So, anyone want to vent about THEIR parents?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Thank you for this, Annelise. While I can sympathize with the feelings of those who miss their departed parents, it’s a relief for others of us to speak frankly about our ambivalence.>></p>

<p>Helicoptermom, I guess you missed my point entirely. Too bad, you might learn something from my experiences. But obviously, this is just a “Venting” discussion, not a “how do I make things better” discussion, so I won’t bore anyone with what I learned while coping with ambivalance towards two very difficult parents, both while they were alive and after their deaths.</p>

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<p>I understand Carolyn- I have even forgiven my inlaws for thier behavior- life is too short to carry grudges but that doesn’t mean that I have to spend time around them.
Life is also too short to spend time around people that attack you whether it is physically or emotionally.
While my grandmother also drove me crazy - to the point that I had to write her a letter telling her why I couldn’t talk to her for a while when she was upsetting me every day- I really don’t regret spending time apart from her- I needed to do it for my sanity.
I don’t have to fix negative people & if someone else is in a place where they need to get space from that person- then I am all for them getting as much space as they need.</p>

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<p>carolyn,</p>

<p>I think, like me, she understood your point-- but there are people with whom rapprochement is not possible. There are people who make any “closeness” so false and conditional that it is horrid to participate in.</p>

<p>Sometimes it is a relief to stop beating the dead horse.</p>

<p>It is hard to know in hindsight whether a better relationship really could have been achieved, even with all kinds of effort. Your advice is of course apt when people suffer rifts that can be mended with people who can be close.</p>

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<p>Carolyn–I respect your experiences, but they aren’t mine. Both of my parents are gone now too, and while I did what I could with them and for them when they were here, it would be hypocritical for me to say that I ever wish for one more day.</p>

<p>There’s another thread about “I knew my mother really loved me when…” In my case, I never knew that. If it offends you that I don’t miss her now, I’m sorry, but I’m more interested in acknowledging the truth about my feelings than in trying to pretty them up.</p>

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<p>Excellent way to look at it Emeraldkity; I think it’s just a matter of self-preservation to realize that your crazy self-absorbed parents just aren’t a positive influence and to take whatever distance is necessary to cope with the situation. Life is short, we should be able to live it the way we want, with the people we want, regardless of whether or not they birthed you.</p>

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<p>Also remember that sometimes in toxic family relationships it is the person with the most clarity on the situation who is chosen as the scapegoat. The kid who thinks “gee, there’s something wrong with these people” is often the pariah who others deem “the problem.” </p>

<p>The only way you get back in the fold is to stop knowing what you know and feeling what you feel. After fighting the way to the surface, it can be intolerable to go under again.</p>

<p>My mom is not interested in having a close relationship, she is interested in having a “faux-close” relationship where she does whatever she wants and barely connects with me or my kids but I pretend she is a great mother and applaud the crumbs she throws.</p>

<p>I do believe she has lost her mind, but unfortunately she needs to sustain a fiction about herself that involves me as the bad guy. Basically, she is wrapped into her own world and does not want to connect with others, but somewhere deep inside she “knows” a good grandma would be connecting with the kids, so her fiction is that I don’t want her around, I haven’t “invited” her, etc. Even me saying, “just tell me when you’d like to have the kids to yourself” gets no response. </p>

<p>For decades I have issued invitations-- only to have her arrive very huffy, put-upon, “this was a really hard time to get away,” etc. So I switched tactics and began issuing blanket seasonal invites: We’d love to have you come for a few days this summer, pick the time that’s best & let us know…" And guess what, a time is never picked. </p>

<p>When she has come for a family event she comes like a rushing whirlwind and races away within 24 hours. It is so stressful.</p>

<p>She is permanently angry at me because I am the mirror in which she sees herself as a poor mother & grandmother-- since I am not gushing over her greatness. (My sister & dad agree with me, but gush anyhow, because they don’t want to be given the deep freeze.) </p>

<p>I would rather put my energy into people who can respond.</p>

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<p>Ah, see, I am not recommending anyone have a “false relationship.” What I am saying is that it is fine to acknowlege angry feelings, but when one DWELLS on them one is not moving BEYOND them at all, one is merely staying caught in the same sinkhole. I could be sitting here five years after my mother’s death telling all sorts of horrible stories about what she did to drive me crazy, but, by doing so, I’d still be stuck in the same toxic relationship with her. You don’t have to forgive if you feel you have been truly damaged beyond repair, but at some point, letting go of the anger is truly liberating.</p>

<p>I do, however, agree with Emerald that sometimes you have to shut family members who are truly distructive out of your life. I have had to do just that with my sister who I am no longer in contact with. I also like SBmom’s approach of finding other ways to deal with the situation that keep you from being the scapegoat. But, if you are still walking around being ANGRY at someone all the time after you have shut them out, then they are still influencing your life just as much as if they were in it. It was only after I was able to let go of the anger I felt towards my sister that I was really free of her effect on my life. And, it was only after I stopped being mad at my mother (this was before she died) for simply being who she was, that I was able to forgive myself for not living up to what SHE expected of me.</p>

<p>To fully be free, you have to separate yourself out from the other person’s actions, and that includes making a conscious decision to letting go of what you can not change, and not allowing the anger continue to hurt you by replaying it over and over. Venting again and again only keeps the anger as part of your life. So, change what can be changed, let go of what can’t, and don’t keep replaying the same tape over and over hoping that this time when you tell the same story things will be different. </p>

<p>Hope no one takes offense, just stating what I believe.</p>

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<p>SBmom: Thank you for your wonderful posts.</p>

<p>Carolyn: I am really not as angry as you think. As it happens, I visited my parents’ graves this past weekend, and felt…well, nothing. My relationship with them was a fairly long and sad chapter in my life, but it’s closed now and I hope they rest in peace. </p>

<p>Sometimes, especially as Mother’s Day approaches, it can seem as if everyone else has or had deeply fulfilling relationships with their moms. For those of us who weren’t that fortunate, it can be a comfort to hear that we’re not alone–and not monsters for feeling the way we do.</p>

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<p>Wow! It is amazing what we all go through. Emerald - don’t even know how you survived your ordeal. I think that the best thing I did (hopefully) was learn to change the things that I hated about my parent’s parenting skills. The funniest thing is (maybe not funny), but my parents thought they were doing a much better job than their parents. Just left out a few key things in my book (showing affection, feeling like we were loved & wanted, shouldn’t have been beating us into submission with a belt). However, I am realistic enough to know that I’m sure that my kids will find other areas about me as a parent to find some fault with. </p>

<p>The worst thing I did to my children was continuing a relationship with my MIL (by complaining, whining, crying, taking it out on my husband, etc.). I did so many things to make her happy that I was absolutely miserable and was to the point where either she went or my husband did (after 20 yrs. I might add). Thankfully, by that time, he understood & realized all the damage that had went on and he agreed that I should divorce his family and not him. He & my children can do whatever they want with her & her family, but I don’t participate. Life has been good these last three years! I do forgive her (& yes I can empathize), but just can’t be with her/her family. At some point your mental health becomes more important than trying to be nice to someone who just can’t be nice. My husband will take her out for mother’s day on Saturday while I enjoy a nice day doing whatever I want, and we’ll take my mother out on Sunday. </p>

<p>helicoptermom - I have so many friends who feel the same way you do. Don’t feel guilty about it none of us have lived in your shoes & I just hope that you have shown the love/caring to your kids that you didn’t get. </p>

<p>Happy Mother’s Day to all of you. Let us always strive to do better!</p>

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<p>There is no lack of dysfunctional family members. What the other members of the family can tell about me and my brood, kids, cats,dogs,etc would probably qualify me for the looney bin (not a bad idea, I think at times). We are learning to interact with each other for short periods of times with manners which is a big first step here. I think in this family, the biggest problem came from my transitions from being the one who helped everyone out, to the needy one, and then back to the position where I have resources again. It was just taken for granted that I would pick up pieces and take care of problems for years, and when I needed help or could not run to others’ plight, there was resentment. But some satisfaction on everyone’s part too. But now that things are again in somewhat better control with most of the kids grown, some extra money, this is a transition that is not well taken. And I cannot suffer fools gladly, as I do have too many real problems that I face with those for whom I am directly responsible which is not well tolerated. </p>

<p>Each person has to make decisions on how to deal with people including parents. And things do change over time as well.</p>

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<p>Don’t mean to sound superior and God knows I am not perfect in any way. Just pointing out that there is a conscious choice here. But, you’re right, as I said above, this isn’t a discussion on how to make it better, only to vent. That’s fine, but I hope some will hear what I am saying. Again, I hope no one takes offense - none intended, just offering my advice, but obviously that is out of place here so I’ll leave you to it now.</p>

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<p>carolyn, I completely agree re the anger. Marinating in anger is terrible and destructive. I wish I could arrive on that “totally released” plane. Still working on that.</p>

<p>I am most angry when I am forced to participate in the game. When I step back away from it, I am not angry, just a little w-i-s-t-f-u-l. I always longed for a normal mom, and did not get one. As I mentioned before my Mom’s increasing oddness has been progressive so at least I got some reasonable parenting as a little kid and can recall very loving, sweet treatment from those years. I fully recognize there is a major mental illness component to my mom’s behavior.</p>

<p>I got really good advice once that I have never forgotten: you have two chances to have a great mother-daughter relationship-- once on each side.</p>

<p>Speaking of which my D is always incredibly sweet to me re my mom. She always comes over to me and gives me a hug when I hang up the phone. She is actually (since age 2) my step D. We both have had very big disappointments in our bio moms-- so she & I are both getting that second chance at a mom & daughter relationship. Maybe that’s why we both value our relationship so much.</p>

<p>All I can say is I VOW to be a different mom & grandma to my kids & grandkids.</p>

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<p>Carolyn - I apologize and have deleted the section where I adressed you. Please don’t go away! Dealing with all of this is just so personal & I don’t think that because these posters posted means that we/they are thinking about this all the time. I think one important thing about this thread is that maybe by reading what other people are going through will maybe make their trials feel lighter.</p>

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<p>I think one important thing about this thread is that maybe by reading what other people are going through will maybe make their trials feel lighter.</p>

<p>I have a friend who I haven’t seen in some time - who lives in Dallas.
She has a great sense of humor but not only that had a really sucky family.
Her husband was so messed up that when she didn’t take the time to lay out his clothes for him to attend his sons birthday party ( it was at mcdonalds- he was 7) he didn’t get there till almost the end- and when I was incredulous at why he was late- he left!
Totally a passive aggressive control freak.
( thank god they aren’t married anymore)</p>

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<p>Something that one of my therapists (yes, that means there have been multiples) said that I always keep in the back of my mind when being a parent, “It’s not a matter of ‘if’ you screw up your kid, it’s ‘when’”.</p>

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<p>SBmom- I swear we are clones, or sisters, LOL-- thank god for my daughter, too!
Did any of you happen to read the essay in the NY Times (and then the writer was on Oprah) I think her name is Ayelet Waldman. Anyway. I’ll find the link later. She wrote this essay about how she loved her kids, but was not “in love” with them; that she loved her husband most, and he was her primary love relationship. So anyway, my mother reads this and calls me up to make sure I see it. “Look,” she yells into the phone. " I want you to read this. It is very important. I want you to understand me. This is how I feel. I love you father, much more than any of you kids." </p>

<p>I just answered… yeah… DUH…</p>

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<p>“Mom, I am so happy for you, and I love my H and kids lots too. Thanks for sharing and not to worry, I understand you just fine. By the way, Happy Mothers Day.”</p>

<p>Give yourself a hug. Know that you have done all you can. And feel sorry for Mom because she is missing out on a great relationship with some great kids and grandkids. Now you are really free to focus all that energy on your H and kids. WIth mom, you do what you can do, and let go.<br>
The author of the article, while I get her point, sort of, doesn’t get that there are all kinds of love. I feel passion for my H in one way, and passion for my Ds in a different way, but that doesn’t mean one is any less than the other. Just different. Neither is better. Someday maybe your mom will see that too. But right now, have a great time with family and friends and happy Graduation!!!</p>

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<p>THis reminds me of my sis.
Very patriarchal household- religion dictates that the parents have the primary relationship- fine.
But they have 5 kids and while they are always going on and on about what blessings the kids are- the kids seem to be there to do housework/yardwork and raise each other - while the parents are off on their weekend or longer trips together.
Parents don’t seem to even like their kids other than what sort of prestige/attention they can get through them.
I can see where that kind of parent would feel that the spousal relationship was primary- of course it is ---- to them.
But if came to saving one or the other in a burning house- I would be hard pressed to save someone besides my kids.</p>

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<p>Thats really interesting. Using religion to not take care or show affection to children because it is all reserved for the spouse. </p>

<p>My H would be on his in in the burning house. It would be my kids, then the dogs!!!</p>

<p>H is a pretty fast!!! ;)</p>

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<p>My mother is mentally ill and has been for a long time. I envy those who have normal mother/daughter problems . . .</p>