in the next few days.</p>
<p>My mother sounds just like yours, but emeraldkity4’s mom is far worse. Mine didn’t speak to me for two years when I moved from the east coast to the west coast, but that is mild compared to some of these other stories. I will be printing this thread out for future reference.</p>
<p>Wow, this has really become a support group. Can I join?</p>
<p>I spend one or two days a week with my 84 year old mother who refuses to even look at a senior community or assisted living. We siblings spot each other to make sure that she has what she needs. She has no problem being the center of attention and, in fact, insists upon it. She has significant medical symptoms but won’t go to the doctor, has no interest or concern other family members except to relay gossip…all the usual stuff. She would love one of us to divorce so that there would be someone available to entertain her at all times. I can’t recall her ever saying something nice about anyone or anything. She fractured her pelvis last year and the first thing they did at the hospital was to get her on antidepressants. The drug raised her ability to cope a bit, but not enough. She is the most self absorbed person on this planet…like some of the parents mentioned above, she seemingly could care less about her grandchildren except when there is something negative to say. </p>
<p>Our relationship was never great and I have a long list of reasons to resent my role as caretaker yet it still truly saddens me to have this kind of relationship with her and to dread our days together. How can I still feel guilt and regret about a woman who, when I called her in the midst of my second miscarriage, said that she couldn’t stay on the phone, that her miscarriage had been worse and to call her when it “was over”. I did not hear from her again until she called nearly a month later to say that she and my father were arriving to stay with me for three weeks over Christmas. No invitation had been extended.</p>
<p>The drive to see her is two hours each way so I have time to reflect and stew after every visit. I have theories about the reasons for her behavior but at a certain point there is just no excuse that is good enough.</p>
<p>Classic mother remark (that she has even said in front of the grandchildren)…“Well, I won’t be a burden to my children. When you all become sick of me I will take a handful of pills or put a gun to my head.” </p>
<p>My younger sister and I continually tell each other that no matter how much we do for her it will not be enough so we should organize our lives around our needs rather than hers. It has become the standard phone conversation after a visit. Phone call therapy, so to speak. Our greatest fear is that our children will feel the same way about us as we do about her.</p>
