<p>I’m with emeraldkity4 (get a smaller place). H and I are selling our modest house and moving to a 2 BR apt. Which means one kiddo gets a bedroom, the other (older one) gets the couch. If home is cramped and not that great, they will be motivated to move out. and/or stop cooking for them and doing laundry. </p>
<p>Whereas friends of our kids have bedrooms that are nicer than ours --huge, with big flat screen TV, mini-fridge. Who would ever leave?</p>
<p>Okay to answer a few questions. I do not dislike having my children live at home. My S is very easy going the majority of the time, and willingly does chores like mowing the grass, garabage and recyclaling. D2 and I enjoy each other’s company and shop and walk and do various other things together. We also can fight like cats. Haha</p>
<p>But I am concerned about their future. Money is no issue to us (H and I). We do not need the rent. So that is not at all part of my concern. I have another D that is living on her own in NYC and currently thriving. (I say currently because she is in a highly stressful and regulated job that can turn on a dime.) I am just concerned about my other two.</p>
<p>As I said, I would find it very difficult to give a deadline. Yet I know I am enabling.</p>
<p>Also, part of the reason I started this thread was to find out how you, who have experienced this, handled this. Other opinions are welcome, of course, as well.</p>
<p>And also how do you deal with the day to day living? What chores do you expect them to do? Do you allow them to have their partner overnight sleeping in their room? </p>
<p>In other words, do you treat them like renters, your kids or somewhere inbetween?</p>
<p>If they are in or underemployed, how would they qualify to sign a lease? Get utilities?</p>
<p>Our kids have had the courtesy NOT to ask about overnight boyfriend/girlfriend guests in their rooms. The kid who is living with us just chips in. But that is what our kids did when they lived here in high school. She cooks meals, cleans, does laundry, goes to the grocery store. She pays all of her own bills. She is banking money for grad school. She works more than 40 hours a week. </p>
<p>I am quite sure she does NOT plan to live with us forever!</p>
<p>When I went to college, my parents made it very clear I would have to be self supporting when I graduated. Same with my siblings. We all took it heart and were… I think I went home for about two weeks after graduation, then moved out to the city I wanted to live in and found a job. Similar for my siblings. It is all about the expectations you set, and I think you and your H did not set any for your kids. So… they are taking the path of least resistance. Which isn’t helping them grow up and get to adult lives.</p>
<p>The advice you are getting is mostly to set some expectations and stick to them. You seem unsure what boundaries and expectations you want to set, though… but I don’t know that we can help you do that.</p>
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<p>Some parents would be rather disappointed if their kid came back from college as a smoker.</p>
<p>" I am just concerned about my other two."</p>
<p>So since you don’t mind them living with you, your concern is elsewhere. You could make them persona non grata of course, if you think that might help. (I seriously doubt it.) But why not share your concerns with them as you have here, figure out with them where you can be helpful and where not, create a plan, and follow through. The expectations don’t have to be about where their roof is - it seems to me that’s the cheap way out.</p>
<p>You are allowed to be concerned. You got the worry license when they were born. I fail to see how putting them under additional financial stress is necessarily going to lead to a better result. The problem - I bet - is that seeing them every day like this makes you feel like you failed - which you didn’t, of course. You need to tell them that (if it is true.) Four heads are better than one.</p>
<p>Things are harder. College grads come home all the time these days - cannot find full employment. </p>
<p>When I was the age if my oldest at 24, I was married living 2000 miles away from home and the mother of an infant. We could rent an apt pretty easily. </p>
<p>Not that easy anymore.</p>
<p>When I was the age of my younger kiddo, I had graduated from law school, moved into my own apartment and was working full time with a top law firm. Times indeed have changed. My S who is 25 has a good job 5000 miles from our home and a nice apartment. He isn’t sure he will ever be able to transfer to HI, which is where he hopes to end up living.</p>
<p>Our D graduated in May and is still trying to find an internship and/or job.</p>
<p>Might it be helpful, since your DI is hurting from her recent break-up, for D2 to go spend some time with her?</p>
<p>morrismm, depending on your local housing market (and your personal finances of course) it might be to your advantage to offer your child financial assistance in buying a house or an apartment. While it hasn’t quite come to that point yet - our older son is still in college and rental housing on the 8 year plan - I am prepared to help him buy a place to meet a variety of shared goals including my goal of keeping him out of our house! 
I can’t do that unless he is employed and can make rent or loan payments to me.</p>
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I believe the rent suggestion is not to generate revenue for you and your husband … but to have your kids pay their way wherever they live. It seems that currently by living at your home they are getting subsidized housing … without the subsidy would they still live at home? (yes, can still be an OK answer).</p>
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Not really. They were both smokers themselves and didn’t quit until S1, their first grandchild, was born. As far as they were concerned, there were way worse things I could be doing. But I did quit eventually and have been smoke-free for almost 25 years. That’s not to say I don’t still crave cigarettes sometimes. It’s a powerful addiction.</p>
<p>The “I should be a grandma” tells me you have a vision in your head about what your kids should be doing and when. There is always a possibility you will never be a “grandma.” Unfortunately life isn’t exactly linear and there is no timetable for how our kids work through their twenties and early thirties. If you don’t want them in your house (and you have not said that) then setting a deadline for some point in the future is reasonable. Giving them tasks or expectations while they do live with you is perfectly reasonable. But in terms of somehow compelling them to follow some sort of linear path you envision…probably not going to happen.</p>
<p>My in laws were delighted that they lived to meet their grand kids because they were in their late 70s, early 80s before they came on the scene. We are glad our kids are relatively healthy and figuring out their paths thru life. We may have to help D figure out timelines and milestones at some future date if she isn’t able to figure them out on her own once she’s healthier (currently her chronic health issues sap her stamina but we are hopeful the new treatments if the new doc will make a permanent improvement).</p>
<p>Agree that relationships and grand kids are way beyond anything we can anticipate for our kids–wanting them to have full lives, whatever that means to them seems reasonable. Talking to them about what that may mean could be worthwhile.</p>
<p>"The “I should be a grandma” suggests to me that you need a new hobby! ;)</p>
<p>Regarding OP’s questions- I have a college grad D living at home. There are definitely some ways it is not ideal - I am far too “there” for her, but it is really the norm around here (San Francisco) for recent grads. Rents are the highest in the country, and there are many Asian grads who traditionally stay with their families. For the most part, the only young people who can afford to live on their own in this city are those in the tech or financial sectors, and those whose parents are seriously subsidizing them.</p>
<p>D is reasonably employed and would like to move out, but when we consider the money she is saving, it can wait for a while.</p>
<p>As for the other stuff… I allow overnight bf visits. Bf also has a decent job and lives with his parents. I don’t love this, as I’m definitely a private person, but as long as D lives here it seems reasonable. I charge rent, but I’ll refund it (should have kept that secret, but it was hard enough for me to ask for it at all). Chores are a tough one. I think she’s too old for me to just impose chores, so I think more in terms of her doing her part. Unfortunately, she has a second weekend job and an active social life, and she’s just not here that often to do stuff. Also, it’s entirely unpredictable (to her and me) whether she’ll be here for dinner and that drives me a bit crazy.</p>
<p>All in all, I like having her around and she likes being here. There are kind of minor annoyances and some new things to think about, but it’s not that bad. We just understand it’s a temporary state of affairs. She should have a nice amount of money saved for when she leaves.</p>
<p>That is also our situation. D is staying home to save for a house. She pays all her own bills although I wish she went to the grocery store more often.</p>
<p>Guys, the “I should be a grandma” was a bit tongue in cheek. I learned a long time ago that I could not, and did not want to, " compell" my kids to follow any direction I envision. It’s their lives obviously.</p>
<p>D1 has already informed me that she is not sure she wants to have kids, D2 has said she never plans to marry and wants to adopt and I have no idea what S wants as he has never volunteered this info as his sisters have. The only input I give into their life decisions is given if I am asked for input.</p>