<p>After reading that Atomom’s post, I see an option, if they are wearing on me: move them to our unfinished basement. </p>
<p>But, we’ve been having the “expectations” conversations since they started college. We’ll see how it turns out.</p>
<p>Jym626–good suggestion. D2 has already been down to visit D1. </p>
<p>D2 was supposed to stay for 2 weeks at D1’s apartment, to take care of her cat, while D1 traveled in Europe with her bf. She was also going to look for a job. But the Europe trip was cancelled and now D2 has said she does not want to live in NYC. Sigh</p>
<p>I have a daughter currently living with us before she starts another job. I expect her to help out with shopping, cooking and cleaning. I do not expect her to do all of it. I usually ask her to do such and such and she cheerfully does them. Her boyfriend does come and spend the night. She is 25 and an adult. I love having her here and will miss her. It is very nice to have another adult to rely on. I no longer have to take time off to have things done in the house.</p>
<p>My daughter just moved out last week after living with us between graduation and starting her new job tomorrow. I loved having her here because it gave me a lot of freedom during the day by not having to come home to let the elderly dog out. She helped a lot with shopping - housework, not so much. She often grabbed a bill or two out of the mailbox to pay for us since she had grant money left over, and she picked up an odd job here or there like cashiering at events at the local expo center. She also sold her plasma twice a week for spending money.</p>
<p>Since it was temporary we did not charge her for rent and did not expect her to help pay bills. I should have charged her cleanup costs for damage her cat caused.</p>
<p>morismm-
Were the airline tix for the NY trip for D2 already purchased? If so, thats more of an incentive to have her stick with the plans to go to NY. And who knows- maybe after spending a week with her big sister rather than alone with the cat, maybe it’ll grow on her…</p>
<p>We’ve had five head off to college so far and have two high schoolers left at home . But every one of our five adult children has moved back for varying periods of time after college (some with partners/future spouses) during that awkward transition time after graduating while searching for work, or saving for travel, or applying to grad school. We live in an extremely expensive area and likewise, our kids’ college towns have very high housing costs. They needed our help. The ones who we loved having live with us would have moved out in a second had they thought they were in any way an imposition. They were helpful with younger siblings, appreciative of our help, and clear about their exit strategy. The one or two who made our lives miserable really couldn’t have made it on their own had we asked them to leave, and their immaturity was the reason they boomeranged back with us. Eventually, they were ready to launch. And btw…it’s AWESOME being a grandparent!</p>
<p>they are old enough to become adults. They are living(basically) with you like they did when they were 10.
Charge rent? If so, then charge more than market rent. Give them incentive to live elsewhere, not to continue with you.
You might even chip in some dough for their first place if you can afford it. But I’m sure your plan as a young parent wasn’t to raise kids, help them to graduate college so they could live with you. Heck, they could have been high school dropouts to do that.</p>
<p>Two thoughts…</p>
<p>First, do they have friends out living on their own (is it feasible, etc)…
Second, you and they may want to check out a book called The Defining Decade about how delaying adulthood in your twenties sets you back in many ways long term.</p>
<p>We have someone else’s adult child, aged 24, living with us right now (long story, but we’re good friends with his parents, who are currently living overseas and asked if we could host him). He’s paying us rent. I don’t know if it’s worth it - every week is some new crisis. He lost his job last week (after he put up something mildly offensive in his work area). He has some kind of money fund available to live on, but his parents have to transfer $$ into his checking account. This weekend, his car got towed after he parked it in a private lot. He called DH and said, “It’s going to cost $110 to get it out!” DH basically told him good luck with that! He borrowed the money from other (adult) friends of the family. Thank goodness our middle child, who has bipolar disorder, is not living at home right now!</p>
<p>I find that my 23yr D acts younger when she is at home. We have a 19yr S. It’s like she doesn’t want us to treat them differently ~ but at 23 I expect more from her.</p>
<p>S1 never came back home to live once he went off to college.</p>
<p>S2 came back home after graduation with no job in sight. DH told him he had 18 months of rent free living w/ us but he had to be working the whole time.<br>
Within a month, S2 found a part time job that was almost full-time. Big box retail. He hated it. Meanwhile, he was looking for a “real job”. He got a" real job" 6 weeks later. He lived with us for a year before moving out. He travels a LOT for his job. He’s often gone for a month or more at the time. Under those circumstances, we didn’t think it was necessary for him to pay rent. We wanted him to save his $ for all the things he would need when he moved out.</p>
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<p>This may be partly because Americans are richer on average. Maybe its all cultural. But I personally cant imagine wanting to live at home as an adult. I mean, financially it does actually make a lot of sense. You could live there until 30, and then save up enough money to make a 40% or more downpayment on your own house. But in my case and I suspect most people’s cases, you’d have an impossible time dating. It might be easier for a woman to live at home and be successful finding a date, but for a man, it seems like you’d be really handicapped. No place to do your thing in private, awkward encounters with the parents, and more than likely you don’t get good at cooking/laundry, etc and girls wonder if you can actually take care of yourself, and eventually them.</p>
<p>I’m wondering if we’ll be in this same boat come this May. Kids have to apply for jobs, grad schools, internships, a year in advance, and we’re beyond that point now. Part of me will be happy to have son home, prodding him to take a local job in the oilfield or power company, but seriously, I am exhausted after fall break, just the amount of extra dishes and laundry that accompanies his visits. At least he will have his own car, and I’ll no longer have carpool duty. </p>
<p>My sister insisted on her 27 yo son moving in with her when his roommates bailed, to save him money. He actually has a good job and a serious girlfriend. He’s had a troubled past with money and legal and academic problems that I think she fears will resurface and she’ll have to bail him out. Keeping him at home, she can maintain some control over him. She also has preteen daughters and travels a lot for work, is married to a bum, and likes the fact that she can count on her adult son to watch the girls and take care of the animals while she’s away.</p>
<p>My DD, who is living here now, cleaned my bathroom walls, and will sparkle the holes tomorrow. She bought the paint and is ready to go. </p>
<p>I took the wallpaper down four years ago. Thank goodness she is living at home:)</p>
<p>^^^Seriously, my husband works so much, I could use my son around to help out. He used to not be so helpful, just wanting to play video games nonstop, but he sees me getting older and moving slower, and he’s been pitching in a lot more when he visits. If I could only get his daddy to chip in, too…</p>
<p>Sixty doesn’t sound old anymore, strangely. Ha ha.</p>
<p>Anyway, tell them to get on with it! They should be wanting to have their own places by now, even if they have to share with a roommate or 4, thanks to the economy. </p>
<p>Besides, you need to be thinking about your future. Do you plan to move? Look now. Start selling stuff or talk about how you want to live on that beach. They need to realize it is time to grow up.</p>
<p>Thumper, I’m jealous!</p>
<p>I should explain that there have been issues with my S. If you could look way back in my posts you would see this. We have always had trouble with our S being motivated to do anything. He sees a therapist and is on meds. It does not seem to help, IMO, but my S thinks it does.</p>
<p>Quite honestly, he is a major challenge and enigma. Very smart (physics/math major, always high 700’s on math, physics SATs and SAT II with no practice or preparation.) He is an excellent musician, blah, blah, blah, etc, but can’t seem to move out.</p>
<p>D2 is another story I do not get. However, she did have an intruder in her room her senior year of college. Apparently the intruder was hiding under her bed while she was in her room. Needless to say this did freak her out. Then, about two months ago a pedestrian walked out in front of her car and she hit him. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital. She was found to be completely at no fault. But it really, understandably, upset
her.</p>
<p>This all seems very bizarre, but I am not making it up. But I do know these things have something to do with why they are still clinging to home.</p>
<p>The enigma of your daughter isn’t so complicated. She had two traumatic situations. These shook her confidence and trust to the core. I’ll pass along some helpful advice given to me when my D was at a similar juncture: “It doesn’t matter what she does next – work, school or volunteer; what matters most is that she succeed at it.” Take a small step, for example, see if she’ll volunteer once weekly somewhere, or just enrol in a class. It sounds like she needs to build herself back up, in small steps.</p>
<p>Your S is seeing a therapist, but is your D? I thought in the OP that she was showing signs of depression and now I’m even more convinced that she might be suffering some post-traumatic problems. I could absolutely see not wanting to live alone after an experience like that. Is there any chance that her and her brother can find an apartment together, possibly with the rent subsidized by you until they get on their feet? </p>
<p>I don’t understand the posts that say that having an adult child move back home increases your work- dishes, laundry, etc. Surely you are not cleaning up after your adult children? </p>
<p>When I moved back home temporarily, my parents and I treated each other like roommates. I rent out their house now and they live elsewhere but are back quite often (they made a room in the basement). When we’re all together, we share chores just like I have with every other roommate. If anything, it makes the workload for all of us easier as there’s more ways to spread chores.</p>
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And here I always thought that “Not under MY roof!” rules regarding sleeping arrangements were merely the outdated ways of the unenlightened, rather than a means to instill some ambition into young men.</p>