<p>i learned more about the officers than I did about you. last time I checked, the officers aren’t the ones applying to college.</p>
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<p>That didn’t come through. I thought they were more bored with you than impatient. I thought you were trying to take a humorous approach b/c you kept mentioning 14-year old which seemed to signify “ha newbie mistake.” Essays are subjective so it’s the author’s job to make it clear and give the reader the feeling their supposed to feel without being overtly controlling; a good author subtly controls the reader’s emotions at every word. Unless you were trying to create a sense of boredom, this careful crafting wasn’t there.</p>
<p>What really killed this essay was your introduction. Within two sentences, you gave away the whole topic of your essay. Now don’t laugh but a college essay should be like a stripper; it shouldn’t give away everything at once and it slowly unfolds as the story progresses until the big finale. (work with the simile) You had the BANG! (actually it was more like bang!) in the second sentence. Bottom line: essay=stripper. ;)</p>
<p>P.S. I know I seem harsh but I always read essays with a critical eye. I would much rather you know what’s wrong then echo what you think is right; it’s my nature. sorry about that. :)</p>