<p>I just have to vent a minute, hope you don’t mind, and maybe somebody has some advice for me. I am the primary caretaker to both my 86 year old father and 91 year old father-in-law. My dad lives with us and my father-in-law lives by himself 10 minutes away. I am really frustrated right now because my son is moving to North Carolina and I want to go up with him to help him with setting up his apartment. My brother-in-law has agreed to look in on my father-in-law while I am away, so he is taken care of. I asked my brother and his wife to take my dad for a few days, but my brother is balking. My sister-in-law is ok with it, but my brother thinks it is too much for her and has basically said no. She has COPD and they are finishing up with a new roof, so she has been under a bit of stress. </p>
<p>My dad has lived with us for 15 years and I have only asked my brother for help one time before, two years ago. At that time, they agreed to take my dad for three days, but called a two days before and said they could not take him, no reason given, so I had to cancel my trip. I really need their help this time and I am angry that they are not more willing to help. I have never asked them for a penny to help with my dad’s care and I really feel the least they can do is take him for a few days. The only other option that I have is a drop in nursing home, but it is very expensive and my dad is very resistant to that idea. </p>
<p>I really want to have this time to spend with my son before he moves away. I have explained to my sister-in-law how important this is to me and I tried to talk to my brother, but he was conveniently unavailable. He is not into confrontation and practices avoidance therapy. I am just so frustrated right now.</p>
<p>Hi Fishymom, sorry you have no help from your brother! It sounds like even if they agreed to take your dad, you’d wind up having to cancel your trip again a day or so before hand when they’d call to cancel. Are there any home health aide agencies in your area? Perhaps you could hire someone to help out. I’d ask brother dear for some financial help with that. I hope you are able to find someone - it sounds like your trip with your son is a once in a lifetime event! You deserve this trip!!!</p>
<p>You are a saint. Remind yourself often that you are a good person trying to do the best you can. It is also very appropriate to rant sometimes, especially online where no one gets hurt.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, you can’t change your brother. He has not “stepped up to the plate.” Perhaps your sister-in-law can influence him, but it doesn’t look good to me.</p>
<p>I would arrange to have your father stay at the respite care nursing home. If your father has any financial resources at all, use them for this purpose. If not, ask your brother to cover this expense (or half of it, at the least). If your brother can’t or won’t help, you will have to pay for it. Grin and bear it. Respite care is worth the expense! It’s mental health care for YOU. Of course your dad doesn’t want to go there, but it will be OK. Maybe even better than OK.</p>
<p>Good luck. We are commanded to honor our parents, and you are keeping the faith.</p>
<p>I can understand your father’s reluctance to moving to a nursing home temporarily. A lot of older people find moving disruptive.</p>
<p>Would it be possible to hire caregivers who would help him out at home – 24 hours a day if necessary – during the period of your trip, and for your brother to look in on the situation a couple of times a day while you’re gone? Or perhaps, if you have a husband (something you haven’t mentioned) and your husband is not going on the trip to North Carolina, he could keep an eye on the caregiver situation while you’re gone.</p>
<p>Don’t give up this trip. I had the opportunity to help one of my kids set up her first apartment six months ago. It gave us big chunks of time together – something that is rare once the kids are grown – and I learned a lot about her in the process. (Who knew that she could stick so tightly to a budget? Or that she was so good with tools?) I also learned some new skills. (Who knew that I could assemble IKEA furniture – or that my daughter would be better at it than I am?) My assistance was also a big help to my daughter. Some things are far easier with two people instead of one, and setting up an apartment is one of them.</p>
<p>When my father in law was alive we used respite care when we needed to leave town. It was worth every penny of the money spent to know he was cared for properly. You are a good daughter and you are entitled to this time with your son. I am sorry you don’t have a sibling that you could count on. I would not risk pressuring him to take your dad when he might cancel last minute so make the arrangments and ask him to help pay if your father has no funds to cover this expense.</p>
<p>Find a way to go with your son. If your brother is not willing for your dad to stay with him, will he be willing to stay at your home? Or ask him to pay for someone else to come in and stay with your dad. There are a number of senior care provider companies that do just that. Look in the yellow pages, find out the cost, and then talk to your brother about that. It is not really fair to ask your dad to go to a nusing home fora few days either, not at his age. So push your brother to step up either in person or financially.</p>
<p>fishymom, so sorry about all the stress. Is there a reason why home care aides or companions are not an option? I know that senior men can be very stubborn about having strangers in the home to care for them - especially if they strongly prefer to have their children providing that care instead.</p>
<p>Although your brother should also assist in your father’s care, he doesn’t seem to feel obligated. Since your SIL clearly has serious health problems, would your dad consider a paid companion instead? It would benefit all of you.</p>
<p>If you would consider the option of using respite caregivers at home, is there a time between now and the trip when you could acquaint him with the caregivers for shorter periods of time? Manufacture an excuse if necessary. (You might need to take pain meds after that root canal, so you want someone else in the house to help your father that day.)</p>
<p>It might be easier for your father to accept the idea of respite caregivers if he already had some familiarity with them.</p>
<p>Thank you for the suggestions. My brother lives 2 hours away, so him dropping in to check on my dad is not an option. And he is not in a position to help out financially. Staying with my father-in-law for a few days won’t work either, he is a major PITA. My husband is willing to help, but he is gone from 7:30 am until 7 or 8 at night. He would prefer that my dad go somewhere rather than be here, but he would deal with it if he had to. My dad has a nurse that comes in twice a week, so I am going to call the agency and see what it would cost to have someone come in twice a day while I am gone. It has to be cheaper than respite care and my dad would be much more comfortable at home. Thanks again for the support, I really appreciate it.</p>
<p>I am an older adult social worker and so I know in our area there are resources for respite for families who want to go out of town. I am not sure what area you live in but I would check with your local senior services agencies. There should be an Area Agency on Aging that might at least point you in the right direction. We have a caregiver grant in our area that you can utilize up to $1000 per calendar year for either in-home or out of home respite. Depending on home much care your Dad needs you could look into those options. Do you have a church group that you are involved with, who might be willing to tag team and help you out for this. It is important also to look at things for the long term and be prepared. You never know when he will need additional care should you not be available for some reason. Going to a respite facility for a short time would give you an idea if that is someplace to utilize in the future. Please feel free to PM me if you need more suggestions.</p>
<p>I can feel for you. I was in the same predicament with a different situation, when I called those respite services, I was told $300/day. But my mom requires 24 hour attention and the caregiver is lived in.</p>
<p>Good advice here with your difficult situation. I think you have come up with a good solution and I hope it works out for you. I know you said your brother is not financially able to pitch in with the care of your father, but I think it would be a good idea to let him know the financial cost you are bearing so that in the future he may try to help out physically at least. It’s really not fair that you are doing everything for your father, not to mention you are also caring for your FIL. You are a saint!</p>
<p>Why don’t some siblings have that sense of “fairness”? I don’t get it.</p>
<p>If Dad has any kind of savings or retirement coming in, just use that to pay for any additional care or other expenses that you’re incurring. And let bro know that’s what’s going on so that he’ll know that his reluctance to help is just coming out of the future estate.</p>
<p>Your bro needs to “get real”. Either he helps out, or Dad’s savings, etc, will be used as needed.</p>
<p>Hugs to fishymom. Others have given good advice. I am just here to empathize! You are a good daughter and daughter-in-law. I hope you can take time for yourself (better for everyone in the long run). I am sorry your brother is of little help. Take time for yourself and enjoy your trip. I think many of us are in the same boat! One thought, could your husband take a couple of days off work while you are gone?</p>
<p>Sounds like you are working on a great option, fishymom, trying to see what the visiting nurse’s place can suggest. Having someone come & check in twice/day should be MUCH cheaper (& less disruptive) than having your dad relocate during your absence. Great idea! Please keep us posted. Sorry your brother is balking and so unhelpful and unwilling to play a role in helping with a solution.</p>
<p>You & your S definitely will remember the time you spend settling him in for college. Hope you have a wonderful time together! You are a good and generous person. Your dad & FIL are so lucky to have you! You are a wonderful role model for your S as to how to care for elders, even those who are PITA.</p>
<p>If your H could take a short schedule (shorter hours) or a few days off while you’re away, that would require less respite care as well.</p>
<p>fishymom, so sorry you’re dealing with this!</p>
<p>When you speak to the nursing agency, please don’t forget to ask about possible Medicare coverage for some of the respite care. If your father needs nursing care twice a week while you’re there, Medicare may pay for nursing care more often when you’re not there.</p>
<p>You MUST not let caring for Dad prevent you from doing things for you. If for no other reason, remind yourself that you will be a better caregiver if you don’t resent the job.</p>
<p>How much care does Dad need? It is actual physical care or just some one in the house? I have had good luck with hiring a young adult to be in the home with the parent who is alone, one of my kids friends getting paid to sleep at Grandma’s house, but Grandma does not need assistance with ADL things, just company and to know someone is there if something goes wrong.</p>
<p>Absolutely use Dad’s resources for this if he has any.</p>
<p>Op, you cannot take care two elderly at the same time, regardless if your FIL doesn’t need caregivers. You should budget for a full time caregiver so that you can take turns of doing this. Put an ad in the paper, there are many displaced ppl who can do this. We hired an RN for very little money, we now have two caregivers.</p>
<p>When we advertise, we normally recieve 30 applicants on a weekend.</p>
<p>Thank you for all the suggestions, I really appreciate it. I have a tentative plan in place and am hoping for confirmation by tomorrow afternoon. I am definitely going to North Carolina with my son. He graduated from college this month and this is his first career job. He has 3 possible apartments that we are going to look at. He mostly wants my help choosing furnishings and stuff. He will be starting from scratch, since he is leaving everything with his girlfriend who will be in their apartment here until May. She will be moving then to attend pharmacy school, so he wants her to have the furnishings they have now, since she will not be working full-time and unable to replace stuff herself. My son received a very nice relocation package, so he can afford to get what he needs. I am looking forward to helping him set up his new home, even though I am sad that he is moving away. Thanks again for all the suggestions and support!</p>