<p>Has anyone had this experience.
About a month ago I learned my spouse of many, many years has been cheating on me for 7 years. I have told 3 friends the full story- but have not told most people, including our family. I told them about 3-4 weeks ago. Since then I have heard from one of them once, from one of them twice, and from one of them not at all! These are all very close friends, or I wouldn’t have told them to begin with. Not all live in the same place as me… but all have phones, skype, gchat… email… etc. </p>
<p>I have to say that sharing the information with them was not universally satisfying. One expressed a very judgmental comment made by her husband (because of course he is perfect unlike mine!), one reacted by freaking out about her own (perfectly solid) marriage, and the other reacted by telling me she thought my husband was difficult (he can be). </p>
<p>I have a great therapist, we are seeing a marital therapist (we will see… )… but I feel incredibly isolated.</p>
<p>People often react strangely to difficult situations which can make things seem even worse. I’m sorry your husband cheated on you. Sounds like you are doing the right thing with seeing a therapist though.</p>
<p>Give your friends the benefit of the doubt. They may not know how to support you. They may think you want privacy and are giving you and your husband space to work things out. They might think it is better to wait for you to call. Or they may be going through troubles of their own. Whatever it is, be upfront with what you need from them. They are not mind-readers after all.</p>
<p>It is a difficult situation for friends, because if they come down on him and you reconcile, the friendship will be strained. It is hard to be sympathetic without expressing a judgment. Good luck to you. I hope you find the kind of personal support you need to get through this.</p>
<p>I agree with lorelei, it is hard for friends to give you the right support without taking sides. It doesn’t mean they don’t care.</p>
<p>A friend of mine found out a friend’s husband was cheating on her. She assumed her friend would want to know, so she told the friend. The friend was more upset with her than with her husband, apparently she has known about her husband for quite some time and was more embarrassed other people knew about it. She stayed married and didn’t want anything to do with my friend any more.</p>
<p>Thanks, I understand that they want to give me space. I would just love it if someone would say ‘how are you?’ These are all people who prior to this would be in touch every couple of days. These are my friends, and they have all been clear about their feelings about him. You are right, it does make it awkward on some level. I think I need to be upfront and assume they are waiting for me… No sense in thinking otherwise.</p>
<p>Exactly. You have already indicated that any criticism of your cheating spouse, even if clearly intended to be supportive of you, is unwelcome.</p>
<p>I’ve had female friends who cheated and female friends who were cheated upon. I was also friends with all but one of the husbands, to one degree or another. The situation is a minefield for your friends, as your initial reaction demonstrates.</p>
<p>I don’t mean to come down on you: you are in a very, very difficult position and you have my sympathy.It sounds as if you are taking good steps to try to work things out. But try to cut your friends a little slack. (At least, all but the one who made it all about her…even though that probably indicates that she has been harboring insecurities that you just haven’t seen. No one really knows what goes on in a marriage but the two people in it.)</p>
<p>Oldfort, you friend was either delusional or lying to herself. NO ONE wants to be told by a third party that their spouse is cheating. I think it had more to do with her desire to tell.</p>
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<p>We cross posted. I think you are exactly right here. Best to you. :)</p>
<p>No, I don’t think my friend was delusional because they were very good friends. I think it is harsh of you to pass a judgement on someone you don’t even know. FYI - we actually had a discussion about this issue at one of our ladies night out, it was not conclusive that NO ONE wanted to be told, some said that they would rather know (even if it’s froma third party).</p>
<p>If you say so, oldfort. I’m sure your friend was well-meaning. But I think that no matter what people say about wanting to know, when push comes to shove they are not going to want a friend coming to them with that kind of information and will almost inevitably humiliate them and damage their relationship. Personally, when I’ve known, I’ve kept my mouth shut.</p>
<p>That is your personal stand on what you would do, but some may say that’s not being a friend, you are just taking an easy way out. You see, there are many different views on this. Don’t be too quick to judge.</p>
<p>I would be upset if a friend didn’t tell me, assuming it was not just based on speculation. I think it would be humiliating that people that care for me knew but let me go on as if everything was peachy.</p>
<p>I am not sure there is a good way to find out. I think you are going to feel embarrassed no matter how you learn about it . So I guess it comes down to whether or not you want to know, or you want to stick your head in a hole. </p>
<p>I do not feel that I do not want to hear bad things about my husband, but I did not appreciate hearing: ‘My husband says that he thinks it takes 2 people to make this happen’ (implying of course that I was in the wrong) from one of my friends. Nothing like blaming the victim!</p>
<p>All of my friends have criticized him but suggested that I keep an open mind. Look, it isn’t even slightly easy- any of it. I am mad at my husband, disappointed in my friends, but I understand it is not easy for them either.</p>
<p>OP - there is no right or wrong way of dealing with a situation like this. I don’t know you either. But about “keep an open mind,” I would just like to say that you need to know if you could get over his cheating, some people can and some can’t. If it is always going to bother you, even after counselling, then I am not sure if it would be wise to stay together. </p>
<p>Every relationship is hard, there will always be ups and downs, but it doesn’t give someone the right to cheat. If your husband wasn’t satisfied with the relationship, he could have dealt with it honestly with you before he jumped into another relationship.</p>
<p>Your friends maybe embaressed just because the above. If they say something, they maybe damned either way. OTOH, you don’t know what to expect when you told them, either way, it is a difficult situation. I guess your friends will be more relieved when the situation becomes more clearer or got resolved.</p>
<p>Assuming the reference was not to your husband and the other woman (but rather to you and your husband), I think that was a very insensitive thing for your friend(?) to say to you.</p>
<p>Since you’ve told three people now, and at least one of them has shared the info with a spouse, are you prepared for the word to be out everywhere? Will your family members be likely to hear this info on the grapevine? Your children?</p>
<p>My children and the rest of the family will not hear from these people, due to distance. It is still early days, and we will decide when/what the children are told, and as importantly my mother in law. I was disappointed by my friend’s comment. She is my closest friend in fact. I know she is on my side, but still the comment stung (and still stings).</p>
<p>First let me say that I’m so sorry you’re going through this - my heart goes out to you. And about your friend’s comment - she is very, very wrong! This isn’t about something you did or did not do and it isn’t your fault. Even if she hadn’t made that cruel comment, you might have wondered if that was the case. It isn’t. It doesn’t take two - it takes one: just him. The longer I live, the less I understand men</p>
<p>I went through this over 15 years ago and my heart goes out to you. I lost some friendships and I still feel pain and sadness about some of them. It gets complicated and confusing and I learned a lot about people. But my life is rich with the friendships that not only survived those extremely difficult years, but deepened and showed their profound worth. I think much of how others behave comes from their own emotional histories and lives and it’s not about you or your relationship. I also felt blamed by some people I considered MY friends - but as I started out, it is complicated and tricky. If you keep doors open your friends will figure out how to support you. Best to you.</p>
<p>I agree. I think this is yet another instance of a friend who should have buttoned their lip. </p>
<p>Oldfort, in all but one of the cases where I knew about cheating and–to my knowledge–the spouse didn’t, the husband was the one in the dark. No way am I going to go to a friend’s spouse who is also a friend, and tell that person that their spouse is having an affair. No way. In addition, I did not tell my H, who was friends with the H. YMMV, of course. A person who does this has NO idea whether the spouse knows already, whether they want to ignore it, or what is going on at all, but they are taking it upon themselves to unleash something that could be cataclysmic for an entire family. If this person feels compelled to tell someone, why not go to the cheating spouse and tell THEM that they know. That might actually have a constructive outcome.</p>
<p>If you think I am being judgmental, so be it. But I am not taking it upon myself to play god with someone else’s marriage.</p>
<p>BTW, I have found that people often say that they “know” they would want to be treated in some way if something in particular happened to them, but when the event actually occurs, their feelings are quite different. I have a friend who very firmly said that if she had a miscarriage she would want everyone at her workplace to know, and would want all of the sympathy she could get. When it actually happened to her, she flew off to the other side of the country for a week and didn’t even want to talk to her best friends about it, much less co-workers.</p>
<p>I don’t get this at all. I think you need new friends. Seriously.</p>
<p>People are not real friends if you confide in them something like this, and they start passing the story around against your wishes. Or if you have to be careful about who you tell because you need to keep up appearances in your social circle. And most of all they are not your real friends if they can’t be there for you during such a painful experience. Of course they can do so while being your friend and still being your spouse’s friend. They don’t have to take sides to support you! You can be both supportive, empathetic, AND non-judgmental (of both sides). I’ve seen it with my own eyes. What is wrong with people!? They sound like complete jerks if you ask me. </p>
<p>But maybe also it depends on the story line told around it (that is not all episodes of cheating would garner the same reaction perhaps as they vary quite a bit). Was this a past even you found out about or something currently going on? How long has it been going on? Are you thinking of leaving the marriage? Is the cheater someone you know? Would your friends be privy to how hurt you are or do they see you are mostly angry? (I know you must have both and they come in waves but which public face do you have on with your friends?).Has your spouse admitted it or is it your hunch and he’s denying it? And so on. </p>
<p>Many moons ago, I found out my former spouse was having an affair. I was working full time as a prof (before tenure), and I had a 3 year old. It was devastating (especially as people thought we were this great couple and this had a fantastic marriage and I did too until that point! ha!). </p>
<p>I can’t express with words how the only thing that kept me alive was the immense support of everyone around me. But i was quite open about it- I had nothing to hide and I didn’t travel in circles were we were politely hush-hush about things. I didn’t criticize my spouse, I just shared the facts of the trauma I was going through. Some friends let me stay with them. A lawyer friend helped me freeze my bank accounts until I figured out what we would do next. And so on. I had folks I hardly knew at work take over teaching my MBA classes (I didn’t ask- they just insisted). My MBA class found out and sent me a very compassionate letter and a gigantic box of chocolates. That was very weird- but so so sweet. </p>
<p>I had about 4 close friends who during that dark time I could call sobbing at 3am and since that time it is my definition of a real friend: someone you can call at 3am in your darkest hours. Everyone else is just an acquaintance. I will never forget my friends support-- they are with you for life. But oh I was a wreck! I wasn’t suicidal but I was unable to eat and sleep for weeks (there were more details around the story which I am not sharing but it was about as bad as it gets).</p>
<p>And oddly (and sort of funny), I would say 90% of the folks that learned of my story, chose to tell me a story about how THEIR marriage wasn’t perfect either (oh the stories I learned during that time!!!).</p>
<p>Hugs to you…this can be sooooo painful! But it does get better! And you will grow as a person from this very sad time. You can get, and deserve, better friends for one thing.</p>