so very, very stressed/rant

Parent Cafe
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<p>Hi Alex,</p>

<p>Just thinking of you. Hope you take some of the suggestions in Spidey’s posts. AA is an amazing community.</p>

<p>There have been times when I have just yelled at the top of my lungs to some song on the radio to work out energy. I change the words to, “I can’t do this alone!!!”</p>

<p>There’s a yoga book by Donna Farhi called, Bringing Yoga to Life. She had an eating disorder and some of your issues growing up and found Yoga to be a life saver. Her book is quite adult, but maybe you would get into it.</p>

<p>But most of all, I’m sending you a hug and hoping you find your way to AA and/or a good doc. It can be very very hard to find a doc who helps you. Folks sometimes go through tens of different docs before they find one who figures things out. So frustrating, but it’s not unusual. So hard to forgive the world for its stupid humanness. Forgiving people who are supposed to be expert but aren’t is so hard. Forgiving ourselves for relying on them is also hard. I guess that’s why forgiveness is such a theme in sprituality. Carrying all that hate and frustration is a burden that forgiveness allows you to lay down.</p>

<p>Keep us posted, hon!</p>

102

<p>Alex:</p>

<p>I don’t have much to add that others have not said. But please know you’re not alone. Do not give personal information on CC or other chatboards that might help identify you, but feel free to PM or email those who are reaching out to you. Hang tight. This is not an easy time to go through Just keeping those who care about you–even in cyberspace-- informed will provide a small bit of comfort.</p>

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<p>I hope you are feeling OK today. I just want to add that a lot of anorexic/bulimics find a home in Overeaters Anonymous (check the white pages).</p>

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<p>[Alcoholics</a> Anonymous San Diego Central Office](<a href=“http://www.aasandiego.org/]Alcoholics”>http://www.aasandiego.org/)</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.oasandiego.org/[/url]”>http://www.oasandiego.org/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>

</p>

<p>Dear Alexandra,</p>

<p>Happy Birthday!</p>

<p>I sent you a birthday PM.</p>

<p>Best wishes for the day.</p>

106

<p>Happy Birthday Alexandra! Love and hugs to you.</p>

107

<p>Happy Birthday! Hugs to you, Alexandra!</p>

108

<p>Happy Birthday!!!</p>

109

<p>Happy birthday!! =)</p>

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<p>Happy belated birthday!!!</p>

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<p>Thank you all for wishing me a happy birthday, it helped somewhat to know someone thought about me. ADad, I hope you know that your message was incredibly moving to me and I keep that poem in my mind for difficult moments.</p>

<p>Also, thank you guys for all your suggestions. OA, I’m sure is a great group, but I find it difficult to find a place there since there aren’t really any anorexics at the meetings, and it’s hard to identify- I don’t mean that with any judgment whatsoever. So I’m going to continue to look for something.</p>

<p>I’m going to therapy once a week, which may soon become 2 times per week, but it is often a discouraging experience as I certainly don’t connect with her.
But then I remember that I was forced to have the therapist I had in inpatient and the two years following; he supported the move that so traumatized me and incited a lot of unnecessary pain. Yet I spoke to him every week or more and became somewhat attached to him. Since my new doctor is both much more experienced and doesn’t have the responsibility of handling me in the same way, I don’t think it will be that bad. So I’m trying, but I find it increasingly difficult. My aunt is speaking with my therapist now (last week 40 of the 45 minutes was spent in their discussion), which is again, hard for me to handle.</p>

<p>I’m doing the spring musical at my school, for which I have zero- no, negative interest in participating. But I’m essentially required to.</p>

<p>I’m hanging by my fingernails, still, and things are getting ever more difficult for me. I try not to think about it, but I know that eventually I’ll hit the threshold and I won’t be able to recover. I’m just hoping that that happens later rather than sooner. The thing is, my family really does exacerbate (exponentially) the difficulties I’m having. I have no real support or understanding from anywhere and that scares me.</p>

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<p>Sending hugs to you.
My D has 3 friends who have eating disorders who have found a home and help and support through 12 step programs. Like you they found OA was not for them. Though in some areas there are specific OA meeting for Anorexics and Bulimics. My D’s friends go to both CA and AA though they do not have drug or alcohol addictions. You might also try Ala Teen and see if you can get some support there. The nice thing about 12 step programs is they are free.
I am also going to try to PM you a treatment center that a young woman I know attended. She previously had two inpatient visits at the UCLA program without much success.</p>

113

<p>It is great to hear from you! :)</p>

<p>Thank you very much for your kind words.</p>

<p>I’m glad to hear that you are able to make contact with a therapist. I am cautiously hoping that this experience can, over time, be helpful. Do you have a chance to help her along by telling her what works well or doesn’t work well for you?</p>

<p>I am and have been keeping you in mind every day. I continue to wish you strength and peace.</p>

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<p>Again, thanks mom60 for your support and input. I really appreciate it. </p>

<p>@ADad: My main issue with therapy is that I’ve never had any luck (if not simply negative experiences) with therapists. This therapist, at my gut feeling, is probably not a good fit for me. But being the type of person to give someone a million chances, I’m going to keep trying. I have an appointment tomorrow morning, in fact.
I’m also having a big problem with family and their interpretations of my actions and what they assume to be my thoughts and feelings. It’s hard. No, it’s rather terrible and I have no idea what to do with myself. My aunt gives me these tough love sermons that cut through to the bone, and she wholeheartedly believes in that tough love ethos because it has apparently worked for her kids (I somewhat disagree, it seems to only have instilled intense fear but also quite a bit of respect). She also, as a simplification for the sake of time and wasted words, seems to not believe in emotion. This is backed up by practically every conversation we’ve had and at this point I know exactly what to say to her to keep them short and with the least hurt.</p>

<p>Oh, and also, I’ve recently been youtube-ing messages to my friends/sisters in an attempt to do something with myself. The put on smile is really incredibly hard at times but it helps keep things together. (If you’re at all interested in watching any of these, my username is the same one as on CC, but with “ris” added to the end of it)
Anyhow, I just received an email from my mom telling me to take down the videos from the internet, and “Do you think the admissions committee of Bard (insert any college name here) would see you in a favorable light after watching these?”. This hurt, perhaps irrationally, because I had just sent a somewhat emotional message to her (which I never do anymore since she sends my emails to my aunt and my dad reads them; two people who really have no business in my personal life) telling her that sending these videos helped me relieve some tension which is really difficult to do nowadays.</p>

<p>Whether or not you watch them, you may note that I do not say anything that would hurt any impression of me that I let the world know already. I am what I am and if that cannot be accepted by Simon’s Rock or any entity for that matter, I don’t want to associate with them anyways! I’ve been around the corporate ladder, seen troubles with bureaucracies and I know that many adults would say that you need to have a certain image to be successful. But how many people are satisfied with their jobs? With their life? I am already genetically predisposed to having a difficult one, why fool myself even more? I mean, I curse many times (probably too many times), but I don’t speak of too much that is personal (I make those messages private, the rest I really could care less who watches them), other than how much I enjoy tea and poetry.</p>

<p>As for all that say to protect my identity, I release my name to the world but if you look me up on say, facebook, you won’t see any other identifiable information. I find it helpful, in fact, to have all my usernames the same as I don’t really have any interest in hiding my identity. If by creating a username on some platform that would risk my identity, well, I won’t even make a username!</p>

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<p>Alexandra, </p>

<p>Could you please free up some space in your inbox?</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

116

<p>RE: parents freaking out over what you post online…</p>

<p>I didn’t watch all the videos but the one where you are blue is adorable. Didn’t see the whole thing but it looks like very normal young person stuff to me. </p>

<p>Parents can really be a pain with their own offspring. So much easier to be accepting and understanding with someone else’s son or daughter. My generation of parents…We are very concerned that what is put online will haunt someone for life. We feel that since young people are still going through various incarnations, those stages may not be something that should be recorded for posterity. </p>

<p>Young people see many examples of celebrities reinventing themselves over and over. It is difficult to buy into the notion that one year’s video will be a true barrier down the road. Older adults are, as a group, suspicious of Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, and Youtube. We may use them, but with much caution. When one of our kids posts something online that looks anything less than what could be used in a campaign for President down the road, it concerns us. </p>

<p>Another issue is that in general parents my age don’t look at swearing, piercings, tattoos, etc, in a neutral way (I didn’t see any of that, but it seems like an appropriate add to my post). There really IS a generation gap (not with every forty or fifty year old, but in general). Probably akin to how the WWII kids were upset over what THEIR kids were doing in the 60’s and 70’s.</p>

<p>The way the adults in your life are speaking to you is a huge function of what is going on in society in general. Unfortunately, it cuts so much more deeply when a young person already needs more love and support (when the very last thing they need is to be judged, and misinterpreted).</p>

<p>BTW…Skype is an awesome way to stay in touch with siblings, and it is free. You just link to each other, and you get a “dink” when your people go online. :)</p>

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<p>So. I’m sort of back. Quite a bit has been going on as of late.</p>

<ol>
<li>I applied, and was outright rejected from, Bard College at Simon’s Rock. I was devastated mostly because of their high admissions rate and therefore my place in the bottom 15 or 20% of applicants. The decision was reached upon a consensus of my “emotional vulnerability”. I believe that came from my being too open with the admissions committee. I thought honesty would help me, but rather it merited a phone call to my ex-therapist and ex-counselor.</li>
<li>After about 5 minutes of the whole denial-bargaining-shock-rage-acceptance process, I started looking at schools again. Not a chance in hell was I going to get my GED and go to community college. And frick no I’m not worth rejection. As you can probably tell I was still a bit angry, but upon looking at St. John’s College and noticing that in their frequently asked questions:</li>
</ol>

<p>Each year the college admits a handful of students who do not plan to complete a high school diploma. Usually, these students are coming to college midway through their senior year or directly from 11th grade. Applicants for early entrance should have strong records and good reasons for leaving high school early. Typically, these applicants have completed all the solid academic work available to them in their high schools and need to move on to be challenged.</p>

<p>Of course, I couldn’t let this pass. So, alright, they don’t exactly have an established program for early entrants, and through intense Google searching I found there is generally only a very (very) small population of such students in each entering class. But I emailed the admissions office anyhow. To preserve my (probably lone) reader’s sanity, I will refrain from copying and pasting the emails here. In brief, I emailed and was greeted with enthusiasm. I called my sister in enthusiasm and finished my application on the 26th of March. I was anxious primarily because of:</p>

<ol>
<li>March 1st is the preferred date for financial aid info. 25 days later with an EFC of negative ten billion might guarantee alone that I can’t attend.</li>
<li>I probably wouldn’t get in. Being the freak that I am.</li>
<li>Given the first two issues are resolved, my parents probably will prevent me from attending.</li>
</ol>

<p>Oh, and side note: The admissions office told me to visit. I called one morning and said that my finances prevented me from visiting. They flew me out. Reaction: It’s an amazing, beautiful, wonderful place.</p>

<p>After several weeks of getting angry at the College Board (they sent the scores 2.5 weeks after my request) and being preternaturally anxious about my admission and the prospects of being without a path come this September, I recieved an email from the financial aid office.</p>

<p>Of course, I hadn’t yet recieved anything about actual admission, but that’s another funny little story called “The Inefficiencies and Astounding Efficiencies of Small Colleg Admissions”.</p>

<p>Anyhow, it said something along the lines of: Congratulations, 48000 dollars out of 53000 dollars, and class entering the fall of 2010. </p>

<p>Amazing, right? Well, the package is still not nearly enough, so I’ll need some counsel as far as that goes. And the general reaction from my family was:
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Really?”
“Uh huh”
“Yeah, right! You’re a bum!”</p>

<p>So that reaction is sort of a slap on the face, but it hurts a lot less when you just recieved a ton of money equaling to a message of: we want you to be here! WE actually think you’re worth something! And I (almost) agree: I couldn’t think of a better school for me.</p>

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<p>WOW, I’m so happy for you!! Congratulations!</p>

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<p>Congratulations! </p>

<p>This is wonderful news!</p>

<p>I love St. John’s College. </p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Yes, WE do! :)</p>

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<p>Hey Alex! Was just thinkin’ of you today. Huge congrat’s! What an amazing offer! Start workin’ at MacDonald’s and save every penny and you’ll have the rest of the money. Heck, get two jobs and work non stop all summer. Waitress and earn tips - find a high priced restaurant and see if they’ll hire you for the dinner shift - decent money there. You can earn a couple thousand or so over the summer and then find a job at school or just off campus. YOU GO GIRL!</p>