<p>I am about to turn 60 (holy s…t) and still have kids living at home. I should be a doating grandmother for goodness sakes! But no. I have a 27 yr old S and a 24 yr old D2.</p>
<p>So the 27 yr old S is a very smart (top LAC) college grad ( physics/math major/minor) with absolutely no ambition. He has a job with benefits, pays all his own bills and pays a small rent to us. But he is very underemployed and not paid much. He has a girl friend and they spend time in his bedroom. (Just mentioning because wouldn’t it be better in his own place?)</p>
<p>D2 graduated 2012 and had an internship for a good part of last year. But she has been unemployed since August. She sleeps late, tells me what she does not want to do and is basically in a rut. She graduated college with a very high gpa and received the top senior award for her major from a highly ranked school.</p>
<p>So how do I, you, get them out?</p>
<p>I do regularly discuss (fight) this with them and suggest alternatives.</p>
<p>I realize we are enabling. But I find it difficult to give an ultimatum. When discussing their situation it seems as if they “get it” yet do nothing.</p>
<p>Give them 30 days to move out…and let them know that their rent will be significantly increasing after that 30 days. Make that rent equal to,what they would have to pay for rent and utilities at their own small shared apartment.</p>
<p>You can only be taken advantage of if you allow yourself to be.</p>
<p>Yup, you are enabling. You know what you need to do. I might give them more than 30 days (90 is reasonable). But let them know the deadline, that you love them, but it is better for everyone if they start living like the adults they are and taking responsibility for themselves. Your son may move in with his gf, and your D may need to take a job that she “doesn’t want to do” and find some roommates. But they will be moving toward taking adult responsibilities. Then quickly downsize before they come back. :)</p>
<p>Are you unhappy? In Italy, they wouldn’t be expected to move out until they are married (usually in their 30s), and in much of the world, the joint/extended family is the norm, not the exception. So are you unhappy, or is it just that they aren’t doing what you hoped?</p>
<p>If you are unhappy, kick 'em out. But I only heard about them, not about you.</p>
<p>Mine can come back anytime they like. (Fat chance of that - they are usually half a world away.)</p>
<p>I loved having mine at home; they paid a modest rent, shared some meals, helped with chores and projects, picked up groceries, etc. In essence, they became adult roommates. We traveled without worry, trash cans were retreived, snow shoveled…
Sadly, I am empty nested and widowed now.</p>
<p>I have one college grad at home. She is not particularly happy to be here, but she is applying to professional school, so is in a “gap year” of sorts. She is also working 2 jobs and taking classes at local u., so we rarely see her. She lives in our basement apartment. I still have 4 younger kids at home (with another in college and another out of college living far away). D helps out by washing dishes and doing stuff with younger sibs. I don’t mind having her around, and she won’t be here long if she gets accepted. . .</p>
<p>If I am unhappy with my kids living at home, and I would be (as would they) unless there were plans to move out at a certain time, I would give a deadline to move out and offer 3 months of rent at their own place. I would only allow them to live at home if they were working and saving up for some purpose such as graduate school or living one their own. It costs a certain amount to have them at home and I find it less stressful to “help out” with that amount of money.</p>
<p>I feel for you. I would be especially frustrated for your daughter who is not employed at all. I would raise your son’s rent so it is not a financial advantage to stay at home. Also, start charging him for groceries, laundry soap, etc. If you are doing his laundry or cooking their meals - STOP! They are adults and should be doing these things for YOU if they want to keep living in your house. For your son, I would offer to pay the first two months rent at a new apartment or help with the security deposit. If he is underemployed the hurdle of those initial bills may be hard for him. Perhaps he should look for a roommate to help with the bills. </p>
<p>For your daughter, finding a job should be her job. Tell her she can stay as long as she is actively looking for a job and get up with her early and help her with the process. I t may make sense to hire a career coach to help her in this way or have her go back to her school and meet with the career counselor. What about that internship? Is there a possibility of a job there? I would give her more time but not too much. </p>
<p>They can only take advantage of you if you let them.</p>
<p>In HI, it is common for folks to live in parents’ home until they get married or buy or rent a place of their own. The parents choose the rules, as its their home. </p>
<p>If our D was in GI, she’d be living at home because she hasn’t found a job or internship yet. She is in LA because opportunities there are better for her field. We are glad room and board for her is less than tuition, room and board had been. Our S has his own very nice place, good savings and a good job.</p>
<p>Since it sounds like you are unhappy with the current situation, you need to set out rules to change it, like other posters above have set out.</p>
<p>When my son moved back home for a while, I gave him 6 months of free rent and then increased the rent $100/month every month. It took my son ten months to move out. Right now my daughter is living here (we have a nice room above the garage with its own entrance, thankfully, so I don’t know everything). Same deal… </p>
<p>I like having them around, honestly, so the arrangement works nicely for us.</p>
<p>Gotta go with thumper.<br>
30 days for significant rent increase. Greater than what’s on the market. Or just plain kick them out of the nest which is the best option. As in no option. Every momma bird does it and doesn’t think twice. You will be doing them a BIG favor. Nobody gets younger and that INCLUDES your kids. Time to grow up. D sleeping late and in a rut? Amazing what ACTUALLY having to take care of yourself does for you–quit enabling.</p>
<p>I suppose you could ask them if they intend to keep living with you until you need eldercare, such as escort to your doctor’s appointments and nightly help with baths. These horrifying thoughts might shake them up enough to come up with their own new plan.</p>
<p>If you have a flair for drama, you could wax rhapsodic about how GREAT it will be for you, how lucky you have them to count on in your old age, unlike all your friends whose kids live elsewhere independently.</p>
<p>Charge them market rent that they would have to pay if they were to move out. DOn’t tell them but put the miney aside for a while and when you get a nice amount, tell them they should start looking, and that you have that nest egg for them. Sometimes they simply cannot afford to move out when they are not making much money. One often needs several months rent, moving expenses and a stash to furnish/equip the place. If they are used to spending every penny of what they are making, they aren’t going to be able to see themselves affording the market rent. So you charge them enough so that there is not a cost advantage for them to live with you, and they might as well get their own place.</p>
<p>I still haven’t heard from the OP whether she is unhappy with the situation for herself, or just wished her kids were further along in life. Does she need the rent money? Or would she be getting more rent money if the kids moved out?</p>
<p>I see no particular reason to try to get them to move out, or for them to pay even a dime more than they are now, unless there is another use for the space, or the OP just doesn’t like living with her kids, or actually needs the money, or the kids are snots.</p>
<p>Perhaps one could stay home and write the next “Harry Potter”. Took the author 12 years on welfare. Maybe living at home, s/he could do it in less.</p>
<p>I have a variation on Cpte’s suggestion. I agree, charge more rent and put the money in the bank. BUT I would still set some kind of deadline with them to move out. Then when they do, give them the saved money as a housewarming gift. My dad did this…and it was so nice. </p>
<p>I would not tell them before they move out. Some kids would want the money first. Nope…let the, save some of their earnings for the rent/deposits, and then they will have a little bonus once they move out!</p>
<p>Mini…I don’t agree with you based on what the OP wrote. She says her son is very underemployed and her daughter is not employed and really isn’t doing anything to get a job. </p>
<p>We have a kiddo living with us right now. She is working more than 40 hours a week. She is also studying for a professional exam standardized test. She still finds time to help with housework, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and just being good company. We enjoy having her here. She is saving the vast majority of her earnings to fund grad school. I’m not hearing the same motivation about the OPs kids.</p>
<p>“Mini…I don’t agree with you based on what the OP wrote. She says her son is very underemployed and her daughter is not employed and really isn’t doing anything to get a job.”</p>
<p>Yes, she is unhappy with their condition. But nowhere did she say she is unhappy about their living with her. Suppose they weren’t unemployed or underemployed. Would she still want them to move out? Why? (It would be perfectly fine if she did, but that’s not what she said.)</p>
<p>I moved back home to go to grad school in the mid-80s and the only difference between living there as a teenager and as a young adult was that I smoked in front of my parents after I returned home. And I followed the rules - I couldn’t afford to move out without borrowing. I haven’t encountered this as a parent yet, but S1 is on track to graduate in the spring and I fully expect him to be home for at least a few months. As far as I’m concerned, he’s welcome as long as he’s working and/or going to school and paying his personal bills (cell phone, etc.) I’m not OK with “extracurricular activities” however, and will make that clear if the subject comes up.</p>